poison

Seek Justice Strive to be better today than you were yesterday Dream beyond the possible to achieve the impossible Rise above the storms of today to see the blue skies ahead I may have had some bad mexican food today...my stomach is not feeling very nice at the moment. I realize that I like going to the same places to eat because I know what to expect there...I will even order the same thing once I find "the dish" that I like...over and over again. today kinda solidified the reasoning behind it for me...we went out to eat in santa barbara for lunch and dinner, spending somewhere close to $60 for the two meals. Nothing fancy but lunch was pretty bad and dinner was just ok. Seems like a huge waste of an opportunity to eat some great food. or maybe trying a new place is an opportunity to find a new favorite place. I guess I go with both lines of thought every now and again. today was not an awesome day to try new food. inspiring, right? but good food can inspire. if we have good food at each and every meal, that becomes our new mean...par...average and it takes something extraordinary to make a splash and actually hit our conscious radar. good food becomes the expectation. similar to our health. when we are doing fine, we take it for granted, dont even think about it...until we get food poisoning or the flu...then we just think/dream about those days when we werent sick. which brings me [mentally] back to life. when life is going well overall, we dont even bat an eye. we dont realize how good we have it...how much of a luxury it really is to walk out of our house (that we have equity in and are purchasing, in southern california, where we worry about which variety of palm makes the yard the most tropical), get into our newish hybrid (which connects automatically to our phone/mp3 player and continues playing our favorite music, gets great fuel efficiency and runs without fail 99.99% of the time) and roll down the hill (which boasts fantastic views of our town, the beach, the islands and surrounding mountains - all framed by palm trees) to a local cafe where we buy an over priced drink, sit in air conditioning and browse the web for more overpriced media on free wifi... then when we lose our job, or find out we have cancer, get in a car accident or something, we just want normal again. but that's not what you want. that's definitely not what i want. when we have "normal" we are bored. you simply arent built for normal. truthfully, we are physically built for something totally different than this life that we live...but I'm not going there right now. We are mentally built for something else. you see, we did not craft this idea of normal which we have completely bought into. someone else dreamed it up. the idea of the "american dream" is truly a construct and I think it's pretty darn self-absorbed and boring. I know there are people in the US who dont have many of the things that are outlined in the american dream manifesto...who struggle just to get by each and every day...but that's not the norm. lately people complain that "the 99%" have been ripped off...the media is telling is that there's this other 1% who control everything and use the rest of us to get what they want. there are definitely those out there who are doing just that...but the way it's pitched...it's messing with our minds. it's telling us that we have something coming...and that "they" stole it from us. it's just BS. the vast majority of americans have WAY more than they need. do you have a home? food on the table at night? dont have to worry about getting raped/mugged/robbed when you go to bed? worried more about which phone you're buying next than your retirement? yeah...i know the feeling. what i'm getting at is that the vast majority of US have plenty. dont buy the BS that you dont...because if you dont, it's probably your own fault. dont buy stuff on credit cards that you cant afford...it's just not a good habit to get in to. dont buy $5 caramel machiatos (which isnt even a real drink but whatev) every day then complain about how you can't afford your rent. scale your life to something less than your income and move forward. get over yourself and your entitlements...but it's actually not about you...this is about me. this whole thing is something I put together to help me work through my subconscious crap by putting it down on paper. ok... so we're not built to consume...especially if we're consuming more than we're producing. normal is someone else's construct so we need to consciously realize that and create our own definition of success. special note: king solomon had EVERYTHING...could do ANYTHING...and after trying out everything and exploring everything and all that with all the resources anyone could ever need, he realized that everything was for nothing...that nothing under the sun was new or would really last...it was all vanity. but whatever, he's dead (and you will be too, someday) we have dreams...or maybe we had dreams. i'm not talking about things that happen when you're sleeping...that's totally different. we have things we wanted to do with our life. we wanted to go on safari in africa or work at a national park...skydive naked or get frogs tattood on your feet...or maybe it was something bigger like building housing for the homeless or preventing disease in africa or maybe even working with prostitutes in the big city and helping them get an education so they can get out of a horrible line of work. whatever it was or is...that's your purpose. that's YOUR dream...embrace that...get it tattood on your forearm so you see it every day so you can remember it every day and overcome the BS of the world and this "american dream" that someone else dreamed up and sold you. so YOU can go out and live YOUR dream every day and get one step closer to becoming the person you were meant to you. believe it or not, you are the only version of you that this world gets to see...and I know that YOU (yes you) have something unique inside of you that you are probably terrified to embrace and bring into reality. dye your hair, shave it all off, move to istanbul, go to the gym...nobody else is going to do it for you so dust off your dreams open them up and get started. I'm counting on you to be the best you that you can be because you only get one shot at showing the world how amazing you are and I want to see it :)

flowing

not sure where to go with this today but feeling the need to flow for a bit. reading this post: http://inoveryourhead.net/19-thoughts-about-finding-your-purpose/ for some inspiration and while i dont agree with a lot of it, there are a few nuggets that spark for me. I really feel like i'm a pile of kindling at the moment...built up and arranged for...something. and i really dont even know why i feel like things are arranged...most everything around me feels blah and disorganized. I feel like i'm putting the minimum into most everything...and waiting. i may have a co-authored book in the works but I'm not sure if it's going to go anywhere but it would be interesting. i'm working on a trip to india which is probably about the only open ended thing i'm hopeful for at the moment. bored (which mostly translates to lazy, well off fat american) sensing so much inspiration in others...maybe its a sign to encourage and build up others vs focusing so much on me and my purpose successfully getting through life though...fwiw...a day at a time and it never does stop though i feel that i'll regret whatever it is i'm doing or not doing later. nothing seems to scratch my surface...like i'm looking, seeking, burning for something that matters to hit me feeling almost as if I have to do something or I'll just get something meaningful that's negative. it's probably just god kicking me in the head saying hey buddy...i'm right here. go read my word...i'm actually the one yelling at you that you keep refusing to listen to. why am i in such denial. dunno. and why india? i'm not sure. seems to be a place of "spiritual" renewal. so many places here are just dark. plenty of light in so cal...but so much BAD. so much HATE. so much selfish. meh. if I am to be the light, i must be filled with light and that is something that is not within me...that is something external that i can be filled with...but it takes filling. it does not originate from within me...God + Kyle = meaningful...no god =/= not meaningful in any lasting sense. so my motivation to DO something...God's direction, compass, light, love...fills it. so obvious i suppose but so difficult for stonehead kyle to see beyond self. "See Beyond Self" huh...neat. bored being anonymous here at starbucks...leaving to somewhere.

Don't Just Drive on Through!!

I was driving through McDonalds the other day – not my healthiest choice of the week, but whatever – and I was a bit bored. I personally don’t think it was in an ADD kinda way…maybe more that I realized that there wasn’t any advertising in the drive thru. On one hand, I’m sure McDonalds is like “He’s already ordered his food and I don’t really want him to get to the first window and change his order so I can’t really sell him anything while he’s waiting.” But I’m sitting there thinking ...they know exactly how long the average customer sits in line…from ordering to paying to picking up food…so they know exactly how much time they have to hit me with targeted advertising …they know exactly what I ordered...so they know what I like and what other food I might like for next time …they know how much food I ordered…so they can guesstimate how many people are probably in the car…so if I order 2 extra value meals and 2 happy meals with a side of dog biscuits…they know I’m probably in a mini van with some kids Basically, they have enough…maybe more than enough…info to target some advertising at me and meet 2 needs – they can entertain me, which give me value and for families, they can entertain the kids which is of immense value…and they can build their brands or the brands of their partners. Think about it…you’re at McDonalds and their drive through can hold 4 cars from the order area up to the window where you get your food. McDonalds knows that it takes them an average of 3 minutes to get your food ready. Break the drive through up into intentional slots for cars – put lines where you want each car to stop – and put 2 flatscreens at each spot – one on either side. Based on their profile of the customer, they can target content at you. For instance – that family that picked up tons of food – show them the trailer for the next Disney movie – you know, the one that has the toy in the happy meal they just bought…co branding. The trailer would play on the screen where they are sitting and increment as they drive forward…using either sensors or timers…or even easier, trigger it to play on the next screen when any order is fulfilled at the order fulfillment window. BAM. That’s easy to do…not super expensive…delivers value to the customers by entertaining them in otherwise unused time, provides value to McD’s partners by advertising and is a win for McD’s because they now have an edge over the competition because their drive through is fun…building their brand as well. It’s probably also cheaper for them to have people go through the drive thru vs come in to the store…so driving traffic through the more profitable drive thru is also a bonus. That’s interesting…and kind of obvious. I think it should be done…and it will make some news which is always good…but it’s not breakthrough. That’s something that any brand manager who has gone through a drive thru has probably realized/pitched. I want more…we are high tech…let’s do this. What if on each TV, there was a Kinect device which is basically a series of high tech web cams that can track body and eye movements to allow users to interact with the video content. Now customers can interact with the content…they can flip through different “applications” – movie trailers – upcoming happy meal toys – angry birds space (a quick round of asteroid smashing anyone?) – feedback (allow customers to record video feedback while in the drive thru “can’t wait to nom on the new doritos taco…aaahhh!!”) – social media (allow customers to take crazy pics that you can post directly to your facebook) etc etc… Then let customers create an account…so when THEY come through the drive through (maybe by registering the vehicle license plate #?) their favorite app comes right up…they are right back in the middle of level 5 of angry birds…they can post immediately to facebook. It’s like a frequent buyer program…but incentivized by social media and apps vs free cheeseburgerz. Mobile Apps would also complement this experience…then when a customer drives through the drive through, you can recognize them as a frequent customer based on the location services on their phone (a la Square Card Case) and say “Hey Kyle, do you want to order another #4 with extra large fries, super size diet coke and a brownie?” They can track loyalty points earned on the mobile app…”check in” at different locations (make it competitive!) register a gift card (like starbucks – btw…their card-on-the-iphone is brilliant!), post updates to social media, play embedded games etc. All of this could be piloted relatively inexpensively by installing a few monitors and associated hardware, developing a quick app or two and really exploring the potential social integration points that build the brand in a desired way. There are many ways this effort could be customized to meet a brand’s specific needs by digging in with probing questions such as… “are we trying to advertise our brand directly in the drive thru?” “are we trying to make McD’s a fun experience and thus increase the frequency of visits by leveraging social?” “are we trying to build our partner’s brands by advertising for them (movies, cartoons, etc)?” “is this a part of a larger rebranding effort for our chain?” “are we trying to shift volume from in-store to drive thru?” etc etc…

Go Fly a Plane

I was on the way back home after completing my California Motorcycle Safety Basic Rider Course which included the test for my license (I passed!) and I saw several planes flying overhead...presumably on their way to the Camarillo Airport when it hit me (no, not the plane)...that guy/gal flying that plane probably wasn't born knowing how to fly a plane. They learned how to fly it. One day...they said "I want to fly planes" and took steps to make it happen. Sounds basic but it really applies to anything in life. Do you enjoy watching people race cars on TV and think it would be a blast? Go learn how and do it. I'm not saying that you should just drive fast on the freeway and call it a day. I'm saying get off your duff and go be a racer. Maybe you like watching hunting or really get pumped reading about the latest team to win the national paintball league tourney...you can do it! yes you. yes, in this life. Nobody was born knowing how to do much of anything more than how to suck on their mom to get some milk and maybe a few other things. But they sure as heck didn't pop out knowing how to SCUBA dive, I can assure you of that. Just a few minutes ago, I finished reading "Into Thin Air" by John Krakauer which details a tragic Everest Expedition where 5 lives were lost. I realized several years ago that Summits of mountains + my fear of heights = not a fun experience as proved on a Mt Whitney attempt and a Full Day Half Dome hike. I pressed my limits and found that it was just not pleasurable nor did it provide for meaningful personal growth...it's just not my bag and I'm ok with that BUT! Everest and the details of the adventure...where John dug into the minutiae of why people take on the mountain was relevant. I found it interesting to read about how some men save up somewhere around $70k to pay for a spot on a guided trip, then head out there for somewhere around 2 months to take on the beast of a mountain that is Everest. It's a bit nutty. you can die. 1 out of 7 died in '96 which was below average compared to other years. It's not logical...but people do it. I guess what stuck...the lesson that I want to walk away with from the plane flying overhead and this book is that if you want to do something - anything on this earth...just set your mind to it then take actionable steps towards it and keep on doing that and you'll eventually get there. The converse is also true - that if you dont take actionable steps towards your goals...you wont get there. there isnt a magic elevator or even an escalator around the corner that will take you there if you somehow dont do it on your own (how un-american, right?)...you actually have to take steps towards your goals to get there. But I challenge you (and me) to remember your dreams first. Dig up those things you thought you could never do - the "I want to be an astronaut" or the "I want to SCUBA dive the great barrier reef" or maybe the "I want to hitchhike across Europe"...the things you thought you had to grow out of - dust that shit off...then pick one and start taking steps towards it. Start walking towards it...for we must walk before we run and God built you to dream big :D

Stay passionate. Stay focused. (Stay foolish)

Such catchy words...so easy to say. What's crazy about life is that it's so easy to just live life. In the great Amurica, it oftentimes feels as though we are alive and living with the sole purpose of getting through life. Like it's one big race and we are all trying to pile on as much "stuff" - whether it be experiences, money, gadgets or otherwise - and just run. Ok, so stop and smell the roses, right? NO. I vehemently disagree.

I personally believe that we are all here for a reason. We go through the thing that we do which help to make us the people that we are for a reason. A purpose-built tool. But we are more than tools in that tools just sit on the tool board or in the tool box until someone else pulls them out. We have identity. We are here to live lives of intention...to make a conscious decision to stay passionate...stay focused...and especially to stay foolish. Those things don't happen by accident. Passion...to me, this is when I'm "playing" and I'm not talking about video games or soccer. I read an article the other day that defined play -

Play is a state of mind. I've heard it described as a visceral form of learning. It really doesn't matter what the activity is, it's the way you approach the activity that makes it play.

Yeah...that's play. That's living a life of passion. It's foreign to us. I often use the word play when talking about work scenarios. Earlier today, I talked about how a 20% contingency budget for a project I'm working on is "money for the project team to play with". I'm misunderstood but I'm ok with that. In fact, I think it actually trips me up when people understand what I'm saying the first time. Passion is being who you are and seeking to find the place in the world/web/whatever where YOU fit. Where you plug in. That's one of the great things about "the valley" to me. It's filled with tons of kids who took something they were passionate about and made it a reality. It started with the apps/sites/tools/devices and carried on all the way through the way they built their teams - "dude, I'm totally going to hire you when I make a million on this!" - to the way they design their offices and on and on.

Living a life of passion is when we don't accept compromise. Staying relentlessly focused on finding the best fit for you in this world means that you may actually get there. It's a tough haul but better than the alternative of accepting what the world has to offer and just grinding it out. Focused...obvious...but not in the traditional sense. When I think focused, I think about drive...about someone who can sort through the BS in this world and find the nuggets that reflect the reality that "should" be. Reading through news articles to find things of worth...sifting through people and finding people who are genuine and truly worth investing in.

I have a hard time investing time in people who I dont really like. Maybe it's just that I only truly "like" a handful of people in this world...but I'm picky. I dont call many people friends...I'm socially awkward and I'm ok with that.

It goes beyond just a filter though. Focus is to stay sighted in on that ever elusive ideal state and continually seeking to refine it as more data is added to your filter. What? Yeah, so imagine that at age 5, you wanted to be an astronaut. Who didnt, right? As you went to school, you learned that you really weren't so hot at that math thing which as it turns out is pretty darn important for astronauts. So you refine your goal - you want to be a pilot. Still flying up in the air...still need to know math...but more your speed. That works for you until you get into college...when you realize that you are actually more interested in running a skydiving school and flying those planes. So the cone of uncertainty narrows as you continue to refine your goal...staying focused not on "getting a job" or "making lots of money"...but on relentlessly pursuing and focusing on what you are passionate about.

Filter through the junk in life...and in the world to find what you want. To find out where you fit. Foolish...my favorite. Foolish is that element of you that I have trouble putting my finger on. Foolish is doing that thing that you feel is right even though everyone else thinks it's crazy. You have something unique inside that only you can see. You dream things that dont make sense to everyone. Which is where this gets difficult. If it only makes sense to you, it's not going to be popular. Not everyone is going to like it. They may even hate it and laugh at you for spending so much time/money/effort doing it. I have always wanted to fiberglass body panels for a car as a project and just create something from scratch. I have an artistic side that I dont frequently tap but I want to. This urge doesnt make sense to the mere mortals that walk this earth...just to me. I dont have a goal of starting a company creating custom body panels or fixing cars or even making something that I'll eventually be able to drive down the street. This urge doesnt make sense in most ways...but I have decided that it truly is something I'm passionate about so I'm going to do it. Baby steps...starting to research resins and fabrics...trying to reconcile those things with my experiments with fiberglassing in the past...and just doing it. Foolish is being true to yourself in the face of the world laughing. I step back and give the world a big F-U and remind myself that I'm not doing this for them...I'm doing it because this is what I truly feel I'm built for. Why I'm built this way? I'll have to save that for another rant on life...

Anti

One of my online gamer names is antiflash. it started out on thanksgiving one year when I was learning to play counterstrike and kept getting flash 'naded. it bugged me to i changed my name to antiflash...yada yada.

I have always considered myself to be an optimistic realist...trying to put a positive spin on the reality of how things are but the more i think about ME and how I really work...i almost come away feeling like quite an introverted antisocial pessimist. i do not really enjoy being around people...maybe its just being in groups of people where there arent any people that i know really well that's tough. i think i'm fine if i have a few people that i can gravitate towards and talk to...which is what i always do at church...but if i dont have those key people, i really tend to just float around. i depend on others to meet new people through. i'm really bad about returning phone calls, texts, emails, facebook messages, whatever. so much of the time i really just want to hide in a corner of a room void of other people and be left alone. i dont feel like i know how to (or maybe i dont care to) hold a normal conversation. yeah, i can talk about the weather...this that and the other...but that's really just following a framework. and even when i do that, i'll be so nervous that i wont remember names of new people, where they work and all that jazz which makes the next time even worse. i dont know if i want to work on it...but i know its there. i dont know if i want to be a more social person.

so anti...antisocial...i know how important community is because i can imagine what it could be if done 'right'. but again, at least for now, i really dont want to spend the time and effort to really get to know people. i dont know why. maybe its because i'm so selfish...and time spent talking with and learning about others is an investment in something i dont deem important? i really have no idea...just that its just not my thing. maybe i'm just picky and i only want to talk with like minded...or similarly closed minded people. whatever...just another awkward social interaction further degrading my self confidence and all that. whiny whiny. i dont know why this thought justifies a post...but i want to let it out. i want to put this crap on 'paper' to help me proces it. to see it and to see what it looks like.

more than this i suppose...i want to find my spot in life...where i feel like i'm actually doing what i was built for. an idea which goes beyond christianity...i'm not saying that i was built specifically to fit into the world in a certain way in a predestination kinda way...but more that i enjoy doing certain things and am good at certain things and it seems kinda obvious to me now that it is very likely that theres a job out there that 'fits' me...that i would love to do and that i would be really good at. screw the money. i just want to do shit that interests me and that i would love to do every day. another whiny topic i suppose. some people in the world worry about what they're going to eat today and are in fact, as i am typing this...starving. someone probably starved to death while i wrote this. on my expensive computer...etc.

i think i could tangent around for hours...but thats not why i'm here. bored at work. bored in marriage. bored at church. not really doing anything with my life. if i had 2 months off, i would likely spend 12hrs per day or more playing video games... so i naturally gravitate towards lazy.

i'm tired...going to bed...on the couch...again.

reTIREment

Yeah, I know I'm still a pup...ok, maybe not a pup but at least still what some people call young. But I'm sitting here at a coffee shop in Hueneme watching this group of what look to be retired people sitting around drinking coffee...taking care of their dogs, probably getting ready to go for a walk before heading home in time for their favorite soap opera

...and I'm thinking to myself...I dont want to be that kind of retired.

I don't want a job that tires me out and makes me WANT to be retired.

I don't want a job that feels like a job...

I am going to work towards keeping a job that's exciting...that you wouldnt have to pay me to do...but more importantly, a job that makes a difference. I dont want to be the next trump, jobs, gates, zuckerberg, roosevelt, kennedy, churchill...I am going to be another harper, bridges, gibbons, wilmoth...not satisfied with just getting by or having buildings put up with my name on it (after all, there's already a stadium named after me in Texas...) or anything that will fade. I'm not going spend my time developing the next big Theorem, designing a new stealth fighter, fusion technology or long-life tire (though those things are all very cool) - I'm going to do things that make a difference - feeding the hungry, housing those in need, taking care of those who can't care for themselves, striving to spread the love of God in THIS world...NOW...every day through my actions AND my words...through my LIFE.

You may call me idealistic (or a dreamer, lol)...but I call me a realist, grounded in the power of God...living in this world (the same world that you live in).

imperfections (ported from myspace)

life is so obviously imperfect. it's too obvious to be coincidence. i think i was pondering my relationship earlier today and it really made me wonder. i'm kind of retarded at times. i often marvel at how retarded i can be in this relationship. just the ridiculous "small" arguments that linger on through the day...they blow my mind. it is so difficult for me (both of us) to let go of the small stuff. i wish it was easier, this life thing...but at the same time, i don't. if life were easier (let's just call it "perfect"), we wouldn't have anything to look fwd to. what would be the point in heaven (other than the ol' eternal life thing) if earth was perfect. each of us has our own custom reality that has it's own imperfections.

if i had been born into a different country - i'm going to use thailand because i have at least a little bit of experience with that country - i'm betting that i would still struggle with various imperfections in life and i would still find life just "reasonably satisfying". actually, i was tempted for quite awhile to ditch out on this stress filled, overly complicated, let me check my calendar (oh wait, i only use it for work), life that is my existence here for the much less complicated, much simpler life that is life on an island in the Andaman sea.

it's crazy. there is this huge balance between living a good christian life and living in america. i'm not so sure that it's a balance...i tend to put everything in context of "struggles". i struggle with things. it's my internal checks and balances. it feels like this life just pulls in the wrong direction when it comes to so many key issues. sex - my body ALWAYS tells me the wrong thing. my head tells me the wrong thing slightly less than half of time time...it's only when i force myself to change my perspective that i do the right thing. and society? "pop culture" yeah...that's pretty much just another big anchor tied to my foot pulling me down.

imperfections, yes. so we are here on this earth to realize this, to step back and take a deep breath...to exclaim "wow, this really is jacked up" and to seek out the truth that is so ingrained in these exact imperfections...we see evidence of the perfection that God promises us when we look at the earth...at the sunsets and amazing cloud formations that we are graced with ever too infrequently (in so cal). looking at anything from a macro level...it might just seem perfect. look at a mountain range. from a helicopter, flying over, the range is sooo impressive. the lake looks too blue to be real...everything looks like a painting. zoom in a bit...the mountains are nothing but rocks...dry and lifeless...heaps of them. there is nothing to substantiate the earlier perception of perfection. the lake. it is nothing more than near-freezing water...run off from a glacier up the way. not to go too far into the analogy...the concept behind is solid.

imperfections. so here we are with this world. what to do. we struggle with anything that we might consciously know to be good. there are always barriers to be knocked down, TV stations not to watch...but is that to be our focus? it seems that constant struggles are just the result of giving in, of being pulled down. why spend life focused on the struggles when it could just as easily be spent on lovin others. i'm not sure that it's really that easy. if we don't stop to analyze and drill into the issues that impact us, we will not be able to firm up enough to be the solid foundation that is required when building anything substantial. i would not build my house on sand (yada yada) so why would i expect God to want to build his house (the Church) on people that are not grounded and have a well earned, educated faith in Him. (quick mental parallel to a retirement planner) what to do what to do. constantly seek the balance between building the foundation and reaching out. spend time investing in solid personal growth while also making the effort to reach out to others and plant seeds.

hmm. so how and when to build and such...i am getting tired...this is going to have to marinate more...after more rest, that is.

cooking

my new boss is from Phoenix where temps are in the 100s right now. it got me thinking about how little we use the power of the sun and if anything, we spend tons of money and CO2 emissions to cool down our places and offset the heat and light of the sun. anyhow...he said "it's so hot out, you could fry an egg...for real" and i was thinking...why not do that? maybe not an egg, but the idea i had was a slow cooker. something that you could drop some beef, water, veggies etc into on your way into work and when you came out to your car to head home, you'd have a nice stew waiting for you, all cooked up and stuff. i know solar ovens arent exactly news as they've been around awhile but nobody has done this yet. it would be pretty simple...just use some time-temperature-pressure physics to figure out what the ideal combo is to keep the would-be stew at the right temp, then put in a relief valve that would let off anything above that. it could be a simple "physical" solution vs anything extra fancy like a self regulating, solar powered micro computer (though that would be amazing and totally feasible as well...)

so much junk in my head right now...i think i realized this week that i really dont normally run out of juice physically (though i'm definitely not in shape)...but it's more of a mental game for me. i think my mind runs at a faster pace than my body (maybe i should be more physically active?) and as a result, i end up with lots of time where i just need to veg out because my mind is tired but my body's really not. hmm...maybe that explains the COD thing.

i'm really excited about what's going on in life...just not a fan of how the stress impacts those around me. just started a new role at work 7/1...with a new boss...probably getting another new role in the next 3 months or so...with another new boss...and maybe moving to a new P&G location...maybe MOVING...maybe selling and buying houses...hmmm yeah, that's some stuff. oh...and maybe working on a sibling for asher. i'm really not stressed about it...it's kinda weird (NOT COMPLAINING)... i guess i'm excited about my job and that there are tons of opportunities in it that i'm excited and passionate about. not so stoked on some of the more mundane things in life...but that's life.

we have some vacation coming up which should be great to get away and really have some time off work...not bringing the work laptop...just the phone and MY fun laptop :) having lots of fun with linux lately too...conky is good stuff...

not super excited about the new iphone 4 tho :( underwhelming? iOS hasnt changed that much since 1.oh...missing android a bit. maybe i can get an android tablet or netbook thingy to fill that gap. i'm definitely going to miss tweaking on my mobile devices but it's a fair trade :)

ideas...speaking...trucks?

so i haven't been speaking at church as much lately and it's helped me to realize a little bit more about how my strange mind works. When i'm writing talks a lot, that acts as a purge of brain stuff...which i had really only done through blogs on myspace before. what sucks i guess is that when i'm writing talks, it's not so much that i have a topic to write on, but that i have to shape my thoughts into something meaningful and maybe even something for a specific topic. it kinda stunts my mental creativity in a way. obviously it's not a bad thing, i just need to figure out how to work with it. perhaps i'll blog more about whatever's on my mind and in a different vein of my mind, try to write talks. dunno. that doesnt make sense to me as my creativity is more of a "flow". anyways...food for thought.

on the way home today, i was thinking about how normal pickup trucks like F150s or Rams tow boats or anything substantial. typically when i see them towing something, the rear end is angled down due to the weight of the load with the load angled forward. it seems like if the tow hitch were shifted forward...similar to the ones that sit in the base of the truck...it would keep both the tow load and the truck more balanced. To step it up a notch, a system should be developed that sits either in the bed of the truck or somehow integrated into the body of the truck that would auto balance the load to ensure the correct balance between the front wheels, rear wheels and trailer wheels. I'm sure someone smarter than me has already done the math...just figured that since this hadn't been done, this particular innovation should be taken into consideration.

scrobble

If I died today, and had just a moment to reflect beforehand, i would not be upset that i did not travel to italy...or visit china...or own the iphone 5. I would not be sad that i didnt have a house on the beach or ever get to drive a lamborghini. I would not be thinking about all of the tech gadgets that i didnt get to try...because that wont matter. I would be bummed that i wont get to spend more time with my family and then, in all likelyhood, be upset and feel like a big failure because i wasn't more bold about my faith in my daily life. I'll think about all of the missed opportunities that I had to share my faith where I chose to take the easy route and keep quiet. I'll likely think about the things I "could have done" to do something that truly lasts. The greatest empires that have ever existed did not last. The US will not always be the world superpower (ask the Romans or Alexander the Great or any of the other great superpowers of ages gone past... Bottom line, the greatest things of this earth will fade, will rust, will blow away and be forgotten. The Grand Canyon is young...only 5 MILLION YEARS old...and we talk about human history in terms of thousands of years. Think about that. Then think about eternity. Then think about what you're going to do with your day today. Have a great day at work :)

werds (repost from myspace)

Current mood: awake

really dont know sometimes...my mind just flies...i wish i had some sort of control of the throttle...but i know it's really not just me...it's more a matter of where the thoughts are coming from...sometimes, God fills my head...it's just full, loud and flowing...most of the time, it's jumbled words...but i rarely have energy or at least, i rarely allocate energy towards random thought. tired much of the time...regardless of the quantity of sleep...just tired. "tired becomes me" :P

i am so selfish with my spare time when i start feeling overwhelmed with life. it's funny and sad at the same time...i try to fit too much into my life which is something i have never done in the past. i suppose it's good that my life is actually somewhati full. it's really just an opportunity for me to be stretched and to adjust outwardly to something larger than my current container that is the scope of my life. i like that when i stretch, my capacity grows. as i learn, my ability to DO increases...though most of my learning is at work now which realistically means that i'm probably not doing as much learning outside of work...which is probably subconsciously depressing. i'm getting tired just thinking about it. truth be told, i have been tired off and on most of the day...most days...lol. hair is getting longish. might cut it, might not.

rob bell is great, but i'm too tired to think in his direction. his mind flies...i like that he takes us along for the ride...a little too pessemistic...but who isnt a little too..."something"...at times, right? i'm a little too grouchy when tired...a little too lazy...a little too human. i get mad when i feel myself blaming my actions on being human. there comes a point where i'm like "hey, wait...i AM human!" generally upset when people blame someone else for something that they obviously own..."poor me". bla bla bla for the most part. it kills me that the illegit overshadow the legit for the most part. i guess that goes back to the "the first will be last and the last will be first"..."the squeaky wheel will be moved to the back of the line"...haha.

it would be interesting to do a sleep deprivation test (not on me...i like sleep too much for that)...humans are so interesting without sleep. i have heard that we can suffer from dilusions when sleep deprived. makes no sense, but hey, i guess i believe it.

too tired...typing with my eyes closed...i think i shouold go to bed...g'nite

poop in a bag (repost from myspace)

sometimes life feels just like that...like we were promised something fun and great (a knock at the door) and we end up with stinky shoes and a mess on the porch (poo). maybe it's just me. it sucks, no doubt about it. i have been going through some odd stress in personal life (private), work life (two job transitions, stressful negotiations, lame coworkers), holidays (normal, retarded stress - quick tangent: if they are supposed to be about family and CHRIST (mas), why do they suck so much for the 3 weeks beforehand? (WTP?)) and the added bonus of exploring the possibility of buying a 2nd house. i'm not one who typically lets stress get in and really exist in life. i do know that i have intermitten stresses, here and there...mostly related to work...with a project deadline or something silly...but work to me is not CORE...it's just an add on to life. it is not anywhere near the foundation of who i am...it does not contain anything that could truly impact ME...just something that serves as a source of revenue and a place to meet people (good people...all the stinkers can stay home, please). dunno. i'm different. i know that. i think there is something on top of that as well...we have this economy mess. i think we are just cresting...just entering 1 of 2 places: either the beginning of a steep, bad bad bad downward spiral or possibly just starting to see the true magnitude of the problem (and the worst of it) from which we will have to pick up the pieces and move on. what worries me is that so many people are so negative. that negativity pervades our society these days. people are so stuck on (no, we can't change and do it another way) that we went with obama (yeah, i voted for him) just because he was spouting this speech of the past "yes, we can". seriously. think about that. it's a testament as to how sad we are...how in the dumps america is. thats not why i voted for him, but i do see that as one of the key underlying connections that he made with MOST americans.

i for one...well...i refuse to fall into that negativity and "can't do" attitude. i refuse to fall in to the pit that is america and that is this world...that is this earth. i refuse. i have something more than that. God has given me more than that inside me and he has given me more than that in the hope and the promise in Jesus. i dont have time to be brought down. a good example today actually. i bought a new bike a few weeks ago...and i was riding over to a friends house today from church...just because. anyways, i havent spent a lot of time on the bike in quite some time so i'm balls to the wall without the technical right to actually be riding as crazy as i do. so i'm zooming along...and a car pulls out too far on the corner for me to make it up the handycap ramp...so i try to jump the curb. i made it up...but lost control for a bit...and slammed pretty hard into a sign post. mostly just hit my fore arm and upper arm...but it was a solid blow. as i'm recovering and getting back on to ride, i hear someone laughing behind me. weird, i thought, and rode on. i made it a little farther down the road and the car with the "laugher" ends up stopped next to me at a red light. there are 4 inside, with the two (guys) in the back laughing at my near-disasterous crash. something about how much i sucked or something. i was confused...like "i nearly just died or ate $h!+...and you're laughing?...really?" i didnt really have time to think through it at the time...but as i rode on...i was just blown away. thoughts such as "what a jack@$$...REALLY?...wow, people suck" passed through my mind...dang. i didnt really understand.

i stopped for food...filled my tired to their recommended pressures at the gas station...and just had that stuff running through my head. after awhile, i calmed down...the adrenaline from the near disaster experience flushed out of my system...and i finally settled on my conclusion regarding the kid's (probably 16yrs old) reaction: i think it sucks that it is ok...accepted or even allowed that people react like that. if that was my kid, i would have kicked him out of the car and made him walk home to show him that that kind of a reaction is not ok...but it goes further. i think it really struck a chord within me...just how negative and evil some people are in our society. with all of the raw, exposed, bloody, sexual content on the web and TV, our filters are gone. we watch shows like seconds from disaster...and hit up sites like TMZ and E! to get the latest failures in hollywood royalty...we see every mistake, large and small of anyone that we want...barack obama, john mccain cussing out a lady in the senate...britney not wearing all her clothes or possibly even her shaving her head and going through a mental breakdown...and we are trained to be interested and not to care...but to laugh and be entertained (from gladiator "are you not entertained?!")...we (christians) need to break that cycle. we are not of this world...we are called to be different...to be outcasts...persecuted for our beliefs...made fun of and spat on...possibly even killed...

i still dont know how i could have reacted differently in that moment to have made an impact on that kid. every response that i can muster (at least today) is doused in negativity, dripping with sarcasm and hate...hmm...not that i'm mad...i just dont know how to say something that shows that thats not cool and that god loves him.

werd.

dave matthews on the brain (repost from myspace blog)

nothing specific...more of a general reflection on the band and the ideas they frequently broach...just thoughts being thrown out into the world for everyone to see...baring the soul and opening up the mind just "because"...thoughts are so deep...so intense...but it's only when one attempts to open that window and to share those thoughts that we really get to experience life...where we get to know someone and let someone else get to know us. Dave Matthews really hits me not because the band's music sheds new light on God...or puts any sort of new perspective on life but because it just feels...sounds...so real. its music that i can relate to...it's music that i can see clearly as someone else's attempt to open up in a way that I can relate to.

walking out of work as many times as i do, i reflect on the flowers that line the pathway. looking far ahead, they look so perfect. just rows and rows of perfect flowers on perfect flower plants...this to me is beauty. it's the beauty of this earth...I say that because when I look to the side...considering plucking one for my favorite flower recipient, I notice very quickly that they all have imperfections. they are living, dynamic, tangible, things...they are impacted by their environment and can easily look perfect if just given a quick glance.

we must dig deeper.

life can be way too easy. it is WAY too easy to just get through life. i'm not saying that life is easy here...just that if you really think about it and just ride the surface of the vast majority of situations in life, you can get by unscathed. you can go to work, give a very surface, non-interactive review of your weekend on Monday when co-workers ask...skip out at lunch and eat by yourself....participate in meetings and bury yourself in "work"...and really, you can just skip through life without getting too down.

this is not ideal for several reasons. it's easy to say that we would not be "living life to the fullest" or perhaps that we would be simply being selfish...but the reality is that on a personal level...on a core human level, we are not satisfied by these surface interactions. as humans...faulty, broken humans, we are, at a very fundamental level missing something...missing that deep, spiritual connection with God. we try to mimic this missing relationship by crafting relationships with humans...seeking to fill the hole in our beings...we crave a deep connection with humans...

what's odd about this...assuming we pursue this road and build up genuine relationships...opening our hearts to others and letting them open up to us (what I would call "investing in others")...and say we even go a step further and build a community of friends, family and others that we are invested in...theoretically allowing and encouraging greater connection with others...we will still not be satisfied with what we have. we can live the most fulfilled life possible on earth with all things of this world and we will still have a huge gaping hole in us...in our lives...right?

i have heard many stories of the "unfulfilled millionaire"...the guy who has everything that is listed in the "american dream"...the money, job, cars, baywatch wife, friends with everyone...whatever you want to put on your list...and who is still terribly depressed. what's different for us is that we do not have all of those things that are a part of that dream. some of us have lots of friends, some of us have more money, some are happily married...but not many of us have "it all"...all the things this world list out under the webster's definition of success. maybe i'm alone in my thinking, but I dont really want those things. sure, i like having money to buy toys and whatever...but every good thing that we are given is really just another thing that god has gifted to us (as a guy from work likes to call it)...something he has entrusted us with to glorify Him.

we are here on earth to glorify God...we will never be fulfilled as long as we are alive on this earth in our current states. that is just not meant to be. our bodies are faulty, our minds are faulty...everything around us is faulty...this world is faulty.

if we could achieve perfection here on this earth as humans, would heaven be attractive? if perfection can be achieved here...we would be able to experience that....be able to experience life to the fullest...after all, perfection is just that...perfect....lacking nothing...the absolute state of yay/woohoo/joy/happiness/love/etc etc. (quick aside...just reflecting on that makes me excited, knowing that i cannot/have not experienced all that God has in store for me)...ahhh...

just some thoughts...going to bed now seeing as how it's past 130am here on the east coast...

me.(us).now (ported from myspace)

so today finds us on the north shore of oahu...just hanging out. here's google's version of our locale...pretty sweet diggs if you ask me :) we're not where the (F) is...we're in the hotel overlooking the pool and "turtle bay" ;)

pseudo-political commentary (ported from myspace blog)

regarding this article: http://money.cnn.com/2008/05/29/news/companies/dunkin_donuts.ap/index.htm

i'm not typically politically vocal...i won't talk about things that are political as a general rule. there is too much "media" involved in that whole scene...things are "spun" and slanted or interpreted...they lose their true meaning in politics...it is terribly difficult to determine the true platform without reading what they hand out in their "platform papers"...or official documents that are sent out, detailing where they stand on this or that issue.

retrospectively, this isnt truely a political commentary so much as a general commentary on the media putting their take on things and impacting the way we live our lives or perceive the world around us. personally, i think that the bush administration and the US media have instilled such a fear of people that are different in us that it is hard to just live life anymore. we are afraid of black people...because they might be in a gang...we are afraid of people with tattoos because they are probably in the hells angels...or junkies...we are afraid of people who wear "middle eastern garb" because more than likely, they are hiding a home made bomb (IED...improvised explosive device) underneath...and in this case, we are afraid of people who wear clothes that over 1 billion people wear daily (a white scarf with black print on it). this is such a joke...and it is yet another ridiculous example of people who speak up...just to make a splash in the media...to stir the pot just a little bit more (the lame blogger that commented on the dunkin donuts ad) and that continue to instill more fear in americans of people that are "different".

I for one...am different. things like this make me want to dress up in "terrorist garb" (wear a scarf) or whatever and force people to see things differently. i am sick and tired of the media holding power over us, telling us what we should think when we see someone wearing this or that or having this or that tattoo on their bodies. people FEAR way too much and LOVE way too little. all of this is so counter to what i believe...it makes me sick that a huge, diverse company such as dunkin donuts cowers to some lame blogger commenting on a piece of clothing. LAME...WEAK...this is not the america that i want to be attached to. i am ashamed to be called an american if this blogger and this company act this way and are tolerated.

ugh...disgusting.

quit folding...start (un) (ported from myspace blog)

not sure...just thoughts. its as though when life is "balanced", my brain is not full...but when I am engaged in what life is doing...what is going on...participating and stretching myself...then my head fills. but it is a different kind of full. I still need breaks in life...still need to decompress...but compared to my head being full of "golly i'm bored with life and i wish i had a direction to run in"...it's sweet. i do things that i enjoy doing and that i'm good at. it's insane to me how obvious God's plans are now that they are unfolding...but how confused and almost resistant to this direction I was when i could not see the direction...makes me feel dumb that I didnt recognize it earlier but also proud that I have been entrusted with such gifts. GOD IS SO AMAZING :) I'm constantly in awe of this puzzle that is my life...fitting one piece together at a time. I'm not saying that i really think that i'll ever have all the pieces in place...at least not while i'm on this earth...but it is fun to see it unfolding in front of me...in me...in my head...my little head. anyways...i'm not really sure...what was what...but that was it

:) Smiles from kyle :)

(_to self_)

real:(thoughts)

change...is so relative

change is based on perspective

if I didnt change my socks would you notice?

if I changed my mind, would you care?

if I asked you to change the color of your hair, would you?

if I asked you to move to ohio would you?

if God asked you to start a church in north carolina, would you listen?

how close are you to me?

how well do you know me?

how close are you to God?

how well do you know God (and his voice)?

do you listen?

change

are you willing to change?

do you yearn for change?

does change scare you or excite you?

(do i have any change in my pockets?)

i dont know how to change

change is so foreign...so different (very insightful)

if I change, do you have to as well?

who am I to ask anyone to change?

how much (change) is too much?

(which underwear do i have on today?)

why do I feel that God is asking me to change?

how much is God asking me to change? (not that i care)

what am I gaining by changing? (my underwear)

it is not what i gain, but what I gain for God

change

is inevitable...fun...dynamic...good...difficult...necessary..._(become more christ-like)_...

hmm...

purge_overflow (ported from myspace)

tired is overused...i need a new word to describe where i am...how i am...it's more of a mental/emotional exhaustion than anything...i think that on the mental half...i'm generally fine...but when i have to think (apply logic or whatever) to emotional situations...it's almost like the two just conflict and decide to congeal in my head and not leave. so i'm suck with this...overfull feeling...this spent, TIRED feeling for most of the day...i wish i was wired like a computer...i could just jump to the command line, drop a single command and know what was going on in my head...but i'm retarded...unable to process and decipher what's going on up there...how ridiculous is that. try rebooting? yeah...works until i wake up lol.

what to do...this whole thing is quite the kerfluffle...it's as though a coin were flipped...but its just temporary...cards are played...hands are revealed...but there is no certainty in the outcome...it is not clean like poker, with a set formula with a certain outcome for each...it is all just words...words are so temporary...so fleeting...once said, they do not firm up to be taken with...they are gone...vapor...but at the same time, they are so permanent. the word goodbye...hello...hate...love...trust...WOW...i am blown away by the dichotomy that is wrapped up in words...they mean so much, yet can mean so little. life changing (3 words)...life ending (1 word)...

purge! get out of my head! LoL...i have so many things that are so much more important to think about...so many things that are new, exciting, limitless...oh well...ten paciencia (be patient)...i have been through this lesson so many times...but life never fails to catch up and push me to my limits...but! reflecting on the numerous times that God has proven to be faithful...(and he loves to say "wait")...yeah, it's all good...but this waiting...and this..."marination" time...kills me...but it's good for me...

growth is odd...to grow physically, we know that we can experience pain in lifting weights or running (yuck)...and see direct results...bigger arms...stronger legs... but whats deceptive is that this mental/emotional/spiritual struggle...the results aren't as tangible...of course they are there...but they just aren't as immediately apparent. God is amazing...he provides all the time...answers are yes/maybe/no...sometimes we have to learn "the hard way"...sometimes he delivers us from the situation that we are in...it's awesome.

i wouldnt even be in the whole high school group if i wouldnt have signed up to help at the women's christmas tea thing...and i love it...it is such a great fit...every week, i find out new things about myself...new things that God has been building in me from long ago...that are just now being put to use for the good of the Kingdom...all this time, i had been praying for direction...for signs showing where God wants me to go..."please show me your plan for my life" day in and day out...and now, here i am...with a path. the funniest part is that now that i'm on "the path"...i'm all excited about "what's next"...it truly feels as though the possibilities are limitless...and that's amazing/exciting/scary/frickin cool...

anyways...now, i=physically_tired so me=take_break...

hmmmmmm

sleepy blogs can be the best or the worst...best because it's raw, nearly unshielded thoughts...and worst....well...yeah. hmmmm....so i'm tired...i'm sleeping on the couch (not RIGHT now...)...i'm getting a lot done without getting much done...i feel like the guy in the jamiroquai video...what's that song...something without moving...but yeah. i feel like i'm running a race with no start, no end and no real directions...just floundering...almost falling...bouncing off whatever hits me...or being pushed into one direction or the other...but that's kinda what God wants...it's HIS plan (not mine)....he's the one who has plans for me...(good plans, in fact)...plans to take me places and have great (and not so great) things for me to accomplish and to go through...life is amazing like that. its so hard to let go of the reins and hand them over to God in a world that shouts at us that we are in charge and that we are "masters of our own destinies!"...yada yada...i think i'm just about done with the things of this world in that it inevitably turns into nothing...(for the most part)...work to make money to buy stuff...yeah...i've been through all that..it's not just that...but that is more of a trend...an underlying philosophy that governs most of the things of this world...work hard in this world to get more crap from this world (that we can't take with us (and why would you want to when you're going to heaven?))

...SLEEP!...

and things just keep going...so much...time wasted bah...i'm done wasting time here...for now.