Tuesday, February 26, 2008

(_to self_)

real:(thoughts)

change...is so relative
change is based on perspective
if I didnt change my socks would you notice?
if I changed my mind, would you care?
if I asked you to change the color of your hair, would you?
if I asked you to move to ohio would you?
if God asked you to start a church in north carolina, would you listen?

how close are you to me?
how well do you know me?
how close are you to God?
how well do you know God (and his voice)?
do you listen?

change

are you willing to change?

do you yearn for change?
does change scare you or excite you?

(do i have any change in my pockets?)

i dont know how to change
change is so foreign...so different (very insightful)
if I change, do you have to as well?
who am I to ask anyone to change?
how much (change) is too much?

(which underwear do i have on today?)

why do I feel that God is asking me to change?
how much is God asking me to change? (not that i care)
what am I gaining by changing? (my underwear)
it is not what i gain, but what I gain for God

change

is inevitable...fun...dynamic...good...difficult...necessary..._(become more christ-like)_...

hmm...

Sunday, February 17, 2008

purge_overflow (ported from myspace)

tired is overused...i need a new word to describe where i am...how i am...it's more of a mental/emotional exhaustion than anything...i think that on the mental half...i'm generally fine...but when i have to think (apply logic or whatever) to emotional situations...it's almost like the two just conflict and decide to congeal in my head and not leave. so i'm suck with this...overfull feeling...this spent, TIRED feeling for most of the day...i wish i was wired like a computer...i could just jump to the command line, drop a single command and know what was going on in my head...but i'm retarded...unable to process and decipher what's going on up there...how ridiculous is that. try rebooting? yeah...works until i wake up lol.

what to do...this whole thing is quite the kerfluffle...it's as though a coin were flipped...but its just temporary...cards are played...hands are revealed...but there is no certainty in the outcome...it is not clean like poker, with a set formula with a certain outcome for each...it is all just words...words are so temporary...so fleeting...once said, they do not firm up to be taken with...they are gone...vapor...but at the same time, they are so permanent. the word goodbye...hello...hate...love...trust...WOW...i am blown away by the dichotomy that is wrapped up in words...they mean so much, yet can mean so little. life changing (3 words)...life ending (1 word)...

purge! get out of my head! LoL...i have so many things that are so much more important to think about...so many things that are new, exciting, limitless...oh well...ten paciencia (be patient)...i have been through this lesson so many times...but life never fails to catch up and push me to my limits...but! reflecting on the numerous times that God has proven to be faithful...(and he loves to say "wait")...yeah, it's all good...but this waiting...and this..."marination" time...kills me...but it's good for me...

growth is odd...to grow physically, we know that we can experience pain in lifting weights or running (yuck)...and see direct results...bigger arms...stronger legs... but whats deceptive is that this mental/emotional/spiritual struggle...the results aren't as tangible...of course they are there...but they just aren't as immediately apparent. God is amazing...he provides all the time...answers are yes/maybe/no...sometimes we have to learn "the hard way"...sometimes he delivers us from the situation that we are in...it's awesome.

i wouldnt even be in the whole high school group if i wouldnt have signed up to help at the women's christmas tea thing...and i love it...it is such a great fit...every week, i find out new things about myself...new things that God has been building in me from long ago...that are just now being put to use for the good of the Kingdom...all this time, i had been praying for direction...for signs showing where God wants me to go..."please show me your plan for my life" day in and day out...and now, here i am...with a path. the funniest part is that now that i'm on "the path"...i'm all excited about "what's next"...it truly feels as though the possibilities are limitless...and that's amazing/exciting/scary/frickin cool...

anyways...now, i=physically_tired so me=take_break...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

hmmmmmm

sleepy blogs can be the best or the worst...best because it's raw, nearly unshielded thoughts...and worst....well...yeah. hmmmm....so i'm tired...i'm sleeping on the couch (not RIGHT now...)...i'm getting a lot done without getting much done...i feel like the guy in the jamiroquai video...what's that song...something without moving...but yeah. i feel like i'm running a race with no start, no end and no real directions...just floundering...almost falling...bouncing off whatever hits me...or being pushed into one direction or the other...but that's kinda what God wants...it's HIS plan (not mine)....he's the one who has plans for me...(good plans, in fact)...plans to take me places and have great (and not so great) things for me to accomplish and to go through...life is amazing like that. its so hard to let go of the reins and hand them over to God in a world that shouts at us that we are in charge and that we are "masters of our own destinies!"...yada yada...i think i'm just about done with the things of this world in that it inevitably turns into nothing...(for the most part)...work to make money to buy stuff...yeah...i've been through all that..it's not just that...but that is more of a trend...an underlying philosophy that governs most of the things of this world...work hard in this world to get more crap from this world (that we can't take with us (and why would you want to when you're going to heaven?))

...SLEEP!...

and things just keep going...so much...time wasted bah...i'm done wasting time here...for now.

Monday, February 11, 2008

wintry thoughts (ported from myspace)

hmmm...idea time. so on the way home from mammoth today, it hit me. yes...IT now i'm not so sure of the true importance of the idea, but at the time, i promised myself that i would blog it. who knows...maybe bill gates will read this, love the idea and revolutionize the world with it.

anyways...basically, we need some sort of flex ride thing. i'm sick of this whole fossil fuels dependency thing that we have going on. so what i'm thinking is that we need a service where we just put in where we want to go...basically like a reservation (from:my_house to:your_moms_house or whatever) and all of these entries would go into a big computerized database...and cars/vans/buses/whatever would be allocated and mapped out to make all of the routes work. more than likely, this would have to work off of an autopilot based transit system..maybe 2 lanes that are dedicated for this or something...who knows...but anyways...it would automatically map out and get people to and from places efficiently. if it was all automated, the cars (generic term) could go super fast (which would be fun in and of itself)...and be more efficient. i guess it would be like the roadrunner system...but it would actually be efficient...and work. just driving so far...to mammoth and back...makes me sick of gasoline and fossil fuels altogether. it's not so much the lower level industry folks...or any of that end of the environmental issues...i'm just sick of the fact that the oil industry has endless resources to stifle other technologies and basically to advertise how cool and normal using gasoline is (think chevron techron/cars commercials/toys_but whatever.

i'm just over the whole oil thing. driving back from mammoth, it felt like the snow was not as heavy as it has been in years past. not that i'm an expert, but it really made me think of the whole al gore movie thing...with the pics from ~60yrs back...~40yrs back...and today and how the snow level keeps moving up (or disappears altogether)...it's crazy...it's real. i saw it in person at mt rainier national park. one of the main glaciers has receded visibly over the past 50 years...nuts! but it makes me sick. it's really just each and every one of us making decisions against oil...hybrids/electrics/bikes...whatever. but thats where the industry kills us. we are pretty much fenced in to oil dependency. ugh. it makes me tired. i'm retiring from this blog...the gist of my thoughts are here...i am no longer.

cheers!....smiles...sleeps...

Saturday, February 02, 2008

blogarythmic iterations v2 (ported from myspace)

this music makes me want to scream...but i did plenty of that last night at their concert. i'm a little bit out of it today...lazy (up til 4am...that could be part of it - who would have thought that having 2 monsters after 11pm would be a bad idea?)...just kinda blah about most things today. i hate not doing anything...but i just dont feel like doing much...so much going on in my head after yesterd...well...after this past week...it's as though i need to just clock out of my own consciousness and let things process for a bit.

http://picasaweb.google.com/PerfectInWeakness/2008Project86BenefitConcert

i'm putting switchfoot on...project 86 isnt exactly deep thinking, introspective music...at least not for me. (though it is great for letting out frustration/stress/energy... i want to go away for a retreat and just hang out with myself for a bit...i'm really a pretty interesting guy...i do enjoy my own company. blah. not sure what that's about...i have a lot of new things in my life that are HUGE...it's a lot to process. i think that being generally introspective (sidebar...i think that there are multiple aspects to introspection and personality types...i am fine hanging out in a group and interacting with people...people are generally great...:no more thoughts on this:)...ugh...such a blah mood today!

i think these wristbands will stay on a lot longer than the last one...it was already on it's last leg when i pulled it off yesterday. another fantastic sunset at the beach tonight...what does God have in store for me tonight? tomorrow, I get to see if I can find a place to move...and hopefully get some stuff moved in the afternoon...who knows.

some things in life are so vivid...so visceral and real...others are so gray-scale and lackluster...moments///people///events///songs///words///days///meals///colors...where is your passion? do you surround yourself with things (list above, etc) that inspire you? i dont think we always should...but i do feel that God fills us with passion...and there are things we are passionate about that we will gravitate to. whether that is a person...color...situation...band...whatever...there are things that we are just pulled to. that is where my heart is headed. i know not where i am headed...but i am following my heart. i will trust in God to steer my ship...follow my passion...focus on God...God is love...we should be filled with love for Him and for others.

i know that blah happens to everyone...it's almost as though it is the calm before the storm...the eye of the hurricane...a moment to look inside before being tossed out into chaotic rain...what are you passionate about? go get it...do it...find it...live it... life without passion is empty...passion is so tied to love...we love the things we are passionate about...whether it's my laptop...phone...best friend...or even reading my bible...it is those things that are truly going to garner the lion's share of love. time is money...quality time shows love...break your day up...what do you spend your time on? is that worthwhile? is that what you want God to see when he looks down on your life? sometimes, I'm embarrassed by that thought (spending 8hrs on the PS3 shooting people)...

i dunno cheeto...life is broad...deep...wide...obviously too large to grasp...but that just returns us to marveling at God's glory...God has a focused plan for each of us...it could be focused on 1 person...God might just want you to convert 1 person in your life...or he might want you to start a revolution in a 3rd world country and set peoples lives ablaze with love for him. who knows? God works in the "little guy"...the nobody...the average joe....the kyle field...he does. everyday. hide as we might...it is futile. which begs the question...why try to hide from God? because we cannot comprehend his power/presence...LoL... that makes me laugh (love laughing)...(passionate about making people smile/laugh/happy)

more on this later...this purge cycle is over, yo!