I don't really understand the inner workings of my mind. For the last 2 years, my brain has felt full, slow, overwhelmed and warm. Like someone squeezed a pack of handwarmers and set it in there under my brain...it's just too much.
First, the cancer. When I first found out I had cancer, it was so fast...from diagnosis to the right radical orchiotomy (removal of a testicle) that it was essentially a non-issue.
When it came back a few months later, I was excited because it meant time off work...and that should have been way more of a trigger than it was at the time. It was a relief that I didn't have to continue in the hell that work had become. Working 14 hours + per day as many days/week as I could fit in. So stressed out that I couldn't sleep more than a few hours per night which only made it that much worse.
Neither brains or bodies function well without enough sleep. The cancer coming back meant I had to undergo chemotherapy...I think it was a BEP cocktail bleomycin, etopside and cisplatin and boy was that gnarly stuff. It took all my energy away and made me feel sick. Truthfully, I was spared most of the terrible symptoms associated with chemo but it still wasn't much fun. I did have fun cracking jokes at people who instantly become overly sensitive about everything because chemo is awkward. I'm the same person...but my body has been poisoned...by doctors...on purpose...over and over and over for 9 weeks.
But yeah, I was happy for it. I gleefully drove out of the P&G Oxnard plant the day before chemo, absolutely stoked and feeling free as a bird. It was only supposed to be 9 weeks...then extended to 12 with a few weeks for recovery, but it felt amazing. To be honest, if I had to pick between staying at P&G in that role with that leadership team or chemo, I'd take chemo any day. It saved my life...and not just from cancer.
Before I was forced to take time off, the stress, the insanity of how much they put on me without any support felt normal. It sucked, yes...but it felt normal. Leaving for 2 months...3 months and what ultimately was 6 months was the best thing that ever happened because it was a long enough break that it showed me what life without stress was like. I wasn't as stressed about the cancer as I was about work. With cancer...through chemo and later, surgery, I was able to sleep fine. I was able to breathe fine without feeling like I had a bag of cement on my chest.
In the middle of chemo, I became sick and had a chest xray to check on that...and they found that the tumors in my lungs had not changed in size at all. Because I had a 'mixed' cancer, it was likely that it was going to require chemo and surgery to remove as half of the cancer responds to the chemo and half wouldn't. The lumps in my chest were the non-responsive type and required surgery.
Thankfully, all 3 tumors were in the lower lobe of my right lung which was removed (right lower lobectomy) at the skillfull hand of a da vinci robot, controlled by the leading surgeon in the field in Santa Monica, California. We were excited that the robotic surgery was an option as the alternative was to cut open an incision between two ribs and spread me open, making a larger scar, and required a longer time to heal.
The surgery wasn't stressful except for the hour or so leading up to it. Moving into the operating room was freaky and I definitely could have used some anti-anxiety medication but I went to sleep and woke up with stitches and a tube coming out of my lung. The details aren't important but suffice it to say that it went as planned and I was back up and at 'em in no time.
I returned to work a few months later and that's when it really hit home. Immediately, P&G resumed dumping work on me and the stress came back within a matter of days. It was as if I was watching the whole thing on TV. The amount of stress they put on each other and accepted there was comical. I had a hard time taking it seriously because it was just so absurd. Not so much because of what the work was but because of how they treated it.
Work is work and I have never had a hard time doing work...hard, dirty, long...whatever. Get it done and get on with it. But the way the leadership treated the rest of the staff there was embarrassing. That wasn't the company I grew up in or the kind of company I wanted to work for. I pushed back a bit as change only happens when people with vision drive the change and see it through to completion but I simply did not have the energy...physically or otherwise...to do that and I knew it.
The residual effects of the chemo would last nearly 2 years before I felt normal again and I was still in the very early stages of that process. Within 2 weeks of returning to work, it was clear that it wasn't going to be long term for me...even after spending more than 17 years with P&G. It blew my mind but I've never been one to linger or reminisce once a decision has been made.
I started lining up options and paving the road out of P&G. I was back at P&G just over 2 months before I put in my notice and left the company on April 27th, 2017.
With all that has transpired, my brain has changed. It feels like aging but I'm not willing to accept it. I attribute it to part chemical thrashing from the chemo. I'm not clear on how much of that is long term damage and how much is short term damage...or if this is even a factor. I don't think the much hyped detoxes actually do anything though it may be worth a shot.
Another part of this is just the sheer volume of stress crap that I've piled on over the last few years with the first round of cancer in 2015, the second round of cancer in 2016-17 including chemo and surgery, quitting P&G, the fire burning our house, moving, rebuilding...or something else? Relationship stress? Dunno. Life is crazy. I wish it came with a manual...but it would probably be wrong anyways...or I wouldn't read it :)
Sorting all of this out...maybe a blog or introspective journal is the right format, maybe not. I suppose it helps to talk through it with myself which is what I liken this to. Perhaps even better would be a therapist that knew the questions to ask, the pain points to look for and the roads leading outward and upward from it. It's not pain so much as it is just clutter in my head. It would be nice if I had a pressure release valve or lever I could pull to purge the buildup from my head.
I'm leaning into Tim Ferriss' books and podcasts for sharp lessons and poignant observations into life, functionality and effectiveness for clarity. Some of his stuff is great. Most is mediocre. That's life. Most of it is mediocre. Some of it is great...and that's ok. It's more likely that the mediocre stuff of his just isn't relevant or as relevant to me at this point in my life. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won't and that's ok, too.
I think daily journaling and some form of meditation would be helpful. Maybe I need to start taking my phone into the sauna after working out to listen to podcasts while I steam. That's another Tim thing...something about raising the core temp of the body after a workout to help it heal and minimize soreness after tough workouts. I'm leaning into daily protein shakes to minimize the muscle loss that seems to be eating away at my physique. Not sure why physique matters...I just want to be highly functional both at the mental and physical levels. Not so much to climb a mountain or run a marathon...but to hike what I want to hike, when I want to hike it.
First, the cancer. When I first found out I had cancer, it was so fast...from diagnosis to the right radical orchiotomy (removal of a testicle) that it was essentially a non-issue.
When it came back a few months later, I was excited because it meant time off work...and that should have been way more of a trigger than it was at the time. It was a relief that I didn't have to continue in the hell that work had become. Working 14 hours + per day as many days/week as I could fit in. So stressed out that I couldn't sleep more than a few hours per night which only made it that much worse.
Neither brains or bodies function well without enough sleep. The cancer coming back meant I had to undergo chemotherapy...I think it was a BEP cocktail bleomycin, etopside and cisplatin and boy was that gnarly stuff. It took all my energy away and made me feel sick. Truthfully, I was spared most of the terrible symptoms associated with chemo but it still wasn't much fun. I did have fun cracking jokes at people who instantly become overly sensitive about everything because chemo is awkward. I'm the same person...but my body has been poisoned...by doctors...on purpose...over and over and over for 9 weeks.
But yeah, I was happy for it. I gleefully drove out of the P&G Oxnard plant the day before chemo, absolutely stoked and feeling free as a bird. It was only supposed to be 9 weeks...then extended to 12 with a few weeks for recovery, but it felt amazing. To be honest, if I had to pick between staying at P&G in that role with that leadership team or chemo, I'd take chemo any day. It saved my life...and not just from cancer.
Before I was forced to take time off, the stress, the insanity of how much they put on me without any support felt normal. It sucked, yes...but it felt normal. Leaving for 2 months...3 months and what ultimately was 6 months was the best thing that ever happened because it was a long enough break that it showed me what life without stress was like. I wasn't as stressed about the cancer as I was about work. With cancer...through chemo and later, surgery, I was able to sleep fine. I was able to breathe fine without feeling like I had a bag of cement on my chest.
In the middle of chemo, I became sick and had a chest xray to check on that...and they found that the tumors in my lungs had not changed in size at all. Because I had a 'mixed' cancer, it was likely that it was going to require chemo and surgery to remove as half of the cancer responds to the chemo and half wouldn't. The lumps in my chest were the non-responsive type and required surgery.
Thankfully, all 3 tumors were in the lower lobe of my right lung which was removed (right lower lobectomy) at the skillfull hand of a da vinci robot, controlled by the leading surgeon in the field in Santa Monica, California. We were excited that the robotic surgery was an option as the alternative was to cut open an incision between two ribs and spread me open, making a larger scar, and required a longer time to heal.
The surgery wasn't stressful except for the hour or so leading up to it. Moving into the operating room was freaky and I definitely could have used some anti-anxiety medication but I went to sleep and woke up with stitches and a tube coming out of my lung. The details aren't important but suffice it to say that it went as planned and I was back up and at 'em in no time.
I returned to work a few months later and that's when it really hit home. Immediately, P&G resumed dumping work on me and the stress came back within a matter of days. It was as if I was watching the whole thing on TV. The amount of stress they put on each other and accepted there was comical. I had a hard time taking it seriously because it was just so absurd. Not so much because of what the work was but because of how they treated it.
Work is work and I have never had a hard time doing work...hard, dirty, long...whatever. Get it done and get on with it. But the way the leadership treated the rest of the staff there was embarrassing. That wasn't the company I grew up in or the kind of company I wanted to work for. I pushed back a bit as change only happens when people with vision drive the change and see it through to completion but I simply did not have the energy...physically or otherwise...to do that and I knew it.
The residual effects of the chemo would last nearly 2 years before I felt normal again and I was still in the very early stages of that process. Within 2 weeks of returning to work, it was clear that it wasn't going to be long term for me...even after spending more than 17 years with P&G. It blew my mind but I've never been one to linger or reminisce once a decision has been made.
I started lining up options and paving the road out of P&G. I was back at P&G just over 2 months before I put in my notice and left the company on April 27th, 2017.
With all that has transpired, my brain has changed. It feels like aging but I'm not willing to accept it. I attribute it to part chemical thrashing from the chemo. I'm not clear on how much of that is long term damage and how much is short term damage...or if this is even a factor. I don't think the much hyped detoxes actually do anything though it may be worth a shot.
Another part of this is just the sheer volume of stress crap that I've piled on over the last few years with the first round of cancer in 2015, the second round of cancer in 2016-17 including chemo and surgery, quitting P&G, the fire burning our house, moving, rebuilding...or something else? Relationship stress? Dunno. Life is crazy. I wish it came with a manual...but it would probably be wrong anyways...or I wouldn't read it :)
Sorting all of this out...maybe a blog or introspective journal is the right format, maybe not. I suppose it helps to talk through it with myself which is what I liken this to. Perhaps even better would be a therapist that knew the questions to ask, the pain points to look for and the roads leading outward and upward from it. It's not pain so much as it is just clutter in my head. It would be nice if I had a pressure release valve or lever I could pull to purge the buildup from my head.
I'm leaning into Tim Ferriss' books and podcasts for sharp lessons and poignant observations into life, functionality and effectiveness for clarity. Some of his stuff is great. Most is mediocre. That's life. Most of it is mediocre. Some of it is great...and that's ok. It's more likely that the mediocre stuff of his just isn't relevant or as relevant to me at this point in my life. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won't and that's ok, too.
I think daily journaling and some form of meditation would be helpful. Maybe I need to start taking my phone into the sauna after working out to listen to podcasts while I steam. That's another Tim thing...something about raising the core temp of the body after a workout to help it heal and minimize soreness after tough workouts. I'm leaning into daily protein shakes to minimize the muscle loss that seems to be eating away at my physique. Not sure why physique matters...I just want to be highly functional both at the mental and physical levels. Not so much to climb a mountain or run a marathon...but to hike what I want to hike, when I want to hike it.
