Monday, January 28, 2008

life is a spiderweb...stretching in all directions... (ported from myspace)

...words cannot express my confusion...

,,,pulled in every direction,,,

[[[clarity followed immediately by clouded thoughts]]]

///enlightenment chased out of town by mundane matthew......



^^^ intent before discontent vvv

+++upside-down,flip me around+++

thoughts stir in my much that is worth so little so little that is worth pursuing/doing...why?...there is so much that makes noise in this world...pulls us away from our primary focus. this weekend's sermon was on the first bit of the sermon on the mount (with a little bit of background to ramp up to the multi-week teaching) starting in matt 4:23-5:3. we pretty much covered blessed are those that are poor (in spirit)...I heard it twice from 2 diff pastors...and both angles were touched on - those that are financially poor and those that are poor in the spirit (needing God?). God listens to those that NEED our world, it is very very very hard to get to the point where we feel we NEED God. the reality of the situation however, is very different.

it is because there is so much going on in the world that we NEED God everyday.
it is because we are so blessed (financially, resource wise, weather wise, etc etc ad finitum) that we NEED God so much
it is because it is so easy not to get into situations where we feel we NEED God to save us (from lions, tax collectors, starvation, hepatitis, cannibalism, world war 2 or large man-eating beetles) that we do truly NEED God.

and that is my struggle...stuck in this complacency that is the USA in easy (truly) to make enough to prosper even (everone in the US is rich compared to the rest of the world)...but it's all crap. it's harder for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle. that was talked at length this weekend but I still havent come to terms with it. that's friggin hard to get past. yeah, we can (and should) give all that we can to further the kingdom...yeah, we can say that the iphone that I have is something that can be used to reachout and connect with people...something i have in common with others or something that i can use in ministry...but i can also say that it's something that represents a TON of money ($429.83) that could have been used to buy beans and rice to feed real, human people that are truly in need of food. how's that? you say that there are people within driving distance that actually NEED food? that NEED food to the extent that bringing said food would be an answer to their prayers? wow. how 'bout that iphone now...feeling guilty (schindler's list pops to mind - the end scene where he sees his car and thinks about how many more lives could have been saved...) many things that pull us away from our true calling. i almost want to make a list of what the priorities are in my life and ensure everyday that i am holding up my end of the bargain (i can put the list on my iphone...maybe then i wont feel so bad about having it)...1) love God 2) love thy neighbor (gotta love the good ol' KJV) etc etc...i mean really...if we are not living up to God's priorities...God's commandments and we end up in hell...who really cares that i had the coolest piece of tech on the planet (iphone, for those of you that were wondering) for a few years if I'm damned to an eternity of damnation in the worst place unimaginable?

compound all that with the fact that most of us will spend most of our waking lives working to earn money to pay for things that we really don't need...iphones...huge houses by the ocean...oversize rocks for rings...blah...futility...vanity...being human sucks dude

i tend to end on a note like this...futility/negativity/hopelessness. not that i'm a negative person...just that i have so much running around in my head that I have to let some of the junk out and throw down some words to really process everything. keep on lovin folks...and don't settle for whatever society has you convinced is all that you deserve...God has so much in store for each of us...keep prayin on it...keep on lovin folks...go to church!...the power of fellowship is fingers are tired

Thursday, January 24, 2008

dasdyrhcxbfdha sdav fd (ported from myspace)

brain=full...pressure's like the ballast of a ship...the more it takes on (water/stress/thoughts/whatever), the lower the ship rides in the water...crazy. i hear people say that their brains are full...and i really do feel that. it's odd thinking that something that is just grey matter, neurons and a little bit of electricity can become full. I could see it if it were in the sense of a capacitor...but it's more of the "full like a balloon" thinking. Today, it's work, women and God. The God part is my optional contribution - I really do think that people should always be thinking about something. i often randomly ask people "what are you thinking right now?" and am truly suprised at how frequenly "nothing" is returned. granted, some of that is going to be people who are thinking things that they don't want to talk about ("i'm thinking about driving my car into a brick wall" or "i'm thinking about shaving my head and pulling out my front two teeth to see if anyone notices"). but overall...WoW. so brain is full and this is my blowoff valve (you're welcome). women are tedious. in general, my relationships are great for just about the first year. it seems to get "serious" after that (not that it isnt for the first year, but it's a different kind of serious that's not so much fun). i'm terribly hesistant to vent too much for fear of general sympathy but what the heck - if not here, then where? i'm really wondering if me struggling is !)me having a valid complaint @)me being weak and selfish, complaining about something totally arbitrary )satan attacking my mind and making things bigger than they really are or what. Based on the order that they came out (analyzing my subconscious), i'm obviously leaning towards number !. i honestly feel like I put out more into the relationship. that could be in my head as well...i feel so often as though I have so much to give but I'm constantly being barraged with what I'm going to call "relationship flack" that there are things that should be small...should be trivial enough to let drop, but they are still brought up in a prodding, sarcastically agressive way. (i know what I mean). i feel like I get the butt end of the stick so much of the time...I get to see her absorb so much and deal with so much from co-workers that she is not in love with but when she gets home, it's like the flip of a coin and there is no patience, no tolerance, no love in much of anything that we do. i'm whining now...i know this. but dang...i'm not talking about somebody that i'm seeing for a week or whatever...i feel like we have been sliding down this hill for 2 years now...there are a few things that improve, but the ones that dont have become much worse. is there a point where we can't just work on 1 or 2 things and we have to just bite the bullet and really figure out what is bugging eachother? that's another thing...i'm the only one that brings up "issues" and when i do bring them up, she does her part and tries to not let my complaints bother her. so it ends up that I feel like i'm working on the relationship by bringing things up that are bothering me so we can work on them and she does her part by not getting frustrated about all the crap I give it's pretty much a no-win game. i get more and more's a circle or perhaps a downward spiral. typically, we go through ups and downs but lately, it feels like we go through neutrals and really far downs...more drastic, never really getting to the happy times (much less frequently). ok...i need to shift gears...

help - god - seek - dunno (ported from myspace)

God is Odd. Not so much God but how we interact with Him. It is a little looney actually. It is almost like my blogging. Ok, ok, context. I know. So...i'm pondering God and my relationship with Him and it amazes me how consistant we are at being inconsistant with God. It is SOOOO easy to forget about God and how great He is when things are going well but when stuff turns south, we're all about God. If I were drawing out the footprints poem, there would pretty much always be 1 set of footprints - Gods. When times are bad, we just jump into His arms and beg for love/life/help/grace/mercy/icecreamflavoroftheweek and when times are good, we are nowhere to be found. Similar to blogging in that I usually find myself blogging when I'm down/frustrated/stressed (in need of God) or infrequently/inconsistantly otherwise. It's horrible

God is so amazing. He has so much to offer each of us...we just have to reach out for Him and move in closer. I'm ok being random...but with just won't work. I have so much respect for Christians that have stayed true...started churches...started new ministries...and stuck with them. I know that for the most part, there are a core group of believers that hold eachother up and support eachother...but it's still an amazing thing. each and every one of us can do that. what is your passion? what gifts has God given you? obviously these are questions that I'm beating myself up about but they are totally things that everyone should be dwelling on and seeking out God's plan for their lives. Dunno man...i'm still working on that for myself. God does want me in ministry...I truly am a kid at heart...that much I do know (which is awesome :) )...but the rest is a total unknown. So...for now...I cling to God and seek him with my time.

I'm seriously considering taking tomorrow off to just dwell on that and seek God out (I think he might be hiding in the Rockies ;) ). but seriously...yeah...I do need some quiet time alone where I can really just seek Him and see if He has something great to show me this week. Who knows...I think I'm always tired...maybe I should go to bed on time tonight to ensure that my batteries are fully charged for whatever He has in store for me. Dunno

(and yeah...barlow what?)

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

sick (ported from myspace)

healthy people don't need a doctor --sick people do. i have come to call not those who think they are righteous but those who know they are sinners. - mark 2.17

i'm pretty sure I have seen this before...but it strikes me every time. i guess I get hung up on the balance between the two worlds...those who don't think they are righteous and those who are not sick (unless of course, they are mutually exclusive in which case, hey...what can i say, i'm wasting words here). actually, it is also recorded in matthew...a little differently:

'healthly people don't need a doctor --sick people do.' Then he added 'now go and learn the meaning of this scripture: 'i want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.' for I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.' - matthew 9.12-13.

odd differentiation...i want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices...almost as though Jesus is saying that we should not focus so much on what we have done wrong but on what we can do right for others. i had a wake up call to something very similar this past weekend...Jason d'souza was teaching about the various commandments in the Bible (there are 613 total)...of which Loving God is first and loving your (thy) neighbor is second. it really hit me and made me wonder if my priorities were straight. i think i tend to digress down the chain of commandments without really realizing it. i havent typically spent much time loving on God...reading the Bible, praying/meditating...and that is pretty lame. it's so easy to focus on things that are in our faces even touching on the things that God wants from us the most. it's really strange. but was good that I heard what i did...i like wake up calls (most of the time...and i'm not talking about actual phone calls that wake me up...'cause they usually suck).

maybe i'm way off in my interpretation. that's another funny (probably not so much) thing about the Bible...there are SOOOO many different interpretations/translations of it and within those, there are SOOOO many different interpretations of the's pretty insane. I almost feel as though I could find a church somewhere that would interpret a verse in just about any and every shade of grey. that's where i have always felt pretty solid about myself and my own perspective. i really feel that in life and in God, we have to find our own paths...we have to trust what God has given each of us in the way of grey matter and really find our own interpretations. not to say that we shouldn't listen to what others say...just that ultimately, God holds each of us accountable for our own actions. i wonder if there really are supposed to be (per God) different interpretations for each of the scriptures...and that each variety speaks to one person or another in order to lead them towards God in their own unique way. so in that...the Vineyard has been pretty great. I really feel like they are open to a lot (liberal) and are almost hippyish in their way of interpreting the Bible. it's very odd...with open expression of spiritual gifts...people speaking in tongues...truly a new experience for me. i'm still not sure where i'm at with that. I get uncomfortable easily (as evidenced by a bead of sweat forming on my brow) which is something that God truly has quelled at times.

another nugget:
the sabbath was made to meet the needs of people, and not people to meet the needs of the sabbath. - mark 2.27

very interesting. i dont think I have heard that before...oh...i guess i have (it's underlined in my Bible). i'm a little slow tonight. oh well. work has been draining. too much stuff to do, too little time. i guess that's better than the alternative...i really dislike not having things to do at work. so the almost feels like Jesus is saying that we should use the Sabbath for that which we consider to be making the most use of it. (did that even make sense?)...but it's very generic. like saying "woman was made to meet the needs of man and not man to meet the needs of the woman" ok, that was a little chauvenistic...and doesnt quite draw a parallel...hmm..."computers were made to meet the needs of people and not people to meet the needs of computers" that's much better. so it feels like Jesus is saying that we can mostly do what we want on the it is a day of rest for us (that we can choose to use in any way we see fit - with all of the basic underlying assumptions about not doing things that bring shame to God and all that).

i'm getting tired and my content feels to be heading towards diminishing returns very shortly...

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

waffles (ported from myspace) is so odd. in some ways, things are predictable, regular...just the same old day to day "stuff". the wake up and go to work mode; the hey, i'm hungry feed me mode; the golly gee i'm tired leave me alone mode...then there's God. God has a way of not conforming (who would have thought, eh?)...God just does his own thing...stuff happens on His timing...we are merely reeds in the wind when it comes to God. the avg day to day stuff just blows off the comes to a halt...things are blown out of STOPS and yet, it speeds up at the same time. 4 hours feels like days...4 days seem like 10 minutes...connections are made...issues are surfaced, tears are shed.
Godisamazing - iamweak.
that about sums it up. i am soooo soooo weak. it's terribly sad. God reveals so much to me yet I still do not make a full hearted effort. He is so distant at times (when I do not seek Him)...He is so close at other times...I am so high many women that I know (in relationships)...ok...guys can be high maintenance too but it really seems as though our society encourages the art of being high maintenance for women. it's almost as though the feel like they are more desirable if they are tough to deal with...maybe they're just playing hard to get or whatever. it's still lame...whatever the excuse (reason).
Back to God. I have come back to God. I am talking about God again. I was not gone from God so much as I never really stuck around long enough to see what He was really about. He constantly amazes me in the the sheer amount of *stuff* that's going on with Him. God is always on time...that will never cease to blow my mind. it is as though he is a puppeteer, carefully orchestrating a dance amongst many many puppets that are all sorta free minded but still mostly under his control...knowing all, pulling strings here and there to ensure that they are all in time...that they (we) hear Him when He with joy and generally just live life.
i have spent a ton of time gaming in the past few months...a ton of time that could/should have been spent actually DOING something meaningful...even if it were only spent learning just a bit more about linux, reading some dorky tech book, browsing the would have been better spent. I spent so much time this weekend seeking God and begging for Him to move closer to pull me fill help me...then so much more time thanking Him for all of the blessings from the weekend. Now that I'm back home...I need to be reading the Bible hold myself accountable to what I know I should do (ten second pause to go grab Bible) spend time with meditate on seek Him read the Bible pray out consciously focus on Loving God as the focus of my re-prioritize my life...
I considered getting rid of my PS3 for a long while this past weekend...I guess I figure that gaming just consumes (eats without productive any worthwhile by-products) my time. I think I realized just how much free time I have...and how I totally throw it down the toilet when I game. It's not that it's a terrible thing...just that there's so much more that I could be doing with my time, my life than to "play" online for hours at a time, days in a row, months on end.
I just ordered a book that I think will help me out..."How to read the Bible for all it's worth" I'm thinking that this will be the start of a new path of education and wisdom-gaining...I plan to spend time at nights (I'm a night person) reading the Bible (devotional time) and also reading other "value-add" must be value-add.