Saturday, October 06, 2007

friday ramblings (ported from myspace)

insatiable appetite for more
where does this appetite for MORE originate? where in my being do these desires come from? there is always something else to be desired...something else to WANT. I want to not want. wanting is such a waste of time of thought and above all, of money. i have a macbook...i WANT a macbook pro. why? it's faster...nicer...whatever. but i really don't understand the underlying desire for it. it's going to be the same experience overall...still just a keyboard, screen and other junk that I use to connect to the net from whatever coffee shop...a newer, larger apple logo (whatever)...but at the end of the day, it's the "same" experience...but it costs me an extra $1000. i suppose that could be justified...whatever that means. i'm not really making money with this thing (though i have)...that's not really the point of the whole exercise.

life is so weird. we have what we have, wanting what we do not have, knowing that when we do obtain that which we desire, we will yet again regain a desire for something else. it is a never ending cycle...apparently to repeat for this cycle of days that is life. it's almost comical, really. we can consciously realize what is happening, yet we are still subject to the will of the beast.

sokny has been in cincinnatti this week so i have had some spare time. typically i will either just hide out in the bedroom after work, watching movies and/or computing the nights away...or wander aimlessly from retail outlet to retail outlet in search of something to spend my duckets on. this trip was no exception...i spent the first night watching movies and computing...yesterday i went to the mall and bought some socks...a few shirts and whatever.

retail is very similar to movies actually. retail - buy shirts, socks whatever...just to wear them for a few months/years/days...and throw them away..just money down the drain. movies...we spend money basically just to be entertained. most are "ok" with a few here and there that actually make an impact on our lives. very silly we are. we are so basic...almost like animals with our carnal basic... we spend so much of our lives just living life...without really delving into finding what really matters. what matters? is it family or having kids or getting married or having a wildly successful career? maybe a little bit of a few of those...but i'm not really convinced that many of these add up to much. at the end of the day or rather, at the end of life...what matters? we all die. everything will eventually end up as dust...even the parthanon, the colluseum...stonehenge...everything will fade, it's glory but a second in the grand scheme of this multi billion year old earth that we are current residents of.

obviously this boils back down to the eternal truth...but i'm still struggling with it...coming to terms with that which i know to be true....i'm not sure if i'm just slow to trust or if i'm just destined to spend my life in the throes of a passionate struggle for "the meaning of life"...gaining slight clarity after/during each internal battle...

ugh...weird. well, i'm going to head into frys now (currently at lunch, writing into a notepad from a non-wifi location)...and indulge in some more senseless retail shopping...