flowing

not sure where to go with this today but feeling the need to flow for a bit. reading this post: http://inoveryourhead.net/19-thoughts-about-finding-your-purpose/ for some inspiration and while i dont agree with a lot of it, there are a few nuggets that spark for me. I really feel like i'm a pile of kindling at the moment...built up and arranged for...something. and i really dont even know why i feel like things are arranged...most everything around me feels blah and disorganized. I feel like i'm putting the minimum into most everything...and waiting. i may have a co-authored book in the works but I'm not sure if it's going to go anywhere but it would be interesting. i'm working on a trip to india which is probably about the only open ended thing i'm hopeful for at the moment. bored (which mostly translates to lazy, well off fat american) sensing so much inspiration in others...maybe its a sign to encourage and build up others vs focusing so much on me and my purpose successfully getting through life though...fwiw...a day at a time and it never does stop though i feel that i'll regret whatever it is i'm doing or not doing later. nothing seems to scratch my surface...like i'm looking, seeking, burning for something that matters to hit me feeling almost as if I have to do something or I'll just get something meaningful that's negative. it's probably just god kicking me in the head saying hey buddy...i'm right here. go read my word...i'm actually the one yelling at you that you keep refusing to listen to. why am i in such denial. dunno. and why india? i'm not sure. seems to be a place of "spiritual" renewal. so many places here are just dark. plenty of light in so cal...but so much BAD. so much HATE. so much selfish. meh. if I am to be the light, i must be filled with light and that is something that is not within me...that is something external that i can be filled with...but it takes filling. it does not originate from within me...God + Kyle = meaningful...no god =/= not meaningful in any lasting sense. so my motivation to DO something...God's direction, compass, light, love...fills it. so obvious i suppose but so difficult for stonehead kyle to see beyond self. "See Beyond Self" huh...neat. bored being anonymous here at starbucks...leaving to somewhere.