Sunday, October 29, 2006

/. (ported from myspace)

so yeah...happy. happy is something often overlooked. i have come to understand that happy is based on the now...the today..."current events"...temporary situations...anyways...without further musings in this direction...happy is a short term sensation. having said that...there are a few states that I often find myself in: I internally deliberate a lot (for better or worse) about day to day events...often lacking an emphasis on the positive...i find my self looking back on a "happy" weekend (the topic of this stream)...i find myself confused and pondering this or that...and occasionally, i find myself stuck in introspection...lost inside myself...just thinking about how/why i am who i am...and really...just thinking about "who i am"...not necessarily why i'm here...but about me. i don't consider myself a vain person...but i think it's healthy to do an internal audit...maintain some form of internal controls to ensure that the exterior really truly reflects the my car...well...probably a bad example..hmmm ahh...drop it
the initial topic of this stream was to be thinking about happy days...not the TV show...but days when i'm happy. I often find that in the minute...when it's's not really all that pleasurable....not sure why...but i really find the most "happiness" in a situation when looking back on it. kinda weird... not to say that there aren't moments of happiness in my i do enjoy the "little things" i do appreciate when folks get together and throw a birthday bash for me...i do find happiness when i am able to get someone the perfect wine glasses for her birthday...that kinda stuff...makes me happy in the moment. but day to day life, i really don't see myself getting too happy (this blog was intended to be ABOUT the happy moments...hmm...i digress) so yeah...i think that happiness is mostly a term referencing the past. the yesterday...the moments that were "ok"...but that have to be coined something...i wonder if it's just that they mean more when put in full context of context of life (context seems to be a recurring buzz word for me, of late)...but in the moment...when i'm actually at the cafe reading my linux book...underlining fun sentences about printing or configuring multiple displays...or's just life. maybe life is those small moments...of neutrality...pieced together to form the "whole"...the complete puzzle that is me. so...let's say that life just happens....and it is those after the fact decisions (whether it's after the fact .05 seconds later...or .5days later) that really allow us to determine what it it impacted us. the sense that it is of interest to me : ).

joy...yeah...that is still something that i strive to achieve. i suppose many of the ideals out there are but things to be achieved...or to be reached for but never fully attained. would it be dissatisfying to achieve true joy in life? what would be left if we could be truly, 100% joyous here on earth. i suppose we would have to be joyous all the time...dunno. joy is still something that eludes me. it is so self sustaining...i don't know God to that depth yet...i don't trust God to that degree...i'm weak...i still sin too much (see how quickly i dissolve into self pity?)...i'm terribly prideful...i am are these strengths? how can i use this weak body to glorify God? this conversation has become a waste of time...i wonder if i should just let it go...this blog is for "venting"...for letting out all of these thoughts in my head that i don't tell anyone...or is it that i'm afraid to actually tell someone my thoughts and that it's easier to just put them here and casually hint that all of my deepest thoughts and emotions are here on a public page for any dog to read? yeah...that about sums it up. i yearn for depth of understanding of others and to reciprocate that...but this is all I know...this has been a great outlet for me...and a pretty decent way of letting others in (if they dare...buwahahahah!)...but is it just an excuse for not just being out there? is it a one-sided, unhealthy deposit of me with no counterbalance? is that even something I can ask? nope. hands down, nope. but life is good.
i can't really complain too much.
work sucks...poor me. haha. i live way above the poverty line...going to costa rica AND hawaii in the next 2 months...yeah...can't much complain about that. i suppose i just yearn to find my place. i think i'm desperate for something. i was watching this japanese import movie called "initial D" about drifting in japan...kind of a fast and the furious movie...but more that it doesnt have all the fancy neon and foo foo stickers. it totally made me want to move to experience another culture...why play life on the safe side? am i going to be sitting around in 20yrs, retired...knowing that i COULD have done this or that? what if I just quit and moved to japan? or china? or thailand over to long island? WHAT IF? that's the question we are supposed to ask...(who said we're supposed to ask, anyways?) what would happen? would I survive? would i have enough drive to get by? what would change if i went there? would it be any different? i would still strive to earn enough to get by and have a little left over to play with...i would still like gadgets and now brown cow? where to R2D2? haha. seriously...who am I...that's really not what i'm asking.....i have moved on to the perennial "WHY AM I HERE" hahahahaha. is it lame that I ask that question...or is it only lame because every other person in the world asks it so now i'm "typical" normal...just another joe (kyle, actually, but you can call me taco!).
drink more water, y''s going out of style...starbucks...cha for's all comin down the pipes and water is on the out and out...why drink alcohol? i made chili tonight...with beer (which just so happens to be the best liquid for chili as it seems to break down the meat...keeping it nice and tender soft)...and i just figured i would chug the i got a little buzz on (yeah....i'm a super lightweight...don't drink much, but i do happen to have a Duvel in the fridge with my name on it:) yeah...i had a little temporary buzz going...why? why is that a "pleasant" sensation? feeling dizzy? is it because it's self induced and intentional? dunno yo.

web pages of the week... (new version coming out sometime this month v6.10)

actually...that's a pretty good summary of all of the pages i frequent...i'm really a little on the boring side.....i'm tired of me...i'm going to bed...i'll think about today tomorrow...maybe then i'll realize what/why/how i wrote this. (i'm really not drunk...i do weigh 193lbs, y'know : ) simplemeout

Currently listening:
By Depeche Mode
Release date: 25 October, 1990

Friday, October 27, 2006

COSTa (ported from myspace) it's the last day of training here. i'm really not completely sure what was accomplished. i suppose that i did learn a lot about changes in the's just so interesting how the company justifies having people travel to train. i think it's more than just the training. what is strange is that the company (feel like i need to insert a legalistic definition of "the company" here) doesnt seem to invest in technicians...insomuch as spending time and money to ensure that folks build strong relationships which encourages folks to work together and be more productive...reapplication and whatnot. so it's strange to me. i feel like the cost training that i just attended is an anomoly. possibly an anomoly that should be built upon...but what inevitably happens with that (and is already happening with this company wide cost training) is that folks just start hopping on board "for the ride" to costa rica vs for the training or the networking. folks in the class are online working on other stuff or just plain not paying attention when they should be trying to absorb as much as possible. so let's say that my 1week trip costs the company ~$2M. that works out to 400 per day of training just for the travel expenses...and an additional thousand or 2 for the hours worked + overtime incurred for travel. so the company is investing say about $700/day for me to be down here (and all of the other folks...+/- some for higher/lower pay levels and whatnot) all the while, i'm also not doing my normal job to the fullest...which will incur more overtime and all that jazz. weird.

i suppose i should have thought more about this before coming down here. its just so strange to me. the relationship building is great though. i really connect to people vs connecting to knowledge. usually they align as i tend to relate more with folks that are on or around the same intellectual level as myself...but anyways. i think it's great how these relationships develop. i like knowing that i have met the person on the other end of the line that i'm helping or getting help from. i like letting folks know who i am and breaking down barriers that are easy to shatter in person but difficult or even sometimes impossible to break down via phone calls and company IM's. life is too short not to let people in. life is too short to spend so much time and energy trying to be something that we're not. i'm no angel...(not that this is something Holy) fact...i think i do this a lot. i really like cell phones...lately, i have traded up on them every 6months or so. i like tweaking with them and showing them off. the first part is fine...the second is not as noble. it's kind of like life. it is so easy to take credit for the work that we do in life. it is so easy (more than that, is built into us) to just take the credit and let the spotlight shine on us. i have been commended quite a bit since i have been down here on my capability in spanish. but really...i didnt earn my ability to learn languages. human named kyle am not able to improve upon my God given talents. that's just something that comes rather naturally to me. (comes naturally = God given). i feel like this is some geometric proof that should be formally laid out, proving that we are nothing and that everything we are, everything we do and everything we have is from God, of God and given by God for the sole purpose of glorifying God. it is so much eaiser to just go through life and not really take the time to step back and glorify God. it should be so built into us...we should work to make this attitude something that comes so naturally to us that it is just another part of life.

what glorifies God? when we use the gifts that he has given us to the fullest. when i say that i'm going to learn linux and pursue the natural curiosity that he has built me with to see what i can do with it. maybe i can setup an extra computer as a webpage server or a fileserver that i can spread God's word? maybe i can get a group of guys together and share in the knowledge that we have with eachother and hang out (fellowship) and just love on eachother. i'm not talking about some sort of orgy...just folks getting together and investing time...investing ourselves in eachother. maybe that group builds itself into something larger...maybe other folks start coming into the group because of the great thing it has become (evengelising)...i feel that it doesnt necessarily have to be christian from the outset...or even specifically focused at a later point in it's life...just that God's love is present.

that's kind of a tangent...a strange deviation of where i'm really going in life. i have been thinking a lot lately about what i'm here for...why i have the talents i have and what God wants me to do with them. it's very interesting to me that i have certain innate abilities or that i am "good" at certain things and not good at others. i am eternally fascinated by these things...ah...have to run.