Friday, April 20, 2007

more learnings about myself (ported from myspace)

life is pretty funny...i think i just might be a little slow on the uptake...but i never cease to be amazed at how much i really don't know about myself. this may seem like a trivial learning...but in the context of a relationship, the impact is amazing.

I suppose that i really just realized that i tend to be a go with the flow kinda guy. that piece in particular is something that i have thought about in the past...but the learning today is more around how that can impact my relationships. i think that if i were not in a relationship (hypothetical...but i can say this from experience as well)...i would probably just go to work, go home...with the occasional stop on the way to/from for food and gas. i really dont get out that much...i suppose that's just a reflection on how i was raised. i really like it...i don't need to get out and fill my afternoons with this or nature is just to try to consolidate "things" as much as as efficient as possible with life. i have found that when i do that...i'm much less stressed and i typically find myself wandering fry's (especially on fridays when the new sales ad comes out) or at the mall (any mall...pick one).

so yeah...that's something that pretty much anyone that knows me would be able to say about me.

the learning comes in when that is put into a relationship. what i realized was that my lack of desire to make go get engaged in the real world tends to be detrimental because i end up just saying yes to things that i don't really want to do. there is always give and take in relationships (and i firmly believe that there has to be/should be) but there is a point where it just doesnt make sense. example...i'm really not such a fan of general...but more specifically, when i'm going shopping for, not for me...or for body lotion, hand lotion, bikinis, etc. that's just not my thing.

so what i'm going to try to do more is to acutally think about what i'm committing to and try to vizualize what i'm actually going to be doing...and figure out whether i will enjoy it. (aside...i feel like a first grader realizing that throwing rocks at girls might not be the best thing to do...oh did get in trouble for that back in the day :). but anyways...yeah. a way...for my thoughts in front of myself in order to more accurately process my subconcious. (as i write, i'm realizing that just putting into words the reason behind putting things into words is a vicious circle that could only be put into words by the person who is trying to rationalize putting so many things into words)

*wow...i didnt realize that i had animated icons in my*

music is an amazing force in life. the sheer power of music to reach in and touch one's take control of one's mind and turn the steering wheel from sad, emotionally drained to "down with women"..."i can do this". (dashboard confessional)..or whatever...blows my mind. that's why i have been making this concious effort of late to fill my ears...fill my mind with Christian music. take for instance...any random day on the way to work. if I plug my ipod into the car on the way and just go with whatever random track pops up (out of my curent ~3500 song mix)...i might end up listening to nine inch nails...metallica...fugees...or whatever. but that probably isnt the mindset with which I could start my day of with to best glorify God. it sucks how much effort it takes to focus on God in the day to day (for me). i suppose it's really not that much more effort than just living life.

i often wonder why life it so retardedly high maintenance. why do i have to wear socks for my shoes to be comfortable. and if they are so comfortable, why do my shoes feel like they weigh ten pounds (other than the fact that they're steel toed)...and being so heavy...why do they make my feet get so hot...and on top of that, they smell...(TMI?)...then taking them off after work...ah...that feels nice. on up the about food? i wish that i could just be full all of the time. not necessarily in pain bloated ouch i'm full...but just comfortable full. that's a great feeling. it is tedious to have to plan out 2-6 meals every day just to get by. don't get me started on the by-products of all that food intake...that's a whole chapter in the book of life unto itself. but yeah...add to all of the other mundane, time consuming tasks that we are faced with...driving safely...death all over the pay...sand in my dye...bad weather (ok, can't really complain about that one in Cali)...unhealthy food...and it seems almost futile to make any attempt at fitting other aspect of relational life into the picture (though honestly, most of my relational issues are fought internally)'m getting tired just thinking about this stuff...oh well...back to work

ta ta!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

blogarhythmic iterations (ported from myspace)

to blog or not to blog, that is the question.

i'm so tired of being tired. i'm not really sure what to say or to expect from the next day...they all come one at a time...but what really gets me is how random life is. not that i'm really doing anything terribly impactful at the moment with my life nor am i really sure what my plan is for making an impact. i'm really just floating again...down the river...going with the flow...what really constitutes an impact? what would really make for a worthwhile life? i'm just not sure. there is so much out there in much opportunity...but there...stop right there...

what is opportunity? does that mean that there are so many "million dollar ideas"...ideas that just need to be acted upon? i don't like million dollar ideas. they are stressful...they are fun to talk over coffee...but who really wants to work that much? who wants to worry that much about something so temporary as money. even with a secular mindset, it is tough to justify spending this life just to make and spend money. so...opportunity. does that mean that i should take more time to excercise opportunities to share God's love with folks? that one really sounds the best to me...i'm just not that good at it. i'm needy. i spend way too much time just thinking about stuff. not necessarily stuff that makes sense...i will probably never be happy in a relationship...i'm not totally sure just feels to me that there is always going to be something major in each one that will prevent me from being fully satisfied. so that's another interesting yeah...we (Christians) know that in this life, we are not really ever going to be fulfilled...except through Christ...except the times when we drop "life" and truly embrace God for all that he is. I'm not really motivated in life to the degree that i "should" or "could" be. so...i'm not sure if that means that i'm doing what i'm supposed to or if i really should make the effort to fully excercise my work, in my relationships, in my friendships, my family, my spirituality...what is the ever elusive "should"?

but's days like today when i have 8 hours to myself..where i just want to listen to the birds....not that i'm a huge fan...listen to the hum of the computer fan...just relish in life. these are the days when i re-center myself around who i really am. i'm still not 100% that i'm not just being totally selfish...but i feel that there is a balance between being selfish and doing something for yourself so that you can do more for others. that is something that i shall continue to seek after. that....i would one of my "gifts".

now i feel like i'm talking Xmen i found out that i can walk through walls...and maybe it is that important. i dont know. so...what i really said is that i think that my constant inability to settle or to be satisfied with...much of anything just might be a good thing. i probably have a ton of polishing to do...i know i do, no use in false pretenses. so that though brought up a faint hint of human nature. we are all not be satisfied. it's pretty disgusting. we are told not to be satisfied with what we have (by the eachother)...we are told not to be satisfied with this or that in our relationships...that w should...that we deserve to have the perfect marriage...the perfect kids...hmm...they dont exist. but by living under these...we make ourselves slave to the world. my macbook is a is just another worldly possession that steals away from my ability to commit myself to God and to live my life according to his will and ties another piece of my soul to this world. we are grounded to this world by our our lust* for a perfect marriage/relationship. i say lust because it is a similarly "surface" desire. something that has no healthy basis for existing. i don't want the "Mr and Mrs Smith" marriage - not the one from the movie - but the pervasive images that the media pushes onto us...and that we push onto eachother as to what a perfect marraige looks like.

it would be amazing if we could have a time-out in life. an easy button where we could just push it and spend a day...a week...a true vacation with God. There are moments...mostly during worship...where i really do connect with God...but the rest of the time, i just feel like i'm not really doing what i should be doing and that "when i get home, i'm going to spend some time with God" I have said that to myself so many's almost unreal that i still believe myself when i say it.

on that note...i'm going to go throw my macbook on the charger with my ipod...go to latte 101 and read my bible. ;)