strange parallels (ported from myspace)

It seems that my frustrations on "the futility of life" were echoed in the Bible...in Ecclesiastes Ch 1:
1:1 The words of the Teacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem:

Introduction: Utter Futility

2 “Futile! Futile!” laments the Teacher, “Absolutely futile! Everything is futile!”

Futility Illustrated from Nature

3 What benefit do people get from all the effort which they expend on earth? 4 A generation comes and a generation goes, but the earth remains the same through the ages. 5 The sun rises and the sun sets, it hurries away to a place from which it rises again. 6 The wind goes to the south and circles around to the north, round and round the wind goes and on its rounds it returns. 7 All the streams flow into the sea, but the sea is not full, and to the place where the streams flow, there they will flow again. 8 All this monotony is tiresome; no one can bear to describe it: The eye is never satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear ever content with hearing. 9 What exists now is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing truly new on earth. 10 Is there anything about which someone can say, “Look at this! It is new!”? It was already done long ago, before our time. 11 No one remembers the former events, nor will anyone remember the events that are yet to happen; they will not be remembered by the future generations.

Currently listening:
In Your Honor
By Foo Fighters
Release date: 14 June, 2005

no time for a name (ported from myspace)

so yeah....another day here at wonderful P n' G. today's thursday...just another thursday, i guess. i have transitioned into my new role...i am officially the "Supply Module Industrial Engineer"...for whatever that's worth. I'm sure it will at least look good on a resume some day. as far as the actual work...i'm passing on everything that I know...everything that i'm familiar with...on to my predecessor and venturing into the unknown of higher level analysis. what a good time. anyways...it has been frustrating, with the slim amount of training that I chose to receive. it was almost a choice and almost not. the days before thailand when i was not available for training (as I had 8 days to get my replacement ready for a 2 week stint of holding down the fort alone), the woman that I was replacing wanted to train me...and of course, on the flip side, when I had 2hrs available for time to be trainined in, the woman that i was replacing decided to come sauntering in at 10..short-timer's disease...it was bordering on hilarity...but not so much. anyways...i'm here...i'm it...and at the end of 8hrs, i will go home again, hopefully just that much closer to another raise that will bring me that much closer to another, higher, more removed from the real business here, but also, that much closer to the retirement that everyone wants, that always seems to come too fast...that we are all just blowing through life trying to get to. it's kinda sick when you actually take the time to think about it. we are really like little mice trapped in a maze...but the carrot isnt just around the corner...no, not in this wonderful society of ours. we have this complex where, when we get what we were seeking...we are sated, but only for a short time. say you work 3 hours of overtime / wk (after tax, yielding about 40 bucks/week) to save up for this special cell phone that you wanted. then, say that after the requisite 8 weeks (allowing for some human error with the finances) of extra hours and less time being spent at home, the money is finally saved and the phone is purchased. then, the waiting begins and the inevitable frustration at the ever-elusive ebayer in the-middle-of-no-where, pennsylvania for not shipping the phone. so, after the 8 WEEKS of laboring, another 8 days are spent in utter frustration (at some random guy who's just trying to make a buck, so he can buy his kid the mp3 player that HE wants). the phone finally shows up..and the excitement begins...WEE!!...three days of excitement....not wanting to fall asleep, for fear of the phone mysteriously being gone in the morning, for no particular reason other than that the phone seems to good to be true...it is finally mine!! yay! having achieved that goal, we are once again in search of a goal worth pursuing...what part of the american dream am I missing that joe schmoe has? what am i lacking in my life that someone else has (materially speaking, of course)? and so goes life...one on top of the other...never to be satisfied. i am convinced that retirement will be much the same bag of tricks that society has programmed us with. now there has to be a point to a lengthy blathering such as this...(not that i always strive to make a point, but today, i'm feeling a little more quixotic that usual)...so...really...what are YOU here for? i really struggled with that for quite some time. i really didnt know that i was struggling with it at the time, but really...when you are in perpetual need of a vacation and are mentally, emotionally and underneath it all, spiritually exhausted at all times...maybe something is not quite right...eh? so anyways...i went on this road trip back in october 04...i had planned to drive up to canada with a good buddy of mine...(y'all know Mike, right?)...but it didnt work out (apparently, new babies and wives can have that affect on a guy)...so i decided to push on through and go on the trip all by my lonesome. it sounded like a crazy idea...felt like a crazy idea...but as i said, i was drained...tired of being drained and not knowing how to dig my way out. so anyways...i drove. and drove...and drove and drove...you get the point. i think i put about 4000 miles on my sorta new ford focus in those 7 days. it was ridiculous. i spend so much time being frustrated with myself...sleeping in the car because i missed the campsite closing time by a few hours...whatever...it was a great experience. we learn a lot about ourselves through struggles like that. so...after quite a few nights and days of struggles, i found myself in washington. northwestern washington, as a matter of fact. i was driving up the western side of the puget sound, back up and around towards olympic national park and on through to the pacific coastline. i had just had my first success of the trip, after having found an actual open campsite in canada. it was great! but anyhow...i was just recoving from a brutal session of struggling with myself and the realities of an unplanned roadtrip and i saw this little church. (aside: for those of you that arent as familar with me as you could be, i went to church from 0-18, under a strict family mandate (it really wasnt that bad...but i was a lil rebel). after that time, i skipped the routine and found my own way around town on sundays. i had only been to church of my own volition once since the great transition to adulthood.) this little church, for whatever reason, called out to me and i had this feeling like i should start attending church again. (for those of you that have read my earlier blogs, this is all probably just review). so yeah...since then, i have been going to church regularly and found my way to thailand on a missions trip that my family and friends supported me in a way that i could never even have dreamed. i found a wonderful girlfriend that also follows God and we are treading the path that God has cut out for us. i'm not even saying that everything is lilly's and roses and the like, but it has definitely been a long journey for me and it has been totally amazing seeing how God has been working in so many different people's lives to bring me to him. there are so many things that seem like they are just random events in life, but God is behind it all. God has his hand in all of our lives, he listens to all prayers and delivers fantastically on them. anyways...this has drawn on for quite some time and i don't think that i really put the seal on this chapter, but it was a good effort, for sure. until next time...later!

Currently listening:
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: 27 August, 2002

friday blah (ported from myspace)

so it's friday...at p and g and everything is pretty much bla today. I'm officially taking over in my new role here on monday and susan is retiring after today. so it's kind of a strange feeling going on today. mostly because or normal drama with the woman. i want to stay for the retirement party at work for susan, as I have worked closely with her for the past 3.5yrs...and i think she would feel a little bit hurt that i didnt go to her party just because i wanted to get off early on a friday and go hang out in LA. i don't understand this. it's not like i'm super excited about staying for the retirement party, but i think it would suck if i were retiring and the person in the plant that i worked the closest with was not there (for some small reason) for my work retirement party. granted, there is a big party at her house tomorrow, where we really will see her off and we will have a good time doing it...but that does not release me of my desire to stay for the official work thing today. ack! more personal feelings that should probably never see the light of day...but anyone who reads this should know that this blog is totally bare...it's just what's going on with me now. yet more brain pollution to clutter my already over-emo'd brain. what a mess. emotions...hormones...sex...all just BS that clutters up what could be a drama-free life. i love it how we are set up with human bodies that push us to do so many things that are diametrically opposed to what the bible says that we should do. "put no one in front of god...to do so is basically idolatry"...yet everything in my body (my POS, weak, frail, hormonally, emotionally challenged body) makes me feel the best when i am around a woman that i am giving everything to (even if i am not getting what i need in return)...ack! sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks...and more. and i should be journalling about thailand...but it feels like life (the life that i willingly participate in...the people that i CHOOSE to spend my time with)...just keeps piling it on me. i never get a chance to dig deep enough within myself because i keep letting life throw more dirt onto my already over loaded pile of mental crap. hmm...whatever....today is payday...tomorrow, i'm finally getting rid of my fridge and moving the rest of my stuff out of lloyd's place...so that's totally good and sunday, i should be getting some money back for the shots that we got from thailand...and it's the weekend...so life is still doing ok...and i'm sure that once i get over the little hump that is the next few hours and find a ride home, i will be fine...but dang! i have no opinion...i'm just here to serve (if only i could do that for real...for everyone...and keep on spreadin the love...i guess it's something to aspire to, right)

umm...hot? (ported from myspace)

oh my.

after working through thursday, we had a day off to relax and headed off to the beach. we took a small boat (scary lil wooden boat with a full sized v6 strapped on the back with a driveline coming out the back, with an attached propeller) to a small island between the island that we are on and Phuket...called koh kai. it was a tiny island with some nice sand and some decent snorkelling. there were actual coral reefs here with some fun fish. i saw a flute fish and a few puffer fish. i went snorkelling with paula from the thai LA team and one of the construction guys that we have been working with (his name is dua). he took us around about half of the island, with a stop midway, where he informed us that we might see sharks on the second half of the journey. it was a good time, but we did not see any sharks. the water was extra salty and warm, with an extra hot sun to encourage those who were seeking sun to head to the water.

needless to say, i received quite a sunburn, even with the four or so layers of sunscreen that i applied during our short stint on the island (from 9-130). today is our second day of work since the play day and it has been increasingly hotter as the days go by. the hottest day before the play day (based on my timex watch thermometer) was 114. i'm not sure if that takes the humidity into account or not, but yesterday, we hit 118 and today, the watch gave me a series of --- where the numbers normally would be. i'm guessing that means that the watch maxxed out, seeing as how that is often considered to be the borderline between normal hot weather and extremely hot weather. anyhow, later on, the temperature cooled down and came back as 120 on my watch. i think that i have mostly acclimatized and i think the only residual affects are that i get tired easily, am constantly sweating and constantly in need of water and breaks.

so...on an internal level, life has been a little crazy. i think that i was not sure what to expect as far as what the mission entailed from the get go and that really left me confused. i must explain...the basis of our mission here in koh yao is that we are building an orphanage/school/community center (different rooms for different aspects and the school part doubles as a community center at night). so that is the physical justification as for why we are here. we are working under the umbrella of the sustainable development research foundation with a part of our church outreach group called xealot (this project is a partnership between the SDRF and xealot). the sdrf is a non christian organization that just happens to employ almost all christians (if it were founded as a christian organization, they would not have access to as many of the different areas in thailand, as they are primarily buddhist or muslim). the SDRF works to improve the economic structure of areas that are in need (such as southern thailand after the tsunami) and uses that arm of outreach to show the people God's love and also their love for eachother as they serve the various communities. xealot is the christian outreach arm of our church, in which, we currently have 8 people who are in thailand for long term missions projects (2yr stints). so.........having thrown down that haphazard background, we are here to build a building to help the economic situation of this area. we are not here to prostheletize (sp?) to the people, but to serve them and to build relationships with the community under the umbrella that our long term folks can build on as they interact with the people in the area more and more. so...it took me a few days to prioritize my time here and really figure out what i was supposed to do. day 1, i was all about getting as much done that would get the building up as fast and efficiently as possible. that soon proved to be futile, as the thai workers are paid on a daily basis, so they are really in no hurry to get the job done (i would not expect anything else). so anyhow...i have finally settled my differences with my work ethics and my spirituality and found a level ground that sits between the physical work and actually building the relationships.

...more to come...

ky

thursday (ported from myspace)

so it's thursday in thailand...we actually started workin on tuesday, when we arrived here on koh yao around 2pm. that makes today the official 3rd working day. it is finally hot today...i guess the previous 2 days weren't that bad...but today...yeah...its dang hot. some perspective on that: i'm not sure how my timex watch measures temperature, but i left it out in the sun for thirty minutes or so to take my body heat out of the picture...and it was reading 114 degrees! woo hoo! yeah. so we are still working away...with my mindset having shifted from actually getting work done to trying to connect with the workers that we are helping...oops !!! time to go!!

thailand away! (ported from myspace)

so i'm in thailand...and the rain is coming down! we are supposed to be well into our first work day, but when we came back from lunch, the rain started coming down...so we are just kickin it in the "mayor's" office. I'm not really sure how the actual mission is going, it feels like we are not making too much progress, but the people that we are working with are having fun.

the food has been good for the most part, but there is a lot of fish that is not really meeting my needs. I did have some squid that was pretty good, considering that I have not had squid in the past. we are having fish pretty much every meal in one form or another and the cook and proprietor of the bungalows that we are staying in (havalea?) seems to understand that we can handle a little bit of spicy food at each meal. sokny, josh and a few others dont enjoy spicy food, so his dishes aren't always accepted around the table, but for the most part, people seem to be doing well.

the work is going well. we are doing a lot of manual, physically intensive construction type work that is wearing out my body. i am thankful that God has blessed me with such a strong physical build, but i think the heat (though from what the other team said, we have it easy) is starting to wear on me. I have been cranking away on the physical side of things and my forearms started cramping up today when working with the hoe. we are moving dirt back and forth with all of the effort being expended in similar efforts.

the flight was pretty difficult and on the 10.5hr flight over to japan, i only slept about 30mins, with most of the flight time in pursuit thereof. i am really enjoying the thailand aspect of the situation. since arriving, we spent the first night in bankok at a christian hostel. i think it was about 33 bucks a night and it was darn near in downtown. after arriving, we were, to say the least, totally confused as to what time it was. thai time was about 2am, but i think we were still on cali time, where it was about midday. the rest of the team was fairly tired and decided to retire to their room, but sok and I were running on adrenaline and took some time to tour the outdoor market. there were a variety of street food vendors as well as the standard knock off markets for shoes, wallets and a variety of other upper class items.

the next morning, we took a walk in the city to the xealot thailand offices (newsong's long term team in thailand - 2yr stay) where we talked about the mission and took some time to dig into thai culture a bit. from there, we took a bus to another airport and flew down to the Phuket area of thailand (south western area). we took another van/bus to our hotel, where we briefly scoped out the area. i was able to go for a short solo run on the beach and it was a little freaky seeing the ocean, knowing that it was just a few months ago that a killer tsunami ravaged the area. it was apparent that the touristy attractions were not all open, whether it was because it is rainy season or because of the tsunami, i do not know. it looked like there were a few dozen mini restaurant type establishments, of which only three were open. the area did look barren and i have heard from a few of the missions folks from last week that a few of the guys that we will be working with lost their wives in the tsunami. they said that they were able to save their children, but they could not save their whole family.

from phuket (in which we stayed in a nice hotel, one of few that are still open after the tsunami - apparently everything is super cheap due to the aforementioned reasons) we drove a short distance to a boat dock, from which we took a boat (yesterday morning) to the island of koh yow (spelled a number of different ways out here). the island is nice, the typical tropical island with a sandy beach (which i have heard is littered with trash from the ever changing currents), palm trees, a boat dock and rain foresty type vegetation. it reminds me very much of costa rica. we are staying in some house style bungalows, where there are plenty of openings for a wide variety of critters to enter. we had a large size grasshopper in the shower room this morning as well as a giant moth in the bedroom last night. i have only suffered two mosquito bites, both of which are my own fault for sleeping without the mosquito net over the bed. it was filled with it's own supply of bugs, so i decided not to drape it over the bed (i am sharing a bed with steve, one of our team leaders). the large bungalows (sleep 4) are 15 bucks per night and the smaller bungalows are 5 bucks per night. the showers are interesting and range from a bucket and a regular faucet to a hose that you use to wet yourself to the girls bungalow, where i have heard that they have a bona fide shower head. it is not too bad...but i have not slept well and that begins to wear on the body after awhile.

anyhow...the rain has stopped and i feel that if i type any more, i will be burning up valuable work hours here on the computer. what a suprise that we are working in a facility that has what i have heard are the only two computers with internet on the island (pop 6,0000). until next time...adieu!

thailand is upon us (ported from myspace)

So...it's thursday. to some, it's just another thursday, but not me, nope. i feel like it's the last day of school...all of the normal work drama that would probably pull me down, from where i would look to my coffee cup to pull me up...just bounces off of me. I'm all smiles. umm...at the same time, i have this nervous apprehension about the trip (i will post my missions letter after finishing this blog)...it's not so much the work or the physical structure of the trip itself...i'm not too worried about that, but it's more of the spiritual aspect of the journey. we are going to thailand to build a nursery/orphanage for the vicitims of the december tsunami. that's cool and all...but we are really going to reach out to the villagers on the little island that we will be working on. we are going there as missionaries, granted, we are not going to be doing any outright, in your face evangelism, but we will be open to sharing to those who question us about it. breakthrough work like this is what changes lives...and, on a larger scale, changes the world. i'm not saying that i am expecting to see huge changes in the villagers on Koh Yao (the island), but I am fully expecting to see God working in us, as a team and in the villagers (not sure to what extent).

so yeah.

I'm not supre excited about my current employment situation...i work at procter and gamble, and that's cool n' all...but i'm not set on the fact that this is for me...that i SHOULD be here in 25yrs to retire and that this is the work that God has chosen for me to do for my time on this funky blue and green planet. i'm not too sure about much in life at this point...except for that which I have already locked in (umm...i guess that doesnt even cover lunch today...hambuger habit, anyone?) and on top of that, i have a few things that i think would be really great to do in my life...marry...have some kids (2!)...own a house...(not so sure about that...it's probably just residual "american dream mentality" that i have been programed with since birth)...i guess travelling is something that i really enjoy, seeing new places and whatnot...but on top of that...i just like kickin it with people that are interested in the same stuff that I am...and sharing god's love with them and trying to be as christlike as possible (ie...be a better person than i am and striving for improvements towards that end until the day i die).

phew...as always...i'm not sure that i really said anything in this blog...but i did put some words down on paper...er...on the screen...um...well...there are some new 1's and 0's stored on some server somewhere...yeah...so i'm done.

k

Currently listening:
Morning View
By Incubus
Release date: 23 October, 2001

general confusion (ported from myspace)

Now...I know I'm a smart guy. What the hell. I guess this ties with what I wrote in my last blog...Again I am not hanging out with my woman. Last night, I hung out with my buddy mike with the talk that I would hang with the lady afterwards. I called her as soon as I was done hangin with mike and...no answer. Hmm...so...after a frustrated night of unanswered phone calls...I finally fell asleep. I found out in the morning that she had left her cell phone in the car and that she had also gone to bed early in order to get enough sleep to awake at 4:15 and go in to work early. ok...fine and good. one night...no big deal. So I'm all excited about hanging out tonight (one day is a long time for us to NOT hang out)...and i remember that tonight is family night...at my house. So I call her up and let her know what the new plans are...and I find that she doesnt want to hang out...she's tired and family night usually runs late and all...no suprise. Here's what I trip on...I always get upset about stuff like this. I mean...I understand that I want to hang out with her...and whatever. I know I'm in a hungry mood (kyle = impatient prick when hungry/tired/in traffic)...but dang...why am I such a punk. I hate when I'm in those kinda moods. especially when I have to apologize afterwards. Its like I'm not myself for a time. I really dislike that about myself (is it ok to not like a part of me?...i suppose it's ok as long as I work to change that part, yeah?). i wonder what the heck gets me all riled up so quickly. Hmm...my internal phsychologist program is not able to analyze myself today...any takers? Hit me up with the most in your face comments...I need help! haha...not that I'm about to self destruct or anything...I'm just a little pissed off at myself. oh well...TIA.

Currently listening:
Funeral
By Arcade Fire
Release date: 14 September, 2004

the space between (ported from myspace)

Between any two people...no matter what...there needs to be space. Anyone that knows me knows that when I am in a relationship...that person is top dawg in my life. (i'm still the man, so I always have the final say...haha...yeah right) Seriously, though...i always throw myself into whichever relationship that I am in...100%. Not that I have the busiest life or anything (when not in a relationship), ...far from it, actually....but I tend to drop whatever it is that I am doing and charge on into the new greatness. It's kinda funny how content I can be spending time with myself when I'm not in a relationship and then how, when I am alone...um....
My brain is mush....i am digging through a swamp to find my words....I think I am being overpowered by hunger at the moment.
Basically...i dont have too much free time when I'm in a relationship. I think that heading into relationships like that takes its toll on a person (ME). I saw something in one of those lame chain emails that has the same 15 quotes as all of the other emails that run the globe and the originator's bonus five that all but make the email worthless.... (BTW...I never forward those...so please...yeah...dont send them unless you just want ME to read them ;) )...so...in that email, it was saying something like "love as though you have never been hurt before...and you will live a full life". I really think that's the attitude that I have when I charge into a new relationship. and I am convinced that it is a good thing. I think it's a bunch of poo to head into something that could be the best thing in the world for two people with anything less than all that you have to offer. I'm not saying that I'm a huge huggy buggy love machine on the first date...but when I know that I have found someone worth keeping...I'm going to hold onto that person and pour myself into the relationship. This time...that attitude was matched by the other person (not that that hasn't happened before...) which leads to spending endless hours together. The natural effects of all of this face time with a new person in one's life should be obvious....the family and friends at first see how happy you are and encourage you onward...then they tell you to slow down ( as everthing tends to move at an increased pace, given the extra hours per week spent together )...that you are heading into it way too fast...don't get in over your head....(which I am fine with...because I feel that most people don't charge into relationships with all that they have and, as a result, freak out when they see it happening with someone they are close to -> the more you put in, the more you risk BUT! the more you can also enjoy if the "gamble" pays off....hence....love like you have never been hurt...because everyone gets hurt at one time or another) After all of that fairly low-level predictable conversation comes the family and friends getting the feeling that they are now not getting enough of the person (this applies to both people in the relationship) that they are so used to having plenty of free time to spend with them. I have seen many different degrees of this intervention in my years...all of which SEEM to add to the stress of the relationship. I know that they do add stress...but I think that the timining is normally such, with this intervention, that it is healthy for a little more time apart (distance makes the heart grow fonder, no?). THIS time is different for me, in that I had a realization (today, actually...on the way home from my parents house....driving by the mall :P) that when two people spend every moment of the day together (minus work and other mundane tasks) that there tends to be a buildup of animosity between the two. I can say this...I love my woman. (in case you didnt know...let this be the official press release!)...and, having said that...I need to expound on my hypothesis. I think that if you hang out too much...neither of the people in the relationship are able to get all of the things done that need to be done. Laundry, Car cleaning, room cleaning, friend time, Xbox hacking...whatever it is that you were doing before, that you enjoyed doing (or just plain had to do) doest not get done. because of that...you start to build a to do list. everyone has them, but not everyone has a reason (even if you don't realize it) that you are not getting the stuff done in the first place. if I don't get to do all of my laundry this week...i might be ok. if i don't get to do laundry next week...i might start to run low on socks...and that will wear on me little by little...a stressor adding to the pile of minor stressors in one's life that keep us as tightly wound as we all are. Anyhow...as usual....I'm spent and I'm not sure that I really said anything worth saying...but I said it, nonetheless. I feel like getting some food...hmmm....Del Taco anyone? Call me soon and I might head out to eat with ya....haha yeah right....i will probably just pass out right now and forget about it until I wake up with my stomach trying to digest itself. ;)

Currently listening:
Emotive
By A Perfect Circle
Release date: 02 November, 2004

disclaimer (ported from myspace)

Blogs for me...
start with an idea, a feeling. They go and grow from there into what, i do not know. I open my mind and let it flow, straight from the incipient stage idea all the way the the ending "." I do not edit my thoughts, just let them straight out through my fingertips. As a result of this stream of conciousness flow of words...y'all get to see some thought processes.
Maybe it was something I have been thinking about for a few months, maybe it was just the fact that I didnt like how the guy in front of me at the grocery store smelled...but something got me thinking and I just let 'er rip from there. critique...umm...feel free...I'm not into negativity...I might post your comments...or I might just delete them, seeing as how we really do have enough negative people in the world already and I see no point in spreading bad vibes on MY page. HA! yeah...that's about it for now.

Currently listening:
Room on Fire
By The Strokes
Release date: 28 October, 2003

ummmmmmm

i'm not even sure where any of this is going. why do things go up and down so much? why do the downs suck so bad when the goods that were so great twenty minutes ago are no longer in the audience? the good is still here...not to say that. it's just that there are so many times where the bad just takes over the situation and puts a hole in the boat as only bad can do. i suppose there will always be holes to fill and sweaters to mend, but why? it seems that my boxers are always torn or that I never have enough pairs of pants...but there are always tons of shirts to be had. life patterns itself off of my closet. no matter what's going on in life, there always seems to be something that needs attention. No, not like the hey, how ya doin kind of attention...like the gawd life sux...be a friend kind o' attention. why is that? why can't life just take a break from being so up tight and relax and be enjoyed? I suppose that would be too easy. like retirement. if you dont do anything with your life after finishing the life long working man's struggle...your body just falls off into the fog, as in a piers anthony never ending saga. however, if you stay active and do stuff...(studies show that retirees that gamble on a regular basis live longer than those that don't - more than likely being attributed to the fact that they are out doing something instead of just sitting home knitting)...you will live a longer retired life. sounds good to me...but why do we need challenge? I dont want challenge. well...I dunno about that. I really do like a challenge at times, but there are those situations where challenges just suck. I dont want to have to work to be with someone.
Now, I understand that all relationships take work and that part of the deal is fine. I guess I just have issues with drama. lol ...as if that's not just one big contradition of terms. i crack me up. anyways...dinner was great...blockbuster was fun, too...then the talk began. Not that talk is anything special in unto itself...talk is everwhere...all the time. ya gotta have the talk. but this talk was different. talk that refers to the past. talk that pulls one back to a time where single was the state and the mentality that goes with that is...well...single. you've all been there...in fact, quite a few of you are there now. and that's not a bad thing. single is a great time to discover who you really are and enjoy yourself and your life. I learned a TON about myself in my last stint of single. i wasn't necessarily looking to ditch single when I did, but I sure am glad that i have moved into not single with the woman that i'm with. pause tangent...back to our main story of the night... so yeah...when you're single, you are pretty much free to do whatever you want, whenever you want. That's fine and good, i suppose. Everyone does something different, as single is different for everyone. duh. so...why do the habits of single have anything to do with the habits of not single. for instance....if I liked to party a lot and dance with other women and...god forbid...kiss another woman on the dance floor...that would be fine. maybe not one of my better moments, but not something to bring trouble upon me. I would be fine with that happening. I have been there...and that's that. But now...I'm a not single kyle. i love being a not single kyle with this woman. i am not stuggling with that in the least. but...here's the rub...i'm not sure it's a rub...but here's the deal anyhow... if I were to look something someone did as a single person and look down on them for doing what they are doing...(say kissing someone that you just met or whatever...defin itely not the best of things to do, but definitely not the worst, either)...I suppose that could be a bad thing. umm...that didnt make sense. ok. i'm not a fan of flirtatious women that flirt just to flirt. i think that emotions are something that are not to be toyed with and that excessive flirting can be just a tool that is used to get attention, material goods, whatever. when it is used as such, it can be harmful. it can be a bad thing. if someone were to flirt a lot while single...but not while in a relationship...that isnt necessarily a bad thing. single is one thing....not single is entirely different. flirting while being single is ok...not a bad thing, though it can be if abused or turned into sport. flirting while in a relationship is not a good thing. I'm not saying that it doesnt happen or that it is always bad, but there are definitely tighter guidelines for that, than the single flirt. umm. it's late for me tonight....though it is not yet tomorrow...hm oh well.
modified mood...stoked about being not single...loaded on too much late caffeine...pacified by chronic lack of sleep...loving the pseudo intoxication that sleep deprivation provides... WOW...I haven't drank alcohol since...umm...I think since the PSP event. Not that I didnt have enough there for the month, but WOW. I sure am strange. maybe I will post some snowboarding pics now... :P

Currently listening:
Musicforthemorningafter (with Bonus CD)
By Pete Yorn
Release date: 23 April, 2002

walla walla (ported from myspace)

interesting as life can be…unhappy as people get…elated as the opposite makes…interested as can be…scared in love…destroyed by the words never spoken…the look that killed…the hand that froze…the touch that healed…the hug that told a story…times past…here now…free speak speech…total communication…blabbering idiot…story told backwards…misinterpretation is the key…ban censorship…explain the mush…focus on the emotion of the moment…capture the feelings…work it out…physically emotive…trembling stomach…scared in love…in love?...in love

Currently listening:
Where You Want To Be
By Taking Back Sunday
Release date: 27 July, 2004

...on life (ported from myspace)

life is just one of those things...i'm not sure that anyone ever really figures life out...it's more like life figures us out...that sounds way too much like a predestination theorist. I'm not sure what I really want out of life yet. It seems like whenever I'm on a high...whether that be a new sport, a new girl, a new toy, or a new best friend...there are very few things in life that are actually a good return on the investment. The initial investment is usually the same..the new thing, lets call it a trobblee...well, that trobblee is the best thing in life. you get out of work, after thinking about the new trobblee all day...speed on home to your new love...the trobblee. upon arriving, you run upstairs and pick up your new trobblee...your hera bursting with excitement about all of the time you get to spend with your new trobblee. at this point, the trobblee is perfect. it is a rare occasion when something...anything in this world is perfect, but in that first day or two, there is nothing that can come between you and the trobblee. even if physically seperated, your minds...deeper...your souls...deeper...your entire beings are connected. there is a sense that you cannot live without your precious trobblee. that day, after work, you polish your trobblee...cleaning off the seven particles of dust that have settled on it over the course of the day. the trobblee is everything to you today...life is good. anyhow...that night, you have trouble sleeping. you spent all day with your new trobblee...basking in it's wholesome goodness....slathering on the thick layers of over-emphatic emotion. your thoughts are only of the next day, when you wake and see your new trobblee. after hours of tossing and turning (with a few intermitten episodes of turning the light on, just so you can catch one last glimpse of your precious trobblee), you are finally put under by the dark comfort that is sleep. you do not remember your dreams the next morning, but the first thought that pops into your head is your new trobblee. with the slight overlap of the waking and the dead, you insert the troblee into your dreams, though there were none to be had. you had imagined all of the good times that you would spend in the next lifetime together, for who, once having had, would be without trobblee ever again? the excitement is not as intense, as the emotion is overcome by the imminence of the day's work. you smile at your trobblee with that...I will always be yours...morning after smile. with that, you leave the haus [Kt ;)] and head off to another day's work. your thoughts are mostly of the trobblee...and you are still anxious for the work day to pass (not too different from any other non-trobblee day) and your thoughts do hover around that of the trobblee. Having said that...it is all too apparent that the notion of the trobblee's everlasting prescence in your life is but a fleeting sensation. not to say that all emotions are as fleeting as the one briefly touched upon above, but (BUT!!)...it does seem that there is a pattern in life. Great things come...and...somehow...life takes it's toll. Whether that be the every day 9-5 grind...or the struggles of a single parent, life tends to wear one away. Methinks this is a US thang. Not that there arent plenty of others throughout the world that suffer similarly, but that we, as americans have been raised to think that having your dearest trobblee is that for which we should strive...0-99, with occasional breaks at 15,33 and 52 for retrospection. i'm not saying that trobblees can't be the best thing in the world...for there ARE those moments when your lil trobblee is the best. There is nothing that you wouldnt trade your trobblee for. there are very few things in life that actually have a lasting impact on us. who cares about the negative impacts...in the end...they are only going to bring you down if you linger on them. it is completely necessary to have good friends that you are able to discuss them with, however, in order to put them into perspective. This allows one to grow from mistakes, which are really just life's learning opportunities. they are paintful, but when you are at your lowest, or most teary eyed of times...you are exposing who you really are. skirting that aside midway, we pass right on to the lasting affects that can be had upon us. people are probably the most obvious of all the lasting impacts. This leads one to believe that an actual person can somehow affect another's life to the extent that the latter's life will be altered forever. There are very few people in this world that are actually worth listening to, let alone worth taking the time to learn from. i'm not sure that it's the person that actually affectts us the most. it seems that reaction is the most powerful of tools when it comes to dealing with those other people. If someone tells me that i'm ugly...i can react to that in a few different ways. if i choose to get mad, the other person might have achieved what they were looking for..to irritate me. that is something that I can fairly easily control. if I choose to react to that comment with a laugh....this may confuse the other person...it may make the person a little confused...or it may just encourage the person to take to the offensive with the verbal abuse. Anyhow....i feel that the reaction is the most powerful thing to learn to control. This gives you fairly direct control over the entire mood/direction/outcome of any conversation. Who is to say that one well timed smile or a laugh at a key moment might just make that person your best friend that much sooner? I fully believe in this. Anyhow...this whole conversation has indeed turned into another brain spillage...onto the electrons that are my viewsonic professional series p220f monitor...yes yes...so the real intent of this discussion was to get at the root of human motivation. what motivates you? are you driven by something external...trobblee...or something internal. I have found that when being driven primarily by an external force, especially if that force takes on a new life in the very mind that discovered it, the effects of the external force increase dramatically. it is only when we can reach into ourselves and pull ourselves up to a new level, at which, trobblees are mere supplements to our already elevated existance. I'm not trying to reach a new spiritual level with this...just on a personal growth level. why would you want to live your life with complete dependence on something/somone else? not that that is always bad...for that IS what we search for the most...but that it can be a bad thing and can lead to you keeping yourself at a lower level than you should really have to be at. muah!

Currently listening:
Franz Ferdinand
By Franz Ferdinand
Release date: 20 April, 2004

Roadtrip blatherings... (ported from myspace)

Copied straight (no editing) from my roadtrip laptop journal...

This copy of word is licensed to robbie williams…probably the brit pop singer. Haha what a joke. Anyhow, I’m sitting up here darn near mount st Helens and I have no place to sleep. Its 1215am…I’m half wired on monster energy drinks and the other half dead tired from driving ALL day. I started today in…er….umm…somewhere a little north of redding…I think. It all starts to run together after awhile. So yeah. I went to crater lake national park today, that was hot! There were great views all across the park, both of the lake and the surrounding volcanoes and whatnots. Oregon was growing on me, but I don’t know what to think for real, seeing as how I was only there for less than 12hrs. Whatever. I would have kept on driving tonight, but for the fact that I know that I’m practically sitting on top of MSH and it would just kill me to be this close and not to see it. LoL…I think I’m going to try to hit Mt Rainier National Park tomorrow. I’ll bet that that park is pretty much that one mountain…but it’s usually snow capped and symmetrical, so it should make for some good photos. It’s also a National Park, so I could check that one off the list. One of these days, I’m going to have to do some of the cool national parks for real instead of just pulling these day trip drive through run the trail snap the pics in n out deals…haha. So tomorrow, I will probably just kick it here for a bit, then roll on up the the aforementioned NP…maybe hit seattle later in the day. Seattle is only 120 or so miles from here, so it shouldn’t be a chore at all to make it there tomorrow. Canada is something like 150 miles north of Seattle, so that will be an interesting skip hop jump. I love this trip…I think. J I’m without direction for the most part…just following the road signs that point to items of interest. Gawd I’m indecisive tonight…I kinda screwed myself by getting here so late, though. I could have crashed behind a supermarket or something back in St Helen (city in Oregon on the way up to Washington) oh well. C’est la vie, ja? WHAT THE FUCK!! Figure your shit out kyle. On the bright side…the other campground will be opening up in 6.5hrs…yay. I wonder if I can keep this up for that much longer…um…nah. It has been ten minutes and I’m already babbling like a buffoon. This laptop isn’t half bad to type on. I guess the short distance that y’have to push for the keys to respond makes up for the lame ass setup…too small of a board…yeah, that’s about it. Wow…a few guys at a site next to me threw some road flares in the firepit to get it started and its flaming up huge pink right now. Drinking at the same time…gawd people are smart. …but I’m the one sitting here not sure if I should be here or not, right? Its funny how it would be easier for me to find a place to park and sleep in a “city” vs out here in the absolute middle of no where. Ah…I will drive back to the fwy and find a gas station to sleep behind. I wonder what someone would do if they found me randomly sleeping behind their building? Probably just give me the …sucks to be you look and move on. Dunno. Hey…I think this trip epitomizes my life right now. Without detailed direction, just going through the motions. I go to work, save the requisite amount to keep the retirement account looking good…rinse wash repeat. Whatever. I guess the end goal is retirement and death for everyone, right? What do you want to accomplish in your “dash”, Kyle? I feel like a good person for the most part, but every once in awhile, I feel like I am pure evil, the worst person on the planet and I don’t ever really know why. Hmm….I haven’t done that much bad stuff…no more than most other people…or so it seems. There goes another ten minutes. I wonder…hmm…6.5hrs is like 39 more times that ten minutes have to pass unnoticed….then I can go get a campsite, shower and all that. Hahahahahahahh. This is getting to be a desperate routine. I’m going to end up sleeping my days away and stay up at night typing to myself until something happens. I should try to have a campsite setup tomorrow by 8pm or something so I don’t end up in this same position again. Work is not interesting…it’s fun here and there, but I can be a resource for anything, why would I pick SAP? That’s not what I want. I would rather fix bikes for a living or design something or just work on mechanical stuff all day long. See…I know if I say that I’m going to go back to school right now, I will get all excited about it and whatnot and maybe even go pick up a catalog…but I can almost guarantee myself right now that I wouldn’t take it any further than that. Yeah yeah…when is it going to be the right time to go back? I have no fucking idea. Lorena really does confuse me. She wants super analytical levels of detail about the smallest thing. Should she call me? Is it ok? Is she contributing to my stress? HAHA. She is stress…one big ball of irresponsible unmotivated stress. I think today is the day that ford is going to take my car payment outta my account. That will be interesting. Hopefully they wont screw it up too much. Seeing as how I am riding on my cash accounts and whatever. Yeah, that makes it sounds like I have a ton of cash for this trip, when I’m really riding on my credit card for all of the gas and using the cash for the other stuff. Ok…I’m going to crash here and see what comes of that in the morning…g’nite. 1244 now…hmm…only 6hrs 10 mins…yeah right J



Night three…Seattle (sorta). I’m sittin in some ghetto druggie hotel / motel that I worked myself into. What a wonderful world, eh? I pulled another lack of planning stunt and managed to arrive at the park that I eventually found, (courtesy of steve’s GPS) around 7:30pm. It seems that pretty much every park around here closes at dusk…so my policy for tomorrow night’s camping adventure is 6pm…in the park…that’s it. HAHA no more of this sleeping in the car with no shower and whatever. This ghetto place was $35/night…and they are probably going to use my credit card number on the ‘net to order up all sorts of fun shit that I will get to explain to Visa. Whatever…that’s what credit cards are for. I’m going to have to hide the laptop and gps and camera in the room tonight, as I really don’t trust this place. It’s better than sleeping in the car, I guess, but not by much. I wonder where 911 calls from cell phones go in Washington? Oh yeah… I think I’m in a Seattle suburb called Des Moines right now. That’s where the park was that I was going to crash at…I was all excited that I was here before 8pm, which was my new time to hit the camp site by after last night’s repeat sleep in the car fiasco. Haha…at least I slept well…and didn’t have to worry about my stuff getting jacked. But here…I get a shower and I’m paid up and legal to be sleeping here. We shall see…everything in life is a gamble at one level or another. Hey!! Tomorrow is my first real day of vacation…I don’t have to worry about getting up for work on a Monday morning. Fun times. I will just be happy if I wake up with all my stuff intact (including the car). I think I will probably hit Seattle in the morning and grab some coffee…probably hang out until 2 or 3, then move on out towards Canada. If that doesn’t take me longer than I’m thinking it will, I should be good to go for the 6pm in camp plan. Then I will actually get to try out my sleeping bag and tent. It’s pretty damn cold here…I wonder what it will be like outdoors in the great Canadian wilderness? Yeah buddy!! A zero degree bag…on one or two blankets…it should be interesting for sure. I’m actually thinking about bringing it in here for the night…nah. I do have both of my blankets and my pillow. I don’t trust these sheets. I’ll take some pics of this place just to be sure that I can look back on the exact degree of my idiocy and hopefully force myself into a little more of a planned situation the next time I try to head out on the great American highways…dunno when that will be… Ok…I’m going to hit the shower now and see if I can get some sleep. I’m going to try to stash my stuff…mmmm….under the bed, I guess. Cheerio!...wish me luck J



I’m sitting in line for the canadian border right now…kinda odd. I guess I never really expected to have to wait to get in. I wonder what the big deal is? Do they really check that much stuff that it takes awhile to get in? I guess so. Anyhow…its 1240pm…a little earlier than I expected to be here, but that’s cool. I guess I will probably just dink around vancouver for a few hours and be extra proactive in finding a campsite. I hope they are cool up in canada…everyone seems to think that canadians are pretty cool, so I don’t expect there to be any major issues. I’m a little nervous about experiencing this new culture. This is kinda the “endpoint” of this trip, if there ever could be one…actually, its really only the halfway point…and I still have more than half of my vacation to go. That’s good…I will have plenty of leisure time to explore the redwoods…vancouver…whatever my heart desires, really. I don’t know that I am really looking to meet any women…but if I do…then I do. Not that anything will come of it, but there is always that thrill of the first encounter and whatever. On road trips…they are fun, but damn…that’s a lot of driving…hahaha..i guess the name says it all, eh? Road Trip! Lalala. I think my next trip will have to be a flight somewhere…then let the random ebb and flow of the tides of life take me where they will…I’m not sure what to think of seattle…I think I was expecting something life changing or whatever to reach out and grab me…but it was just another place. I really didn’t choose to invest the time necessary to seek out the places that might have pulled me in, just bounced through the city, grabbed my coffee to go and was off running to the next destination (here). Hmm…seattle and rainier are definitely on the list to revist. Rainier had some sweet areas where you could spend all day just bouncing down one trail, then the next…maybe like 5 days there would be good. It was great talkin to the guy at the park about his life and all that…and I loved the fact that it snowed….if only for ten minutes. There is something about the snow that makes life feel clean….duh, its white…but just being in the snow made me happy…probably happier than it should have. Whatever…it DID make me happy and that’s that. :D. I’m still not sure if I am going to take the ferry to victoria island, but that attitude has pretty much been the theme of this trip. LoL…that and sleeping in the car (so far). Hopefully I can change that with my new plan to be in a campsite by 6pm everyday from now on. I really do want to spend some time out in nature, just camping it up. Gotta break in the new bag, right? Yay!! Zero degree bags from Marmot rock!!!...well…they do in oxnard, in my living room…on carpet…Umm…I think I’m about done…and I’m just about all the way to the border…I will leave this thing to freecell until I’m there. Until next time…adieu! J





Later in canada…Golly gee…I have less than no luck with this whole camping up and down the coast thing…Oh, did I mention that I locked my keys in the car this morning? I used the phone at the ghetto hotel (found out in the time waiting for the tow truck that the guy working there is pretty cool) to call the tow truck driver…twice in five days…haha. So immediately after leaving the hotel, I hit up the local auto parts store and picked up a few hide a key boxes. I will have to see if AAA has one of those plastic key dealies just to get into the car…that would be a nice backup to the backup. But I did make sure to put the little magnetic dealie under the car, where it now waits for my next time of trauma. Back to Canada…(I have now given in to the fact that I’m going to be sleeping in my car again)…haha…battery ran out.



WEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I mention that I found an actual campground…that’s open…that has water in the pool…and I paid…and now I’m actually getting to camp in my tent…on my road trip YEAH!!. OMG I am so excited….by the fact that I’m not sleeping in my car…or in some ghetto hotel (btw, no pics of that place, the batteries on the cam cam were dead and I didn’t want to cruise back into the room just for some pics)…oh well. Did I mention that Canadian women are actually friendly? Yeah…I was at the previous prospective campsite and there were a few women there…and they were actually friendly!! I’m not sayin that they came up and asked to jump my bones or anything (that’s not that I’m lookin for…so that’s cool), but they actually responded to me…smiling at me and interested in talking…instead of the usual cali “blah…” and the look that I usually get that makes me want to go be a hermit for the rest of my daze(d) life. ;) yeah buddy…so I don’t know what to make of that…I don’t know if its just that women up here respond more to ME, or if they are just more friendly, but either way, I’m digging it….and I get to enjoy it for another day YEAH!!!...I’m so stoked that I actually get to camp…did I mention that? Oh…this place is called Tynehead RV Camp…doesn’t sound like a place where they would have a spot for tents, but they do have a grassy knoll next to some kind of RV graveyard, where the grass is flat enough to pitch a tent. The previous prospective location (as it I now known as) was called Anmore Camplands..it looked like some sort of privately owned joint…but it had closed for one reason or another. I am pretty glad that I headed up that way…as it was up in the mountains surrounding the Vancouver area…because the lake was nice…but dang was I bummed at being shut down again. Anyhow..I’m going to pitch the tent and get all that setup and maybe hit the spa before calling it a night…I will do my best to jump back on this thang and put down some more schpielage… J



So yeah…scoped out the area…setup the tent…w00t!! Took a break to put some music on…remembered that guy findley quaye…and William orbit. They put together a tight song called dice…check it out for sure. Combo funky voice guy and smooth techno integration. Rock out on it. I think it gets dark here earlier than cali…its like 650 and its pretty much flashlight weather out right now. I guess that’s ok, but it cuts into my exploration time for sure. I keep taking deep breaths…what a relief to actually have a place to stay tonight…anyhow, enough of that…um yeah…I think I’m going to go for a short walk around the park, and retire to my wonderfully erected tent J



At the border again…spent a little of the morning putzing around BC…then decided to head back to seattle for the day to chill…and probably camp just south of there for the night. I might head over to the last national park on my list for this trip…I think I’m going to do seattle….maybe I will just take a ferry over there. That would be pretty cool. One of my many plans for this trip included two ferry rides…one to Victoria island from Canadian mainland and another from the island back to the us…which would have landed me on the other side of the sound from seattle…maybe I will head straight to the ferry and cruise down to the national park today.



So yeah…I’m in line for the ferry over to port townsend right now. It was 7.75 for the ferry ride, which is awesome…it is the shortest ferry ride from the seattle side over to the…err…other side? This will be my first time on a vehicle ferry ride…woohoo! Not that it is too much different than going fishing with dad on those trips…those crew boats have flat backs and are probably very similar to the ship that I will be cruising on today. I’m definitely glad to be back in the US…I can’t say why…I don’t really like the US for any particular reason other than the fact that I was born here…but it is home. I wonder how long they are going to keep us waiting here? There are something like ten lanes for waiting peoples and I was put in lane two…there are three lanes that are nearly full right now…hmm….ok…time for a “learnings” bla ba…so far…on this trip, I have remembered how much of a fan of music I am…so I need to invest more in that…whether that means that I should buy an mp3 player…or hook up some music creation programs, I do not know…but I will look into that more. Hmm…I think I should also start going to church again. For some reaon…I feel that I have been getting pulled in that direction while on this trip. I cant really explain that, but that’s just how it is, so deal J women..hmm…not too many learnings on that subject…not that I will have too many learnings on that one in my lifetime, but hmm…friendly women rock…I don’t want to have to fight for/with (duh) my woman. I hate (what seems to be) the California attitude that women are there for me to work for…towards…like men need to earn women. Men and women go together like peanut butter and jelly…except better. So yeah…I guess I will keep on like I have been keeping on…reading mens health for the universally applicable truths…and see what I can do with that. I’m not saying that I’m trying to seduce women, but I do want to have as good an understanding as possible, since the first person learnings have been far and few between. On work…no clue…let me think about that for a few more decades :P







Cigarettes and chocolate by rufus wainright or something…what a goofy name…haha…like he got to choose it.



Musical concept…what the hell…song a) – not necessarily the first song on the disc, it would have to start with an intro of some sort…anyhow, the song…techno themed…titled NEWS…random blatherings in a brit accent…about the compass directions…north east south west and the lot. Random cake style lyrics with a propellerheads type intensity…I’m not talking about the drum n bass intensity…that will come later in the album…just the announcer type commentary for the intro…then the random, non politically associated, yet announcer style lyrics…



Song b)…XYZ..like the three dimensions from math…I think it was trig that first brought them about, but I would have to check on that to be sure…anyhow, the song would be techno or something…depending on how gorillaz the rest of the ideaz turn out to be…but whatever…yeah so talkin about the grade that they came up in…the other topics…how Z is new and whatnot…









so yeah…now I’m in Olympic national park and its really dark. I setup my tent and all…and as I was doing so, another car pulled up into a nearby spot and setup camp. Thank golly they did…it would have been super freaky being out here totally alone. I guess the host spot people are here…but they don’t count…who knows what the host people do out here all alone. Haha…kinda funny that random strangers are better than the host people that the govt selects to sit out here and hold down the fort. Anyhow…as I was paying for the campsite…y’know…dropping money into a box for someone to pickup later? Well…yeah…as I was doing that…one of the other camper people came up..scared the begeebers outta me. Yeah…but I guess there are two of them…the one that I met was female…somehow that is more comforting than having met a guy. I guess now I figure that I have to be all macho and whatnot…if she can do it…so can i…haha. Anyways…I just had to throw some words down about how freakin weird it is being out here in the dark alone. This journal gives me someone to talk to when I have no cell reception…a friend where no others are J anyways…I think it is time to hit the sack so I can wake up nice and early and see what this beautiful? Place looks like in the light of the sun that I miss so much now. Oh…the “inspiration” for the above blatherings…caffeine…yeah…I guess running on those energy drinks kinda takes the caffeine dependency outta the system anyhow…I’m off to sleep… J



I think today is Wednesday and it is another good day. My days are good if I am at a campsite and setup…not having to worry about sleeping in the car again. Tonight, I found a KOA kampsite in a place called Lincoln city. My original goal for the night was to make it down to Newport, which is just south of agate beach…the agate beach in Oregon. I was excited that I would be able to stop by there…but when I looked into what amenities the campsites offered, I found that none of them offered showers…which I am in desperate need of. So…I picked a location a little farther north in exchange for that particular add. As of now, I have camp setup, the car parked and whatever…and I got a short workout in, and it just turned 6 o clock. Hows that for planning? Haha…I rock! Anyhow…I have to go take a shower and cleanup before moving on, so I’m going to leave it at that for now…maybe I will stop back by after the shower to throw down some more words…perhaps about the cracked windshield…arg!@#$@%$... J



Ok…now the campsite is settled…I’m a little more settled and…ahhhhhhhh. I think I have finally relaxed. This whole trip has kinda been place to place…even though it was random, there was a destination. Once I hit canada, some of the pressure let up, but there was still something there. Now…I think I’m just happy to be off work…doin my own thing. I’m not saying that I have had any huge mind expanding epiphanies…but I do feel that a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. It was really…really…really nice sitting in the car today…filling ‘er up with gas and the phone alarm went off…IE meeting!! Aaaak!! I could have been getting ready for a meeting, but no, I was in northwest Washington, filling up my car with gas….getting ready for another five or six hours on the road, just doing what I want to do. Not that I really accomplished anything during this trip…I just went from point a to point b over and over again…without ever really knowing where the next point b would be hahaha. It was a fun feeling, when those two girls on the freeway, on day 1, asked me where I was heading…I just said Canada….they asked where I was staying that night (Friday) and I said…dunno. Haha. I ended up sleeping in my car just south of redding, but just the unknown was fun. That was back when I was driving too many hours in the day…I think that started to wear on me. I have been driving for the majority of the days still, but there is no pressing urge to get to the next spot…I just kinda bounce here and there…speaking of the next spot…I think I’m going to try to hit redwood national park tomorrow…and if I have time to explore it tomorrow, so be it, but if I don’t, I will just camp there and stop by to see the fam on Friday, before making a possible direct jump on down to bryan’s house. That’s the fun part about my driving trip…no plans…more of just a general idea…I know that I will be staying at Bryans on sat night…and I know I will be at home sun night…yada yada…but the in between time is as of yet unknown…I’ll get back to ya ;) yeah…so that’s where I’m at. Pretty good…definitely feeling much better than most days in the past few months…but I don’t think that I’m quite back up to superkyle status. I know that I’m not far off and hopefully some of the things that came up in this trip will help me figure out where I should be going…where I want to go, rather, in my life. One of the random radio stations that I hit on while paying too much attention to my driving and not enough attention to what I was listening to (I noticed that I have a tendency to leave music on that bugs me until it is, for whatever reason, brought to my attention). Anyhow…like I was saying…this radio station. It was a pastor, who was talking about how each of us has a fixed lifespan. Not so much a set number of days, just that the average person will live to seventy or so. He even went so far as to give stats based on the number of people he had in the audience…what percentwould die of this or that…and at what age. I thought the whole thing was absurd. To top it off, he said…for all you thirty year olds…you have forty years left. For all you forty year olds, you have thirty years left…and, get this…for all you seventy year olds…you are living on overtime. That part kinda pissed me off. But I guess he was just trying to drive home the point that no matter how young you are right now, you only really have so long to live and that whatever you are going to get done in your life might as well be done now, instead of waiting until tomorrow to do it….y’know…just do it! Ha. Anyways…I guess that random point just kinda stuck for some reason. I was also fortunate enough to catch some of the debates…bush is a total waste of a person…and kerry is going to drop the ball with terrorism…blarg…why cant we ever get a candidate for the most important position in the world that is worth a damn? Oh well…c’est la vie, ja? Late! J

Currently listening:
Brushfire Fairytales
By Jack Johnson
Release date: 29 January, 2002

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (ported from myspace)

...and a spoon full of suger. Go figure. Welcome to sunday! If you are reading this, that means that you have survived another weekend. Congratulations! You have successfully passed one of the tests required for entry into the next work week. Aren't you excited? Another five full days of work. Whether that means 8-5, 2-10 or some other ludicrious combination of 8 working hours...you are in. Hopefully, you have spent the time to find a job that you enjoy and those 8 hours will fly by...1 through 5 and you might not even notice the smooth transition into the next weekend. HOWEVER!!...if you are on the other side of the fence and you have fallen into a job...and subsequently, found yourself stuck, tied down by bills and other vices of this wonderful world...Monday means that you are re-entering the hell that is work....struggling hour after hour...just to pay for the car that transports you to your least favorite place to be...to pay for the food that sustains you through your working day...to pay for the clothes that wear you all day long at your job...chafing you in places unseen. Oh sweet life, rescue me from this nightmare that is 5/7...aak! is it life that we search for? is life looking for us? are we being sought out by that which we have spent many an hour pondering and searching for ourselves? "our greatest fears are now reality" JM does this mean that life is work...and nothing more? are we to struggle through 5 only to live 2? those two turn to blah when we find ourselves lost in time, searching for the daily routine that we have been trained to follow. our body's clock is set to the timing of the employer...our lives are set around the dollar. we do not search for the freedom that we can have, as we have never known it. life is a mystery novel, with the killer's face ever hidden in the shadow. we wander aimlessly in search for something that will fill the void. time is nothing until we turn white, as we all must. day after day...sunrise sunset...faster faster...payday is still 13 days off. save save...vacation is coming....spend spend..holidaze are here....wee!!

Currently listening:
White Ladder
By David Gray
Release date: 21 March, 2000

Ponder ponder... (ported from myspace)

"Okay, because today's been uneventful and ive been reading some Nietzsche.. its time for me to address a few issues. I was reading the SA forums when someone made a post about how he turned away from negativity and pessimism, he stopped thinking hes a failure, that hes worthless, and he started thinking positively. More so, he stopped hanging out with negative people because their negativity drained on him and made him negative. This guy has made a critical step, he examined himself and his assumptions about life and CHOSE to change them. Whether the change sticks, thats also a choice he makes. He thought to himself "Why am i unhappy?" "Why do I always think i will fail?" "Why am I not confident in abilities as a human?". He answered these questions most undoubtably "because Im in a pattern of negative thinking, and its reinforced by the negativity of my friends." Here are a few steps 1) Realize there is a problem 2) Search for what the problem is, and what assumptions or conflicts are causing the problem 3) Soulseek and research for a solution 4) CHOOSE to implement the solution. Most people in the world who are unhappy, either do not realize there is a problem, or do not follow through with step 2, which can be VERY difficult. Further, more do not have access to the answers or cannot deduce it themselves.. and lastly.. a huge barrier is implementation. It is so hard to break those assumptions and choose to live differently. It is hard, but remember.. in the end it is a choice. "You choose your own suffering." If you choose not to seek out the problem or ignore it, you choose to suffer. If you choose not to search for a solution, you choose to suffer. If you choose to stop choosing to implement the solution, you choose to suffer. You are NOT your thoughts, you are NOT your emotions, you are NOT your genetics, you are NOT your experiences, you are you. You and the values you hold have always been there. Seek them out and embrace them. In Zen buddhism it is said "Be who you were before you were born". Nietzsche speaks of the transformation of man to overman (a rough parallel to reaching satori or enlightenment in zen.. but not quite the same.) He speaks of the transformation from camel to lion to child. The camel is one who is burdened by values which are not his own. Such as Christians or other religious folks who lived by values which were given to them without examining them. In King's reflective judgment model (link at end), these people would be on the lowest end of being able to THINK FREELY. They assume the views of authority figures are TRUTH, without examination. But then, a few... they realize they have the power to say "no". They realize they dont have to follow the "Thou shalt" and instead say "I will", they question the values that have been given to them. These people, are the lions. They fight back and gain freedom... In King's model they would be in the middle stages. Last comes the child. The child stops saying "no" and says "yes". He says yes to life, he creates his own values and lives by them. "His spirit now wills his own will, and he who had been lost to the world now conquers his own world". These people are at the end of King's scale. So.. have you read this and has it gone over your head? It is best to get into a pattern of critical thinking, of breaking assumptions. When you interact with other people, pay close attention to yourself, what assumptions are you making about them? If a girl doesnt call you back, does that mean she doesnt like you? If a parent doesnt let you go out does that mean they hate you? If a friend of yours is late do you accuse him of not respecting your time? Examine things you do also, when someone is rude to you, do you lose control and yell at them? This isnt to say you shouldnt make judgments, judgments are important, but BE AWARE of them. The next step is to test whether you were right, ask the girl whether she was avoiding you, ask your parents why they chose not to let you go out, whatever. Try to understand situations from all angles and not just your own. Being able to see things through other's perspectives is a great tool. Because if you are able to learn these peopls frames of mind, you can interact with them differently and become more personable. When you look around the world, what assumptions do you make? Try to notice things around you that you havent noticed before. When youre at work and theres a certain protocol for how things should be done, stop and think.. "Why is this?" ask the hard questions. When you go to church, stop and think "Why am i doing this? Is this something I CHOSE to do, or is this something i ASSUMED was the right thing" I felt I was on a good path, but a friend of mine recently showed me the true power of this critical thinking. We were discussing management theory, and he posed me with such a simple question "Why are managers needed?". He exposed so many assumptions I had about leadership and the way corporations are run. But that was fine, if there is no other answer.. assumption or not it is the right way to proceed. Him, not being a business major or anything, started just thinking of a system which was the antithesis of my assumptions.. basically.. a corporation that is a group of selforganized cells working towards a common goal. This is when my memory was jogged and i realized this was a theory we had spoken about in one of my classes, a brand new theory on management called chaords. He had no previous knowledge of this and was able to deduce it through critical thinking. So, to anyone who bothers reading this, i say.. go out in the world, go into your consciousness, examine assumptions, and CHOOSE to think for yourself. I guarantee that once you discover who you are, you will be happy. King's reflective judgment model.. http://www-honors.ucdavis.edu/fh/aa/RJO.html or in chart form: http://web.missouri.edu/~wood/rjstages/rjstages.html " thanks Kt

Del Taco vs Taco Bell (ported from myspace)

This is something that I have been pondering for quite sometime now. I used to be all about the bell, but lately, I have definitely siding with Del Taco. I think there's something in the sauce that makes their tacos and whatnot taste just a little less artery-hardening. Actually...I can't hardly remember the last time I went to a Taco Bell...wow. That used to be THE fiend food for me after a good session at the beach...which I have been doing weekly now, for quite a few months . It is one of the greatest things...being out in the water and catching a sweet wave. Today was amazing. Something about that storm that we had caused the waves to be completely out of their normal sync. I boogie board at hueneme pier on wednesdays after work and it is usually just the casual south swell beach break. Today, the waves were from the south, but there was an extra current which almost seemed to be coming from the east...if you can imagine that. The beach at Hueneme is east-west (hence the sweet breaks with most south swells)...but...yeah. Anyhow, the combo of those two forms made the waves nice and random, but huge! I felt like I was in one of those surfing videos, the way the waves would just pop up out of nowhere and barrel like there was no tomorrow. I caught quite a few sweet rides...some of the best in my life. Mike and I had to celebrate with a nice round of all you can eat fish and chips from Andy's Seafood (the little joint at the pier). Anyhow...yeah...good afternoon today...back to the mines tomorrow ;)