first

here is a great posting to get this google blogathon started...let the games begin! i wonder how long it will take before this silly site overtakes myspace...they do have quite the headstart...hmm...i give myspace another year before ggl rocks em. hey... ".ggl" would be a great file extension for some kinda google file...i love google...mmm...gmail...google...what fun!

why talk (ported from myspace)

my head hurts from all of this senseless jabber. i really wonder if most people talk just to find the tidbits in other people's lives that they feel are worth telling to someone else. why talk? most people dont ever really dig deep enough to make it worthwhile. talk about the weather, the lakers, how the filet at lunch was a little fatty for your personal preference...what really matters to people. i think that so much of life is wasted on talk that does nothing...goes nowhere...just for the entertainment of the few and the loud.
i do think that i am more introspective than most folks and i suppose i'm ok with that. not that i dont have my periods of just blabbering on towards no real goal or purpose...i think i do that more than i really should. i know i'm not perfect.
i guess more than anything, i'm frustrated right now that i struggle so much with being human. it is painful. it is painful having to struggle against myself so much of the time. i don't know whether i'm just being idealistic or if i just suck at being perfect, but i really feel like i am here to struggle. i recall the work that we did in thailand and the outstanding theme for me was "struggling". i struggled to work in the 120 degree heat, i struggled to not show as much affection to sokny, i struggled to stay focused on God, i struggled to make the effort to try to communicate and connect with the workers, I struggled with myself…to be better. Ack…this is all coming off like all I do is sit around and try to be better. I wish. I struggle just thinking about reading the bible and going to church and reaching out to folks. God has plans for me (good ones! – Jer29:11) and I struggle to give up control to god and to just let go. I have a tough time letting go and releasing stuff to god in general. I stress so much about any relationship that I’m in. I stress about trusting the woman that I’m with and just letting that go to god. It really is his. I need to trust god that he has and will always put me in a relationship that will help to build me up and mold me as he sees fit. Whether he wants me to go through some rough times, so I can be stronger later or wants me to chill and just be taken care of…I guess that’s just how it goes. Everything fits into the bigger picture. It’s bigger than me.
what I have found is that no matter how long you have been a Christian or how long you have been attempting to be more Christ-like (Phil 2:1-5?), there are always going to be things that you need to work on. Now, it might be sex, money, relationships in general, driving faster than the speed limit or illegal MP3’s…but once those larger, more obvious issues are worked through (and hopefully resolved), there are going to be more things to work on because, by nature, we are imperfect, prone to sinning and just plain being “not perfect”. (oh, and I’m betting that relationships are always going to be on that list, as the good relationships…the ones that last…take work…lots of it

Currently listening:
Conspiracy No. 5
By Third Day
Release date: 26 August, 1997

i'm not sure (ported from myspace)

so friday is finally here and it's late in the day...still at work. yeah...that...again. anyhow, budget season is kicking into high gear and it seems that everyone is content to not take ownership for their stuff. wow, i love being the underpaid one that has to try to keep everyone on the same page. more and more, i'm thinking that i should put myself on the short timer's list here. i mean, so many people get paid so much more for doing SOOOO much less. I don't see why i couldnt be in their shoes. and i'm not just saying that to be pissy...i really don't see a reason. I mean, if i'm going to deal with the stress and BS no matter what, i might as well get paid for it...or i could go find something that i actually like doing and pursue that? dunno, yo. i feel like the more i pursue God (and i'm not sure if it just feels like it is since i became a Christian or if now I have been told that Christians struggle more, especially new ones), the more i feel pressure to act instead of just dealing with the ever-nebulous "IT". work...woman...money...friggin solitaire... i just wonder why i'm here...i sure as heck know that i'm not here just to help make toilet paper that's cheaper and looks better than the competition, all the while finding ways to rip off the customer and give them less for more $$... then again, maybe i am supposed to be here and i just can't see all of the non-christians here in the right light...to set a fire under my sedentary b(_)++ and get me to start talking with them. i'm not sure if this role even plays to my strengths? or if i'm really supposed to play to my strengths or if i'm supposed to be making better use of my weaknesses (reference my favorite verse...2cor10:3-5)....oh, and have i mentioned that i have a ton of weaknesses? lol i don't see what God sees in me. i'm not sure what i see in me sometimes...being human sucks, i'll tell you what. oh well...i guess i shouldnt complain too much...i'm alive...healthy and i'm smart enough to know that i'm definitely broken...and that i know enough to know that i can't be the person that i want to be on my own...and i guess that's a start. i'm blessed with great friends...GREAT family... a job that pays pretty well (though more often than not, i wonder if that really is a blessing)...and my introspective intellect. THANK GOD for the BIBLE..y'know? anyone that doesn't know...send me a message with your address and i will send you one, so you, too can know how great it is. seriously...try me... :) (doin' my best to...) Love Y'all!!

Currently listening:
The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill
By Lauryn Hill
Release date: 25 August, 1998