Wednesday, November 07, 2007

leftovers (ported from myspace)

so many thoughts...sitting around in my head. not that I would call them pent up thoughts...they are not held captive...but they do yearn for freedom.
often, thoughts feel as though they are just percolating...marinating..."getting ready" to be released. they are not always fully formed when they are set free, but it must be their time. so many things to think, so few things worth saying.

this weekend's talk hit home to me in regards to prayer. it is a very interesting thing to me, this prayer topic. honesty with oneself is imperative in truly developing as a human (not that i'm pretending that there is a "should" or something to be acheived as a human, but more of a personal "should" for each of us to stive for and to spend our lives growing into). honesty is insanely difficult to achieve in this world of perceptions and having to protect and develop one's image. honesty requires that we are unbiased about ourselves.

my thoughts digress... |next|

thoughts are amazing. the process of thinking is fascinating. i often find myself overfull, overwhelmed with this or that. call it work life relationships, call it whatever but my head fills up. I have too many thoughts (of late, it is suprising even to me that I do not overload on wedding topics) to process that invade - attacking my sanity one second at a time. often i am too lax with myself...not paying attention to what is running through my head...checking out without stopping to check in to see what is crossing the scanner at the checkoutstation of my thoughts...buying whatever happens to pop up in front of my human eyes (flawed as they are). it is so easy to let the guard down.


it is difficult to focus on meaning. meaning to who? who is this written for? it is written to help in bringing what might otherwise be lost as unconscious jargon up to the conscious level and forcing it to be processed and seen by my own two eyes. bringing thoughts that _could_ be worth thinking up to the surface for processing. thoughts are so easily lost. they sink down into the depths of our overfull brains...possibly never to see the light of the conscious again. some of the best ideas are lost exactly this way. they pop up (no, not like your IE experience) are barely acknowleged, then sink down into the vast wilderness that is the rest of the brain. where are these thoughts stored and where can we find them? why didnt I get a library card for all of the data in my head? why am I not able to recall and checkout any piece of data that intrigues me? I am subject to some other thoughts are not mine, they are only fleeting, temporary gifts that stop in to say "hi" then leave just as fast. few stay...few that are taken in for a quality look...

Saturday, October 06, 2007

friday ramblings (ported from myspace)

insatiable appetite for more
where does this appetite for MORE originate? where in my being do these desires come from? there is always something else to be desired...something else to WANT. I want to not want. wanting is such a waste of time of thought and above all, of money. i have a macbook...i WANT a macbook pro. why? it's faster...nicer...whatever. but i really don't understand the underlying desire for it. it's going to be the same experience overall...still just a keyboard, screen and other junk that I use to connect to the net from whatever coffee shop...a newer, larger apple logo (whatever)...but at the end of the day, it's the "same" experience...but it costs me an extra $1000. i suppose that could be justified...whatever that means. i'm not really making money with this thing (though i have)...that's not really the point of the whole exercise.

life is so weird. we have what we have, wanting what we do not have, knowing that when we do obtain that which we desire, we will yet again regain a desire for something else. it is a never ending cycle...apparently to repeat for this cycle of days that is life. it's almost comical, really. we can consciously realize what is happening, yet we are still subject to the will of the beast.

sokny has been in cincinnatti this week so i have had some spare time. typically i will either just hide out in the bedroom after work, watching movies and/or computing the nights away...or wander aimlessly from retail outlet to retail outlet in search of something to spend my duckets on. this trip was no exception...i spent the first night watching movies and computing...yesterday i went to the mall and bought some socks...a few shirts and whatever.

retail is very similar to movies actually. retail - buy shirts, socks whatever...just to wear them for a few months/years/days...and throw them away..just money down the drain. movies...we spend money basically just to be entertained. most are "ok" with a few here and there that actually make an impact on our lives. very silly we are. we are so basic...almost like animals with our carnal basic... we spend so much of our lives just living life...without really delving into finding what really matters. what matters? is it family or having kids or getting married or having a wildly successful career? maybe a little bit of a few of those...but i'm not really convinced that many of these add up to much. at the end of the day or rather, at the end of life...what matters? we all die. everything will eventually end up as dust...even the parthanon, the colluseum...stonehenge...everything will fade, it's glory but a second in the grand scheme of this multi billion year old earth that we are current residents of.

obviously this boils back down to the eternal truth...but i'm still struggling with it...coming to terms with that which i know to be true....i'm not sure if i'm just slow to trust or if i'm just destined to spend my life in the throes of a passionate struggle for "the meaning of life"...gaining slight clarity after/during each internal battle...

ugh...weird. well, i'm going to head into frys now (currently at lunch, writing into a notepad from a non-wifi location)...and indulge in some more senseless retail shopping...

Saturday, September 29, 2007

imperfections (ported from myspace)

life is so obviously imperfect. it's too obvious to be coincidence. i think i was pondering my relationship earlier today and it really made me wonder. i'm kind of retarded at times. i often marvel at how retarded i can be in this relationship. just the ridiculous "small" arguments that linger on through the day...they blow my mind. it is so difficult for me (both of us) to let go of the small stuff. i wish it was easier, this life thing...but at the same time, i don't. if life were easier (let's just call it "perfect"), we wouldn't have anything to look fwd to. what would be the point in heaven (other than the ol' eternal life thing) if earth was perfect. each of us has our own custom reality that has it's own imperfections.

if i had been born into a different country - i'm going to use thailand because i have at least a little bit of experience with that country - i'm betting that i would still struggle with various imperfections in life and i would still find life just "reasonably satisfying". actually, i was tempted for quite awhile to ditch out on this stress filled, overly complicated, let me check my calendar (oh wait, i only use it for work), life that is my existence here for the much less complicated, much simpler life that is life on an island in the Andaman sea.

it's crazy. there is this huge balance between living a good christian life and living in america. i'm not so sure that it's a balance...i tend to put everything in context of "struggles". i struggle with things. it's my internal checks and balances. it feels like this life just pulls in the wrong direction when it comes to so many key issues. sex - my body ALWAYS tells me the wrong thing. my head tells me the wrong thing slightly less than half of time's only when i force myself to change my perspective that i do the right thing. and society? "pop culture" yeah...that's pretty much just another big anchor tied to my foot pulling me down.

imperfections, yes. so we are here on this earth to realize this, to step back and take a deep exclaim "wow, this really is jacked up" and to seek out the truth that is so ingrained in these exact imperfections...we see evidence of the perfection that God promises us when we look at the the sunsets and amazing cloud formations that we are graced with ever too infrequently (in so cal). looking at anything from a macro might just seem perfect. look at a mountain range. from a helicopter, flying over, the range is sooo impressive. the lake looks too blue to be real...everything looks like a painting. zoom in a bit...the mountains are nothing but rocks...dry and lifeless...heaps of them. there is nothing to substantiate the earlier perception of perfection. the lake. it is nothing more than near-freezing off from a glacier up the way. not to go too far into the analogy...the concept behind is solid.

imperfections. so here we are with this world. what to do. we struggle with anything that we might consciously know to be good. there are always barriers to be knocked down, TV stations not to watch...but is that to be our focus? it seems that constant struggles are just the result of giving in, of being pulled down. why spend life focused on the struggles when it could just as easily be spent on lovin others. i'm not sure that it's really that easy. if we don't stop to analyze and drill into the issues that impact us, we will not be able to firm up enough to be the solid foundation that is required when building anything substantial. i would not build my house on sand (yada yada) so why would i expect God to want to build his house (the Church) on people that are not grounded and have a well earned, educated faith in Him. (quick mental parallel to a retirement planner) what to do what to do. constantly seek the balance between building the foundation and reaching out. spend time investing in solid personal growth while also making the effort to reach out to others and plant seeds.

hmm. so how and when to build and such...i am getting tired...this is going to have to marinate more...after more rest, that is.

titles lie...topics change (ported from myspace)

"A Christ-centered church is not a showcase for saints but a hospital for sinners"
- Randy Alcorn, Heaven, page 35 (

Wow. not really much more to add to this except that i don't think that i have yet to find a church that speaks like this to me. i own part of that. it is (also) up to me to make it known to others what i am about and what i want the church to be about. WE are the church. the church is not a building that we go to on sundays, it's a group of people that get together on sundays (and it just so happens that they have a building and whatnot to hang out in). i'm definitely a sinner and definitely more in the hospital than in the realm of saints.

there is so much darkness inside each of us. darkness that we must fight against, rallying for the truth. we fight these battles internally every day as well as externally. each day as we head out of our residences, we head into battle, armed with the tools of Ephesians 6:10-17. it is so tough to grasp at times that we truly are battling for God EVERY day, every moment. we are being assailed by the dark one...our thoughts intertwined with darkness...being pulled down by the beautiful woman at the bank or the new computer that we can't afford at best buy. we are encouraged by some unseen being to do things that are rooted in evil, that if we let them take hold, will pull us down and keep the veil over our eyes. we must rise up. we must persevere and become greater than what we are today. this is temporary. we are all temporary and need to keep that in focus.

it continually impresses me that we can be so much more than we are. I often feel stuck in this eternal road that leads almost flat...the road to our destinies. it is so easy to get caught up in this world, to plan the big wedding, to spend money frivolously...what is greater - a new phone and a faster computer that will bring many hours of (selfish, self-centered) entertainment or financially backing a struggling christian radio station and adding on to the children's ministry at church? putting it in that kind of black and white, hit or miss comparison, it seems obvious. it's really easy to say...but freakin hard to actually DO. when the paychecks come in and the money does it's thing, seemingly disappearing from the bank on it's own...yeah. well...that's how it can go sometimes. take charge...make the conscious decision to do what you know is right. so much of life feels like sitting in a boat moving down the river. things pass...time flies by...and somehow, we just end up at the end of the river. what if God has more in store for us than that? what if God wants me to jump out of the boat at the next turn...test the waters....what then? will i jump? or will i just sit back and ride it out, knowing that there's always more grace to cover over my weakness? i keep asking God to make it more obvious to me when he's calling...but i wonder if i'm just not hearing because i'm afraid. dunno.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

leave the seat (ported from myspace)

one of the oldest questions in male-female relations will be answered today once and for all. so i'm at a coffee shop...and after drinking (and purging) some coffee, it dawns on me: the toilet seat in public male-female bathrooms should, without a doubt be left up.

here's the (irrefutable) logic: think about little 5 year old male kids going to the bathroom. have they been trained to leave the seat up? nope. they just let it go wherever it may go...spraying to their little heart's delight. if the seat is in the default female position (down), we all lose. when women go in there, they lose 100% of the time. when guys go in there...we're set to lose about 25% of the time (+/- depending on how much fiber was in the diet).

now, let's flip the coin and leave the seat up. this is a win for everyone! the seat will stay SOOOOO much cleaner...the little guys can stay with their current pattern...and we all win. the seat will always be soooo much cleaner, nobody has to worry about having to clean up a rainstorm's worth of "moisture" from the seat....

OMG...such a breakthrough. I just had to share. It is a beautiful day in the world, i must say.

You're welcome...tell your friends, neighbors and coworkers

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Saturday, September 08, 2007

mudpies and whipped cream (ported from myspace)

nevermind, too many calories. and cancel that mocha, i'll just go with a triple espresso (venti?) actually, i'm just having normal drip coffee at the local coffee shop...with a stuffed croissant for evening snack. it's much too small to qualify as dinner.

enough of the small talk...on to the actual brain activity. i think i have too many black shirts. i was digging through my drawers/closets/dirty clothes pile the other day and i noticed that...i'm not sure that too many black shirts is really is definitely the best color since PB&J's the new pink...PC's are the new macs...well, maybe not that last one. but anyways...i think i need to add a few more colored shirts to my portfolio.

ok, second attempt to drown the small talk...i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just stuck in shallow mode today. perhaps the shortage of human interaction has left me with a suplus of trivial thoughts that i need to purge. ok, i'll go with my local observations as an interim game. i'm at latte 101, the guys in front of me are engaged in some sort of interview regarding stocks and money making. appears that the younger guy is interviewing the 60-something man...not sure what the motivations to me is a youngish couple...very quitely engaging in some sort of flirtatious table game. i noticed when picking up my snack that there is a largish group gathered on the sidewalk out front...brought their own lawn chairs and whatnot...apparently this is a favorite gathering ground for a bunch of AA success stories....or maybe just the local drug dealer hangout. haha. i'm listening to imogen heap...she's very spiritual in her music/synth evidently passionate...yet lacking true depth. (aren't we all?)

quick aside to mention that ZFS (new filesystem by Sun Microsytems) is going to be the BIG thing in computing in the next 10 years. just my humble opinion.

so dark out. it's odd for me today. sokny is out of town on her annual girls trip...i'm not making efforts to fill the days like i normally would on this weekend. i went up to slo two weeks ago and had a great time just hangin out...went up to pismo last weekend for a couple's getaway (just me n' sok) and i'm ready for some downtime. i really enjoy the ramping up and down of life. it's so interesting to me how small decisions (go out/don't go out, make plans/sit on ass all day) really set the theme for life. i'm pretty lazy when it comes to hanging out. i just move along in day at a time without much effort in the direction of hanging out or interacting with others. i'm very much an introvert (on the inside) but I'm not 100% sure why. it's definitely easier not to make the effort, but i don't think that's really the driving force. maybe i'm just uncomfortable with people. i was thinking about that a little today. with our counseling...i was taking some time to actively ponder the talks. i think i'm a little nervous in general when talking with people...and it takes me a little time to get used to get comfortable. i'm not sure what's the driving force behind it...but i just get nervous around people. very odd. i will have to ponder that more, later. so many things in life require conscious focus and thought to make them work well - relationships, self realization, God, is such a precarious journey - i suppose that is why humans throughout history have spent many endless nights staring at the stars, debating life philosophies and killing each other over religion. i'm a peaceful creature...but i definitely struggle with the dark side. how starwars of me. yes, i know. from the plain old evil thoughts (see "the number 23" movie) to lust and irritation with bad all stems from the same roots.

ah well...that's a great start to the night...this place shuts down in 5 mins...time for me to roll outta here...and see where this caffeine is planning on taking me tonight...


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Friday, August 24, 2007

is it still an ellipse if i use 4 periods vs. 3? (ported from myspace) in short supply

but alas....there is hope....intelligent life has been found....internal to each of a unique perspective....which yields a unique understanding and interpretation....and depth....within each of our lives

we are inexplicably individual and inexplicably intertwined with eachother....autonomous sybiosis....pushing off of eachother only to rebound and cling tightly....a delicate dance that mimics that of bacteria under a illogical yet so carnal - raw - natural....a microscopic look at this planet would reveal the simplistic underpinnings of our lives....we are but organic bodies, fueled by emotions, driven by hormones....walking in our own footsteps, yet never treading on new ground....constantly thinking....learning....developing....growing into ourselves...yet away from that which we consider to be our core

money in money out....God in love out....human in garbage out....

impulse out...high depth, low volume dump

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

more of the same... (ported from myspace)

After all that stuff yesterday...and this shows up in my inbox today:



Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. On him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.

-- John 6:27


What are you spending the biggest bulk of your life working for?

Is it a boss, a promotion, a sense of importance, a secure lifestyle ...? If it can be taken from you, or you can be removed from it, then it's not very permanent is it! Only what Jesus gives us is truly lasting, and it comes from God's grace. So how can you more fully invest yourself in work that "endures to eternal life"?


Un-cloud my thinking, dear God, so that I may more clearly see what it is that I'm working for in my life. Help me find ways to invest myself, "my" time, and "my" money in those things that are eternal. But, dear Father, I must confess that I will need your help to find my significance in my relationship with you and not in what I do, produce, and accomplish. Please forgive and strengthen me as I commit to seek you above all other things. In the name of Jesus, your Son and my Savior, I pray. Amen.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

and the topic of todays call is (ported from myspace)

"be an evangelist for the things you love" and/or the curiosity "build god, then we'll talk" (song title...just interesting).

i have always struggled. I could stop there. that does sum up quite a bit of me. but anyways. i have always struggled with being an evangelist for things of this world. linux tends to be a bit religious...and i do think that some people get carried away with it sometimes. but anyways...there's something that i see as being almost anti-religion about being all pro-something. like if i were to wear a linux shirt...which I do on occasion...i'm advertising linux. now, why wouldnt't i/shouldn't i wear a shirt with a cross on it or something instead. am i saying that linux is more important that church, christ, god and my faith? i mean really...if you boil it down...our number one goal on this planet is to evangelize...or is it? err...should it be? um...have we even really sat back and tried it? I have been through a few conscious situations wherein i have made a focused effort to spread the good news. not that there have only been a's just that they always seem to be so demanding. they stand out. they are nervous times... treading on eggshells or broken glass types of moments. i really don't think that's how it's supposed to be. or maybe it's the small things...those day to day attempts to follow in His footsteps that really make the difference.

i know deep down inside at a "core" level when i am thinking rationally and all at peace/rest, etc, that it really is my effort and making the effort to spread the Word that constitutes what I should be doing every day. i suppose the key is to just focus more and more on doing the things that God would have us do (speaking in summary here to keep the thoughts flowing) that really brings us closer to God. thinking more about what God would have us do will naturally elevate our thoughts to God vs. to the things of this world. thinking about helping others, tending to widows and orphans...helping the sick, feeding the poor and worshiping God are all so much better than a day spent at work...which really only nets out to paying my bills, feeding myself...housing myself and ensuring that ATT doesnt cut off my iPhone and my precious mobile internet (it does way more than that, i promise). i dont even like talking on the phone or even phones in general...i just like that there are so many of them and i get this crazy high from making them do things that they aren't intended (by cingular or other carriers) to do. enough about me (again).


i make me sick. really. this whole rat race. it's just one big race to die. one big self realizing, stick it to the man, get more for me, i'm better than you, look at me i'm great, look at my body my fancy clothes and my cool sunglasses they're all better than yours race. what is this? we dont even really work out of necessity. it's just a nicety...a societally impressed mandate that we all try to make more money so we can spend more on ourselves...or have a bigger wedding. so much of my frustration starts with a single stone. not that i mind spending the money on the ring...but to me it is so much more about the meaning of the ring than the freaking material. i just want a cheap ring. i do want something that will last (as long as it needs to on this earth) a steel size ten comfort fit ring that let's all the ho's in the world know that i'm really not interested. ugh yeah...the stone. so really. we can say all day that women are socialized differently...but i suppose that it all boils down to me having an iphone, macbook and a car and sok having a big fat ring. priorities are different but they all boil down to us wanting things of this world when these resources that we have are a huge responsibility (back to the spiderman quote that captures so much of my thoughts of late "to whom much is given, much is expected" or something like that). there is also a paraphrased parallel parable (say that three times fast) that i can attempt to share and have shared more frequently of late about a master and his three servants. he entrusts each of them to five bucks. the first goes and buries it in the earth thinking that he is being a good steward of the master's money by protecting it from theft or other dangers. the second goes off and fritters it away (i think that's straight from the new king james translation) on worldly pleasures (arby-que's or something). the third goes and puts the money to work and increases it. you know the story. at the end of the week, the master comes back to the three servants and asks "what did you do with my money...where is it?" the first guy goes and digs it up and shows the 5 bucks to the master, proud as a 2 year old of the fist time using the toilet: "here it is!" the master gets mad. "i could have buried the money...thanks for nothing" the second servant relates his tale of debauchery and intoxication... to more disappointment from the master. the third shows the earnings...a hefty fifteen dollar increase. the master responds "good and faithful servant...good job"

ok, so i butchered the summary...but the basics are there. looking in at my life...i'm just a dumb drunk...burying some money for a "later" that may never come while others starve...missing the opportunity to be fed with my money that is oh so tactfully buried in the nether regions of some JP morgan server farm...earning a whopping 9.96% since inception...bla bla. what to do? is the american dream what i'm looking for? or is that the exact thing that we are told to abandon (the things of this world) in search of a higher authority's calling? hmm. WTF?

so i suppose that i am in search of something. not that i'm looking for religion...i have a God..I know him. I am looking for "the meaning of (my) life". what am i to do with my gifts. this is where sunday's message comes in. it was a great dissertation about evangelism...from which i took the single sentence "be an evangelist for the things you love". conflict. 2 trains of thought here...1) i should evangelize the things i love (computers music bla bla) in the hopes that others who are interested in the same will see my genuine love and openness...and be curious thereby opening an avenue by which i can share God's love and the gospel with them. (truncate) or 2) i should love God first and foremost and thus, should abandon ALL (self, others, stuff) and follow him.


i struggle with evangelism + things of this world. they seem so diametrically foreign to eachother. like twins (the movie) peanut butter and motor eggs and vomit...ugh i dont get it. not that i can't figure out how to evangelize through just throws up a barrier that needs to be thought through...broken down for better digestion of aforementioned sermon. should i have gone to see jars of clay instead of snow patrol? what is this opposition? why are the things that i want the very things that i know i should be dropping by the wayside and trading in/up for things that are not of this world? why is this world so wrong. there are so many things about humanity that are just so incomplete. it is absolutely amazing to step back from anything and realize it. paper is full of holes. food goes in...*$* goes out. why do we even have to go to the bathroom? (because we aren't in heaven...yeah, thanks :)...why does paint lose it's color and fade..why does life take so much work? why...yeah, i can ask questions all day long but the answer is the same. things of this world are not perfect...and that is the very thing that makes us take steps back...fall on our face and realize that this is all on purpose...the paint fades to help me see that nothing is perfect. me expecting anything to be perfect is me setting myself up for failure (which happens everyday)...striving for to strive for failure....only to know that Christ has already paid the price for that failure...already made up the most important gap by dying on the cross.

this is feeling very odd. skip topic

tired again (in life)...there is no accountability in this life...things have run amok!

i'm done with this brain has filled up instead of the reciprocal...still don't know what i want to do with my life...(ooh....maybe thats part of the problem...that i'm looking for what i want to do vs. what He wants me to do...hmm) bah! kyle...out!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

dunno joe! (yo)

so i'm pretty much totally convinced that i'm just one big idea factory. not in some crazy sense like ideas just come out my ears or anything like that...but more along the lines of just having what I like to think of as "good" ideas. i really think that it is one of my stronger areas. i have lost quite a bit of my strong work ethic...the corporate world is a funny thing. I feel that I am very efficient with the time that I do actually spend working and that allows me considerable freedoms. the more and more time i spend at work, the more and more I am convinced that our current structure at work is just fundamentally wrong. we have a distinct line between technicians and managers. it is very much like enlisted vs officers in the military...but it just does not work. there is a new drive to save the company money by allowing techs into management roles, but it still does not solve the problem of the large pay gap and the fundamental thinking that techs are inferior to managers. i wish i was kidding...i wish it was not so apparent or obvious. it blows. i have way more talent that i am able to use. not being cocky...but my plant does not know what to do with me. there are a few options to move towards, but they don't fix the real problem. this would be called "root cause analysis" if i were on the clock right now. bla! h a h a.

i have never been one to bail out when problems surface...but this one just keeps killing me. i'm wondering if it is an Oxnard problem or a company problem. if it's just oxnard, i would be ok pressing forward and fixing the issue...people move's not that big of a plant...but if it's a company's just not worth the headache for me. whatever. there are more important battles for me to spend my time working on. i wonder if they would support me taking the plant manager role as a technician. lol. the search goes on.

so there's this awesome 10k run down south...the mud run. it's at some marine corps base in orange county. tons of fun. i need to sign up and do that this year.

i need to make a dentist teeth have been bothering me. teeth and feet pretty much suck. they are so much more trouble than they are worth. i wish i could just have all my teeth replaced with something that required no maintenance. feet...i suppose are not quite as bad...but they are still a PITA. (not like the bread thingy, it's an acronym).

going to seattle next weekend for chris' wedding. went to NYC last weekend...and a few weeks before that, washington DC. travel is good...but i'm just way too much of a homebody to travel this much.

careers...i'm thinking that i need to start angling myself towards a computer/IT/geek type of a role. i'm not really worried about whether it's with P&G or not, but i suppose it would be the "best". I would need to move into management for sure...i don't want to stay stuck under this glass ceiling/jacked up perception thing forever. i'm not going to say that i'm ok just letting it exist...because if i'm going to stay with this company, i am going to work to make the situation better...but i feel that I can do that much more effectively as a manager. maybe it would be better to stay as a tech? who knows...either way...i need to be looking for more opportunities to change this place.

i'm in zoey's right now. they are on my friends list...good times. this place is almost the epitome of relaxing...of's so comfortable freaking cool. they have a little mini stage...they have a fun balcony...they are in a fun alley and they usually have pretty good coffee, food and people to enjoy. sokny is getting her hair cut...i guess that's cool. the new price on tix that i found for seattle will save more than she spends on her cut anyways...that's good :) I was worried that i was going to end up getting ripped off because i procrastinated for so long about buying them.

i think i need another coffee...i should just setup a caffeine drip...that would be so much easier. but coffee is pretty yummy to sip on...

i'm done...bye!

Monday, June 04, 2007

ecclesiastes (ported from myspace)

again....futility. is all for naught? I feel as though the thoughts and insanity in my mind echoes this though my life were a mirror of these thoughts...played out in the shakespearian theater that is my distorted mind. i so often feel as though the only way to break out of this cycle is to abandon that which i know and truly put ME to the test. that's not just horrible english...but truly the battle that I wage internally so very frequently. quit job (everyone says it's a good job...or rather, that it's a good company to work for...but I am so dissatisfied by it) my job is the epitome of the worthlessness that is this human existence - we make toilet paper. aside from the fact that everything we do gets flushed down the toilet (sure, you can argue that it has its moment...and an important moment at that)...I don't even contribute to directly making this poo paper...i provide data as to how well we did during the making of said paper. how futile!

like really...I can do a good job at what i do...i can do a freaking great job at it in fact...but i am not convinced that this is what God made me for. my capability is so much more than what i am doing...i feel like the Z06 )read: FAST( corvette that is bought up by a car collector (pNg) only to be parked amidst a collection of other cars...some nice, some not so nice... (i'm not trying to say that i'm better than anyone else...just that i feel like my potential is SOOOOOOOOOOO much more than my current task requires)...ugh bla pfft!

futility. i have been trying to make more time for reading the Bible. i'm so pathetic. I know that me reading the Bible is simply a matter of me not doing something else (computer related, more likely than not) and picking up the Bible that is 6" from my bed and putting in some quality time. I defer to God in prayer...I am too weak...i give in to the worldly, "fun" tasks instead of reading that which provides purpose.

putting 1 and 2 together, it might seem obvious that i just need to spend more time in the Bible then waa lah! bada bing bada boom! i know what i want to do or i find some facet of work that fills me...dunno dude. I have yet to explore that...i really really enjoy this daily verse that i get from la illumina alma (book of light)...something like that. they send out a daily verse that i make time to read each morning (when at work) that helps me to get some scripture into my mundane regime...thats nice

not sure what else to say. how sad it is that my sole vent for my real voice is this page...this keyboard that knows me better than anyone else...these words that i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone in particular yet share with the world at large...unknowingly...blindly pouring my soul out onto this screen...filling pixel after wasted pixel with letters and words streamed from my inner being onto some server in the middle of nowhere owned by some large company that doesnt care a whit about me...only wanting a few clicks of the ads from me to pay for my for my 0's and 1's stored away on a few Mb's of space. they don't computer (golly, that sounds personal) doesnt fact...i'm not even sure that i care. what's the point in posting this stuff publicly...except to seek out that unconfirmed affirmation that what i am and what i do is worth something? to see that as of now, there have been just over 1000 reads of my blogs...does that make me feel worthwhile? does that justify me? i dont think so. i drink up precious water (water really is quite a freakin awesome miracle)...use up gallon after stinky gallon of gas...pollute endless cubic meters of our precious all of these silly electronic devices as if they are the very thing that will preserve my life when I am old and this crappy body sits decaying in a chair waiting for me to leave so it can finally rest and return to the earth in some attempt to return all of the nutrients that i wrecklessly consumed to the

futility. i would have a hard time justifying the energy and life that i consume for a single day let along all (365*27+10+31+30+31+31+28+31+30+31+3+23hr+39mins) of my life. ok, so i can't really take credit for the first 5 years or so as I was still trying to learn to eat, sleep and not wet myself at the same time...but dang. what is the value of life? infinite! some might say with a passionate cry. so i have wasted infinite amounts of money (is that really what this world comes down to?)...air - what is the value of air?...water...hmm...God's time and energy in creating me, watching me, listening to me, talking to me? that does sound more appropriate.

futility. this we have so many things in us that are said to be "innate". born with. instinctual. human. so yeah...for instance...suckling on one's mother as an infant...before we learn to control our bodies...we know how to find food. we know certain things...we will learn to walk without much encouragement. we know how to take care of young. we know that giving is good (some study showed that humans gain satisfaction at a core level when we give - like charity) is in our nature to serve (heard this at church...though i would still say that it's one of the hardest things to CONCIOUSLY do)...hmm...I would say that we are selfish. whether that's a product of society or biology...who knows... (nature vs nurture...yada yada). but dang....i would say that most of what i (or we, considering that sokny is pretty much attached to my side - for better or worse...i'm sure i have already written somewhere about how much of a pathetic partner i am) most of what i do is completely selfish. work...earn money for me to spend on me...get praised for what a good job i do (makes me feel good)...type on the computer to get out the thoughts that ravage my brain day in and day until 1030 to make tomorrow easier for to new york so i don't have to trust sokny...i can just be there with her and not have to worry (as much) since i still have a really hard time trusting her. oh yeah...and bop around new york for fun (for me). go to church for my own eternal sake. what do i do for others. ooh...i bought a CD for someone at work...i sold something on ebay for someone else...i give computer advice to folks at work...i talk to people and try not to be mean. hmm i complain about my job because I'M bored...because i'm not getting paid enough or whatever. what do i really have to complain about at work...or in life for that matter.

it's an odd thing that people from cultures that are financially less fortunate are happier. makes you wonder if you just quit everything you know and moved to some 3rd world country (funny how they are happier, yet we still put them below us in "rank")...and made a life there. spread the word of God to unbelievers...lived life...actually got to know people. so the immediate argument for "running away"...(truly, both sides can be argued with equal merit) that "if I run away, who is going to minister to the folks I work with now?" i have no idea (laughing now)...i'm really just searching for my purpose in life.

read part of the purpose driven life. some books are just too "committal" for me. "pick up your cross and follow me". so many interpretations of that. does that mean that I should just leave? so many interpretations...ok, no, it means that i have to pick up my cross daily...that cross being the burden of sharing the gospel with others at work on a daily basis...hitting the human reset button and devoting my current existence to God. this a curse? what is a curse? blah.!@#Jkslzfjiaosjfd;alks;32512. I really wonder how long this can go. it amazes me how bodies (mine would be the subject of this particular dissection) just cannot focus on one thing for too long. Not ADD necessarily...but more in the sense of just not really having the capability to do something for a prolonged typing this in depth sitting in front of a computer learning a new task 1 on 1 with someone digging into a particular program issue. like my brain either overloads...after which i need a break...or just shuts a laptop battery using up the needs some time to recharge after such intense use. intense use...that sounds like i'm actually putting my body to work. why do i feel as though i don't do that often enough. on previous subject, i wonder how long I could really type into this thing before i just dwindle into incomprehensibility...probably not worth trying as that would waste my time and yours. is this worthwhile?

new background just's set to change at random every 30 mins...ugh...tired. haha...what a lame title that was and how amazing that it lasted for so long. tired. futile...all negative. does this vent in my life represent the negative that opposes the positive that i give off during the day? nah. i do have quite a suprising bit of negativity in me. it's freaking weird. some things just frustrate me to no end. things about me, about the world, about ebay, about my car, about how trivial life seems to be, about how complicated everything/everyone is...and without even trying to be complicated/difficult, about relationships, sex, no sex )not funny, though i'm laughing deliriously now(, about hormones, emotions, cameras, pictures, technology, much frustrating stuff in life. is this what it is like to NOT live in heaven? are these the things that will work beautifully when we get there? how will it be possible to live in coexistance with eachother as individuals and yet get along perfectly. that is quite a quandry (luckily we have God to work on that one for us).

blog pictures hiking AMD processors vs Intel Core Duo's (intel's current chips are a better deal for the dollar right now)...mac vs PC (skip) mcdonald (rocking artist of the blog!) getting tired. let's see...worked from 645-615, then 8-1030...13hrs. maybe i can just not show up tomorrow ( bah...i have to at least drive sokny in at 5...she left her car at work and rode home with her parents after dinner. hmm. i suppose i will get "not so much" sleep. oh well. it's overrated. that would be nice...if we didnt have to sleep. keep dreaming sucka. i remember something from about drugs that mimicked sleep while being awake...something like 72hrs straight with an improvement in cognitive i would probably complain about that too. i suppose this ends my run of blathering about nothing.....

sleep....1208am 060507

Friday, April 20, 2007

more learnings about myself (ported from myspace)

life is pretty funny...i think i just might be a little slow on the uptake...but i never cease to be amazed at how much i really don't know about myself. this may seem like a trivial learning...but in the context of a relationship, the impact is amazing.

I suppose that i really just realized that i tend to be a go with the flow kinda guy. that piece in particular is something that i have thought about in the past...but the learning today is more around how that can impact my relationships. i think that if i were not in a relationship (hypothetical...but i can say this from experience as well)...i would probably just go to work, go home...with the occasional stop on the way to/from for food and gas. i really dont get out that much...i suppose that's just a reflection on how i was raised. i really like it...i don't need to get out and fill my afternoons with this or nature is just to try to consolidate "things" as much as as efficient as possible with life. i have found that when i do that...i'm much less stressed and i typically find myself wandering fry's (especially on fridays when the new sales ad comes out) or at the mall (any mall...pick one).

so yeah...that's something that pretty much anyone that knows me would be able to say about me.

the learning comes in when that is put into a relationship. what i realized was that my lack of desire to make go get engaged in the real world tends to be detrimental because i end up just saying yes to things that i don't really want to do. there is always give and take in relationships (and i firmly believe that there has to be/should be) but there is a point where it just doesnt make sense. example...i'm really not such a fan of general...but more specifically, when i'm going shopping for, not for me...or for body lotion, hand lotion, bikinis, etc. that's just not my thing.

so what i'm going to try to do more is to acutally think about what i'm committing to and try to vizualize what i'm actually going to be doing...and figure out whether i will enjoy it. (aside...i feel like a first grader realizing that throwing rocks at girls might not be the best thing to do...oh did get in trouble for that back in the day :). but anyways...yeah. a way...for my thoughts in front of myself in order to more accurately process my subconcious. (as i write, i'm realizing that just putting into words the reason behind putting things into words is a vicious circle that could only be put into words by the person who is trying to rationalize putting so many things into words)

*wow...i didnt realize that i had animated icons in my*

music is an amazing force in life. the sheer power of music to reach in and touch one's take control of one's mind and turn the steering wheel from sad, emotionally drained to "down with women"..."i can do this". (dashboard confessional)..or whatever...blows my mind. that's why i have been making this concious effort of late to fill my ears...fill my mind with Christian music. take for instance...any random day on the way to work. if I plug my ipod into the car on the way and just go with whatever random track pops up (out of my curent ~3500 song mix)...i might end up listening to nine inch nails...metallica...fugees...or whatever. but that probably isnt the mindset with which I could start my day of with to best glorify God. it sucks how much effort it takes to focus on God in the day to day (for me). i suppose it's really not that much more effort than just living life.

i often wonder why life it so retardedly high maintenance. why do i have to wear socks for my shoes to be comfortable. and if they are so comfortable, why do my shoes feel like they weigh ten pounds (other than the fact that they're steel toed)...and being so heavy...why do they make my feet get so hot...and on top of that, they smell...(TMI?)...then taking them off after work...ah...that feels nice. on up the about food? i wish that i could just be full all of the time. not necessarily in pain bloated ouch i'm full...but just comfortable full. that's a great feeling. it is tedious to have to plan out 2-6 meals every day just to get by. don't get me started on the by-products of all that food intake...that's a whole chapter in the book of life unto itself. but yeah...add to all of the other mundane, time consuming tasks that we are faced with...driving safely...death all over the pay...sand in my dye...bad weather (ok, can't really complain about that one in Cali)...unhealthy food...and it seems almost futile to make any attempt at fitting other aspect of relational life into the picture (though honestly, most of my relational issues are fought internally)'m getting tired just thinking about this stuff...oh well...back to work

ta ta!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

blogarhythmic iterations (ported from myspace)

to blog or not to blog, that is the question.

i'm so tired of being tired. i'm not really sure what to say or to expect from the next day...they all come one at a time...but what really gets me is how random life is. not that i'm really doing anything terribly impactful at the moment with my life nor am i really sure what my plan is for making an impact. i'm really just floating again...down the river...going with the flow...what really constitutes an impact? what would really make for a worthwhile life? i'm just not sure. there is so much out there in much opportunity...but there...stop right there...

what is opportunity? does that mean that there are so many "million dollar ideas"...ideas that just need to be acted upon? i don't like million dollar ideas. they are stressful...they are fun to talk over coffee...but who really wants to work that much? who wants to worry that much about something so temporary as money. even with a secular mindset, it is tough to justify spending this life just to make and spend money. so...opportunity. does that mean that i should take more time to excercise opportunities to share God's love with folks? that one really sounds the best to me...i'm just not that good at it. i'm needy. i spend way too much time just thinking about stuff. not necessarily stuff that makes sense...i will probably never be happy in a relationship...i'm not totally sure just feels to me that there is always going to be something major in each one that will prevent me from being fully satisfied. so that's another interesting yeah...we (Christians) know that in this life, we are not really ever going to be fulfilled...except through Christ...except the times when we drop "life" and truly embrace God for all that he is. I'm not really motivated in life to the degree that i "should" or "could" be. so...i'm not sure if that means that i'm doing what i'm supposed to or if i really should make the effort to fully excercise my work, in my relationships, in my friendships, my family, my spirituality...what is the ever elusive "should"?

but's days like today when i have 8 hours to myself..where i just want to listen to the birds....not that i'm a huge fan...listen to the hum of the computer fan...just relish in life. these are the days when i re-center myself around who i really am. i'm still not 100% that i'm not just being totally selfish...but i feel that there is a balance between being selfish and doing something for yourself so that you can do more for others. that is something that i shall continue to seek after. that....i would one of my "gifts".

now i feel like i'm talking Xmen i found out that i can walk through walls...and maybe it is that important. i dont know. so...what i really said is that i think that my constant inability to settle or to be satisfied with...much of anything just might be a good thing. i probably have a ton of polishing to do...i know i do, no use in false pretenses. so that though brought up a faint hint of human nature. we are all not be satisfied. it's pretty disgusting. we are told not to be satisfied with what we have (by the eachother)...we are told not to be satisfied with this or that in our relationships...that w should...that we deserve to have the perfect marriage...the perfect kids...hmm...they dont exist. but by living under these...we make ourselves slave to the world. my macbook is a is just another worldly possession that steals away from my ability to commit myself to God and to live my life according to his will and ties another piece of my soul to this world. we are grounded to this world by our our lust* for a perfect marriage/relationship. i say lust because it is a similarly "surface" desire. something that has no healthy basis for existing. i don't want the "Mr and Mrs Smith" marriage - not the one from the movie - but the pervasive images that the media pushes onto us...and that we push onto eachother as to what a perfect marraige looks like.

it would be amazing if we could have a time-out in life. an easy button where we could just push it and spend a day...a week...a true vacation with God. There are moments...mostly during worship...where i really do connect with God...but the rest of the time, i just feel like i'm not really doing what i should be doing and that "when i get home, i'm going to spend some time with God" I have said that to myself so many's almost unreal that i still believe myself when i say it.

on that note...i'm going to go throw my macbook on the charger with my ipod...go to latte 101 and read my bible. ;)

Sunday, March 25, 2007

draw the line (ported from myspace)

so i'm really tired about now. just returned from dc this morning...woke up at 330's now ~2am EST...but i'm physically back in the good ol' PST. hmmmm....i suppose the evens of the previous week were not all that exciting. i went to dover (DE) for work tues thru thurs...which meant that i travel'd 2 days as i extended that into a long weekend afterwards and just flew back sunday after a few days in DC. it was good times... (i'm going to skip thinking about work for now as that is going to be forced upon me all too soon...i think the alarm is set for 0530a)...actually...i think the only piece that i'm going to mention is that my sleep schedule was all jacked up...which made for some oddly early mornings...which i used for bible time :) totally stoked on that, as I have been telling myself that i would do that for too long now. continuing on that thought, i spend about an hour on the plane home today reading in corinthians....1cor5:9-13 i think was the section that really kicked my butt. i'm a total schmuck...and that section just floored me. i plan to spend quite a bit more time in the ensuing weeks reading my bible. i have said that in the and on, but i'm really striving for what i would call a "step change" if i were at work and trying to impress. so much opportunity in little motivation. i suppose that's what God is for in our lives...motivation...or rather, purpose.

so anyways...the thought that i was really going to try to penetrate in this brain tap can actually be found in the subject. i'm not usually this organized...but i think that organization is actually a great parallel thought for "drawing the line". what i'm talking about is living with intent. it is much too easy to just live life day to day....even as a christian....and just get by. so living with intent...or drawing the line came up when i was thinking about music. i love music. it really connects with flows in me...i can feel it in my me and music? we get along. so having said that...i was thinking about what kind of music that i listen to. i listen to almost every kind of music...not too keen on a few types on the extremes here and there, but for the most part...i listen to everything. (generalization). so i was wondering....thinking about how that impacts me. not just the music. but the lyrics...the emotion/intent behind the music. for instance...if i'm listening to techno..i'm more likely to drive faster (proven) and if i'm listening to salsa or merengue...i'm more likely but on that note...if i'm listening to Nine inch nails' animal...that's going to put some sexual thoughts into my head...or whatever. i think that's about what i'm saying. so what i'm saying is that on this very same note...draw a line. what kind of music...what lyrics...what i ok supporting. not just financially...though that is another completely valid point to argue...but support in that i'm advertising my purpose with whatever music i listen to. i suppose there are a few artists out there that are stretching what i should be listening to (using my own internal compass) but i'm going to make more of a concious effort to think about that before adding something to my playlists. additionally, i'm planning on reapplying this same line of thinking (hence the "draw the line" subject for this whole thought...this whole new theme for my life)...i feel that this is something small...that has HUGE (can i go bigger on that caps?) HUGE...impact on my life. from my the do i go to the church that i do? why do i do this or that. brain is running on reserve right now and i'm getting this might not even have made too much sense.

let's see...other lingering thoughts? there was some stuff that i was actually going to post as private (for the first time)...but i think i will just leave it where it is and chew on it internally for a bit more before purging. other than that...i think i should go grab some late night water, and get busy sleeping. life is a burden...share yours with God (first)...with others...and dont waste something with it...glorify God day after day.

aside: i have to do some research on jehovah's witness' sometime this week as well...picked up a short conversation worth of info and i feel that it is worth digging into....

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

sfd436resf3b ;/;86rf (ported from myspace)

observation or examination of one's own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

hmmm...i kinda like phonetic spelling...much easier...much more intuitive. oh well. what's weird about life is that we as humans dont really know everything about ourselves...throw into the mix that we don't know everything about how to communicate with others...and it's just an ugly mix. it's like some sadistic game...perhaps i'm just getting a little too pessimistic. bored...tired...maybe i will just flex out of here after lunch today...take like a 6hour extended lunch and just go wire up my car. i entitled to be entertained? is that a right of passage in the modern world? funny how it's almost an expectation now. "are you not entertained?" hah. nailed it. what a great movie. that's how i feel here at work my job is just to parade the puppets around and put on a good show. funny how the things that i percieve as being "value add" are the ones that usually fall to the floor, but the ones that i know are just smoke and mirrors cause the biggest stirs...and get me the most "glory". bah...i need to go be pseudo productive for the next 2.5hrs so i can go home.

Monday, January 29, 2007

hbhjv7 (ported from myspace)

today was a great sermon about....introspection among other things...dude pretty much said that we need to have personal relationships with God and that we (individual we, not collective we) need to take the time out of our days to really think about God...and to admire his creation (worship) because of all of the amazing things that He has built/made/created/whatnot for us. I was fairly at peace with all of that this morning...and even into the afternoon...but right now, my head hurts. probably something to do with a messed up sleep schedule...getting tired around 5...asleep by 7 (pm)...several days in a row and now here i am. headache in full force for no apparent in belly...water for the brain to grow...plenty of O2 and entertainment...not terribly tired, though that is quickly becoming the last resort to rid myself of this throbbing grey mass...ack.

but anyways....i decided during the sermon that it was time to throw down more words purge and all. fortunately for me...i'm REALLY intelligent and decided to wait until whatever freakish hour it is now to do this. whatever. different perspective it will yield, i suppose. ah...headache is simmering down...maybe it was just a full brain...needed to dump out some of this thought-mass through one channel or another. funny how this whole thing works actually. most things in our world are physical. we eat physical food...drink physical water...have physical relationships...go to a physical workplace (unless you're one of "those" lucky telecommuters)....etc etc. but lately, our worlds have been en deposit banking (ok, so that's not terribly new) bills online...the aforementioned vs snail mail...but i think we are all still trying to work out the impacts of the virtual or intangible at a minimum...relationship. what does that look like? is it possible to live out life in all of it's entirety online...or in some other state of "E"? people really do...there's a game called second life... (google it) ...again, not a terribly new concept, but technology is progressing to the point where computers are a HUGE piece of our lives. I work on a computer, send mail to my family on a computer...have a lame ass representation of my life (that i'm pouring my time into as I speak...ok, that's going in a circle fast)...hmm...i tweak on a computer for music on a games on a computer...spend a pretty freakin huge percentage of my time on a computer. sick.

kinda funny along those same lines...probably fried my main computer the other day during a simple move from one computer box to another...didnt take the time to put on the whole anti-static wriststrap it's not starting right now (probably just mad at me and needs to cool off ). so i'm throwing down these words on an old 467 Mhz computer with something like 62megs of RAM...that a co-worker gave me. Ii'm pretty thrilled that this thing is actually able to run as well as it is on thistiny linux distro ( sweet deal.

in other lines of thought...the whole genesis of this blog came about in church...i was supposed to take some time for me to just think about the make my business God's business (the business of my/the father) . i'm still not sure what that least, how it applies to me. i struggle with simple concepts. life is too short to just go through the things that we feel we "should" be doing...without ever really thinking about what's behind that which we spend all of our lives doing. why work just to retire? because we have been raised to think that retirement is our primary goal in life? why get married just to have the stability so we can get a house just so we can have room to pop out a few kids just so we can raise them just so we can kick them out just so we can put them through college just so they can pop out some grandkids just so we can have something to do during the retirement that we worked all our lives to get to? sounds long and undigested, but that what it's about? can I get off this train and just live vicariously through one of many who are going down this road already? I'm confused about the WHY behind all of this. did anyone ever stop and ask that? maybe i'm the only dude who didnt get that line of code inserted:

if(inrange{20-30],getmarried+popoutkids,keepliving) endif.

i'm not sure. i know that there are differences in how people think...and kids are cool...but man. i'm not in a rush for that. not just kids...i just don't see a lot of the "why" behind things. i really wonder (even about myself) what's going on behind the scenes. why do people buy cars? houses? why have we fallen into this insanity that is american m-f,9-5, 2 days off, rinse wash repeat. it doesnt make sense. so empty. where is the outward expression of the life that i have inside of ME? this (outside) is not reflective of me (inside). not my body...but life. i just don't understand this stark contrast. maybe that's why i have a headache. my head is stuck in the middle of me and the world. from russia with love? is another missions trip going to sway my scales and give me direction? not sure. how about china? calvary in westlake is sending a team to china. not that i'm excited about that one...but what? is? the? deal?? these feeble hands are capable of more than that which they are currently on track to do.

quit P&G and...what? that is a feeble attempt at change as well....for a kite without a string will drift regardless of the ben on the ground yelling at it. who is supposed to be flying my kite? shawn mcdonald is on right now...he is freaking awesome. "pour out your i might take a sip." so raw. he touches people. me? i touch myself. lol...but yeah...seriously...i barely take care of myself. i don't encourage myself to read the Bible as often as I should (very infrequently) let alone encouraging people and putting forth a good example of what a Christian is. so i'm still not seeing it. the headache has retreated to a mild throb...peaceful music...humm of the old school computer fan....

have to be at work in 4hr 59mins...should make for another highly caffeinated, non-productive day at the office. where is my passion? what is the plan for my life? meaning of life...can i get a manual? is there a .pdf out there somewhere with my name on it that i can just download and pull up on my phone when i get lost or find some spare parts that i don't know what to do with? snowboarding trip in a few weeks...not excited. valentines day coming up...ugh...another thing on the list to check off and spend more money so i can be under that much more pressure at work to make money so i can do it all over again. it's funny how the spending of money pulls us to make more vs the other way around. though sometimes it does go the other way....which is even more of a joke...hmm...i have $10000 in the bank...what should i do with it? this capitalist thing is a joke (not trying to make a political statement)....what the heck?!?! is there anywhere in the world where i can go and just live...not having to worry about what i eat...who i hard i work...what i work on....just a place to LIVE. down...what is life? it's all just a race to get somewhere....WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE GOING? you people make no sense. but hey...let me know when you get there will ya? i'm trying to figure out if this whole thing is worth it....i'm tired...i'm going to sleep so i can get up and run along to my 9-5 and spend another $195 and save 5...just so i'm barely above water...keep up the stress...let's do this!
Currently listening:
By Shawn McDonald
Release date: 07 March, 2006

mmm mmm mmm (ported from myspace)

life is really wacky at times. i really think that i'm too tired too often...but what is "too tired"? i'm not terribly sure that there is such a thing. the scientists that know everything say that a person who goes through sleep deprivation can never recover in that the body never really makes up the hours of sleep juice that are missed. it's an odd thing about life...i love sleep...but i love being awake more (most of the time...there are always those times when i wish i could just slip into sleep and not live life...) there's just so much going on all the time. so many freaking good books to read (ok, most of mine are about linux or reading your email or whatever)...but dang's a man to cope with the amounts of raw knowledge that are out there (y'know...THERE)...especially with the internet and's ridiculous. for every person that actually makes a webpage...there are like another 100 that are just as interested in the topic, just not motivated to setup a web page...for every person that posts on about their laptop not working...ther are another 10 that didnt post...but just read other posts (but experienced the same issue and resultant resolution)...freaking odd if you ask me. there's some guy in brasil or whatever that has the same laptop as me...dual booting slackware 11 and...some other oddball distro (maybe ubuntu 6.06)...has a rocking setup. it's weird. but on to the knowledge thing...what do we do with all of it? kinda bouncing off of thoughts from ~14hrs ago...what do we do with it? why do i have a thirst for this knowledge, but not that? why do i care about cooking and computers...but not barbies or bar-B-ques? (ok, it would be more than a little weird if i spent my days thinking about barbies...) but weird. linux a penguin terminal BSOD laptop kde .org's in general LUGs keyboards typing streaming thought...i love it. creation. last night, i created something yummy. i took 3 granny smith apples...cut them up into pieces...put them in a non stick pan (of sufficient size to hold 3 cut up granny smith apples)...threw a couple of tablespoons of margarine on top...some splenda and sugar...some cinnamon...some biscuit dough from the store (flaky kind) rolled out into flats...pressed into muffin pan (pre-sprayed with pam or other anti-stick solution). after cooking apple stuff for a bit...pour into muffin cup thingy's...tuck some dough over the top...poke holes...put in oven @ 450 for 14mins or until golden brown on top....mmm....mmm....mmm goodness. yeah, so what if it bubbled over and smoked up the whole house? (weird that my title actually fit into my story)...yeah, they were good. if i were to do it over, i would not have used splenda...tastes artificial...(oh, and i added a teaspoon of vanilla extract to the apple stuff before cooking)...probably add some powdered cloves to the that's some good stuff. i should just make the apple piece and pour it over some ice cream. dang. i need to get out of here today...too much life in me to be pent up at work (hard at work...yeah baby). yup...times are good. so what's life doin? i'm still waiting around...struggling about...refusing to settle for the peaceful waters of southern cali lifestyle...stir the freakin water man! rock the boat! what are you doing to keep from "settling" for life? what is settling? different for everyone, to be sure...but what? i suppose one could settle for a mediocre cup o' joe....settle for a job @ PnG vs going for amgen (but why even worry about it?)...settle for supertaco vs going to sal's settling just training for the compromise that is life? i really think that life is compromise. think about it. life on earth is not perfect. not intended to be...never was supposed to be (well..after adam and eve, at least)...but basically, for the last 2000+yrs (just to keep it simple/tangible) has been imperfect. we are imperfect. God built us as incomplete, faulty beings. we are, from day one, destined to fail at the goal of life that is perfection (not sure if that's my goal...but what the heck, let's just throw it out there). as imperfect beings...we could all be considered one form of compromise or another vs that goal...falling short of the mark. we have to deal with compromise daily because we just suck at the perfect thing. what's weird about that deal is that we also know that a lot of the things that we want to do (in our human premarital sex...indulging in mass quantities of red vines...staying up late and not getting good sleep...looking at porn...hmmm...wanting more material things...focusing on or putting too much focus on things of this world...) these things are all bad for us...but we want them. freaking weird. so let's take red vines. one of my favorites. in small quantities, red vines are our friends...(as with marriage = good thing)...just a little bit of flour, sugar, yummy number 8 or whatever...good times. just a little bit of extra caloric fuel to keep us moving throughout the day...contrast that with the kid that buys a jar every week with his allowance and spends every free minute packing them in...that's not so good. God would not be happy just because the kid is not excercising any sort of self control. that...will lead to other things that are definitely not so good. it's just a huge domino effect in life. one small thing (like me browsing the web at work) can and will just pile up and pile up...gradually...creeping in on your will slowly overwhelm a person. as they thing leads to another. temptation...if you speed a little bit on the freeway...maybe it's ok to go just a little bit faster. but eventually, the cop is going to get ya. that's pretty much guaranteed. in the matrix...on the train tracks...ya hear that? that's the sound of...well..of whatever it was...i'm not recalling the exact word right now. " A SCANNER DARKLY" - movie. very interesting. watched about 20 mins of it last night...pretty entertaining. kinda excited to see how it all pans out. i guess i should get out of here while i still can. aight...more purging is short...go live it...

Currently listening:
By Evanescence
Release date: 04 March, 2003