With so much of the world being mapped, explored and paved, the truly unknown regions of our lives are largely non-existent...externally speaking. The true mystery in life now lies within. Our minds represent vast unexplored regions of life, unavailable and inaccessible to anyone but us. It is as though we are lost inside of our very own amazon jungle, left alone to explore - or not - the vast expanses of wilderness.
When life stresses us out, worries us, causes us to fear or to get excited, we only see the surface of one piece of that jungle. We experience the rises and falls but are blind to the underlying cause of happiness. Why do we react that way? Why does the thing that makes me cry cause no reaction from the person next to me? Why do I get excited about cars driving through the desert when my kids only get excited about Pokemon?
Life on the inside - no, not prison - is a mystery. Do we explore it? Do we simply live life in reactive mode with no true understanding of the why that triggers our surface emotions, reactions and actions? For the most part, the answer to these questions is the same - humans have historically not explored the inside because life on the outside - "in the real world" - demanded too much of our physical and mental energy to truly penetrate our motivations.
Yes, there have been some exceptions to that but by and large, we have only had capacity to react. To experience. To be boggled by our own actions and reactions that are rooted far deeper and broader than we could possibly imagine.
So when I say I was stressed, lay that thin layer of reaction out on top of the vast unknown of my mind if you please and understand that I am all too aware that the reaction is not completely logical or rational but that it stems from something deeper. Those reactions are important. Listen to your gut, they say. I just knew, he said. It felt right, I was afraid...the list goes on. For me, it was stress.
Stress manifested itself in many forms. When I went back to work, I rather immediately felt the weight of stress on me. It was as if a constrictor went to work on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. At first it would be when I logged into my email then it backed its way out to the entrance to my office area then to the gate. Eventually, it would find me on the freeway heading to work then to home then into my sleep which it would ultimately consume. The constrictor became an ever present component of life.
It knew no weekdays or weekends, it simply was. Then it started pulling tighter and tighter. It made my head throb. The lack of sleep it caused encouraged a closer friendship with the coffee machine at work. The coffee machine introduced me to the restroom on a more regular basis where each glance into the mirror reminded me just how tired I was, sending me back to the coffee machine.
Stress is a vampire. It leeches the life out of even the most persistent forces. It pilfers our passions, tosses them to the curb and into the gutter, to be trampled on by passers by. It consumes our energy, our wit, our passion, our drive, our logic. It is also extremely persistent.
Stacking stress on top of a physical constitution that was not fully restored made for a very challenging day and week at work. Studies show that when stressed, we make worse decisions. Worse decisions with regards to food, financial, work and social aspects of life only compound on each other, creating a vicious cycle that feeds on itself. I eat more to help me feel better about the stress then I gain weight. The extra weight takes away more energy throughout the day and on and on the cycle goes. Stress, to steal a phrase from one of my favorite movies, is the mind killer (except it was fear in that scenario).
Compounding all of those factors is the high bar I had set for myself. Perhaps more accurately, a high bar that my supervisor had set for me. I was aligned to it. It was stretching and I wanted to stretch. Not stretching encourages complacency, a lifestyle I abhorred...but at the time, I simply did not have the capacity to do the work, let alone do it well. Obviously, not doing well does not improve the situation, nor does it reduce stress. It stacks. As do many (most?) other areas of life. The bastions of love, peace, support in life begin to dwindle as the castle walls crumble.
The natural response is to curl up. To tuck up and to protect oneself. I suppose I went through that phase though I honestly don't recall it. I soothed myself with humor and made light of the situation. I was in disbelief that people could actually live in conditions so clearly unhealthy and toxic. Perhaps not so much that they could live in those conditions but that they would continue to live in them. I am not a rebel but I found that when pressed with certain forces, I do not lie down. I rebel. I bite. I snap my head back and frolick about. Frolick sounds playful but in this case, it was a violent, intentional action. Wreckless on the outside, its intent was to break the hold of that which constrained. Bruises were incurred. Some mine, some for others. Life is messy.
Fuck.
Thinking back on this time is not pleasant. Wine, please. Jack into the headphones. Music is a solace in times of distress, times of blank emotion, times of rage. It comforts, it soothes. Music is one of the most therapeutic, shaping, tuning, intense forces on the planet. Find what soothes you. Find what evokes an emotional response and feel it out. No, I'm not talking about her. It's the things. It's the whats and the whys not the whos.
Within music, there are different flavors, different textures, different emotions and concoctions. Each plays differently at different times in our lives. Some music is morning music, gently ushering in the day or lighting the fuse that will carry us out into the world with a bang. Some brings us down and smooths over our rough edges. Oh, we do have rough edges. Make no mistake about that.
Two long pulls of wine, 5 minutes and 4 and a half minutes of resonant piano and I'm back off the edge. No, not the edge of life but the edge of emotion. We react to that which rises to the surface. Again, life is an intense balance of evoking and rolling in the sheets with the violent emotions we are tuned to react to...the resonant frequency of our lives, if you will...and the peace of the day to day. Being happy with who we are but also able to dance in the rain when the weather is just right.
I love dancing. I love music. I love that I am every so often able to throw off the oppressive bullshit that we are overcome with if we let ourselves. Do not be constrained (DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT!)
aside for a passionate monologue
/aside
we are built to dance in the rain. we are built to react to the music and to find the chords that resonate to our core. we were tuned from the outset for specific reactions to trigger specific actions. not predestination but to be present on the way towards your ultimate destination. do not let your life pass by as if it were something to get through but instead, grab that bitch by the sensitive parts and jump on for the ride of your life. chase that which seems worth chasing whether it at first appears unattainable or not. truth be told, if it feels attainable, you are likely shooting at something you already know you can hit. aim higher, aim at that which scares you. aim at the target you would love to hit but don't believe you can. stretch yourself. allow others to stretch you and similarly stretch and encourage others to do the same. find likeminded people that encourage you, and pour your everything into encouraging them as if they were your life's mission and hope for the same in return. live with passion. eat fresh fruit, smell the fresh bread then deep into it with vigor, though it may be hot at first, a life that is always fresh out of the oven is the one best lived.
RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF YOUR PASSION
THIS IS YOUR LIFE, LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST
GET A TATTOO, QUIT THAT JOB, TAKE THAT NEXT STEP
When life stresses us out, worries us, causes us to fear or to get excited, we only see the surface of one piece of that jungle. We experience the rises and falls but are blind to the underlying cause of happiness. Why do we react that way? Why does the thing that makes me cry cause no reaction from the person next to me? Why do I get excited about cars driving through the desert when my kids only get excited about Pokemon?
Life on the inside - no, not prison - is a mystery. Do we explore it? Do we simply live life in reactive mode with no true understanding of the why that triggers our surface emotions, reactions and actions? For the most part, the answer to these questions is the same - humans have historically not explored the inside because life on the outside - "in the real world" - demanded too much of our physical and mental energy to truly penetrate our motivations.
Yes, there have been some exceptions to that but by and large, we have only had capacity to react. To experience. To be boggled by our own actions and reactions that are rooted far deeper and broader than we could possibly imagine.
So when I say I was stressed, lay that thin layer of reaction out on top of the vast unknown of my mind if you please and understand that I am all too aware that the reaction is not completely logical or rational but that it stems from something deeper. Those reactions are important. Listen to your gut, they say. I just knew, he said. It felt right, I was afraid...the list goes on. For me, it was stress.
Stress manifested itself in many forms. When I went back to work, I rather immediately felt the weight of stress on me. It was as if a constrictor went to work on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. At first it would be when I logged into my email then it backed its way out to the entrance to my office area then to the gate. Eventually, it would find me on the freeway heading to work then to home then into my sleep which it would ultimately consume. The constrictor became an ever present component of life.
It knew no weekdays or weekends, it simply was. Then it started pulling tighter and tighter. It made my head throb. The lack of sleep it caused encouraged a closer friendship with the coffee machine at work. The coffee machine introduced me to the restroom on a more regular basis where each glance into the mirror reminded me just how tired I was, sending me back to the coffee machine.
Stress is a vampire. It leeches the life out of even the most persistent forces. It pilfers our passions, tosses them to the curb and into the gutter, to be trampled on by passers by. It consumes our energy, our wit, our passion, our drive, our logic. It is also extremely persistent.
Stacking stress on top of a physical constitution that was not fully restored made for a very challenging day and week at work. Studies show that when stressed, we make worse decisions. Worse decisions with regards to food, financial, work and social aspects of life only compound on each other, creating a vicious cycle that feeds on itself. I eat more to help me feel better about the stress then I gain weight. The extra weight takes away more energy throughout the day and on and on the cycle goes. Stress, to steal a phrase from one of my favorite movies, is the mind killer (except it was fear in that scenario).
Compounding all of those factors is the high bar I had set for myself. Perhaps more accurately, a high bar that my supervisor had set for me. I was aligned to it. It was stretching and I wanted to stretch. Not stretching encourages complacency, a lifestyle I abhorred...but at the time, I simply did not have the capacity to do the work, let alone do it well. Obviously, not doing well does not improve the situation, nor does it reduce stress. It stacks. As do many (most?) other areas of life. The bastions of love, peace, support in life begin to dwindle as the castle walls crumble.
The natural response is to curl up. To tuck up and to protect oneself. I suppose I went through that phase though I honestly don't recall it. I soothed myself with humor and made light of the situation. I was in disbelief that people could actually live in conditions so clearly unhealthy and toxic. Perhaps not so much that they could live in those conditions but that they would continue to live in them. I am not a rebel but I found that when pressed with certain forces, I do not lie down. I rebel. I bite. I snap my head back and frolick about. Frolick sounds playful but in this case, it was a violent, intentional action. Wreckless on the outside, its intent was to break the hold of that which constrained. Bruises were incurred. Some mine, some for others. Life is messy.
Fuck.
Thinking back on this time is not pleasant. Wine, please. Jack into the headphones. Music is a solace in times of distress, times of blank emotion, times of rage. It comforts, it soothes. Music is one of the most therapeutic, shaping, tuning, intense forces on the planet. Find what soothes you. Find what evokes an emotional response and feel it out. No, I'm not talking about her. It's the things. It's the whats and the whys not the whos.
Within music, there are different flavors, different textures, different emotions and concoctions. Each plays differently at different times in our lives. Some music is morning music, gently ushering in the day or lighting the fuse that will carry us out into the world with a bang. Some brings us down and smooths over our rough edges. Oh, we do have rough edges. Make no mistake about that.
Two long pulls of wine, 5 minutes and 4 and a half minutes of resonant piano and I'm back off the edge. No, not the edge of life but the edge of emotion. We react to that which rises to the surface. Again, life is an intense balance of evoking and rolling in the sheets with the violent emotions we are tuned to react to...the resonant frequency of our lives, if you will...and the peace of the day to day. Being happy with who we are but also able to dance in the rain when the weather is just right.
I love dancing. I love music. I love that I am every so often able to throw off the oppressive bullshit that we are overcome with if we let ourselves. Do not be constrained (DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT!)
aside for a passionate monologue
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
we are built to dance in the rain. we are built to react to the music and to find the chords that resonate to our core. we were tuned from the outset for specific reactions to trigger specific actions. not predestination but to be present on the way towards your ultimate destination. do not let your life pass by as if it were something to get through but instead, grab that bitch by the sensitive parts and jump on for the ride of your life. chase that which seems worth chasing whether it at first appears unattainable or not. truth be told, if it feels attainable, you are likely shooting at something you already know you can hit. aim higher, aim at that which scares you. aim at the target you would love to hit but don't believe you can. stretch yourself. allow others to stretch you and similarly stretch and encourage others to do the same. find likeminded people that encourage you, and pour your everything into encouraging them as if they were your life's mission and hope for the same in return. live with passion. eat fresh fruit, smell the fresh bread then deep into it with vigor, though it may be hot at first, a life that is always fresh out of the oven is the one best lived.
RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF YOUR PASSION
THIS IS YOUR LIFE, LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST
GET A TATTOO, QUIT THAT JOB, TAKE THAT NEXT STEP
