Thursday, January 27, 2005

general confusion (ported from myspace)

Now...I know I'm a smart guy. What the hell. I guess this ties with what I wrote in my last blog...Again I am not hanging out with my woman. Last night, I hung out with my buddy mike with the talk that I would hang with the lady afterwards. I called her as soon as I was done hangin with mike answer. a frustrated night of unanswered phone calls...I finally fell asleep. I found out in the morning that she had left her cell phone in the car and that she had also gone to bed early in order to get enough sleep to awake at 4:15 and go in to work early. ok...fine and good. one big deal. So I'm all excited about hanging out tonight (one day is a long time for us to NOT hang out)...and i remember that tonight is family my house. So I call her up and let her know what the new plans are...and I find that she doesnt want to hang out...she's tired and family night usually runs late and suprise. Here's what I trip on...I always get upset about stuff like this. I mean...I understand that I want to hang out with her...and whatever. I know I'm in a hungry mood (kyle = impatient prick when hungry/tired/in traffic)...but dang...why am I such a punk. I hate when I'm in those kinda moods. especially when I have to apologize afterwards. Its like I'm not myself for a time. I really dislike that about myself (is it ok to not like a part of me?...i suppose it's ok as long as I work to change that part, yeah?). i wonder what the heck gets me all riled up so quickly. internal phsychologist program is not able to analyze myself today...any takers? Hit me up with the most in your face comments...I need help! haha...not that I'm about to self destruct or anything...I'm just a little pissed off at myself. oh well...TIA.

Currently listening:
By Arcade Fire
Release date: 14 September, 2004

Saturday, January 22, 2005

the space between (ported from myspace)

Between any two matter what...there needs to be space. Anyone that knows me knows that when I am in a relationship...that person is top dawg in my life. (i'm still the man, so I always have the final say...haha...yeah right) Seriously, though...i always throw myself into whichever relationship that I am in...100%. Not that I have the busiest life or anything (when not in a relationship), ...far from it, actually....but I tend to drop whatever it is that I am doing and charge on into the new greatness. It's kinda funny how content I can be spending time with myself when I'm not in a relationship and then how, when I am
My brain is mush....i am digging through a swamp to find my words....I think I am being overpowered by hunger at the moment.
Basically...i dont have too much free time when I'm in a relationship. I think that heading into relationships like that takes its toll on a person (ME). I saw something in one of those lame chain emails that has the same 15 quotes as all of the other emails that run the globe and the originator's bonus five that all but make the email worthless.... (BTW...I never forward please...yeah...dont send them unless you just want ME to read them ;) ) that email, it was saying something like "love as though you have never been hurt before...and you will live a full life". I really think that's the attitude that I have when I charge into a new relationship. and I am convinced that it is a good thing. I think it's a bunch of poo to head into something that could be the best thing in the world for two people with anything less than all that you have to offer. I'm not saying that I'm a huge huggy buggy love machine on the first date...but when I know that I have found someone worth keeping...I'm going to hold onto that person and pour myself into the relationship. This time...that attitude was matched by the other person (not that that hasn't happened before...) which leads to spending endless hours together. The natural effects of all of this face time with a new person in one's life should be obvious....the family and friends at first see how happy you are and encourage you onward...then they tell you to slow down ( as everthing tends to move at an increased pace, given the extra hours per week spent together )...that you are heading into it way too fast...don't get in over your head....(which I am fine with...because I feel that most people don't charge into relationships with all that they have and, as a result, freak out when they see it happening with someone they are close to -> the more you put in, the more you risk BUT! the more you can also enjoy if the "gamble" pays like you have never been hurt...because everyone gets hurt at one time or another) After all of that fairly low-level predictable conversation comes the family and friends getting the feeling that they are now not getting enough of the person (this applies to both people in the relationship) that they are so used to having plenty of free time to spend with them. I have seen many different degrees of this intervention in my years...all of which SEEM to add to the stress of the relationship. I know that they do add stress...but I think that the timining is normally such, with this intervention, that it is healthy for a little more time apart (distance makes the heart grow fonder, no?). THIS time is different for me, in that I had a realization (today, actually...on the way home from my parents house....driving by the mall :P) that when two people spend every moment of the day together (minus work and other mundane tasks) that there tends to be a buildup of animosity between the two. I can say this...I love my woman. (in case you didnt know...let this be the official press release!)...and, having said that...I need to expound on my hypothesis. I think that if you hang out too much...neither of the people in the relationship are able to get all of the things done that need to be done. Laundry, Car cleaning, room cleaning, friend time, Xbox hacking...whatever it is that you were doing before, that you enjoyed doing (or just plain had to do) doest not get done. because of start to build a to do list. everyone has them, but not everyone has a reason (even if you don't realize it) that you are not getting the stuff done in the first place. if I don't get to do all of my laundry this week...i might be ok. if i don't get to do laundry next week...i might start to run low on socks...and that will wear on me little by little...a stressor adding to the pile of minor stressors in one's life that keep us as tightly wound as we all are. usual....I'm spent and I'm not sure that I really said anything worth saying...but I said it, nonetheless. I feel like getting some food...hmmm....Del Taco anyone? Call me soon and I might head out to eat with ya....haha yeah right....i will probably just pass out right now and forget about it until I wake up with my stomach trying to digest itself. ;)

Currently listening:
By A Perfect Circle
Release date: 02 November, 2004