Tuesday, January 30, 2007

sfd436resf3b ;/;86rf (ported from myspace)

observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

hmmm...i kinda like phonetic spelling...much easier...much more intuitive. oh well. what's weird about life is that we as humans dont really know everything about ourselves...throw into the mix that we don't know everything about how to communicate with others...and it's just an ugly mix. it's like some sadistic game...perhaps i'm just getting a little too pessimistic. bored...tired...maybe i will just flex out of here after lunch today...take like a 6hour extended lunch and just go wire up my car. tired...am i entitled to be entertained? is that a right of passage in the modern world? funny how it's almost an expectation now. "are you not entertained?" hah. nailed it. what a great movie. that's how i feel here at work sometimes...like my job is just to parade the puppets around and put on a good show. funny how the things that i percieve as being "value add" are the ones that usually fall to the floor, but the ones that i know are just smoke and mirrors cause the biggest stirs...and get me the most "glory". bah...i need to go be pseudo productive for the next 2.5hrs so i can go home.

Monday, January 29, 2007

hbhjv7 (ported from myspace)

today was a great sermon about....introspection among other things...dude pretty much said that we need to have personal relationships with God and that we (individual we, not collective we) need to take the time out of our days to really think about God...and to admire his creation (worship) because of all of the amazing things that He has built/made/created/whatnot for us. I was fairly at peace with all of that this morning...and even into the afternoon...but right now, my head hurts. probably something to do with a messed up sleep schedule...getting tired around 5...asleep by 7 (pm)...several days in a row and now here i am. headache in full force for no apparent reason...food in belly...water for the brain to grow...plenty of O2 and entertainment...not terribly tired, though that is quickly becoming the last resort to rid myself of this throbbing grey mass...ack.

but anyways....i decided during the sermon that it was time to throw down more words here...to purge and all. fortunately for me...i'm REALLY intelligent and decided to wait until whatever freakish hour it is now to do this. whatever. different perspective it will yield, i suppose. ah...headache is simmering down...maybe it was just a full brain...needed to dump out some of this thought-mass through one channel or another. funny how this whole thing works actually. most things in our world are physical. we eat physical food...drink physical water...have physical relationships...go to a physical workplace (unless you're one of "those" lucky telecommuters)....etc etc. but lately, our worlds have been en transition...direct deposit banking (ok, so that's not terribly new)...pay bills online...the aforementioned telecommuters...email vs snail mail...but i think we are all still trying to work out the impacts of the virtual or intangible at a minimum...relationship. what does that look like? is it possible to live out life in all of it's entirety online...or in some other state of "E"? people really do...there's a game called second life... (google it) ...again, not a terribly new concept, but technology is progressing to the point where computers are a HUGE piece of our lives. I work on a computer, send mail to my family on a computer...have a lame ass representation of my life (that i'm pouring my time into as I speak...ok, that's going in a circle fast)...hmm...i tweak on a computer for fun...play music on a computer...play games on a computer...spend a pretty freakin huge percentage of my time on a computer. sick.

kinda funny along those same lines...probably fried my main computer the other day during a simple move from one computer box to another...didnt take the time to put on the whole anti-static wriststrap thingy...yeah...so it's not starting right now (probably just mad at me and needs to cool off ). so i'm throwing down these words on an old 467 Mhz computer with something like 62megs of RAM...that a co-worker gave me. Ii'm pretty thrilled that this thing is actually able to run as well as it is on thistiny linux distro (www.damnsmalllinux.org). sweet deal.

in other lines of thought...the whole genesis of this blog came about in church...i was supposed to take some time for me to just think about the world....to make my business God's business (the business of my/the father) . i'm still not sure what that means...well...at least, how it applies to me. i struggle with simple concepts. life is too short to just go through the paces...do things that we feel we "should" be doing...without ever really thinking about what's behind that which we spend all of our lives doing. why work just to retire? because we have been raised to think that retirement is our primary goal in life? why get married just to have the stability so we can get a house just so we can have room to pop out a few kids just so we can raise them just so we can kick them out just so we can put them through college just so they can pop out some grandkids just so we can have something to do during the retirement that we worked all our lives to get to? sounds long and undigested, but really....is that what it's about? can I get off this train and just live vicariously through one of many who are going down this road already? I'm confused about the WHY behind all of this. did anyone ever stop and ask that? maybe i'm the only dude who didnt get that line of code inserted:

if(inrange{20-30],getmarried+popoutkids,keepliving) endif.

i'm not sure. i know that there are differences in how people think...and kids are cool...but man. i'm not in a rush for that. not just kids...i just don't see a lot of the "why" behind things. i really wonder (even about myself) what's going on behind the scenes. why do people buy cars? houses? why have we fallen into this insanity that is american m-f,9-5, 2 days off, rinse wash repeat. it doesnt make sense. so empty. where is the outward expression of the life that i have inside of ME? this (outside) is not reflective of me (inside). not my body...but life. i just don't understand this stark contrast. maybe that's why i have a headache. my head is stuck in the middle of me and the world. from russia with love? is another missions trip going to sway my scales and give me direction? not sure. how about china? calvary in westlake is sending a team to china. not that i'm excited about that one...but what? is? the? deal?? these feeble hands are capable of more than that which they are currently on track to do.

quit P&G and...what? that is a feeble attempt at change as well....for a kite without a string will drift regardless of the ben on the ground yelling at it. who is supposed to be flying my kite? shawn mcdonald is on right now...he is freaking awesome. "pour out your water...so i might take a sip." so raw. he touches people. me? i touch myself. lol...but yeah...seriously...i barely take care of myself. i don't encourage myself to read the Bible as often as I should (very infrequently) let alone encouraging people and putting forth a good example of what a Christian is. pathetic...me....yeah. so i'm still not seeing it. the headache has retreated to a mild throb...peaceful music...humm of the old school computer fan....

have to be at work in 4hr 59mins...should make for another highly caffeinated, non-productive day at the office. where is my passion? what is the plan for my life? meaning of life...can i get a manual? is there a .pdf out there somewhere with my name on it that i can just download and pull up on my phone when i get lost or find some spare parts that i don't know what to do with? snowboarding trip in a few weeks...not excited. valentines day coming up...ugh...another thing on the list to check off and spend more money so i can be under that much more pressure at work to make money so i can do it all over again. it's funny how the spending of money pulls us to make more vs the other way around. though sometimes it does go the other way....which is even more of a joke...hmm...i have $10000 in the bank...what should i do with it? this capitalist thing is a joke (not trying to make a political statement)....what the heck?!?! is there anywhere in the world where i can go and just live...not having to worry about what i eat...who i offend...how hard i work...what i work on....just a place to LIVE. ugh...life weighs...me down...what is life? it's all just a race to get somewhere....WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE GOING? you people make no sense. but hey...let me know when you get there will ya? i'm trying to figure out if this whole thing is worth it....i'm tired...i'm going to sleep so i can get up and run along to my 9-5 and spend another $195 and save 5...just so i'm barely above water...keep up the stress...let's do this!
Currently listening:
By Shawn McDonald
Release date: 07 March, 2006

mmm mmm mmm (ported from myspace)

life is really wacky at times. i really think that i'm too tired too often...but what is "too tired"? i'm not terribly sure that there is such a thing. the scientists that know everything say that a person who goes through sleep deprivation can never recover in that the body never really makes up the hours of sleep juice that are missed. it's an odd thing about life...i love sleep...but i love being awake more (most of the time...there are always those times when i wish i could just slip into sleep and not live life...) there's just so much going on all the time. so many freaking good books to read (ok, most of mine are about linux or reading your email or whatever)...but dang man...how's a man to cope with the ...er...copious amounts of raw knowledge that are out there (y'know...THERE)...especially with the internet and all...it's ridiculous. for every person that actually makes a webpage...there are like another 100 that are just as interested in the topic, just not motivated to setup a web page...for every person that posts on www.linuxquestions.org about their laptop not working...ther are another 10 that didnt post...but just read other posts (but experienced the same issue and resultant resolution)...freaking odd if you ask me. there's some guy in brasil or whatever that has the same laptop as me...dual booting slackware 11 and...some other oddball distro (maybe ubuntu 6.06)...has a rocking setup. it's weird. but on to the knowledge thing...what do we do with all of it? kinda bouncing off of thoughts from ~14hrs ago...what do we do with it? why do i have a thirst for this knowledge, but not that? why do i care about cooking and computers...but not barbies or bar-B-ques? (ok, it would be more than a little weird if i spent my days thinking about barbies...) but weird. linux a penguin terminal BSOD laptop kde .org's in general LUGs keyboards typing streaming thought...i love it. creation. last night, i created something yummy. i took 3 granny smith apples...cut them up into pieces...put them in a non stick pan (of sufficient size to hold 3 cut up granny smith apples)...threw a couple of tablespoons of margarine on top...some splenda and sugar...some cinnamon...some biscuit dough from the store (flaky kind) rolled out into flats...pressed into muffin pan (pre-sprayed with pam or other anti-stick solution). after cooking apple stuff for a bit...pour into muffin cup thingy's...tuck some dough over the top...poke holes...put in oven @ 450 for 14mins or until golden brown on top....mmm....mmm....mmm goodness. yeah, so what if it bubbled over and smoked up the whole house? (weird that my title actually fit into my story)...yeah, they were good. if i were to do it over, i would not have used splenda...tastes artificial...(oh, and i added a teaspoon of vanilla extract to the apple stuff before cooking)...probably add some powdered cloves to the applestuffs...man that's some good stuff. i should just make the apple piece and pour it over some ice cream. dang. i need to get out of here today...too much life in me to be pent up at work (hard at work...yeah baby). yup...times are good. so what's life doin? i'm still waiting around...struggling about...refusing to settle for the peaceful waters of southern cali lifestyle...stir the freakin water man! rock the boat! what are you doing to keep from "settling" for life? what is settling? different for everyone, to be sure...but what? i suppose one could settle for a mediocre cup o' joe....settle for a job @ PnG vs going for amgen (but why even worry about it?)...settle for supertaco vs going to sal's messican...hmm...is settling just training for the compromise that is life? i really think that life is compromise. think about it. life on earth is not perfect. not intended to be...never was supposed to be (well..after adam and eve, at least)...but basically, for the last 2000+yrs (just to keep it simple/tangible)...life has been imperfect. we are imperfect. God built us as incomplete, faulty beings. we are, from day one, destined to fail at the goal of life that is perfection (not sure if that's my goal...but what the heck, let's just throw it out there). hmm...so as imperfect beings...we could all be considered one form of compromise or another vs that goal...falling short of the mark. we have to deal with compromise daily because we just suck at the perfect thing. what's weird about that deal is that we also know that a lot of the things that we want to do (in our human nature...ie premarital sex...indulging in mass quantities of red vines...staying up late and not getting good sleep...looking at porn...hmmm...wanting more material things...focusing on or putting too much focus on things of this world...) these things are all bad for us...but we want them. freaking weird. so let's take red vines. one of my favorites. in small quantities, red vines are our friends...(as with sex...in marriage = good thing)...just a little bit of flour, sugar, yummy flavorings...red number 8 or whatever...good times. just a little bit of extra caloric fuel to keep us moving throughout the day...contrast that with the kid that buys a jar every week with his allowance and spends every free minute packing them in...that's not so good. God would not be happy just because the kid is not excercising any sort of self control. that...will lead to other things that are definitely not so good. it's just a huge domino effect in life. one thing...one small thing (like me browsing the web at work) can and will just pile up and pile up...gradually...creeping in on your goodness...it will slowly overwhelm a person. as they say...one thing leads to another. temptation...if you speed a little bit on the freeway...maybe it's ok to go just a little bit faster. but eventually, the cop is going to get ya. that's pretty much guaranteed. inevitably...like in the matrix...on the train tracks...ya hear that? that's the sound of...well..of whatever it was...i'm not recalling the exact word right now. " A SCANNER DARKLY" - movie. very interesting. watched about 20 mins of it last night...pretty entertaining. kinda excited to see how it all pans out. i guess i should get out of here while i still can. aight...more purging later...life is short...go live it...

Currently listening:
By Evanescence
Release date: 04 March, 2003