Saturday, September 29, 2007

imperfections (ported from myspace)

life is so obviously imperfect. it's too obvious to be coincidence. i think i was pondering my relationship earlier today and it really made me wonder. i'm kind of retarded at times. i often marvel at how retarded i can be in this relationship. just the ridiculous "small" arguments that linger on through the day...they blow my mind. it is so difficult for me (both of us) to let go of the small stuff. i wish it was easier, this life thing...but at the same time, i don't. if life were easier (let's just call it "perfect"), we wouldn't have anything to look fwd to. what would be the point in heaven (other than the ol' eternal life thing) if earth was perfect. each of us has our own custom reality that has it's own imperfections.

if i had been born into a different country - i'm going to use thailand because i have at least a little bit of experience with that country - i'm betting that i would still struggle with various imperfections in life and i would still find life just "reasonably satisfying". actually, i was tempted for quite awhile to ditch out on this stress filled, overly complicated, let me check my calendar (oh wait, i only use it for work), life that is my existence here for the much less complicated, much simpler life that is life on an island in the Andaman sea.

it's crazy. there is this huge balance between living a good christian life and living in america. i'm not so sure that it's a balance...i tend to put everything in context of "struggles". i struggle with things. it's my internal checks and balances. it feels like this life just pulls in the wrong direction when it comes to so many key issues. sex - my body ALWAYS tells me the wrong thing. my head tells me the wrong thing slightly less than half of time's only when i force myself to change my perspective that i do the right thing. and society? "pop culture" yeah...that's pretty much just another big anchor tied to my foot pulling me down.

imperfections, yes. so we are here on this earth to realize this, to step back and take a deep exclaim "wow, this really is jacked up" and to seek out the truth that is so ingrained in these exact imperfections...we see evidence of the perfection that God promises us when we look at the the sunsets and amazing cloud formations that we are graced with ever too infrequently (in so cal). looking at anything from a macro might just seem perfect. look at a mountain range. from a helicopter, flying over, the range is sooo impressive. the lake looks too blue to be real...everything looks like a painting. zoom in a bit...the mountains are nothing but rocks...dry and lifeless...heaps of them. there is nothing to substantiate the earlier perception of perfection. the lake. it is nothing more than near-freezing off from a glacier up the way. not to go too far into the analogy...the concept behind is solid.

imperfections. so here we are with this world. what to do. we struggle with anything that we might consciously know to be good. there are always barriers to be knocked down, TV stations not to watch...but is that to be our focus? it seems that constant struggles are just the result of giving in, of being pulled down. why spend life focused on the struggles when it could just as easily be spent on lovin others. i'm not sure that it's really that easy. if we don't stop to analyze and drill into the issues that impact us, we will not be able to firm up enough to be the solid foundation that is required when building anything substantial. i would not build my house on sand (yada yada) so why would i expect God to want to build his house (the Church) on people that are not grounded and have a well earned, educated faith in Him. (quick mental parallel to a retirement planner) what to do what to do. constantly seek the balance between building the foundation and reaching out. spend time investing in solid personal growth while also making the effort to reach out to others and plant seeds.

hmm. so how and when to build and such...i am getting tired...this is going to have to marinate more...after more rest, that is.

titles lie...topics change (ported from myspace)

"A Christ-centered church is not a showcase for saints but a hospital for sinners"
- Randy Alcorn, Heaven, page 35 (

Wow. not really much more to add to this except that i don't think that i have yet to find a church that speaks like this to me. i own part of that. it is (also) up to me to make it known to others what i am about and what i want the church to be about. WE are the church. the church is not a building that we go to on sundays, it's a group of people that get together on sundays (and it just so happens that they have a building and whatnot to hang out in). i'm definitely a sinner and definitely more in the hospital than in the realm of saints.

there is so much darkness inside each of us. darkness that we must fight against, rallying for the truth. we fight these battles internally every day as well as externally. each day as we head out of our residences, we head into battle, armed with the tools of Ephesians 6:10-17. it is so tough to grasp at times that we truly are battling for God EVERY day, every moment. we are being assailed by the dark one...our thoughts intertwined with darkness...being pulled down by the beautiful woman at the bank or the new computer that we can't afford at best buy. we are encouraged by some unseen being to do things that are rooted in evil, that if we let them take hold, will pull us down and keep the veil over our eyes. we must rise up. we must persevere and become greater than what we are today. this is temporary. we are all temporary and need to keep that in focus.

it continually impresses me that we can be so much more than we are. I often feel stuck in this eternal road that leads almost flat...the road to our destinies. it is so easy to get caught up in this world, to plan the big wedding, to spend money frivolously...what is greater - a new phone and a faster computer that will bring many hours of (selfish, self-centered) entertainment or financially backing a struggling christian radio station and adding on to the children's ministry at church? putting it in that kind of black and white, hit or miss comparison, it seems obvious. it's really easy to say...but freakin hard to actually DO. when the paychecks come in and the money does it's thing, seemingly disappearing from the bank on it's own...yeah. well...that's how it can go sometimes. take charge...make the conscious decision to do what you know is right. so much of life feels like sitting in a boat moving down the river. things pass...time flies by...and somehow, we just end up at the end of the river. what if God has more in store for us than that? what if God wants me to jump out of the boat at the next turn...test the waters....what then? will i jump? or will i just sit back and ride it out, knowing that there's always more grace to cover over my weakness? i keep asking God to make it more obvious to me when he's calling...but i wonder if i'm just not hearing because i'm afraid. dunno.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

leave the seat (ported from myspace)

one of the oldest questions in male-female relations will be answered today once and for all. so i'm at a coffee shop...and after drinking (and purging) some coffee, it dawns on me: the toilet seat in public male-female bathrooms should, without a doubt be left up.

here's the (irrefutable) logic: think about little 5 year old male kids going to the bathroom. have they been trained to leave the seat up? nope. they just let it go wherever it may go...spraying to their little heart's delight. if the seat is in the default female position (down), we all lose. when women go in there, they lose 100% of the time. when guys go in there...we're set to lose about 25% of the time (+/- depending on how much fiber was in the diet).

now, let's flip the coin and leave the seat up. this is a win for everyone! the seat will stay SOOOOO much cleaner...the little guys can stay with their current pattern...and we all win. the seat will always be soooo much cleaner, nobody has to worry about having to clean up a rainstorm's worth of "moisture" from the seat....

OMG...such a breakthrough. I just had to share. It is a beautiful day in the world, i must say.

You're welcome...tell your friends, neighbors and coworkers

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Saturday, September 08, 2007

mudpies and whipped cream (ported from myspace)

nevermind, too many calories. and cancel that mocha, i'll just go with a triple espresso (venti?) actually, i'm just having normal drip coffee at the local coffee shop...with a stuffed croissant for evening snack. it's much too small to qualify as dinner.

enough of the small talk...on to the actual brain activity. i think i have too many black shirts. i was digging through my drawers/closets/dirty clothes pile the other day and i noticed that...i'm not sure that too many black shirts is really is definitely the best color since PB&J's the new pink...PC's are the new macs...well, maybe not that last one. but anyways...i think i need to add a few more colored shirts to my portfolio.

ok, second attempt to drown the small talk...i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just stuck in shallow mode today. perhaps the shortage of human interaction has left me with a suplus of trivial thoughts that i need to purge. ok, i'll go with my local observations as an interim game. i'm at latte 101, the guys in front of me are engaged in some sort of interview regarding stocks and money making. appears that the younger guy is interviewing the 60-something man...not sure what the motivations to me is a youngish couple...very quitely engaging in some sort of flirtatious table game. i noticed when picking up my snack that there is a largish group gathered on the sidewalk out front...brought their own lawn chairs and whatnot...apparently this is a favorite gathering ground for a bunch of AA success stories....or maybe just the local drug dealer hangout. haha. i'm listening to imogen heap...she's very spiritual in her music/synth evidently passionate...yet lacking true depth. (aren't we all?)

quick aside to mention that ZFS (new filesystem by Sun Microsytems) is going to be the BIG thing in computing in the next 10 years. just my humble opinion.

so dark out. it's odd for me today. sokny is out of town on her annual girls trip...i'm not making efforts to fill the days like i normally would on this weekend. i went up to slo two weeks ago and had a great time just hangin out...went up to pismo last weekend for a couple's getaway (just me n' sok) and i'm ready for some downtime. i really enjoy the ramping up and down of life. it's so interesting to me how small decisions (go out/don't go out, make plans/sit on ass all day) really set the theme for life. i'm pretty lazy when it comes to hanging out. i just move along in day at a time without much effort in the direction of hanging out or interacting with others. i'm very much an introvert (on the inside) but I'm not 100% sure why. it's definitely easier not to make the effort, but i don't think that's really the driving force. maybe i'm just uncomfortable with people. i was thinking about that a little today. with our counseling...i was taking some time to actively ponder the talks. i think i'm a little nervous in general when talking with people...and it takes me a little time to get used to get comfortable. i'm not sure what's the driving force behind it...but i just get nervous around people. very odd. i will have to ponder that more, later. so many things in life require conscious focus and thought to make them work well - relationships, self realization, God, is such a precarious journey - i suppose that is why humans throughout history have spent many endless nights staring at the stars, debating life philosophies and killing each other over religion. i'm a peaceful creature...but i definitely struggle with the dark side. how starwars of me. yes, i know. from the plain old evil thoughts (see "the number 23" movie) to lust and irritation with bad all stems from the same roots.

ah well...that's a great start to the night...this place shuts down in 5 mins...time for me to roll outta here...and see where this caffeine is planning on taking me tonight...


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