Monday, December 08, 2008

poop in a bag (repost from myspace)

sometimes life feels just like we were promised something fun and great (a knock at the door) and we end up with stinky shoes and a mess on the porch (poo). maybe it's just me. it sucks, no doubt about it. i have been going through some odd stress in personal life (private), work life (two job transitions, stressful negotiations, lame coworkers), holidays (normal, retarded stress - quick tangent: if they are supposed to be about family and CHRIST (mas), why do they suck so much for the 3 weeks beforehand? (WTP?)) and the added bonus of exploring the possibility of buying a 2nd house. i'm not one who typically lets stress get in and really exist in life. i do know that i have intermitten stresses, here and there...mostly related to work...with a project deadline or something silly...but work to me is not's just an add on to life. it is not anywhere near the foundation of who i does not contain anything that could truly impact ME...just something that serves as a source of revenue and a place to meet people (good people...all the stinkers can stay home, please). dunno. i'm different. i know that. i think there is something on top of that as well...we have this economy mess. i think we are just cresting...just entering 1 of 2 places: either the beginning of a steep, bad bad bad downward spiral or possibly just starting to see the true magnitude of the problem (and the worst of it) from which we will have to pick up the pieces and move on. what worries me is that so many people are so negative. that negativity pervades our society these days. people are so stuck on (no, we can't change and do it another way) that we went with obama (yeah, i voted for him) just because he was spouting this speech of the past "yes, we can". seriously. think about that. it's a testament as to how sad we in the dumps america is. thats not why i voted for him, but i do see that as one of the key underlying connections that he made with MOST americans.

i for one...well...i refuse to fall into that negativity and "can't do" attitude. i refuse to fall in to the pit that is america and that is this world...that is this earth. i refuse. i have something more than that. God has given me more than that inside me and he has given me more than that in the hope and the promise in Jesus. i dont have time to be brought down. a good example today actually. i bought a new bike a few weeks ago...and i was riding over to a friends house today from church...just because. anyways, i havent spent a lot of time on the bike in quite some time so i'm balls to the wall without the technical right to actually be riding as crazy as i do. so i'm zooming along...and a car pulls out too far on the corner for me to make it up the handycap i try to jump the curb. i made it up...but lost control for a bit...and slammed pretty hard into a sign post. mostly just hit my fore arm and upper arm...but it was a solid blow. as i'm recovering and getting back on to ride, i hear someone laughing behind me. weird, i thought, and rode on. i made it a little farther down the road and the car with the "laugher" ends up stopped next to me at a red light. there are 4 inside, with the two (guys) in the back laughing at my near-disasterous crash. something about how much i sucked or something. i was "i nearly just died or ate $h!+...and you're laughing?...really?" i didnt really have time to think through it at the time...but as i rode on...i was just blown away. thoughts such as "what a jack@$$...REALLY?, people suck" passed through my mind...dang. i didnt really understand.

i stopped for food...filled my tired to their recommended pressures at the gas station...and just had that stuff running through my head. after awhile, i calmed down...the adrenaline from the near disaster experience flushed out of my system...and i finally settled on my conclusion regarding the kid's (probably 16yrs old) reaction: i think it sucks that it is ok...accepted or even allowed that people react like that. if that was my kid, i would have kicked him out of the car and made him walk home to show him that that kind of a reaction is not ok...but it goes further. i think it really struck a chord within me...just how negative and evil some people are in our society. with all of the raw, exposed, bloody, sexual content on the web and TV, our filters are gone. we watch shows like seconds from disaster...and hit up sites like TMZ and E! to get the latest failures in hollywood royalty...we see every mistake, large and small of anyone that we want...barack obama, john mccain cussing out a lady in the senate...britney not wearing all her clothes or possibly even her shaving her head and going through a mental breakdown...and we are trained to be interested and not to care...but to laugh and be entertained (from gladiator "are you not entertained?!")...we (christians) need to break that cycle. we are not of this world...we are called to be be outcasts...persecuted for our beliefs...made fun of and spat on...possibly even killed...

i still dont know how i could have reacted differently in that moment to have made an impact on that kid. every response that i can muster (at least today) is doused in negativity, dripping with sarcasm and hate...hmm...not that i'm mad...i just dont know how to say something that shows that thats not cool and that god loves him.


Sunday, September 07, 2008

dave matthews on the brain (repost from myspace blog)

nothing specific...more of a general reflection on the band and the ideas they frequently broach...just thoughts being thrown out into the world for everyone to see...baring the soul and opening up the mind just "because"...thoughts are so intense...but it's only when one attempts to open that window and to share those thoughts that we really get to experience life...where we get to know someone and let someone else get to know us. Dave Matthews really hits me not because the band's music sheds new light on God...or puts any sort of new perspective on life but because it just real. its music that i can relate's music that i can see clearly as someone else's attempt to open up in a way that I can relate to.

walking out of work as many times as i do, i reflect on the flowers that line the pathway. looking far ahead, they look so perfect. just rows and rows of perfect flowers on perfect flower plants...this to me is beauty. it's the beauty of this earth...I say that because when I look to the side...considering plucking one for my favorite flower recipient, I notice very quickly that they all have imperfections. they are living, dynamic, tangible, things...they are impacted by their environment and can easily look perfect if just given a quick glance.

we must dig deeper.

life can be way too easy. it is WAY too easy to just get through life. i'm not saying that life is easy here...just that if you really think about it and just ride the surface of the vast majority of situations in life, you can get by unscathed. you can go to work, give a very surface, non-interactive review of your weekend on Monday when co-workers ask...skip out at lunch and eat by yourself....participate in meetings and bury yourself in "work"...and really, you can just skip through life without getting too down.

this is not ideal for several reasons. it's easy to say that we would not be "living life to the fullest" or perhaps that we would be simply being selfish...but the reality is that on a personal level...on a core human level, we are not satisfied by these surface interactions. as humans...faulty, broken humans, we are, at a very fundamental level missing something...missing that deep, spiritual connection with God. we try to mimic this missing relationship by crafting relationships with humans...seeking to fill the hole in our beings...we crave a deep connection with humans...

what's odd about this...assuming we pursue this road and build up genuine relationships...opening our hearts to others and letting them open up to us (what I would call "investing in others")...and say we even go a step further and build a community of friends, family and others that we are invested in...theoretically allowing and encouraging greater connection with others...we will still not be satisfied with what we have. we can live the most fulfilled life possible on earth with all things of this world and we will still have a huge gaping hole in our lives...right?

i have heard many stories of the "unfulfilled millionaire"...the guy who has everything that is listed in the "american dream"...the money, job, cars, baywatch wife, friends with everyone...whatever you want to put on your list...and who is still terribly depressed. what's different for us is that we do not have all of those things that are a part of that dream. some of us have lots of friends, some of us have more money, some are happily married...but not many of us have "it all"...all the things this world list out under the webster's definition of success. maybe i'm alone in my thinking, but I dont really want those things. sure, i like having money to buy toys and whatever...but every good thing that we are given is really just another thing that god has gifted to us (as a guy from work likes to call it)...something he has entrusted us with to glorify Him.

we are here on earth to glorify God...we will never be fulfilled as long as we are alive on this earth in our current states. that is just not meant to be. our bodies are faulty, our minds are faulty...everything around us is faulty...this world is faulty.

if we could achieve perfection here on this earth as humans, would heaven be attractive? if perfection can be achieved here...we would be able to experience able to experience life to the fullest...after all, perfection is just that...perfect....lacking nothing...the absolute state of yay/woohoo/joy/happiness/love/etc etc. (quick aside...just reflecting on that makes me excited, knowing that i cannot/have not experienced all that God has in store for me)...ahhh...

just some thoughts...going to bed now seeing as how it's past 130am here on the east coast...

Friday, May 30, 2008

me.(us).now (ported from myspace)

so today finds us on the north shore of oahu...just hanging out. here's google's version of our locale...pretty sweet diggs if you ask me :) we're not where the (F) is...we're in the hotel overlooking the pool and "turtle bay" ;)

Thursday, May 29, 2008

pseudo-political commentary (ported from myspace blog)

regarding this article:

i'm not typically politically vocal...i won't talk about things that are political as a general rule. there is too much "media" involved in that whole scene...things are "spun" and slanted or interpreted...they lose their true meaning in is terribly difficult to determine the true platform without reading what they hand out in their "platform papers"...or official documents that are sent out, detailing where they stand on this or that issue.

retrospectively, this isnt truely a political commentary so much as a general commentary on the media putting their take on things and impacting the way we live our lives or perceive the world around us. personally, i think that the bush administration and the US media have instilled such a fear of people that are different in us that it is hard to just live life anymore. we are afraid of black people...because they might be in a gang...we are afraid of people with tattoos because they are probably in the hells angels...or junkies...we are afraid of people who wear "middle eastern garb" because more than likely, they are hiding a home made bomb (IED...improvised explosive device) underneath...and in this case, we are afraid of people who wear clothes that over 1 billion people wear daily (a white scarf with black print on it). this is such a joke...and it is yet another ridiculous example of people who speak up...just to make a splash in the stir the pot just a little bit more (the lame blogger that commented on the dunkin donuts ad) and that continue to instill more fear in americans of people that are "different".

I for different. things like this make me want to dress up in "terrorist garb" (wear a scarf) or whatever and force people to see things differently. i am sick and tired of the media holding power over us, telling us what we should think when we see someone wearing this or that or having this or that tattoo on their bodies. people FEAR way too much and LOVE way too little. all of this is so counter to what i makes me sick that a huge, diverse company such as dunkin donuts cowers to some lame blogger commenting on a piece of clothing. LAME...WEAK...this is not the america that i want to be attached to. i am ashamed to be called an american if this blogger and this company act this way and are tolerated.


Tuesday, April 29, 2008

quit folding...start (un) (ported from myspace blog)

not sure...just thoughts. its as though when life is "balanced", my brain is not full...but when I am engaged in what life is doing...what is going on...participating and stretching myself...then my head fills. but it is a different kind of full. I still need breaks in life...still need to decompress...but compared to my head being full of "golly i'm bored with life and i wish i had a direction to run in"'s sweet. i do things that i enjoy doing and that i'm good at. it's insane to me how obvious God's plans are now that they are unfolding...but how confused and almost resistant to this direction I was when i could not see the direction...makes me feel dumb that I didnt recognize it earlier but also proud that I have been entrusted with such gifts. GOD IS SO AMAZING :) I'm constantly in awe of this puzzle that is my life...fitting one piece together at a time. I'm not saying that i really think that i'll ever have all the pieces in least not while i'm on this earth...but it is fun to see it unfolding in front of my little head. anyways...i'm not really sure...what was what...but that was it

:) Smiles from kyle :)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

(_to self_)

real:(thoughts) so relative
change is based on perspective
if I didnt change my socks would you notice?
if I changed my mind, would you care?
if I asked you to change the color of your hair, would you?
if I asked you to move to ohio would you?
if God asked you to start a church in north carolina, would you listen?

how close are you to me?
how well do you know me?
how close are you to God?
how well do you know God (and his voice)?
do you listen?


are you willing to change?

do you yearn for change?
does change scare you or excite you?

(do i have any change in my pockets?)

i dont know how to change
change is so different (very insightful)
if I change, do you have to as well?
who am I to ask anyone to change?
how much (change) is too much?

(which underwear do i have on today?)

why do I feel that God is asking me to change?
how much is God asking me to change? (not that i care)
what am I gaining by changing? (my underwear)
it is not what i gain, but what I gain for God


is more christ-like)_...


Sunday, February 17, 2008

purge_overflow (ported from myspace)

tired is overused...i need a new word to describe where i i's more of a mental/emotional exhaustion than anything...i think that on the mental half...i'm generally fine...but when i have to think (apply logic or whatever) to emotional's almost like the two just conflict and decide to congeal in my head and not leave. so i'm suck with this...overfull feeling...this spent, TIRED feeling for most of the day...i wish i was wired like a computer...i could just jump to the command line, drop a single command and know what was going on in my head...but i'm retarded...unable to process and decipher what's going on up ridiculous is that. try rebooting? until i wake up lol.

what to do...this whole thing is quite the's as though a coin were flipped...but its just are played...hands are revealed...but there is no certainty in the is not clean like poker, with a set formula with a certain outcome for is all just words...words are so fleeting...once said, they do not firm up to be taken with...they are gone...vapor...but at the same time, they are so permanent. the word am blown away by the dichotomy that is wrapped up in words...they mean so much, yet can mean so little. life changing (3 words) ending (1 word)...

purge! get out of my head! LoL...i have so many things that are so much more important to think many things that are new, exciting, limitless...oh well...ten paciencia (be patient)...i have been through this lesson so many times...but life never fails to catch up and push me to my limits...but! reflecting on the numerous times that God has proven to be faithful...(and he loves to say "wait")...yeah, it's all good...but this waiting...and this..."marination" time...kills me...but it's good for me...

growth is grow physically, we know that we can experience pain in lifting weights or running (yuck)...and see direct results...bigger arms...stronger legs... but whats deceptive is that this mental/emotional/spiritual struggle...the results aren't as tangible...of course they are there...but they just aren't as immediately apparent. God is amazing...he provides all the time...answers are yes/maybe/no...sometimes we have to learn "the hard way"...sometimes he delivers us from the situation that we are's awesome.

i wouldnt even be in the whole high school group if i wouldnt have signed up to help at the women's christmas tea thing...and i love is such a great fit...every week, i find out new things about things that God has been building in me from long ago...that are just now being put to use for the good of the Kingdom...all this time, i had been praying for direction...for signs showing where God wants me to go..."please show me your plan for my life" day in and day out...and now, here i am...with a path. the funniest part is that now that i'm on "the path"...i'm all excited about "what's next" truly feels as though the possibilities are limitless...and that's amazing/exciting/scary/frickin cool..., i=physically_tired so me=take_break...

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


sleepy blogs can be the best or the because it's raw, nearly unshielded thoughts...and worst....well...yeah. i'm tired...i'm sleeping on the couch (not RIGHT now...)...i'm getting a lot done without getting much done...i feel like the guy in the jamiroquai video...what's that song...something without moving...but yeah. i feel like i'm running a race with no start, no end and no real directions...just floundering...almost falling...bouncing off whatever hits me...or being pushed into one direction or the other...but that's kinda what God's HIS plan (not mine)....he's the one who has plans for me...(good plans, in fact)...plans to take me places and have great (and not so great) things for me to accomplish and to go is amazing like that. its so hard to let go of the reins and hand them over to God in a world that shouts at us that we are in charge and that we are "masters of our own destinies!"...yada yada...i think i'm just about done with the things of this world in that it inevitably turns into nothing...(for the most part) to make money to buy stuff...yeah...i've been through all's not just that...but that is more of a underlying philosophy that governs most of the things of this hard in this world to get more crap from this world (that we can't take with us (and why would you want to when you're going to heaven?))


and things just keep much...time wasted bah...i'm done wasting time here...for now.

Monday, February 11, 2008

wintry thoughts (ported from myspace)

hmmm...idea time. so on the way home from mammoth today, it hit me. yes...IT now i'm not so sure of the true importance of the idea, but at the time, i promised myself that i would blog it. who knows...maybe bill gates will read this, love the idea and revolutionize the world with it.

anyways...basically, we need some sort of flex ride thing. i'm sick of this whole fossil fuels dependency thing that we have going on. so what i'm thinking is that we need a service where we just put in where we want to go...basically like a reservation (from:my_house to:your_moms_house or whatever) and all of these entries would go into a big computerized database...and cars/vans/buses/whatever would be allocated and mapped out to make all of the routes work. more than likely, this would have to work off of an autopilot based transit system..maybe 2 lanes that are dedicated for this or something...who knows...but would automatically map out and get people to and from places efficiently. if it was all automated, the cars (generic term) could go super fast (which would be fun in and of itself)...and be more efficient. i guess it would be like the roadrunner system...but it would actually be efficient...and work. just driving so mammoth and back...makes me sick of gasoline and fossil fuels altogether. it's not so much the lower level industry folks...or any of that end of the environmental issues...i'm just sick of the fact that the oil industry has endless resources to stifle other technologies and basically to advertise how cool and normal using gasoline is (think chevron techron/cars commercials/toys_but whatever.

i'm just over the whole oil thing. driving back from mammoth, it felt like the snow was not as heavy as it has been in years past. not that i'm an expert, but it really made me think of the whole al gore movie thing...with the pics from ~60yrs back...~40yrs back...and today and how the snow level keeps moving up (or disappears altogether)'s's real. i saw it in person at mt rainier national park. one of the main glaciers has receded visibly over the past 50 years...nuts! but it makes me sick. it's really just each and every one of us making decisions against oil...hybrids/electrics/bikes...whatever. but thats where the industry kills us. we are pretty much fenced in to oil dependency. ugh. it makes me tired. i'm retiring from this blog...the gist of my thoughts are here...i am no longer.


Saturday, February 02, 2008

blogarythmic iterations v2 (ported from myspace)

this music makes me want to scream...but i did plenty of that last night at their concert. i'm a little bit out of it today...lazy (up til 4am...that could be part of it - who would have thought that having 2 monsters after 11pm would be a bad idea?)...just kinda blah about most things today. i hate not doing anything...but i just dont feel like doing much going on in my head after yesterd...well...after this past's as though i need to just clock out of my own consciousness and let things process for a bit.

i'm putting switchfoot on...project 86 isnt exactly deep thinking, introspective least not for me. (though it is great for letting out frustration/stress/energy... i want to go away for a retreat and just hang out with myself for a bit...i'm really a pretty interesting guy...i do enjoy my own company. blah. not sure what that's about...i have a lot of new things in my life that are's a lot to process. i think that being generally introspective (sidebar...i think that there are multiple aspects to introspection and personality types...i am fine hanging out in a group and interacting with people...people are generally great...:no more thoughts on this:)...ugh...such a blah mood today!

i think these wristbands will stay on a lot longer than the last was already on it's last leg when i pulled it off yesterday. another fantastic sunset at the beach tonight...what does God have in store for me tonight? tomorrow, I get to see if I can find a place to move...and hopefully get some stuff moved in the afternoon...who knows.

some things in life are so visceral and real...others are so gray-scale and lackluster...moments///people///events///songs///words///days///meals///colors...where is your passion? do you surround yourself with things (list above, etc) that inspire you? i dont think we always should...but i do feel that God fills us with passion...and there are things we are passionate about that we will gravitate to. whether that is a are things that we are just pulled to. that is where my heart is headed. i know not where i am headed...but i am following my heart. i will trust in God to steer my ship...follow my passion...focus on God...God is love...we should be filled with love for Him and for others.

i know that blah happens to's almost as though it is the calm before the storm...the eye of the hurricane...a moment to look inside before being tossed out into chaotic rain...what are you passionate about? go get it...find it... life without passion is empty...passion is so tied to love...we love the things we are passionate about...whether it's my friend...or even reading my is those things that are truly going to garner the lion's share of love. time is money...quality time shows love...break your day up...what do you spend your time on? is that worthwhile? is that what you want God to see when he looks down on your life? sometimes, I'm embarrassed by that thought (spending 8hrs on the PS3 shooting people)...

i dunno is broad...deep...wide...obviously too large to grasp...but that just returns us to marveling at God's glory...God has a focused plan for each of could be focused on 1 person...God might just want you to convert 1 person in your life...or he might want you to start a revolution in a 3rd world country and set peoples lives ablaze with love for him. who knows? God works in the "little guy"...the nobody...the average joe....the kyle field...he does. everyday. hide as we is futile. which begs the question...why try to hide from God? because we cannot comprehend his power/presence...LoL... that makes me laugh (love laughing)...(passionate about making people smile/laugh/happy)

more on this later...this purge cycle is over, yo!

Monday, January 28, 2008

life is a spiderweb...stretching in all directions... (ported from myspace)

...words cannot express my confusion...

,,,pulled in every direction,,,

[[[clarity followed immediately by clouded thoughts]]]

///enlightenment chased out of town by mundane matthew......



^^^ intent before discontent vvv

+++upside-down,flip me around+++

thoughts stir in my much that is worth so little so little that is worth pursuing/doing...why?...there is so much that makes noise in this world...pulls us away from our primary focus. this weekend's sermon was on the first bit of the sermon on the mount (with a little bit of background to ramp up to the multi-week teaching) starting in matt 4:23-5:3. we pretty much covered blessed are those that are poor (in spirit)...I heard it twice from 2 diff pastors...and both angles were touched on - those that are financially poor and those that are poor in the spirit (needing God?). God listens to those that NEED our world, it is very very very hard to get to the point where we feel we NEED God. the reality of the situation however, is very different.

it is because there is so much going on in the world that we NEED God everyday.
it is because we are so blessed (financially, resource wise, weather wise, etc etc ad finitum) that we NEED God so much
it is because it is so easy not to get into situations where we feel we NEED God to save us (from lions, tax collectors, starvation, hepatitis, cannibalism, world war 2 or large man-eating beetles) that we do truly NEED God.

and that is my struggle...stuck in this complacency that is the USA in easy (truly) to make enough to prosper even (everone in the US is rich compared to the rest of the world)...but it's all crap. it's harder for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle. that was talked at length this weekend but I still havent come to terms with it. that's friggin hard to get past. yeah, we can (and should) give all that we can to further the kingdom...yeah, we can say that the iphone that I have is something that can be used to reachout and connect with people...something i have in common with others or something that i can use in ministry...but i can also say that it's something that represents a TON of money ($429.83) that could have been used to buy beans and rice to feed real, human people that are truly in need of food. how's that? you say that there are people within driving distance that actually NEED food? that NEED food to the extent that bringing said food would be an answer to their prayers? wow. how 'bout that iphone now...feeling guilty (schindler's list pops to mind - the end scene where he sees his car and thinks about how many more lives could have been saved...) many things that pull us away from our true calling. i almost want to make a list of what the priorities are in my life and ensure everyday that i am holding up my end of the bargain (i can put the list on my iphone...maybe then i wont feel so bad about having it)...1) love God 2) love thy neighbor (gotta love the good ol' KJV) etc etc...i mean really...if we are not living up to God's priorities...God's commandments and we end up in hell...who really cares that i had the coolest piece of tech on the planet (iphone, for those of you that were wondering) for a few years if I'm damned to an eternity of damnation in the worst place unimaginable?

compound all that with the fact that most of us will spend most of our waking lives working to earn money to pay for things that we really don't need...iphones...huge houses by the ocean...oversize rocks for rings...blah...futility...vanity...being human sucks dude

i tend to end on a note like this...futility/negativity/hopelessness. not that i'm a negative person...just that i have so much running around in my head that I have to let some of the junk out and throw down some words to really process everything. keep on lovin folks...and don't settle for whatever society has you convinced is all that you deserve...God has so much in store for each of us...keep prayin on it...keep on lovin folks...go to church!...the power of fellowship is fingers are tired

Thursday, January 24, 2008

dasdyrhcxbfdha sdav fd (ported from myspace)

brain=full...pressure's like the ballast of a ship...the more it takes on (water/stress/thoughts/whatever), the lower the ship rides in the water...crazy. i hear people say that their brains are full...and i really do feel that. it's odd thinking that something that is just grey matter, neurons and a little bit of electricity can become full. I could see it if it were in the sense of a capacitor...but it's more of the "full like a balloon" thinking. Today, it's work, women and God. The God part is my optional contribution - I really do think that people should always be thinking about something. i often randomly ask people "what are you thinking right now?" and am truly suprised at how frequenly "nothing" is returned. granted, some of that is going to be people who are thinking things that they don't want to talk about ("i'm thinking about driving my car into a brick wall" or "i'm thinking about shaving my head and pulling out my front two teeth to see if anyone notices"). but overall...WoW. so brain is full and this is my blowoff valve (you're welcome). women are tedious. in general, my relationships are great for just about the first year. it seems to get "serious" after that (not that it isnt for the first year, but it's a different kind of serious that's not so much fun). i'm terribly hesistant to vent too much for fear of general sympathy but what the heck - if not here, then where? i'm really wondering if me struggling is !)me having a valid complaint @)me being weak and selfish, complaining about something totally arbitrary )satan attacking my mind and making things bigger than they really are or what. Based on the order that they came out (analyzing my subconscious), i'm obviously leaning towards number !. i honestly feel like I put out more into the relationship. that could be in my head as well...i feel so often as though I have so much to give but I'm constantly being barraged with what I'm going to call "relationship flack" that there are things that should be small...should be trivial enough to let drop, but they are still brought up in a prodding, sarcastically agressive way. (i know what I mean). i feel like I get the butt end of the stick so much of the time...I get to see her absorb so much and deal with so much from co-workers that she is not in love with but when she gets home, it's like the flip of a coin and there is no patience, no tolerance, no love in much of anything that we do. i'm whining now...i know this. but dang...i'm not talking about somebody that i'm seeing for a week or whatever...i feel like we have been sliding down this hill for 2 years now...there are a few things that improve, but the ones that dont have become much worse. is there a point where we can't just work on 1 or 2 things and we have to just bite the bullet and really figure out what is bugging eachother? that's another thing...i'm the only one that brings up "issues" and when i do bring them up, she does her part and tries to not let my complaints bother her. so it ends up that I feel like i'm working on the relationship by bringing things up that are bothering me so we can work on them and she does her part by not getting frustrated about all the crap I give it's pretty much a no-win game. i get more and more's a circle or perhaps a downward spiral. typically, we go through ups and downs but lately, it feels like we go through neutrals and really far downs...more drastic, never really getting to the happy times (much less frequently). ok...i need to shift gears...

help - god - seek - dunno (ported from myspace)

God is Odd. Not so much God but how we interact with Him. It is a little looney actually. It is almost like my blogging. Ok, ok, context. I know. So...i'm pondering God and my relationship with Him and it amazes me how consistant we are at being inconsistant with God. It is SOOOO easy to forget about God and how great He is when things are going well but when stuff turns south, we're all about God. If I were drawing out the footprints poem, there would pretty much always be 1 set of footprints - Gods. When times are bad, we just jump into His arms and beg for love/life/help/grace/mercy/icecreamflavoroftheweek and when times are good, we are nowhere to be found. Similar to blogging in that I usually find myself blogging when I'm down/frustrated/stressed (in need of God) or infrequently/inconsistantly otherwise. It's horrible

God is so amazing. He has so much to offer each of us...we just have to reach out for Him and move in closer. I'm ok being random...but with just won't work. I have so much respect for Christians that have stayed true...started churches...started new ministries...and stuck with them. I know that for the most part, there are a core group of believers that hold eachother up and support eachother...but it's still an amazing thing. each and every one of us can do that. what is your passion? what gifts has God given you? obviously these are questions that I'm beating myself up about but they are totally things that everyone should be dwelling on and seeking out God's plan for their lives. Dunno man...i'm still working on that for myself. God does want me in ministry...I truly am a kid at heart...that much I do know (which is awesome :) )...but the rest is a total unknown. So...for now...I cling to God and seek him with my time.

I'm seriously considering taking tomorrow off to just dwell on that and seek God out (I think he might be hiding in the Rockies ;) ). but seriously...yeah...I do need some quiet time alone where I can really just seek Him and see if He has something great to show me this week. Who knows...I think I'm always tired...maybe I should go to bed on time tonight to ensure that my batteries are fully charged for whatever He has in store for me. Dunno

(and yeah...barlow what?)

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

sick (ported from myspace)

healthy people don't need a doctor --sick people do. i have come to call not those who think they are righteous but those who know they are sinners. - mark 2.17

i'm pretty sure I have seen this before...but it strikes me every time. i guess I get hung up on the balance between the two worlds...those who don't think they are righteous and those who are not sick (unless of course, they are mutually exclusive in which case, hey...what can i say, i'm wasting words here). actually, it is also recorded in matthew...a little differently:

'healthly people don't need a doctor --sick people do.' Then he added 'now go and learn the meaning of this scripture: 'i want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.' for I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.' - matthew 9.12-13.

odd differentiation...i want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices...almost as though Jesus is saying that we should not focus so much on what we have done wrong but on what we can do right for others. i had a wake up call to something very similar this past weekend...Jason d'souza was teaching about the various commandments in the Bible (there are 613 total)...of which Loving God is first and loving your (thy) neighbor is second. it really hit me and made me wonder if my priorities were straight. i think i tend to digress down the chain of commandments without really realizing it. i havent typically spent much time loving on God...reading the Bible, praying/meditating...and that is pretty lame. it's so easy to focus on things that are in our faces even touching on the things that God wants from us the most. it's really strange. but was good that I heard what i did...i like wake up calls (most of the time...and i'm not talking about actual phone calls that wake me up...'cause they usually suck).

maybe i'm way off in my interpretation. that's another funny (probably not so much) thing about the Bible...there are SOOOO many different interpretations/translations of it and within those, there are SOOOO many different interpretations of the's pretty insane. I almost feel as though I could find a church somewhere that would interpret a verse in just about any and every shade of grey. that's where i have always felt pretty solid about myself and my own perspective. i really feel that in life and in God, we have to find our own paths...we have to trust what God has given each of us in the way of grey matter and really find our own interpretations. not to say that we shouldn't listen to what others say...just that ultimately, God holds each of us accountable for our own actions. i wonder if there really are supposed to be (per God) different interpretations for each of the scriptures...and that each variety speaks to one person or another in order to lead them towards God in their own unique way. so in that...the Vineyard has been pretty great. I really feel like they are open to a lot (liberal) and are almost hippyish in their way of interpreting the Bible. it's very odd...with open expression of spiritual gifts...people speaking in tongues...truly a new experience for me. i'm still not sure where i'm at with that. I get uncomfortable easily (as evidenced by a bead of sweat forming on my brow) which is something that God truly has quelled at times.

another nugget:
the sabbath was made to meet the needs of people, and not people to meet the needs of the sabbath. - mark 2.27

very interesting. i dont think I have heard that before...oh...i guess i have (it's underlined in my Bible). i'm a little slow tonight. oh well. work has been draining. too much stuff to do, too little time. i guess that's better than the alternative...i really dislike not having things to do at work. so the almost feels like Jesus is saying that we should use the Sabbath for that which we consider to be making the most use of it. (did that even make sense?)...but it's very generic. like saying "woman was made to meet the needs of man and not man to meet the needs of the woman" ok, that was a little chauvenistic...and doesnt quite draw a parallel...hmm..."computers were made to meet the needs of people and not people to meet the needs of computers" that's much better. so it feels like Jesus is saying that we can mostly do what we want on the it is a day of rest for us (that we can choose to use in any way we see fit - with all of the basic underlying assumptions about not doing things that bring shame to God and all that).

i'm getting tired and my content feels to be heading towards diminishing returns very shortly...

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

waffles (ported from myspace) is so odd. in some ways, things are predictable, regular...just the same old day to day "stuff". the wake up and go to work mode; the hey, i'm hungry feed me mode; the golly gee i'm tired leave me alone mode...then there's God. God has a way of not conforming (who would have thought, eh?)...God just does his own thing...stuff happens on His timing...we are merely reeds in the wind when it comes to God. the avg day to day stuff just blows off the comes to a halt...things are blown out of STOPS and yet, it speeds up at the same time. 4 hours feels like days...4 days seem like 10 minutes...connections are made...issues are surfaced, tears are shed.
Godisamazing - iamweak.
that about sums it up. i am soooo soooo weak. it's terribly sad. God reveals so much to me yet I still do not make a full hearted effort. He is so distant at times (when I do not seek Him)...He is so close at other times...I am so high many women that I know (in relationships)...ok...guys can be high maintenance too but it really seems as though our society encourages the art of being high maintenance for women. it's almost as though the feel like they are more desirable if they are tough to deal with...maybe they're just playing hard to get or whatever. it's still lame...whatever the excuse (reason).
Back to God. I have come back to God. I am talking about God again. I was not gone from God so much as I never really stuck around long enough to see what He was really about. He constantly amazes me in the the sheer amount of *stuff* that's going on with Him. God is always on time...that will never cease to blow my mind. it is as though he is a puppeteer, carefully orchestrating a dance amongst many many puppets that are all sorta free minded but still mostly under his control...knowing all, pulling strings here and there to ensure that they are all in time...that they (we) hear Him when He with joy and generally just live life.
i have spent a ton of time gaming in the past few months...a ton of time that could/should have been spent actually DOING something meaningful...even if it were only spent learning just a bit more about linux, reading some dorky tech book, browsing the would have been better spent. I spent so much time this weekend seeking God and begging for Him to move closer to pull me fill help me...then so much more time thanking Him for all of the blessings from the weekend. Now that I'm back home...I need to be reading the Bible hold myself accountable to what I know I should do (ten second pause to go grab Bible) spend time with meditate on seek Him read the Bible pray out consciously focus on Loving God as the focus of my re-prioritize my life...
I considered getting rid of my PS3 for a long while this past weekend...I guess I figure that gaming just consumes (eats without productive any worthwhile by-products) my time. I think I realized just how much free time I have...and how I totally throw it down the toilet when I game. It's not that it's a terrible thing...just that there's so much more that I could be doing with my time, my life than to "play" online for hours at a time, days in a row, months on end.
I just ordered a book that I think will help me out..."How to read the Bible for all it's worth" I'm thinking that this will be the start of a new path of education and wisdom-gaining...I plan to spend time at nights (I'm a night person) reading the Bible (devotional time) and also reading other "value-add" must be value-add.