Thursday, December 14, 2006

power'd by google (ported from myspace)

well...not really. in bremerton right now...running the brother OS...paternal twin even...ubuntu. i prefer the K distro...probably for almost innate relations with the whole K concept...but it's saturday. i'm just hanging out at chris' house with mr dent as well. suprisingly, we are all still awake, even after a long day of snowboarding at whistler this morning and a long drive back...with a stop along the way at a |)3|..||..|Yz. lovely food...great times on the ferry...nice to be able to talk to the woman without having to worry about silly canadian international phone minutes (don't they know they are just an extension of the US?). that reminds me...i should check to see what the real deal is with cingular charges...ah...i will probably have to wait for that bill to come in before checking that...they are pretty retarded about it. anyways.

i suppose i really don't have much to say..i'm a little sore right now. had a good time in whistler...always terribly sore after boarding though i'm afraid i'm probably a bit more sore than normal as I have not been running AT ALL haha...lame, i guess. the woman likes running with me...i'm just lazy. whatever. i'm in shape for most things. i guess if it really was a priority to me, i would do it. more for the workout than anything, as i'm not about doing things just to do them...usually has to be for a reason. whatever...i REALLY don't have anything to say, which probably means that my mind is mush because i'm supposed to be asleep right now. lolout

Currently listening:
Eyes Open
By Snow Patrol
Release date: 09 May, 2006

asiod;gph (ported from myspace)

teacher my brain is full can i be excused? i wish it were full of things worth saying or even just things that were worth keeping in my head but instead, my head is full of junk. Saw a blog from someone else (myspace friend: Kimber) that basically said that you have to focus on the important things in life and ensure that the non-important things never take over (work, fixing the garbage disposal, yada yada). so here i am...awhile after reading that blog...and i'm at work (still).

work is pretty much just a bunch of crap. I have talked (to myself) at length about the futulity of's almost like people are so lazy and unmotivated that it's like a weight around my ankles...i just get pulled down..thereby lowering my performance...which i loosely equate to being happy at the sense that when i'm doing a good job...performing well...i'm glorifying God with my work. since that's pretty much the intent behind work...and so i'm a little perplexed. i'm not 100% clear if the fact that i'm struggling with it is good...because i'm going through the preverbial fire...trial by fire...the whole pain is gain thing...or if i'm just being a 'tard (thanks seth) and i should just push through the BS and just get to work. i have spent the majority of the past 3 days just mulling about work...helping folks with tons of little things, even to the point where i'm just talking with folks about this or that...just building the bonds of friendship that really make work enjoyable. i'm not totally clear as to whether i'm motivated to talk to others because of a lack of motivation to do "work"...what i'm supposedly paid to do...or if i'm motivated by a genuine interest. i am genuinely interested...and generally demotivated of i suppose it could be a mix of both...healthy mix? who's healthy...c'mon now really...we're all broken. haha

go drink some soy milk. i found that it actually has more calories than non-fat milk...and nonfat milk has more protein (most folks associate soy-anything with high protein). funny how things get twisted like that. soy milk is typically flavored with this or that...usually vanilla and sweeteners like cane sugar (doesn't all sugar come from cane? sounds fancier, i suppose) it has more carbs...

see...more junk in my head. back to the type of junk that i'm thinking about is dealing with little deadlines at work...or helping people setup printers (not my job) at work...even christmas seems a bit extraneous in that everyone spend so much time trying to think about gifts for folks...passing gift cards back and forth...i suppose that's true about's always hard to get inside someone'e head and figure out what would make them happy. worth it, i suppose. work, i guess is the primary source of extraneous material in my head. i'll even use work terminology and say that it is a large source of non-value add data that i have to store.

what is "value add" in life?

all that glorifies God...i suppose that would be the textbook response. does my typing of this glorify God? how about work? i suppose if people see that my dedication to work is genuine and comes from a deep rooted interest in doing my best at whatever i'm doing...and that in seeing that, they are interested in what i'm into and why...i am how i am.

dunno...i really don't feel like i am completely able to tap into my thoughts of there is some mysterious pool of thought...of brain junk that is just taking up space in my head...preventing me from just being me all the time. God help me please...thanks! everyone has stuff going on...medical issues...relationship issues...whatever it is...and here i am with my issue being "brain junk" or something akin to that.

maybe i'm just filling my life up too much with crap. like too many trips that don't really do anything. i'm not saying that they aren't fun....but what do the DO for me? hawaii was awesome! whistler was great...costa rica was about tahoe in feb or mammoth in mar? would my life be less fulfilling if I just didnt go on those kind of trips? they are stressful...financially draining...hmm will jot that down on my internal notepad for more thought at a later date.


Friday, November 24, 2006

again (ported from myspace)

so i'm wondering if it's chronic...chronic blogification. do i just fill up after a certain amount of time...then just eventually splooge it all out on this blank boring white page that listens? it's great...i was listening to a soul asylum song from way back....kind of a screaming song...and i was really feeling it at the's very...(i would say interesting...but that doesnt come close to capturing the true intent...)...lame, insecure, pathetic of me that one phone conversation can make or break the night for me. totally excited after a night with the fam, as sokny is working nights and i have "free" time to hang out on this extended holiday weekend...and i give her a call at work...planning to head over and have some "lunch" with her around 10 or so. i thought it was a very cool gesture...a little later than normal, which would accomodate her schedule a little better than the normal 8pm thang....and i get shot down. so weird. she normally "complains" that night shift is so much quieter and less structured than days...has more free time...has a tougher time staying awake...and i get shot down for trying to improve that. bah.
so naturally i went right to vons and picked up a 750ml of my local melon flavored intoxicant along with a 2000ml diet mixer...and headed back home. kinda lame of me, but at the same just deflates my balloon when she does that....i suppose i'm flirting a little too much with the line between the necessity of a relationship (actual dependance) and the nicety of a relationship...maybe i'm just a moron for throwing myself in...or at least giving my all to the attempt there-at...i suppose i could "blame" it on all of the pressure that i have been getting about not getting her a ring for our 2yr anniversary thingy in hawaii...i don't see the point of a ring...there is this perception that it will change something...other than moving the little relationship marker to "the next level"...and giving everyone something else to gossip about...possibly temporarily satiating the biological clock crap that plagues's retarded of me, but i really feel like i am on everyone else's timetable and that everything is about expectations...or societal norms that i must comply with...or something along thosse lines...i don't buy into that...sorry kid....
now...i am a total freakin two ways about it...i'm a Christian, yet i'm living with my girlfriend (with a bonus of getting to live with her parents at the same time). having said that...i really don't leave much room to talk about anything...but closing the eye with the plank in it...though it really sticks out the temple or something...i'm going to say that for now, this is not something i can conquer. i'm weak...i'm lame...i'm pathetic...i'm wasting breath berating myself further...but anyways...we, as Christians, are supposed to be distinguishable from society...we are supposed to be outcasts...not to be accepted...yet we all strive to conform. we all want the audi, the ipod, the 3.5 bedroom house for our mate and our the 'burbs...close to the mall and the dog park...where we can take our golden retrievers and be within walking distance of church and within 45mins of work...lame. i have no solutions....i hate broaching issues without solutions...but what the heck. there is NOTHING biblical about a wedding's actually more of a pagan symbol...that was adopted by some secular freaks out to make a buck on some shiny metal and some blingy rocks...what the did we get sold into this life of preverbial slavery to the dollar...where it is mandated in mastercard commercials and zales ads that we must spend 3 months salary...9 big ones...spend whatever *she* wants on a's her ring...give her what she's her day...the wedding has to be how she wants....where is God in marriage? in the wedding...i don't see it. I really prefer that the ring and the ceremony glorify God uber alis.....seriously. down with the wedding march...let's play Paul Wright's "You're Beautiful"...let's play awesome God...i don't even see the point in a ceremony. i mean really...let's just sign the papers, skip the dress and go right on to the unscripted reception where folks who don't get to see eachother except at weddings can hang out and enjoy eachother's company.
life is so overcomplicated. it's all of these freaking a timeshare, buy a car, buy a house...(that's another 540 pages of wasted contractual obligation that get's browsed over, yet etched into the hind quarter's of the folks who sign because they didnt see some little stipulation on page 489) much junk. not that it hasn't always been this way...i'm sure it has been pretty close...i'm sure there are stats out there citing how much faster paced our lives are now vs in our parents generation or whatever...not really is life...i'm sure there were details that consumed lives and minutes then just like now...might not have been TV or myspace...but it was's a human thing, methinks.
so yeah....screaming at the wind....that's what i do. i wonder if that's just something that i do...the incessant pondering of topics non-applicable to "real" life...tangential topics that should just skim my cognizant layer...just stop in to my thoughts, never taking a seat...that i latch onto and run with. my processor clock might be off (vs. what, i'm not sure)...but let's just suffice it to say that i'm off by 180...sine/cosine kinda off...not on "the" wavelength. that really does get me wondering...i really trip out on how differently people's minds work. some of it i can explain...i can work through it...but i really get stuck on cultural differences...are they irreconcileable?(sp?)? i have found that different upbringings result in not only different morals/beliefs/norms/ethics...but in totally different thought patterns...add to that the whole male/female thing...crap dude...might as well stick the car in reverse for all the sense i'm going to make of a female with a non-specific slightly-culturually-different from-another-part-of-the-country a-little-older woman...dude...i'm toast....hahaha not that i'm anywhere near giving up...just so many many little things that get chalked up...that occasionally sum up to an issue...weird.
music....great stuf...but it's not fair to limit the quantification of music to a single album...soul asylum was on the way home...around 1030 or's now 1125pmPST and sister hazel is belting out some pseudo love! haha ah, the strokes, much better.
passion commitment integrity trust love....i really think love is the binding agent...or could be singled out as the preverbial scarlet thread that runs through most worthwhile is obvious in passion...passion is the energy created by someone who loves...whether the object be a person, thing, place....whatever...passion is the almost visible expression about love "he kissed her passionately"..."the passion he had about Linux was evident in the way he described the new window manager release"...yada yada...commitment, while not directly tied to love...shows that one has a deep tie or dedication to the same aforementioned person place thing (generic noun). in a relationship, it pays to be committed....he committed his life to his job and his familly paid the price...he was committed to the asylum...oh, wait...not that one...but yeah...commitment comes out of a deap seated don't just commit yourself arbitrarily to something...i wouldn't call purchasing gas a committment....i would call getting a job a committment...a marraige (duh)...buying a pet...signing on the dotted line that you are going to concentrate on the love in the equation and give it your all to get through whatever comes down the road...integrity...same time as previous....though different and my personal favorite of today's vocabulary is....let's see...i read something about trust this week...something to the effect of be loved is love is courageous...because in are trusting that person with your all...trusting them with your heart, with your them the ability to know your innermost thoughts...your sexual desires...your horrible human thoughts and your silly jocular remarks...your nightmares and your dreams...fears and is really making the effort to get to know the person...but i actually think it's the step after that...making the effort to ensure that the person knows you. i can say that i know someone...but when that someone says that i know them, it's completely different...that represents the person having made the effort to share the vulnerabilities...insecurities...fears...history...sharing is caring...but really, it is.
so what does it mean when one person is trying and dumping and the other interprets things differently and doesn't make the same effort...there is a book about the five languages of love. kinda generic...but the principle is invaluable. everyone has effectively been trained to give/receive love in a certain way. the key is that they will expect to be shown love and to give love in that way. so let's take me for example...i'm a typical physical touch and words of affirmation as my primary (2) when i try to show love to my's in those same ways...but physical touch might not (is not) my partner's idea of it could come across as just some hormonal desire and be pushed to the side of the you can see how this "could" lead to some huge deltas in how people interact in a relationship.'m just screwed. now is when i would normally jump into the "it's not you, it' s me" crap...but i'm going to pararphrase for the sake of time conservation and go with "i'm broken" and further, apparently, i'm bad at reconciling my differences and moving the relationship along...apparently, as evidenced by the missing ring. whatever
*5 minute break for sanity's sake*
yeah...that didn't work out as planned....sleep becomes me...zzzz

Currently listening:
Grave Dancers Union
By Soul Asylum
Release date: 06 October, 1992

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

pour it on / out (ported from myspace)

not sure which....just do it. life is too short. it is way too easy to just do the day to day and to never really dig into what's there. what's going on in people's heads? do people even think about what their thinking about? "why am i thinking this?" "is it good to be thinking that?" "who thinks about me after i talked to them about that thing that they did back before they told me about the dude who told me to go to that place before i went over there?" something like that. art or something. i'm probably not very good at it. i'm not intrinsically artistic. what's interesting is that on all of those fun "who are you" tests...myers-briggs and whatnot...i come out as like 55% introvert...but anyone who i tell that to laughs in my face and retorts with something to the effect of..."yeah, are the epitome of extroversion" i pour my thoughts out here. this is my drain...where i talk to myself in public (i figure it's better to post here than to sit around the office muttering to myself...might lose my job over that ;) not that i'm really talking to myself...just thinking to myself (if i talked out loud, that might signal a shift towards extroversion...the external faucet of my thoughts being turned on vs just internalizing most everything and turning the blender on pulse)

interesting shift of perspective at work. with all of the travel/training last week...i have taken on the perspective that i just need to get my job done. sounds pretty freakin obvious (can i have a captain obvious badge, please?) but it's more than just talk...and i'm not sure if it's a permanent perspective/if i want to work to make it a permanent perspective/if i want to work to make it only a temporary perspective...but it has been interesting. i say that because in the past week, i missed a connecting flight in ATLanta...stayed overnight in some ghetto hotel, wherein, i, knowingly sacrificed an already slender 4hrs of sleep to log in to work and get caught up on some stuff that would have otherwise been a little on the messy side. ended up passing out after a bit and getting 45mins or so of shuteye. couple that with the fact that i was here until 745p last night...went home, crashed and came back in at 145a today...i'm really not sure if this place is getting to me. i'm not sure if i want that manager mindset wherein i will do whatever has to be done to get "the job" done. i really, truly think that if i end up taking on that mindset, it will get to will start taking over my life. i'm not just throwing about arbitrary banter here....i have seen it happen. managers (young, impressionable, straight outta college) get thrown into this high pressure, high $$, highly competetive workplace and they get swallowed, like a black hole.

is there a place to work that pays reasonably (another topic altogether...really seems that lifestyle rather easily increases to accomodate this variable), requires reasonable hours (i'm thinking 50 could be draining if it were every week...and i just don't see the point in working 10hrs a day when i really only have ~16-18hrs to play with...) and allows me to sufficiently flex myself and pressure myself to learn. hmm interesting not sure what to do with that thought. this job "could" hypothetically, theoretically do that...but it could also become the beast that is P&G management mentality (sure, it exists elsewhere, but i'm going to stay in this world for now)...hmm what the heck. what if i quit and found another job that paid more (would that just be acknowledging the fact that money is top dog?) for doing the same thing...possibly take on some fun management title that i could throw around...i do have a fun "resume ready" title or two now...but hmm just the same. dunno dogg...going to have to ponder that one. maybe i should just move one step closer and put some more finishing touches on my "sell myself document" and throw it around just to see who's biting? lazy...tired from too many long days...need...need to just space out for a few weeks...months...just leave me alone with my computer for a bit to play and to really get something going...what would i get going? dunno...maybe then i would have some time to figure that out..nah...i don't think that life / humans are to be figured out...we just are. ponder this ponder! moving right along......sleep becomes me...guess i will get back to the grind (bummed that i missed halloween with the lil ones last night : (

Sunday, October 29, 2006

/. (ported from myspace)

so yeah...happy. happy is something often overlooked. i have come to understand that happy is based on the now...the today..."current events"...temporary situations...anyways...without further musings in this direction...happy is a short term sensation. having said that...there are a few states that I often find myself in: I internally deliberate a lot (for better or worse) about day to day events...often lacking an emphasis on the positive...i find my self looking back on a "happy" weekend (the topic of this stream)...i find myself confused and pondering this or that...and occasionally, i find myself stuck in introspection...lost inside myself...just thinking about how/why i am who i am...and really...just thinking about "who i am"...not necessarily why i'm here...but about me. i don't consider myself a vain person...but i think it's healthy to do an internal audit...maintain some form of internal controls to ensure that the exterior really truly reflects the my car...well...probably a bad example..hmmm ahh...drop it
the initial topic of this stream was to be thinking about happy days...not the TV show...but days when i'm happy. I often find that in the minute...when it's's not really all that pleasurable....not sure why...but i really find the most "happiness" in a situation when looking back on it. kinda weird... not to say that there aren't moments of happiness in my i do enjoy the "little things" i do appreciate when folks get together and throw a birthday bash for me...i do find happiness when i am able to get someone the perfect wine glasses for her birthday...that kinda stuff...makes me happy in the moment. but day to day life, i really don't see myself getting too happy (this blog was intended to be ABOUT the happy moments...hmm...i digress) so yeah...i think that happiness is mostly a term referencing the past. the yesterday...the moments that were "ok"...but that have to be coined something...i wonder if it's just that they mean more when put in full context of context of life (context seems to be a recurring buzz word for me, of late)...but in the moment...when i'm actually at the cafe reading my linux book...underlining fun sentences about printing or configuring multiple displays...or's just life. maybe life is those small moments...of neutrality...pieced together to form the "whole"...the complete puzzle that is me. so...let's say that life just happens....and it is those after the fact decisions (whether it's after the fact .05 seconds later...or .5days later) that really allow us to determine what it it impacted us. the sense that it is of interest to me : ).

joy...yeah...that is still something that i strive to achieve. i suppose many of the ideals out there are but things to be achieved...or to be reached for but never fully attained. would it be dissatisfying to achieve true joy in life? what would be left if we could be truly, 100% joyous here on earth. i suppose we would have to be joyous all the time...dunno. joy is still something that eludes me. it is so self sustaining...i don't know God to that depth yet...i don't trust God to that degree...i'm weak...i still sin too much (see how quickly i dissolve into self pity?)...i'm terribly prideful...i am are these strengths? how can i use this weak body to glorify God? this conversation has become a waste of time...i wonder if i should just let it go...this blog is for "venting"...for letting out all of these thoughts in my head that i don't tell anyone...or is it that i'm afraid to actually tell someone my thoughts and that it's easier to just put them here and casually hint that all of my deepest thoughts and emotions are here on a public page for any dog to read? yeah...that about sums it up. i yearn for depth of understanding of others and to reciprocate that...but this is all I know...this has been a great outlet for me...and a pretty decent way of letting others in (if they dare...buwahahahah!)...but is it just an excuse for not just being out there? is it a one-sided, unhealthy deposit of me with no counterbalance? is that even something I can ask? nope. hands down, nope. but life is good.
i can't really complain too much.
work sucks...poor me. haha. i live way above the poverty line...going to costa rica AND hawaii in the next 2 months...yeah...can't much complain about that. i suppose i just yearn to find my place. i think i'm desperate for something. i was watching this japanese import movie called "initial D" about drifting in japan...kind of a fast and the furious movie...but more that it doesnt have all the fancy neon and foo foo stickers. it totally made me want to move to experience another culture...why play life on the safe side? am i going to be sitting around in 20yrs, retired...knowing that i COULD have done this or that? what if I just quit and moved to japan? or china? or thailand over to long island? WHAT IF? that's the question we are supposed to ask...(who said we're supposed to ask, anyways?) what would happen? would I survive? would i have enough drive to get by? what would change if i went there? would it be any different? i would still strive to earn enough to get by and have a little left over to play with...i would still like gadgets and now brown cow? where to R2D2? haha. seriously...who am I...that's really not what i'm asking.....i have moved on to the perennial "WHY AM I HERE" hahahahaha. is it lame that I ask that question...or is it only lame because every other person in the world asks it so now i'm "typical" normal...just another joe (kyle, actually, but you can call me taco!).
drink more water, y''s going out of style...starbucks...cha for's all comin down the pipes and water is on the out and out...why drink alcohol? i made chili tonight...with beer (which just so happens to be the best liquid for chili as it seems to break down the meat...keeping it nice and tender soft)...and i just figured i would chug the i got a little buzz on (yeah....i'm a super lightweight...don't drink much, but i do happen to have a Duvel in the fridge with my name on it:) yeah...i had a little temporary buzz going...why? why is that a "pleasant" sensation? feeling dizzy? is it because it's self induced and intentional? dunno yo.

web pages of the week... (new version coming out sometime this month v6.10)

actually...that's a pretty good summary of all of the pages i frequent...i'm really a little on the boring side.....i'm tired of me...i'm going to bed...i'll think about today tomorrow...maybe then i'll realize what/why/how i wrote this. (i'm really not drunk...i do weigh 193lbs, y'know : ) simplemeout

Currently listening:
By Depeche Mode
Release date: 25 October, 1990

Friday, October 27, 2006

COSTa (ported from myspace) it's the last day of training here. i'm really not completely sure what was accomplished. i suppose that i did learn a lot about changes in the's just so interesting how the company justifies having people travel to train. i think it's more than just the training. what is strange is that the company (feel like i need to insert a legalistic definition of "the company" here) doesnt seem to invest in technicians...insomuch as spending time and money to ensure that folks build strong relationships which encourages folks to work together and be more productive...reapplication and whatnot. so it's strange to me. i feel like the cost training that i just attended is an anomoly. possibly an anomoly that should be built upon...but what inevitably happens with that (and is already happening with this company wide cost training) is that folks just start hopping on board "for the ride" to costa rica vs for the training or the networking. folks in the class are online working on other stuff or just plain not paying attention when they should be trying to absorb as much as possible. so let's say that my 1week trip costs the company ~$2M. that works out to 400 per day of training just for the travel expenses...and an additional thousand or 2 for the hours worked + overtime incurred for travel. so the company is investing say about $700/day for me to be down here (and all of the other folks...+/- some for higher/lower pay levels and whatnot) all the while, i'm also not doing my normal job to the fullest...which will incur more overtime and all that jazz. weird.

i suppose i should have thought more about this before coming down here. its just so strange to me. the relationship building is great though. i really connect to people vs connecting to knowledge. usually they align as i tend to relate more with folks that are on or around the same intellectual level as myself...but anyways. i think it's great how these relationships develop. i like knowing that i have met the person on the other end of the line that i'm helping or getting help from. i like letting folks know who i am and breaking down barriers that are easy to shatter in person but difficult or even sometimes impossible to break down via phone calls and company IM's. life is too short not to let people in. life is too short to spend so much time and energy trying to be something that we're not. i'm no angel...(not that this is something Holy) fact...i think i do this a lot. i really like cell phones...lately, i have traded up on them every 6months or so. i like tweaking with them and showing them off. the first part is fine...the second is not as noble. it's kind of like life. it is so easy to take credit for the work that we do in life. it is so easy (more than that, is built into us) to just take the credit and let the spotlight shine on us. i have been commended quite a bit since i have been down here on my capability in spanish. but really...i didnt earn my ability to learn languages. human named kyle am not able to improve upon my God given talents. that's just something that comes rather naturally to me. (comes naturally = God given). i feel like this is some geometric proof that should be formally laid out, proving that we are nothing and that everything we are, everything we do and everything we have is from God, of God and given by God for the sole purpose of glorifying God. it is so much eaiser to just go through life and not really take the time to step back and glorify God. it should be so built into us...we should work to make this attitude something that comes so naturally to us that it is just another part of life.

what glorifies God? when we use the gifts that he has given us to the fullest. when i say that i'm going to learn linux and pursue the natural curiosity that he has built me with to see what i can do with it. maybe i can setup an extra computer as a webpage server or a fileserver that i can spread God's word? maybe i can get a group of guys together and share in the knowledge that we have with eachother and hang out (fellowship) and just love on eachother. i'm not talking about some sort of orgy...just folks getting together and investing time...investing ourselves in eachother. maybe that group builds itself into something larger...maybe other folks start coming into the group because of the great thing it has become (evengelising)...i feel that it doesnt necessarily have to be christian from the outset...or even specifically focused at a later point in it's life...just that God's love is present.

that's kind of a tangent...a strange deviation of where i'm really going in life. i have been thinking a lot lately about what i'm here for...why i have the talents i have and what God wants me to do with them. it's very interesting to me that i have certain innate abilities or that i am "good" at certain things and not good at others. i am eternally fascinated by these things...ah...have to run.

Friday, September 29, 2006

2 (ported from myspace)

(Gen 18:1-2, 9-15) reading about sarah and abraham this the context of "fear". it reveals an interesting side of God in that a lot of times it seems like God is a God of fear and that he will just lay down the preverbial hammer on us (striking folks down when carrying the ark of the covenant and whatnot) without too much provocation. This story...after reading it in the context of how it display's God's rational, loving side...really shows that He understands that we are human and that we are going to make mistakes...and He already knows which disappointments we are going to live through...He already knows the plan He has for us (Jer 29:11)...and what we are going to do with what He has given us in the form of intellect (one that I will be ever-thankful for...both my own and that of others that He has blessed me with knowing), material blessings, friends, family, the particular upbringing that each of us experienced, the jobs we much.

back to the story...even though God knew that Sarah doubted Him to the point of laughing at His promise of a child...He did not snap at her, but simply delivered on his promise and gave them a child (which He later tested Abraham with...proving Abe's mettle yet again...). I suppose the reality of this story is that we should all see how good God is in our own daily lives and build our faith on that. I get so often...with my work relationship...silly little things...God tests me over and over again...and it is sad how often I get caught on the little things...I get caught up with the fact that I have not been promoted...though I have already been blessed with so much in my life. I tend to focus too much on being happy...vs being joyful in what I have...who I have...what God has done for me/given to me...smiles!

another (concious) realization of how impactful being in the Bible every day is. I am so lazy and have such a tough time getting into the routine of reading everyday...i have this devotional book "Fearless" that my bro Alex gave me that i'm trying to work through...(prompted this whole monologue)...diggin it. it's one of those 40 day plan/devotionals with a surfing theme...pretty neat. anyways...i'm going to make an earnest effort to build devotional time/bible reading time into my schedule...starting with this book. good times...

what a great way to start the work day...friday even. is so odd...i love the continual shifting of focus...of the random insights...of the random friends and random messages...i love self questioning - special note on that topic: i have be internally deliberating about what I should be spending my time on...studying the Bible...or studying computers/linux. not that they are really parallel studies...but they are both vying for my time...for my cognitive processes to choose them to develop and work august...i chose linux...i read through an entire book (~600 pgs of tech-geek speak) and carried it with me really got me thinking as to what my commitment was/should be...yeah. fun stuff...anyways...i guess i am usually more compelled to study about linux because it's fun...i say fun because they are both "interesting" topics in that I can get excited/stimulated/edumacated by reading about linux or by reading the bible...and i know that they are both great topics for me to learn. the bible...i learn about God and all of the facets of God in my life...little revelations such as the one today...that might not don on me unless looked at from another angle...and i know linux is good, as i do have some sort of almost innate understanding of computers...and i brutalized them for so long that i really feel that i should be giving back...and i feel that linux allows me to do that. in fact, just today, i gave two linux books and a burned (legal) copy of my favorite flavor to a guy at work...

its a very interesting study..."the bible vs linux"...they are both "open source"...they are both pretty much free (just need to invest time in both...other than the computer, i suppose)...but i think what really catches me is that they are both evangelical...i say that because Christianity is quite obviously evangelical...but it is somehow more PC to talk about linux. not that i'm about being PC as that has always been something i have tried to challenge and push the limits on (some areas of PC are a joke to me...and i have to challenge things that just don't make sense)...weird. so i'm not about being PC...but it is easier to talk about linux. is it more socially acceptable to talk about linux? not sure. i do know that when i bring up Christianity at work...whether provoked or not...i tend to get nervous...probably red in the face and a fun little sheen shows up on my forehead...but yeah...i'm also ok with "growing pains"...hmm...yeah...that's one of my primary internal discussions of late...i know i'm supposed to be working/living to glorify God...which I can do through knowing the Word as well as knowing what gifts I have been given and using them to the fullest (my utmost for His highest?) of my ability...i suppose it's just a fine balance...ensuring that the different areas of my life are in check.

fun...kindergarten discussion...these are the things going on inside my mess of color laden hair (it's dead...why not add some color to it?). i need to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and get some more coffee into my belly...

why don't more people blog? is everyone afraid to share their thoughts with the world? i was a little apprehensive about posting my first blog...but i just on the Screamer @ Hume....just do it. not like the nike commercial...but like ben stiller in starsky and hutch where he dresses up like the EYE-talian guy in the green sweat suit with the huge side burns..."hey...DO IT" haha...i love that line. but yeah...i'm really curious as to why there aren't more of these. i'm sure everyone has their private little journals...whether a physical book or on some random, myspace-esque server in silicon valley...pouring out thoughts...that you can see visibly, tangibly in front of just helps...i'm sure all the shrinks in the room agree...never mind the fact that i'm alone now...

man, i chewed the poo outta my tongue last night while eating pizza @ family night...ouch...i'm not a fan of the day-after the tongue biting swollen, dulled pain sometimes bleeding tongue thing. doesn't mix well with hot, strong coffee...bah.

running out of intelligent things to tired after not enough sleep to want to say something unintelligent (beyond what has already been schpielled on this page....)

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

...another title... (ported from myspace)

so i'm not really sure where all i'm going with this, but i'm inspired to say. that's it...just say. just reading a message and found this "Go with your gut Kyle... That part of life is more simple than we think... " and i liked it. not that i didnt like it the first time i read it...just that i like having things/words/people/places/whatever around me that make me think. simple...i like to think. i like people who think...who question...who don't just use windows (not that there is anything wrong with using windows...well...yeah SKIP that topic for now)...but the ones that wonder...that ponder and allow their thoughts to travel...and just kinda hang on for the ride sometimes. the mind is a wonderful thing and i'm personally really enjoying finding out about mine...though i don't always find what i wish i's almost like Christmas...but not. here's a quickie...i like computers...always have. not sure why...but we just get along (not worth questioning) i have this almost-innate sense that anything computers and me...we should just get along. but that's not always the case. i can get by on computers...i'm a pretty good "end user" of most things...and even a darn good "key user"...wherein i have a specialty in a particular app or suite and i can troubleshoot/become extremely proficient in using/help others with them...but i'm not a programmer. i dabble in shell scripting...but i guess it's just not my thing...i like some of the things it can do for me, but i'm not absolutely enthralled with it. i like having the ability to build a script that will install all the apps i use frequently on my well as update my computer with all of the little latest and greatest patches and whatnot via a cron job...that's cool...

i digress...anyways...yeah, i've found that (and i think it was quite a revelation) i'm just not always going to be THE MAN when it comes to computers...and i guess i need to come to terms with that (pretty much have already...just kinda sorting through the detritus that is my brain and diggin up the few pieces that are worth working with...and running with them.) life is so funny at times and so freaking frustrating at others...(re: all my other blogs)'m fun...i like having fun...i love making others laugh and feel's just me. frustrating...not being good enough at something/trying hard enough at something/whatever to satisfy others (something that gets driven into my head here at work over and over and over...yada yada... again every day)

music freakin rocks. listening to angels and airwaves right now...and it just "get's me off"...there's not much in this wonderful world that God built that compares...that's one of the reasons i love worshiping at church...theres just something about it...when it all hits...the mood (i sound like a woman, ugh)...the melody...the person leading's like nothing else...i remember when i saw third day @ the del mar fairgrounds during their set at last year's spirit west coast set...i knew all the words...they were rocking...everyone was praising God...that's what it's all about...that's great...people just loving on God... stepping to the side...weird when all those same people are walking out of the stadium...they all (including me, most of the time) lose the whole mentality that they had just two minutes ago...when it was them, the band and God...everyone's pushing and shoving to get out...and that whole sentiment doubles once folks are in their cars...kinda sucks. why do we have to be like that? why do we just suck sometimes... it sucks to just BLAME it on the ever-present humanity that we all to just call it sin...something about us that we have to deal with...asking for forgiveness sucks...(especially from God). not that i'm opposed to it, as we are always going to have something to ask forgiveness for...but dang...every day. i fail every day...sometimes even before i'm fully awake...i'm the biggest grouch in the mornings, no matter how much sleep i've had...whatever.

so yeah...i love "stumbling" around on the 'net. it's great...there's so much interesting stuff out there. i'm not so good at going through a 10 page technical how-to on installing the latest and greatest KXdocker from binary...or taking the time to build a package for it that might help others do the same... (i'm probably good at that...but i'm going to blame that on my job..where i deal with numbers and fixing stuff on the 'puter all day...every day...that's a bummer...maybe i need a hands on job so I can still go home and play with the stuff i enjoy?) so fun at! fun...snow patrol rocks...should go see them tomorrow night at the wiltern...hmm...

that's about the end of it for now...streams only last so long...:)'s to try to stay in the mindset of just writing vs writing FOR someone...or TO someone...writing wrocks! that's another thing....i was actually commended (not sure it was said in a positive sense, but that's how i'm going to take it) for my use of "prose", ie, work terminoligy used in a very grandeloquent fashion...haha. it's great to be almost sarcastic when telling someone/everyone about this or that makes me laugh sometimes...but more often than not, that's just the only thing i can do that doesnt involve quitting on the spot. i'm going to i'm trying not to complain...even if it's only to my blog.


Currently listening:
We Don't Need to Whisper
By Angels and Airwaves
Release date: 23 May, 2006

Monday, September 18, 2006

normalized (ported from myspace)

i'm not sure if i just gave up on work or what...but it sure has been a lot less stressful lately. I'm not sure if it's just because i haven't been doing as much or if i have just come to terms with the fact that i know i can't get everything done even if i work 12hrs a day. i have put in my fair share of long days in an attempt at getting the work done...and i have made some dents in it here and there but i found that doing that was a conflict of my work ethic and my work-life balance theory. i really do believe that one should make every effort to keep work at work and to keep it from affecting the personal side of life. that has been a struggle of late and a struggle that i'm not completely sure which side i'm on.

i'm a fan of work...i'm pretty good at what i do...i usually like what i do...and i think it will settle down within the next few months, but i'm still unsure as to whether or not this experience changed how i do work. i guess recapping the events of late is about all i have to let out on "normal" days...weird. i figured that i might not have a whole lot to say...i guess i'm just really curious as to what work is going to look like when i'm only doing one job instead of the ever-nebulous 2.3523234 is so weird not really knowing what my priorities are at work. so weird just being at work and knowing that even if i didnt go home...and didnt really sleep that much...i still wouldnt get all of it done. feels helpless most of the time...the rest of the time, i'm just too busy doing the work to realize that life...and work...and opportunities to actually pause and make the place better...actually fix the problems...actually implement my good ideas...are just passing me by. i think that i really do get my enjoyment out of work through the improvements that i make...through the 1 time per month (or 3 months...whatever) that i get the acknowledgement that i'm doing a good job. maybe that's just what happens when it's like this. i think i really do drop more work and probably get in "trouble" (if that could ever happen) more than i get "props". i guess i wonder if i can ever get back to the point where i'm satisfied with just getting the job done, unnoticed or if i will forever be in this pseudo world that is work where everything has to be humorous because if i really took it seriously, i would either just walk out or i would stay and work 16hr days 6.5 days/week.

getting a raise is humorous at this is piled high...things are falling to the floor...maybe, just maybe somebody else sees the light...sees that we are doing 4 jobs with just under two full time people...and that the responsibility for covering the balance falls on me. that's weird....i'm the only full time person in this department (i laugh at the mention of it being called a department in the fragmented state that it is in today)...i feel that no one really thinks i'm going to get back to them when they ask me a question...that it really wouldnt matter if i stayed or went as the productivity level that i work at varies so much day to day...hour to hour...even minute to minute...i digress...i suppose that's the point of this strange blog...not sure if i'm typing public or is just to let out something...more of a curiousity of whether or not there is anything worth see if i have anything worth saying at i have said it all before....just in a different order. news on the forefront: business trip to costa rica in october without sok...good and bad i suppose...a vacation that would have been great to share with her as well as (more than likely) much needed time apart. we live together work together (albeit in different ends/businesses of the plant) together, sleep together...the whole yeah...unsure of what that trip is going to look like. maybe it's my solitary answer to the annual "girls trip" that has been toned down from the all out (pre kyle) party in the (early kyle) party in miami/south this year's scottsdale, az trip...i guess it's supposed to be a spa/relaxation trip. dunno...not thinking that a trip like that...with the history there is going to be fully acceptable...ever?...i guess i'll have to "noodle" on that one. work sayings crack me up. "one sentence, no prose" i've got your teeth, please. ugh. anyways...this is a positive sentence...costa rica...linux? we are cutting over to a new linux based tracking system instead of our current unix one. i guess the HP-UX licensing fees were price-prohibitive. the new "low cost" server fits our corporate theme of using low-cost slave labor in previously management staffed roles (oh, that's me)...haha i love this place. i guess i really am linux...a low cost version of unix...:) the way things are going lately and by these parallels...i think i might have to go with bill gates...( i hear that campbells (yeah, the soup company) is the new chlorox...brush up the resume..."sell myself"...something that PnG has trained me well at)...

heck with doing the work. seriously. i'm totally convinced that i could spend my day doing 3 things (in 2hrs/day) that "make headlines" at work...and probably don't really DO anything...and get all sorts of praise and i would end up being better off than if i spent all day doing the 16 things that were really the best for the business. so strange...i suppose that it would probably (maybe) catch up with me eventually. i don't think i would get any satisfaction out of that anyways. pays better though. haha.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

why (ported from myspace)

why a subject...that's all, nothing serious. anyways...we just returned from my cousin paul's wedding and it was great. it really helped me to see how much they love eachother and how much they have sacrificed for eachother. it was really made me think...what is the purpose of my life? not that i'm trying to dress up the eternal question of "what is the meaning of life?" or something along those lines, though i fear it will be/should be tossed in that same barrel. so anyways...i was driving home and just started thinking. normally after weddings, women tend to be all gooey and excited about the passion that the couple shared and how lovely this or that was...yada yada...all too predictable and all too true to laugh at. so yeah...i was running through all of those kinds of things in my mind...just so i would not be suprised by any oohs or aahs...and i started thinking about marriage.

suprisingly (or not, i'm still not sure), i think about it a lot. that is another one of the inevitable resultant emotions that come out of it quickly turned from that into more of an internal...what is the purpose of my life "thought session"'s pretty important to ponder such topics, as that is really what we are here to do...y' fulfill our do what we are here to do what God made us to do...yeah. so i was thinking...i really don't DO much with my life. I go to work...which i'm not too stoked on at the moment...i make money...i go home...possibly stop here and there and spend some of the aforementioned moneys on this or that inconsequential phone...apples...sure, all good things. get yeah, you know the drill. i guess i kinda felt that for the first bit of being a Christian, i had some time to ramp up...and to get my feet ease into it and find my place. i'm ok with makes sense...but now...i have been a Christian now for about a year and a half...almost 2 yrs...and i really don't think i'm too much better off than i was then. not that i havent made progress...but branches that bear no fruit will be trimmed (i'm paraphrasing a bit on that one)...yeah.

so where's my outreach? where's my ministry....not that i need a following or anything crazy like that...but my interaction with church is currently limited to sundays and the standard wednesday class. i'm going to make an honest effort to get into a small group/home group...but they kinda scare me. i guess my recent experience with them portrayed them to be more of a social group...i don't need more things in my life that make me feel comfortable...or feel good about myself...or feel like i'm a "good" Christian...i'm really looking for good solid friends and good solid folks to tell me that i'm not doing too well in this area and that (i have a few friends that do that for me and it's the best and the worst thing...i tell myself that some of the things that i do are not ok...and i do work through them internally very frequently...and i have made some progress...but i'm definitely still a work in progress and i NEED reality checks from folks to keep me grounded...there is already way too much BS (balogna sticks, right?) in the world to induldge in more of the same...intentionally) yeah. home group? small group? i guess i'm looking for God to reach out and pull me in...or to open the right door...i'm a n003 in this area...and what i have seen has not been promising...ugh. i'm sick of myself..

...and i should be looking for a new job...but that is a whole seperate topic for a whole seperate internal discussion...dunno....bla! here goes another pale attempt at sleep before another ridiculous week of PnG.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

tell ya later.../louder with earplugs in...(ported from myspace)

soooooooo....what is the point of all this? there are times, when driving down the road or when lying in bed...when one feels the urge to do what society tells us not to do...logic tells us not to fact, pretty much everything that is this world that we live in tells us not to do some pulling a hard right when driving eastbound parallel to a chain link fence surrounding a military base (not that there's much that's special about a military base, per se) walking into the living room naked as the "in laws" are making there is so much disconnect between the world that we see on TV...the world that we are expected to live in...the mini world that is ecosystem...a food chain...a social drama unto itself...and the church. i guess i can't even really comment that there is disconnect between this and that, because that would imply that i feel ownership or part of any church. i don't have a church. sure, i go to calvary community church in westlake more often than not...and i know a few people there...but it is no CHURCH. a church is a living breathing dynamic is not one is not the place where people come and go on sundays...and the occasional wednesday for an organized's a place where people go and feel at home...they give and receive counsel from friends...friends and family. not that anyone there has to be's how people move and flow. i don't get that at calvary. i feel isolated...i feel as though i am a visitor in some world that is so distant from "church" that it is as though i am on another planet...

this is not about church though...i am not awake after being in bed (sad as that is...) because of church. it is really that first thought that pulled me back out here. what am i doing here. i'm not sure what my purpose is...i don't feel like reading a purpose driven life. that book has done a lot of good for a lot of people..i'm just not getting direction. possibly it is the wise words of a friend who suggested that my pathetic excuse for a christian life (in that i live with my girlfriend and still have the gall to attend church, carry a Bible, pray and call myself a Christian)...was the root of all of the tension in my life. not that i'm totally in disagreeance with her, but i guess i'm just too much of a hard head to give everything over at once. i have made some progress...albeit back to a "normal" lifestyle relative to the mild nature of others...hmmm...i'm just not sure what the deal is i guess. i'm not feeling God in my life...i'm off i'm's rough. either that or i'm just weak. i know that's the case, too...i can try...and in doing so, achieving this and whom the merit is given...i don't know. work is just plain lame. i work one notices...i do one notices...i complain about how hard i work...nothing changes...i don't complain about working one notices...why not just not work hard and have the same people not notice? or better yet...why not just not work on the 'net all day...and probably get more credit for the one thing that i did is lame. it's actually almost the opposite of real...i would call it completely fake. so weird. if i just didnt do any work...but did the 4 things that people would notice (though they really did nothing for the company) i would probably get a raise. however...if i sat back and found the 4 things that would do the most for the company, i would probably get close to getting fired for the 3 things within the 4 that did not go exactly that's what i would call a messed up "rewards system" LoL. so what i end up doing is oscillating back and forth between the two extremes...monday i spend 14hrs busting my booty fixing the leftovers from someone else's completely botched and half-@$$'d effort at a huge task...with nothing but complaints all around. i was not able to deliver what i normally would have done on any other day...but considering the circumstances and the magnitude of the possible impact of the issue...i rocked it. tuesday i was tired from the previous day so i barely managed to make any headway on resolving the aforementioned issue after patching up the current day's duties...and today...i made some actual progress again...another notch on the belt against the issue...but still not on par with most normal days. so what do i end up with? i'm drained at the end of the day...i delivered less net benefit to the company than a normal, uneventful day...but in the end, i did what was best for the company having now spend ~33hrs fixing someone else's hurricane leftovers...not that it's horrible's tedious..i'm the man for the job as i know the data better than anyone at the site...but can folks get to the point where the actual work that needs to be done doesnt even get base recognition. seriously...i will get chewed out tomorrow for not having everything "back to base" though i have done everything in my power to get things back to normal. i'm just not sure where to go with this whole thing...

SAP skills are highly transferrable and i have a fun new role coming in november (if it ever gets here...oh when oh when will it..??) that should add quite a bit of flexibility, opportunity for travel and great opportunity to grow my skills (though i'm still uncertain as to the benefit to the financial bottom line for this KAF) that's the game. i burn my candle o' passion down to the nub at work...leaving nothing left for home...i'm drained of all my passion, as it goes so unnoticed at work (and most of the time at home, though that be a completely seperate schpiel)...ugh!! yeah...let me at that chain link fence...g'bye i come o' kitchen o' my in laws! asklnklsdasgagslkglnskasdlkhgsnklnklgasdnklgsagksgslnkkjlgskljgsaslkj

Thursday, August 03, 2006

computers (ported from myspace)

I'm still not sure what to think about computers...first, i learn to dislike them (while at work for 8-15hours/day)...then i go home and the first thing that I want to do is to jump on the computer or to pickup one of my linux books or whatever...i'm kind of curious as to what the allure is to me...i really like when stuff is free (cause paying for stuff is painful and oftentimes does not yield the same level of results...brings to mind the sacrifice Jesus made for he was able to pay for something with his body that we could never pay for...i wonder if getting stuff for free is some innate desire that we have, as we innately understand that we NEED that which cannot be purchased...another person's love...the blood of Jesus...friends...etc) and i really like when stuff is cool/interesting/fun/produces nice results...all the while challenging me to stretch my brain and build myself.

breaking this down yet another level...i like linux. i'm going to start there...(now)...hmm...i have been on a computer for longer than i can remember. i really don't even remember life without a computer. i think our first one showed up around age 5....but that was a mac. back to linux...i guess what appeals to me is that it is a computer OS that not everyone knows. (including me). i like having problems arise...that i do not already know how to fix. windows used to bug me because problems would show up...i would know how to fix it...and it would just take way too freaking long...but with linux...once i know how to fix's usually pretty's free...has a HUGE variety of communities for support and people that use linux are generally of the hIgher Quality intellect. i find that fascinating. it is cool to find a group of folks who are smart...working on the same thing....motivated by a common interest...not getting paid (i have found that not getting paid is huge in this picture...where else do you find coders motivated by interest? usually people who are enrolled in the work force tend to lose motivation, whether it be by a lack of inspiration, management stifling their creative muscles, boring office environment or what have just seems to go downhill once the funds start flowing...maybe i'm in the wrong line of work??).

anyways...people who run linux usually have a pretty strong desire to learn and to improve that which they are learning. me? i really dig linux. i'm really starting to ramp up on the learning curve...and i'm really digging it. i do still have a dual boot computer at home, with a legal, purchased version of MS windo$e XP MCE 2005, but i haven't really booted to it in quite awhile. i am still having a few issues getting linux to do all the things i want it to, but for the most part, i feel really, really comfortable with it and am getting pretty good at tweaking, breaking, fixing...rinse wash repeat...linux. i am a slow learner, though.

i feel hampered of late by work. i work too much...or just get too frustrated by work to spend quality time in linux. i have been digressing quite a bit at work...we have 2 huge programs here at work, that work together and they are both based on unix...which linux is derived from. so it's great being able to reapply some of my newly acquired knowledge of linux to these systems...and to be able to have a better of computers and their guts at the same time...but i have really been focusing on what i enjoy at work...which is not necessarily my job. not that it matters...i suppose that i should focus on what i'm good at...but i really do still need to get my job done and do what i'm actually getting paid to do...whatever. work is really kinda secondary to me. feels weird saying that...but i really don't have too many qualms about not having my job. i feel so demotivated when i come to work. i am inspired infrequently...usually when talking with someone else about their issues and what I can do to help resolve them. blah. why am i talking about work...i get tired just talking about it. i'm still exploring this curiosity that the Lord has brought into my life and doing my best to explore this desire to the fullest...i'm actually kind of excited as to where this path will lead career? start a business? i have no idea...just know that work...i can't even say that it's the actual work..but more of the people...or the really killing me. i wish i had the same passion to find a new job as i do to explore on the computer at home. that's kinda weird though. i know that God gave me the tools that I need to do the job that he put me here to do...i just need to figure out what the job is...and why me? haha. why anything, i guess...if you're going to ask why at all...start there. blarg...

Xplore Xwindows Xtremely Xcited Xactly Xasperated Xtremely Xtatic

way past my bedtime (time to go home)

maybe i just need to get some good solid old fashioned sleep? maybe i'm getting too much sleep...i don't really think there's a difference in how the day goes by...just changes the amount of stuff that i get done in a day.

project for when i get home...figure out what crashed on the ol' linux box...upgraded to the almost beta KDE 3.4.5 for kubuntu overnight...yay! good times.... >sudo apt-get remove kde< : )

lol (ported from myspace)

"...Of course, the plebian cp can be used as well, but we Unix sysadmins love to use cryptic commands to complete relatively simple tasks. That's what seperates us from mortal users..." - pg 122

plebian: (plebeian)

1. Of or relating to the common people of ancient Rome: a plebeian magistrate.
2. Of, belonging to, or characteristic of commoners.
3. Unrefined or coarse in nature or manner; common or vulgar: plebeian tastes.

Currently reading:
Running Linux
By Matthias Kalle Dalheimer
Release date: 01 December, 2005

Thursday, July 20, 2006

blogarhythmic growth (ported from myspace)

to blog or not to blog, that is definitely not the question. i'm so lame. so here's the premise of this whole deal...i think that for the most part, i just use these things as outlets...just to vent about whatever is going on in my tiny little pea brain...whatever's making me hot under the collar...who ever is bothering me or whatever is threatening to drive me nutz. it dawned on me the other day that i'm really kind of a schmuk and that i have tons wrong with me that i don't talk about. yeah, i'm not sure where that leaves me, but i'm going to give it a shot.

i'm totally frustrated with me, actually. it really bugs me how little self control I really have (not sure if i'm just under the illusion that i don't have control...nah, i'm probably just weak in the head)...i think i do ok for the most part, but when it comes to some things, i'm just plain weak. maybe i'm just a little down because of some of the reading i have been doing lately. (going to get the Book)....again...i am reading ecclesiastes. i'm thinking that it's not really for any reason in particular...but i find myself jumping from book to book frequently, as they are all so interesting. anyways...solomon is writing about how meaningless life futile our actions on earth are. he was pretty much THE man of his day...he could have any woman, could buy anything, could go anywhere he wanted...and he found that knowledge and wisdom were a few of the best things to seek out. so he looks for them..."the greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. to increase knowledge only increases sorrow" yeah...i'm not sure. the book spins in almost every direction...he tries everything...basically searching for the meaning of life. everything is futile...except for seeking God. he realized that everything in his life is from God...good and bad. knowledge and wisdom are both things to be sought after...though God is the only one who will have all of the knowledge and will always have the most wisdom. bah. weird book.

i'm thinking that it wasn't ecclesiastes that got me into this...hmm...i think it was ephesians. there's a whole bunch of stuff in there about living as God intended us to live, loving on everyone and living to please God. I fall short in that so often. whether it is me giving in to the desires of the flesh...or spending money on things that really don't do anything other than give me pleasure (new's...gps antennae...hmmm....yeah) so it's pretty lame. i'm not sure why God wants me for anything.

narrowing it down some...eph 4:17-5:20. it pretty much's how you used to live...but you should live like this...and goes on to say how we are to be tenderhearted and helpful, good, encouraging...loving, of course...forgiving, imitate God, no sexual immorality (which i'm personally still seeking a good description of...probably still searching because i know that i'm not going to find anything that's really something that i want to hear...bah...i suck again)...we should determine what pleases the Lord and do that. anyways...feeling a little guilty...a little umm...convicted, i suppose. bah...i hate woe is me pleas poo

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

freelegallinuxgamesmusickylestuffblah (ported from myspace)

so is odd. i have definitely come to terms with the fact that i'm a pretty pathetic excuse for a Christian...but in knowing that, i am forced to do something about it. anyways...this tale started on sunday. i was in church and pastor brad was preachin' on matthew...particularly on the beAtitudes.

so anyways...i really love just reading the bible while in's an amazing thing to me to sit back and just look up verses and to see, visually, all laid out in front of me just how everything in the Bible ties together. it's sooo great. getting back to the storyline...i started reading the whole sermon on the mount (math ch5-7). so i read the whole thing. i go through different periods in my life when different verses or songs or people...or anything really...just touches me (haha...not like that). the sermon on the mount really reached out and grabbed me. i read through each section...and it just kicked my butt how direct, how confrontational the verses are and how "in your face" Jesus was. it was cool to see.

um...soo...i guess what really hit me was that i have been focusing on sex for a long time. i really haven't stopped to look back on how i live my daily life. i have been using an illegal copy of win xp media center edition...whatever programs i want...i'm pretty pathetic. if there was any possible way for me to load something that i might use...ever...i would pretty much just download it and install it. is a kind of drug. it's a strange social power. so...i finally decided to just go with linux. i deleted about 120gigs of music, spent about $135 yesterday buyin some used CDs...deleted another 15 gigs or so of illegal apps...threw away ~30 burned xbox games...nuked my program backups (which would make a great science experiment if anyone's looking for one)...yeah. it's a very liberating experience. amazing how much that junk was weighing on me. it was more of a subconcious oppression...but it was so weird how sunday hit me that way.

sokny actually brought up all my other illegal stuff (apps/music/dvds/xbox games) we were walking out to the car...and how bad all that stuff i have been battling (yes, battling) with linux...trying to get on a legal operating system...and i have beentrying to get my cups printing server working on kubuntu, so we could have the same functionality in our new OS as in win...and pretty much just killed my install. now, it doesnt boot and i'm trying to determine which direction to go. back to the start of this whole of the other verses that hit me was the "golden rule" - do unto others as you would have them do unto you (which, i'm told is now obsolete...and has been replaced with "do unto others as they would have done unto themselves"...very similar, but in a more progressive sense). so yeah. maybe i'm pathetic...shallow...unable to really grasp even the most basic of human ethics and morals...but sunday...this hit me.

yeah. so i'm thinking about unto others as you would have them do unto you. pretty basic. but APPLIED? i'm thinking about it in daily life. driving down the road. some guy cuts me off...maybe he's driving slow. what do i do? get frustrated. tailgate...pass him nervously on the right. but then again...STOP. what if he's having a horrible day? what if he's in a peaceful mood, introspective...pondering whether or not he should kill himself? maybe he needs space, maybe he's imperfect? maybe he's...human? just like me? maybe i should just love on him.

reminds me of a casting crowns song...if we are the body...why aren't his hands reaching...why aren't his words teaching...why aren't his hands healing? the basic sentiment of the song is that if we are the body of Christ (which we, as the church are), then why aren't we out in the world helping, healing, loving, teaching folks about God? would God/Jesus get upset if someone cut him off? doubt it. even when the Romans were all up on him, taking his life, he first thought about how God should forgive the people..."for they know not what they do" so what if we lived life like that? what if we lived such amazing, pure lives that people stopped and couldn't help but to notice how different (in a good way) we were. what if we were the ones who didnt smoke/drink/download music/speed/get mad at the wife, etc etc. i want to be that person...

so here i go...into a new week (yeah, i know it's already tuesday)...with a wonderful new attitude and some good perspective on life. i definitely know that i need to read the Bible i have some improvements going on in my life...i should get a tatoo..."work in progress" that's probably not going to long as i'm human.

peas oud jo!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

commit...something (ported from myspace)

so the topic of commitment has been placed on the table. it's weird...the other day, i heard that it was brought up that i'm not ready to "commit" in the relationship. i guess that's just a shocker to me, because i'm pretty much Mr. Commitment. i'm all about looking for a wife and not just someone to hang out with for the current week/day/whatever. so yeah, it came as a shock to me. i guess the bottom line is that sok is ready for a ring and i'm not ready to give it to her.

i'm still not convinced that i'm not commited. let's see what webster says..."com·mit·ment Pronunciation (k-mtmnt)
1. The act or an instance of committing, especially:
a. The act of referring a legislative bill to committee.
b. Official consignment, as to a prison or mental health facility.
c. A court order authorizing consignment to a prison.
a. A pledge to do.
b. Something pledged, especially an engagement by contract involving financial obligation.
3. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family."'s applikashun falls under number 2a and 3. (little aside haha about 2a...that's funny stuff in the context of the current discussion...i guess 1c could be funny too...or maybe not so funny...hmm). anyhow...number 3. yeah, so i'm bound emotionally and intellectually to the relationship. i have a profound commitment to her. I think it's to the point where i'm feeling obligated (a. A social, legal, or moral requirement, such as a duty, contract, or promise that compels one to follow or avoid a particular course of action.) to propose and that somehow, there is now a sense of urgency to the matter. that's where it gets back to the lack of health derived from the female biological clock. (detrimental to the relationship).

hmm yeah....i'm not sure that i really had much to say about commitment, except that i'm commited to the relationship...but it is being spread about that i'm not... because i haven't purchased a (really freakin expensive) ring. haha. um yeah. so i have trust issues and i dont want to "take the plunge" until i'm totally sure that this chick proves her saltiness and i'm not there yet. bottom freakin line. :P anyhow...i'm thinking that i might just have a chronic issue with humans in general and that i will never be satisfied with someone else (or myself, for that matter...i'm pretty much worthless)., on with the show
this complete waste of time was sponsored by your local sleep deprivation clinic (i'm sooooooo in need of a good night's rest...) blarhrl'aslkj

Currently listening:
In Your Honor
By Foo Fighters
Release date: 14 June, 2005

Friday, March 31, 2006

beautiful day (ported from myspace)

Chris Cagle - What A Beautiful Day

Day one, I stumbled through hello on fifth avenue.
Day two, we grabbed a bite to eat and talked all afternoon.
Caught a movie on day fourteen.
And day 67 she said I love you to me.

Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day, what a beautiful day.

Day 116, I asked her what she was doing for the rest of my life.
Day 189, oh I almost lost that girl to my foolish pride.
She said I do on day 482.
And gave me a son on day 761.

Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day.

Day 18,253, well honey, that's 50 years yeah here's to you and me.

Yeah what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
Yeah what a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day. What a beautiful day.

Day one, I thank God I said hello on fifth avenue.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

relationships are... (ported from myspace)

woopee doo...another valentines day i'm really tired of this feeling that I always have to make the person who i'm in a relationship with happy. it's so one-sided. everyone that's reading this probably knows me well enough to know that i'm all about the person who i'm in a relationship with and I think that normally, that is a totally healthy perspective/attitude to have in a relationship. I'm actually a pretty big fan of doing stuff for the person i'm with. I love making my woman feel special, feel like she is the only person on the planet that i want to be with and to just barrage her with suprises and kisses and a variety of other forms of affection. i think this relationship is slowly killing that aspect of me...and I hate that. i feel like when I do something (suprises or whatever), it's almost an expectation. like...i'm just meeting the minimum criteria for being in the relationship...however, on the flipside, when she does something for me, it has to be the biggest suprise ever and I spend the next four hours saying thank you for whatever it was that she did. i'm sure this is probably just an over reaction to something that happened today, as today is supposed to be a special, romantic day...but i'm really burned out on suprises to tell you the truth. feels like today is a day where i have to prove that i can go above and beyond what i normally i have to earn my place in this relationship. i just want to cry on days like feels like yet another holiday...birthday...anniversary...whatever the special occasion (unless it's my bday), it's my job to go above and beyond and plan a special get her the "right" gift...whatever. i'm so tired of how hard i have to work internally (in my head, working through this pile of BS or that pile...), being the only person in the relationship trying to work through issues...and bringing up issues, i sum it up...i'm tired of TRYING soooooo much harder than she. again, i'm sure this is a matter of perspective, but :( poor me, eh? that was pretty pathetic. yeah, now i'm at the bottom of the list of anyone who's reading this. no big deal. you're the one who came into my blog and decided to read yet another unadulterated excerpt from my messed up brain. ya have to give me credit for consistancy, eh? consistantly blurting out my thoughts when i'm the most upset...when i'm totally caught up in the moment...when i'm at my weakest. i'm not sure that's necessarily a good thing, but that's what it is. that i have purged the majority of the frustrations from my brain...i'm going to take a step back and see if there's something to all this. y'know what's funny...maybe not awhile back, i started tracking "good days" and "bad days" in the context of the relationship and i found a very strange trend. typically, i average 50% almost right down the middle, good vs bad. then, i guess i get to the point where i'm totally fed up with the whole mess and I just let it go...i usually end up bringing it up late in the night, when i can't sleep because i'm so frustrated with the relationship (which happens quite a bit) and i see her sleeping there, like nothing is wrong...and i wake her up and start talking. those conversations usually consist of me talking...then she will interject some sort of argument for her position...i get mad at her interrupting me when i was just getting started...then i finish what i was saying...she is already upset and closed off because i got mad at her...she says sorry and that the whole mess was her fault (a pity plea, if you ask me)...i feel like an ass for bringing up what would have been a valid point...and that's about the end of it. after those kind of "emotional releases", we usually do really well for about a week...maybe a little more. i'm not sure why...i guess that means that we do well until enough crap has built up in my head for me to get lost in it without too much incentive from her (this morning, i was upset because she was wearing a hoodie thing that zipped down, with only a bra underneath...i thought it was a little scandalous, she got pissed at my comment and BAM!...all of the sudden V-day is least, so far it is). so i guess i'm either to the point in the relationship where i don't feel like it's worth it to suffer this much and it's something about the chemistry between us...or i'm just messed up in the head and not fit for any relationship.
i usually feel like women suck off and on, as men and women have an innate lack of understanding of eachother, but i don't think it should be like THIS. so...we are averaging less than 50% good days with an occasional non-productive emotional outburst from yours truly. good...bad...?? i have no freakin idea. is god just challenging me with this relationship or is he saying "abandon ship!!" that's the interesting thing about the bible...through it's verses, any situation can be interpreted as a "learning, growing experience" or as a "sign from God". blarg! i'm weak. i'm going to pray after i finish this.
more learnings? um...yeah, i guess this is just good food for thought for me...wipe the slate clean by pouring all the junk out on this page...and churn up some new conclusions to start off the thoughts for the new day.
work? is it a bad thing for work to be number 1? personally, i think work is just a means to an end. it's a place where we go to make money. that's the primary reason. if we didnt get paid, we wouldnt go to work, bottom line. 2. we go to work to glorify god through our steadfastness and commitment to doing the job we are doing as well as we can. 3. work is a great place to spread God's word to other folks. i have heard from many a retiree that it's the people that made the job great all these years. fair enough, but we're not here for eachother's company...but for the money. sucks. it comes, it goes...but it's really just another flat tire, another rusty quarter panel...another decaying piece of life here on earth that just exemplefies human life. it's good for a bit...then it's not so good. when you have it, you want to spend it...then you dont have it...and you want more of it. on earth.
and with thoughts drift back to narnia. the last book (the last battle) ends in an interesting way. all of the kids from the previous books die right before the last battle. they go to narnia, but they are already dead on earth. some sort of train wreck. the end of the book, they go to heaven. they said that it looked like narnia, but better...more really made me think. what is heaven like? i know that God doesnt want me there how I am now, but that God wants the me there that is the me that I CAN be. i CAN be better. i am able to NOT have pre-marital sex...i'm just really lousy at NOT doing it. i'm a really bad perfect human. i wouldnt make a good Jesus...I drive too fast on the freeway...I curse...i'm not always as nice as i should be (not always lovin' on folks like i should be).
that reminds me of a verse i read earlier this week..."If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." -- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. so love should be the basis of our lives. it is often said that the ten commandments are all about love...four about loving god and 6 about loving others (i think that's the split). is all that stuff I just wrote a part of a loving relationship? am I being treated with love in the relationship and am I, on the flipside, treating her with love? i know that no matter what, there is going to be room for improvement...but it supposed to be this hard? that's something I often get caught up on...maybe God is just teaching me to love folks that are difficult to love. not that sokny is difficult to love all the time, but dang, sometimes she sure does rub the WRONG way.
i think i'm bipolar in this relationship and that has always struck me as day, i'm wondering why i wouldnt want to marry her...and the next day, i'm telling myself that i would be miserable in the relationship and that all she wants me for is to make cute kids for her (or duckies, as we call them). i'm wondering if that is something that is going to continue or if we are going to work through the issues that are causing all of the commotion and we will be able to kick it in the blissful portion of the relationship. i'm not deluded...i know that there are always going to be hard times, but i'm not willing to have to deal with stuff like i do now...for the rest of my life. so god just trying to teach me to love people when it's not easy? or is he saying get the heck off the train?
i think that this issue is on the brain even more lately with all of the pressure i'm getting to get her a ring. WTF is that all about anyways? (aside...after running, she tells me: i'm not trying to pressure you, but i was thinking...if we are going to get a ring eventually anyways...why can't you just get it now? that pressure or am i on crack?) i have told her many times that i don't want to get her a ring until i'm ready. i fully understand that thing are never going to be 100% right...but when is it settling and when is it just saying that we are going to have to work through the remaining issues? i have told her many, many, many times that her pressuring me or asking me to get her a ring before i'm ready is not just adds stress to the situation and clutters my brain. (really, i have enough to work through in my head without the extra emotional stress of an engagement ring right now). i don't feel like it should be an induced decision. would you want to marry someone that felt pressured into buying the ring? will i be pressured into the wedding as well? ...moving? ...not moving? i feel like relationships are all about supporting the other person in what they want to do, not the opposite.
i'm conflicted.
God...i am soooo ready for these learnings to be over...and for the real game to start. when is the real game? when do i find my purpose for being here? there is only one ME...God has me here for a reason...umm...i guess i'm just waiting for the right email, eh? i feel like i'm just reiterating the thoughts of every other person on earth...what is the meaning of
God: so...why did i put you on earth. Me: make sure that P&G makes as much off of each roll of toilet paper as possible and that i did my best at providing them with that data. SMILE! God: umm... Me: umm... yeah...

Thursday, February 09, 2006

work work revolution (ported from myspace), so in the bible, it says that we should all work hard to glorify god. i guess i have been pondering this a lot lately, as my job is not exactly 100% of what i would like it to be or probably even 100% of a full job, for that matter. my backfill in my previous role is out today...and it took me all of 1hr to do her stuff this morning...a few hours anyways...i guess my workload is finally ramping up, which is good, but it really feels like i'm just getting by, day to day...not really making any valid progress. um...i guess i need to restate that, or at least try to explain.
err...i feel like we have a bunch of people who don't do their jobs correctly all the time, then we have people who are paid to fix all of the little screwups that slip through the normal filters (i do a little of this)...then we have people that pretty much just sit around talking to people all day, "setting direction" as to how they want the business run (managers). so my role kinda falls right between the two factions. my role is that of a level2 mgr, while i am only getting paid as a level3 tech ( a hefty pay discrepancy, if i dont say so myself). i guess i'm really not that worried about the money...i've never been about making huge sums of cash...i just want enough so i can do what i want for the most part and just live life. i dont need to have a small fortune, a mansion and four wives...but i would like to be settled beyond the current pay period. anyways...the WHOLE purpose of this blog concept was to get out frustrations/confusion about god and his purpose for my life. in fact, sokny was helping me with this yesterday. we were talking about how i was feeling out of the loop at work, in a time where i really need to be in the loop, but that the people who are supposed to keep me in the loop don't care enough to make the effort to involve me (their loss, IMHO, but whatever). i was frustrated, saying that i should go find another job and that maybe god was encouraging me onward...past this job. she referred to one of my first favorite bible verses (rom 5:3, i think) that says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces hope and hope is basically what helps us to stay positive and keep believing in God (that he is good). that's a paraphrase...argh...let me see if i can find it in NIV..."3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ah yes, character...ya gotta have character.
anyways...yeah, so she brought that up and it really helped me to flip my mood around. i still vented to her (another topic, for another day, as it says in proverbs that only a fool let's his my fly off...which i kinda related to venting) for another hour or so, but in the end, it was really good for me. we talked through some work stuff and it ended up being a really positive situation. i still struggle with my purpose at work..not my lame job description, but my God-glorifying reason for existing on this planet, because, gosh darnit, there's only one of me and God put me here for a reason...i just need to do my best to strive towards that. arg...back to work...i will have to get back to this later or something...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

try talk (ported from myspace)

Category: Food and Restaurants very interesting. i think i'm actually a pretty boring as far as normal day to day conversations go. some people are good at making the day to day conversation...actually digging for the details (whether they are interested or not is a different story) and remembering stuff from the last time they talked (how was your vacation to bla bla? were you able to catch any rays?) i guess i strive for that sort of conversational expertise in that i do like getting to that level of conversation with people, i just have a hard time with it when i'm not really interested in what the person is doing. that's when i get to the "how's it goin'?"'s and the "'sup?"'s

sok and I went and heard max lucado speak at church this past weekend and he was basically echoing the thoughts of the author's of "Now, Discover Your Strengths". for the most part, it was that kinda speech, but he went to the next level. he was saying that not only should you find your strengths (god given gifts: talents, innate abilities, desires, etc), but you should strive to apply them to the best of your ability. and when you do naturally follows that you will enjoy yourself at work and in doing that, you will glorify god while at work (i know, that seems like quite a concept)...this is backed by scripture (i wanna say somewhere in corinthians...hold on...nevermind, i dont have it on my desktop). anyways...that sounds first...i have to discover my strengths (i guess that's where the book could help) and then, go find a job where I can best apply the gifts that God has given me so that I can make the most of my life (as max put it, there is only one of me in the world and there will only ever be one of i have to be the best me that I can the me that God wants/wanted me to be). and the best part is that when i find that job, i will be happier and i will enjoy what i do and be able to do it to the glory of God every day. wow...sounds like a plan to me, seeing as how 1:3 americans HATES their job and 80 perccent of americans do not feel energized or "enthuzed" about their job (per the aforementioned Max). hmm...i guess that's where i get lost. i can say that i'm pretty good with numbers...and that mechanical stuff comes pretty naturally to me...i guess computers are fine, too...i love reapplying someone else's hacks to phones...programs...mp3 players...anything electronics related and see it work...and help other people with it...but i'm not really sure where God wants me to go with these innate desires, skills and talents (no, not $1million dollars, i'm talking talent like talent show : ) oh i say all the time, at least i'm thinking about it...and that, in itself, is a step in the right direction. blarg. life is difficult...i guess that's why we should work hard at being christlike (see philippians 2:1-5) so we can go to heaven, where (after)life will be goooood.

i'm not sure where i'm going...with my life here on earth, but i sure am trying hard at something...i's what i do. oh...getting back to that first point of conversation. i guess i feel like i'm not that good at conversation, but that I am a pretty nice, friendly guy in general and that people like me (and i like people) BUT, i just suck at (what i deem to be) meaningful conversation. i think sokny is great at conversation (her and her brother, lao). i have told them this. in fact...sokny and i went to dinner with my grandparents on our way back from sean salehi's wedding (FYI, he's married, for those of you that might know him) and i learned more about my grandparents in that 3hr period than in the rest of my life (almost)...seriously...just being there, spending time with them and interacting. i didnt know that my grandma had her masters degree from USC or that they met at a presbyterian church much neat stuff...that's one of the reasons that i'm stoked about sokny. she is good for me. she stretches me. not that we don't have our issues...but (at least) we're talking about 'em. :D. um...yeah, so i'm just about's tuesday?...the 10th? 10 more days until seattle/ : )

Currently listening:
Chapter V
By Staind
Release date: 09 August, 2005