Friday, November 24, 2006

again (ported from myspace)

so i'm wondering if it's chronic...chronic blogification. do i just fill up after a certain amount of time...then just eventually splooge it all out on this blank boring white page that listens? it's great...i was listening to a soul asylum song from way back....kind of a screaming song...and i was really feeling it at the's very...(i would say interesting...but that doesnt come close to capturing the true intent...)...lame, insecure, pathetic of me that one phone conversation can make or break the night for me. totally excited after a night with the fam, as sokny is working nights and i have "free" time to hang out on this extended holiday weekend...and i give her a call at work...planning to head over and have some "lunch" with her around 10 or so. i thought it was a very cool gesture...a little later than normal, which would accomodate her schedule a little better than the normal 8pm thang....and i get shot down. so weird. she normally "complains" that night shift is so much quieter and less structured than days...has more free time...has a tougher time staying awake...and i get shot down for trying to improve that. bah.
so naturally i went right to vons and picked up a 750ml of my local melon flavored intoxicant along with a 2000ml diet mixer...and headed back home. kinda lame of me, but at the same just deflates my balloon when she does that....i suppose i'm flirting a little too much with the line between the necessity of a relationship (actual dependance) and the nicety of a relationship...maybe i'm just a moron for throwing myself in...or at least giving my all to the attempt there-at...i suppose i could "blame" it on all of the pressure that i have been getting about not getting her a ring for our 2yr anniversary thingy in hawaii...i don't see the point of a ring...there is this perception that it will change something...other than moving the little relationship marker to "the next level"...and giving everyone something else to gossip about...possibly temporarily satiating the biological clock crap that plagues's retarded of me, but i really feel like i am on everyone else's timetable and that everything is about expectations...or societal norms that i must comply with...or something along thosse lines...i don't buy into that...sorry kid....
now...i am a total freakin two ways about it...i'm a Christian, yet i'm living with my girlfriend (with a bonus of getting to live with her parents at the same time). having said that...i really don't leave much room to talk about anything...but closing the eye with the plank in it...though it really sticks out the temple or something...i'm going to say that for now, this is not something i can conquer. i'm weak...i'm lame...i'm pathetic...i'm wasting breath berating myself further...but anyways...we, as Christians, are supposed to be distinguishable from society...we are supposed to be outcasts...not to be accepted...yet we all strive to conform. we all want the audi, the ipod, the 3.5 bedroom house for our mate and our the 'burbs...close to the mall and the dog park...where we can take our golden retrievers and be within walking distance of church and within 45mins of work...lame. i have no solutions....i hate broaching issues without solutions...but what the heck. there is NOTHING biblical about a wedding's actually more of a pagan symbol...that was adopted by some secular freaks out to make a buck on some shiny metal and some blingy rocks...what the did we get sold into this life of preverbial slavery to the dollar...where it is mandated in mastercard commercials and zales ads that we must spend 3 months salary...9 big ones...spend whatever *she* wants on a's her ring...give her what she's her day...the wedding has to be how she wants....where is God in marriage? in the wedding...i don't see it. I really prefer that the ring and the ceremony glorify God uber alis.....seriously. down with the wedding march...let's play Paul Wright's "You're Beautiful"...let's play awesome God...i don't even see the point in a ceremony. i mean really...let's just sign the papers, skip the dress and go right on to the unscripted reception where folks who don't get to see eachother except at weddings can hang out and enjoy eachother's company.
life is so overcomplicated. it's all of these freaking a timeshare, buy a car, buy a house...(that's another 540 pages of wasted contractual obligation that get's browsed over, yet etched into the hind quarter's of the folks who sign because they didnt see some little stipulation on page 489) much junk. not that it hasn't always been this way...i'm sure it has been pretty close...i'm sure there are stats out there citing how much faster paced our lives are now vs in our parents generation or whatever...not really is life...i'm sure there were details that consumed lives and minutes then just like now...might not have been TV or myspace...but it was's a human thing, methinks.
so yeah....screaming at the wind....that's what i do. i wonder if that's just something that i do...the incessant pondering of topics non-applicable to "real" life...tangential topics that should just skim my cognizant layer...just stop in to my thoughts, never taking a seat...that i latch onto and run with. my processor clock might be off (vs. what, i'm not sure)...but let's just suffice it to say that i'm off by 180...sine/cosine kinda off...not on "the" wavelength. that really does get me wondering...i really trip out on how differently people's minds work. some of it i can explain...i can work through it...but i really get stuck on cultural differences...are they irreconcileable?(sp?)? i have found that different upbringings result in not only different morals/beliefs/norms/ethics...but in totally different thought patterns...add to that the whole male/female thing...crap dude...might as well stick the car in reverse for all the sense i'm going to make of a female with a non-specific slightly-culturually-different from-another-part-of-the-country a-little-older woman...dude...i'm toast....hahaha not that i'm anywhere near giving up...just so many many little things that get chalked up...that occasionally sum up to an issue...weird.
music....great stuf...but it's not fair to limit the quantification of music to a single album...soul asylum was on the way home...around 1030 or's now 1125pmPST and sister hazel is belting out some pseudo love! haha ah, the strokes, much better.
passion commitment integrity trust love....i really think love is the binding agent...or could be singled out as the preverbial scarlet thread that runs through most worthwhile is obvious in passion...passion is the energy created by someone who loves...whether the object be a person, thing, place....whatever...passion is the almost visible expression about love "he kissed her passionately"..."the passion he had about Linux was evident in the way he described the new window manager release"...yada yada...commitment, while not directly tied to love...shows that one has a deep tie or dedication to the same aforementioned person place thing (generic noun). in a relationship, it pays to be committed....he committed his life to his job and his familly paid the price...he was committed to the asylum...oh, wait...not that one...but yeah...commitment comes out of a deap seated don't just commit yourself arbitrarily to something...i wouldn't call purchasing gas a committment....i would call getting a job a committment...a marraige (duh)...buying a pet...signing on the dotted line that you are going to concentrate on the love in the equation and give it your all to get through whatever comes down the road...integrity...same time as previous....though different and my personal favorite of today's vocabulary is....let's see...i read something about trust this week...something to the effect of be loved is love is courageous...because in are trusting that person with your all...trusting them with your heart, with your them the ability to know your innermost thoughts...your sexual desires...your horrible human thoughts and your silly jocular remarks...your nightmares and your dreams...fears and is really making the effort to get to know the person...but i actually think it's the step after that...making the effort to ensure that the person knows you. i can say that i know someone...but when that someone says that i know them, it's completely different...that represents the person having made the effort to share the vulnerabilities...insecurities...fears...history...sharing is caring...but really, it is.
so what does it mean when one person is trying and dumping and the other interprets things differently and doesn't make the same effort...there is a book about the five languages of love. kinda generic...but the principle is invaluable. everyone has effectively been trained to give/receive love in a certain way. the key is that they will expect to be shown love and to give love in that way. so let's take me for example...i'm a typical physical touch and words of affirmation as my primary (2) when i try to show love to my's in those same ways...but physical touch might not (is not) my partner's idea of it could come across as just some hormonal desire and be pushed to the side of the you can see how this "could" lead to some huge deltas in how people interact in a relationship.'m just screwed. now is when i would normally jump into the "it's not you, it' s me" crap...but i'm going to pararphrase for the sake of time conservation and go with "i'm broken" and further, apparently, i'm bad at reconciling my differences and moving the relationship along...apparently, as evidenced by the missing ring. whatever
*5 minute break for sanity's sake*
yeah...that didn't work out as planned....sleep becomes me...zzzz

Currently listening:
Grave Dancers Union
By Soul Asylum
Release date: 06 October, 1992

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

pour it on / out (ported from myspace)

not sure which....just do it. life is too short. it is way too easy to just do the day to day and to never really dig into what's there. what's going on in people's heads? do people even think about what their thinking about? "why am i thinking this?" "is it good to be thinking that?" "who thinks about me after i talked to them about that thing that they did back before they told me about the dude who told me to go to that place before i went over there?" something like that. art or something. i'm probably not very good at it. i'm not intrinsically artistic. what's interesting is that on all of those fun "who are you" tests...myers-briggs and whatnot...i come out as like 55% introvert...but anyone who i tell that to laughs in my face and retorts with something to the effect of..."yeah, are the epitome of extroversion" i pour my thoughts out here. this is my drain...where i talk to myself in public (i figure it's better to post here than to sit around the office muttering to myself...might lose my job over that ;) not that i'm really talking to myself...just thinking to myself (if i talked out loud, that might signal a shift towards extroversion...the external faucet of my thoughts being turned on vs just internalizing most everything and turning the blender on pulse)

interesting shift of perspective at work. with all of the travel/training last week...i have taken on the perspective that i just need to get my job done. sounds pretty freakin obvious (can i have a captain obvious badge, please?) but it's more than just talk...and i'm not sure if it's a permanent perspective/if i want to work to make it a permanent perspective/if i want to work to make it only a temporary perspective...but it has been interesting. i say that because in the past week, i missed a connecting flight in ATLanta...stayed overnight in some ghetto hotel, wherein, i, knowingly sacrificed an already slender 4hrs of sleep to log in to work and get caught up on some stuff that would have otherwise been a little on the messy side. ended up passing out after a bit and getting 45mins or so of shuteye. couple that with the fact that i was here until 745p last night...went home, crashed and came back in at 145a today...i'm really not sure if this place is getting to me. i'm not sure if i want that manager mindset wherein i will do whatever has to be done to get "the job" done. i really, truly think that if i end up taking on that mindset, it will get to will start taking over my life. i'm not just throwing about arbitrary banter here....i have seen it happen. managers (young, impressionable, straight outta college) get thrown into this high pressure, high $$, highly competetive workplace and they get swallowed, like a black hole.

is there a place to work that pays reasonably (another topic altogether...really seems that lifestyle rather easily increases to accomodate this variable), requires reasonable hours (i'm thinking 50 could be draining if it were every week...and i just don't see the point in working 10hrs a day when i really only have ~16-18hrs to play with...) and allows me to sufficiently flex myself and pressure myself to learn. hmm interesting not sure what to do with that thought. this job "could" hypothetically, theoretically do that...but it could also become the beast that is P&G management mentality (sure, it exists elsewhere, but i'm going to stay in this world for now)...hmm what the heck. what if i quit and found another job that paid more (would that just be acknowledging the fact that money is top dog?) for doing the same thing...possibly take on some fun management title that i could throw around...i do have a fun "resume ready" title or two now...but hmm just the same. dunno dogg...going to have to ponder that one. maybe i should just move one step closer and put some more finishing touches on my "sell myself document" and throw it around just to see who's biting? lazy...tired from too many long days...need...need to just space out for a few weeks...months...just leave me alone with my computer for a bit to play and to really get something going...what would i get going? dunno...maybe then i would have some time to figure that out..nah...i don't think that life / humans are to be figured out...we just are. ponder this ponder! moving right along......sleep becomes me...guess i will get back to the grind (bummed that i missed halloween with the lil ones last night : (