Wednesday, August 30, 2006

tell ya later.../louder with earplugs in...(ported from myspace)

soooooooo....what is the point of all this? there are times, when driving down the road or when lying in bed...when one feels the urge to do what society tells us not to do...logic tells us not to fact, pretty much everything that is this world that we live in tells us not to do some pulling a hard right when driving eastbound parallel to a chain link fence surrounding a military base (not that there's much that's special about a military base, per se) walking into the living room naked as the "in laws" are making there is so much disconnect between the world that we see on TV...the world that we are expected to live in...the mini world that is ecosystem...a food chain...a social drama unto itself...and the church. i guess i can't even really comment that there is disconnect between this and that, because that would imply that i feel ownership or part of any church. i don't have a church. sure, i go to calvary community church in westlake more often than not...and i know a few people there...but it is no CHURCH. a church is a living breathing dynamic is not one is not the place where people come and go on sundays...and the occasional wednesday for an organized's a place where people go and feel at home...they give and receive counsel from friends...friends and family. not that anyone there has to be's how people move and flow. i don't get that at calvary. i feel isolated...i feel as though i am a visitor in some world that is so distant from "church" that it is as though i am on another planet...

this is not about church though...i am not awake after being in bed (sad as that is...) because of church. it is really that first thought that pulled me back out here. what am i doing here. i'm not sure what my purpose is...i don't feel like reading a purpose driven life. that book has done a lot of good for a lot of people..i'm just not getting direction. possibly it is the wise words of a friend who suggested that my pathetic excuse for a christian life (in that i live with my girlfriend and still have the gall to attend church, carry a Bible, pray and call myself a Christian)...was the root of all of the tension in my life. not that i'm totally in disagreeance with her, but i guess i'm just too much of a hard head to give everything over at once. i have made some progress...albeit back to a "normal" lifestyle relative to the mild nature of others...hmmm...i'm just not sure what the deal is i guess. i'm not feeling God in my life...i'm off i'm's rough. either that or i'm just weak. i know that's the case, too...i can try...and in doing so, achieving this and whom the merit is given...i don't know. work is just plain lame. i work one notices...i do one notices...i complain about how hard i work...nothing changes...i don't complain about working one notices...why not just not work hard and have the same people not notice? or better yet...why not just not work on the 'net all day...and probably get more credit for the one thing that i did is lame. it's actually almost the opposite of real...i would call it completely fake. so weird. if i just didnt do any work...but did the 4 things that people would notice (though they really did nothing for the company) i would probably get a raise. however...if i sat back and found the 4 things that would do the most for the company, i would probably get close to getting fired for the 3 things within the 4 that did not go exactly that's what i would call a messed up "rewards system" LoL. so what i end up doing is oscillating back and forth between the two extremes...monday i spend 14hrs busting my booty fixing the leftovers from someone else's completely botched and half-@$$'d effort at a huge task...with nothing but complaints all around. i was not able to deliver what i normally would have done on any other day...but considering the circumstances and the magnitude of the possible impact of the issue...i rocked it. tuesday i was tired from the previous day so i barely managed to make any headway on resolving the aforementioned issue after patching up the current day's duties...and today...i made some actual progress again...another notch on the belt against the issue...but still not on par with most normal days. so what do i end up with? i'm drained at the end of the day...i delivered less net benefit to the company than a normal, uneventful day...but in the end, i did what was best for the company having now spend ~33hrs fixing someone else's hurricane leftovers...not that it's horrible's tedious..i'm the man for the job as i know the data better than anyone at the site...but can folks get to the point where the actual work that needs to be done doesnt even get base recognition. seriously...i will get chewed out tomorrow for not having everything "back to base" though i have done everything in my power to get things back to normal. i'm just not sure where to go with this whole thing...

SAP skills are highly transferrable and i have a fun new role coming in november (if it ever gets here...oh when oh when will it..??) that should add quite a bit of flexibility, opportunity for travel and great opportunity to grow my skills (though i'm still uncertain as to the benefit to the financial bottom line for this KAF) that's the game. i burn my candle o' passion down to the nub at work...leaving nothing left for home...i'm drained of all my passion, as it goes so unnoticed at work (and most of the time at home, though that be a completely seperate schpiel)...ugh!! yeah...let me at that chain link fence...g'bye i come o' kitchen o' my in laws! asklnklsdasgagslkglnskasdlkhgsnklnklgasdnklgsagksgslnkkjlgskljgsaslkj

Thursday, August 03, 2006

computers (ported from myspace)

I'm still not sure what to think about computers...first, i learn to dislike them (while at work for 8-15hours/day)...then i go home and the first thing that I want to do is to jump on the computer or to pickup one of my linux books or whatever...i'm kind of curious as to what the allure is to me...i really like when stuff is free (cause paying for stuff is painful and oftentimes does not yield the same level of results...brings to mind the sacrifice Jesus made for he was able to pay for something with his body that we could never pay for...i wonder if getting stuff for free is some innate desire that we have, as we innately understand that we NEED that which cannot be purchased...another person's love...the blood of Jesus...friends...etc) and i really like when stuff is cool/interesting/fun/produces nice results...all the while challenging me to stretch my brain and build myself.

breaking this down yet another level...i like linux. i'm going to start there...(now)...hmm...i have been on a computer for longer than i can remember. i really don't even remember life without a computer. i think our first one showed up around age 5....but that was a mac. back to linux...i guess what appeals to me is that it is a computer OS that not everyone knows. (including me). i like having problems arise...that i do not already know how to fix. windows used to bug me because problems would show up...i would know how to fix it...and it would just take way too freaking long...but with linux...once i know how to fix's usually pretty's free...has a HUGE variety of communities for support and people that use linux are generally of the hIgher Quality intellect. i find that fascinating. it is cool to find a group of folks who are smart...working on the same thing....motivated by a common interest...not getting paid (i have found that not getting paid is huge in this picture...where else do you find coders motivated by interest? usually people who are enrolled in the work force tend to lose motivation, whether it be by a lack of inspiration, management stifling their creative muscles, boring office environment or what have just seems to go downhill once the funds start flowing...maybe i'm in the wrong line of work??).

anyways...people who run linux usually have a pretty strong desire to learn and to improve that which they are learning. me? i really dig linux. i'm really starting to ramp up on the learning curve...and i'm really digging it. i do still have a dual boot computer at home, with a legal, purchased version of MS windo$e XP MCE 2005, but i haven't really booted to it in quite awhile. i am still having a few issues getting linux to do all the things i want it to, but for the most part, i feel really, really comfortable with it and am getting pretty good at tweaking, breaking, fixing...rinse wash repeat...linux. i am a slow learner, though.

i feel hampered of late by work. i work too much...or just get too frustrated by work to spend quality time in linux. i have been digressing quite a bit at work...we have 2 huge programs here at work, that work together and they are both based on unix...which linux is derived from. so it's great being able to reapply some of my newly acquired knowledge of linux to these systems...and to be able to have a better of computers and their guts at the same time...but i have really been focusing on what i enjoy at work...which is not necessarily my job. not that it matters...i suppose that i should focus on what i'm good at...but i really do still need to get my job done and do what i'm actually getting paid to do...whatever. work is really kinda secondary to me. feels weird saying that...but i really don't have too many qualms about not having my job. i feel so demotivated when i come to work. i am inspired infrequently...usually when talking with someone else about their issues and what I can do to help resolve them. blah. why am i talking about work...i get tired just talking about it. i'm still exploring this curiosity that the Lord has brought into my life and doing my best to explore this desire to the fullest...i'm actually kind of excited as to where this path will lead career? start a business? i have no idea...just know that work...i can't even say that it's the actual work..but more of the people...or the really killing me. i wish i had the same passion to find a new job as i do to explore on the computer at home. that's kinda weird though. i know that God gave me the tools that I need to do the job that he put me here to do...i just need to figure out what the job is...and why me? haha. why anything, i guess...if you're going to ask why at all...start there. blarg...

Xplore Xwindows Xtremely Xcited Xactly Xasperated Xtremely Xtatic

way past my bedtime (time to go home)

maybe i just need to get some good solid old fashioned sleep? maybe i'm getting too much sleep...i don't really think there's a difference in how the day goes by...just changes the amount of stuff that i get done in a day.

project for when i get home...figure out what crashed on the ol' linux box...upgraded to the almost beta KDE 3.4.5 for kubuntu overnight...yay! good times.... >sudo apt-get remove kde< : )

lol (ported from myspace)

"...Of course, the plebian cp can be used as well, but we Unix sysadmins love to use cryptic commands to complete relatively simple tasks. That's what seperates us from mortal users..." - pg 122

plebian: (plebeian)

1. Of or relating to the common people of ancient Rome: a plebeian magistrate.
2. Of, belonging to, or characteristic of commoners.
3. Unrefined or coarse in nature or manner; common or vulgar: plebeian tastes.

Currently reading:
Running Linux
By Matthias Kalle Dalheimer
Release date: 01 December, 2005