Tuesday, January 03, 2012


One of my online gamer names is antiflash. it started out on thanksgiving one year when I was learning to play counterstrike and kept getting flash 'naded. it bugged me to i changed my name to antiflash...yada yada.

I have always considered myself to be an optimistic realist...trying to put a positive spin on the reality of how things are but the more i think about ME and how I really work...i almost come away feeling like quite an introverted antisocial pessimist. i do not really enjoy being around people...maybe its just being in groups of people where there arent any people that i know really well that's tough. i think i'm fine if i have a few people that i can gravitate towards and talk to...which is what i always do at church...but if i dont have those key people, i really tend to just float around. i depend on others to meet new people through. i'm really bad about returning phone calls, texts, emails, facebook messages, whatever. so much of the time i really just want to hide in a corner of a room void of other people and be left alone. i dont feel like i know how to (or maybe i dont care to) hold a normal conversation. yeah, i can talk about the weather...this that and the other...but that's really just following a framework. and even when i do that, i'll be so nervous that i wont remember names of new people, where they work and all that jazz which makes the next time even worse. i dont know if i want to work on it...but i know its there. i dont know if i want to be a more social person.

so anti...antisocial...i know how important community is because i can imagine what it could be if done 'right'. but again, at least for now, i really dont want to spend the time and effort to really get to know people. i dont know why. maybe its because i'm so selfish...and time spent talking with and learning about others is an investment in something i dont deem important? i really have no idea...just that its just not my thing. maybe i'm just picky and i only want to talk with like minded...or similarly closed minded people. whatever...just another awkward social interaction further degrading my self confidence and all that. whiny whiny. i dont know why this thought justifies a post...but i want to let it out. i want to put this crap on 'paper' to help me proces it. to see it and to see what it looks like.

more than this i suppose...i want to find my spot in life...where i feel like i'm actually doing what i was built for. an idea which goes beyond christianity...i'm not saying that i was built specifically to fit into the world in a certain way in a predestination kinda way...but more that i enjoy doing certain things and am good at certain things and it seems kinda obvious to me now that it is very likely that theres a job out there that 'fits' me...that i would love to do and that i would be really good at. screw the money. i just want to do shit that interests me and that i would love to do every day. another whiny topic i suppose. some people in the world worry about what they're going to eat today and are in fact, as i am typing this...starving. someone probably starved to death while i wrote this. on my expensive computer...etc.

i think i could tangent around for hours...but thats not why i'm here. bored at work. bored in marriage. bored at church. not really doing anything with my life. if i had 2 months off, i would likely spend 12hrs per day or more playing video games... so i naturally gravitate towards lazy.

i'm tired...going to bed...on the couch...again.