tired is overused...i need a new word to describe where i am...how i am...it's more of a mental/emotional exhaustion than anything...i think that on the mental half...i'm generally fine...but when i have to think (apply logic or whatever) to emotional situations...it's almost like the two just conflict and decide to congeal in my head and not leave. so i'm suck with this...overfull feeling...this spent, TIRED feeling for most of the day...i wish i was wired like a computer...i could just jump to the command line, drop a single command and know what was going on in my head...but i'm retarded...unable to process and decipher what's going on up there...how ridiculous is that. try rebooting? yeah...works until i wake up lol.
what to do...this whole thing is quite the kerfluffle...it's as though a coin were flipped...but its just temporary...cards are played...hands are revealed...but there is no certainty in the outcome...it is not clean like poker, with a set formula with a certain outcome for each...it is all just words...words are so temporary...so fleeting...once said, they do not firm up to be taken with...they are gone...vapor...but at the same time, they are so permanent. the word goodbye...hello...hate...love...trust...WOW...i am blown away by the dichotomy that is wrapped up in words...they mean so much, yet can mean so little. life changing (3 words)...life ending (1 word)...
purge! get out of my head! LoL...i have so many things that are so much more important to think about...so many things that are new, exciting, limitless...oh well...ten paciencia (be patient)...i have been through this lesson so many times...but life never fails to catch up and push me to my limits...but! reflecting on the numerous times that God has proven to be faithful...(and he loves to say "wait")...yeah, it's all good...but this waiting...and this..."marination" time...kills me...but it's good for me...
growth is odd...to grow physically, we know that we can experience pain in lifting weights or running (yuck)...and see direct results...bigger arms...stronger legs... but whats deceptive is that this mental/emotional/spiritual struggle...the results aren't as tangible...of course they are there...but they just aren't as immediately apparent. God is amazing...he provides all the time...answers are yes/maybe/no...sometimes we have to learn "the hard way"...sometimes he delivers us from the situation that we are in...it's awesome.
i wouldnt even be in the whole high school group if i wouldnt have signed up to help at the women's christmas tea thing...and i love it...it is such a great fit...every week, i find out new things about myself...new things that God has been building in me from long ago...that are just now being put to use for the good of the Kingdom...all this time, i had been praying for direction...for signs showing where God wants me to go..."please show me your plan for my life" day in and day out...and now, here i am...with a path. the funniest part is that now that i'm on "the path"...i'm all excited about "what's next"...it truly feels as though the possibilities are limitless...and that's amazing/exciting/scary/frickin cool...
anyways...now, i=physically_tired so me=take_break...
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