2 (ported from myspace)

(Gen 18:1-2, 9-15) reading about sarah and abraham this morning...in the context of "fear". it reveals an interesting side of God in that a lot of times it seems like God is a God of fear and that he will just lay down the preverbial hammer on us (striking folks down when carrying the ark of the covenant and whatnot) without too much provocation. This story...after reading it in the context of how it display's God's rational, loving side...really shows that He understands that we are human and that we are going to make mistakes...and He already knows which disappointments we are going to live through...He already knows the plan He has for us (Jer 29:11)...and what we are going to do with what He has given us in the form of intellect (one that I will be ever-thankful for...both my own and that of others that He has blessed me with knowing), material blessings, friends, family, the particular upbringing that each of us experienced, the jobs we have...so much.

back to the story...even though God knew that Sarah doubted Him to the point of laughing at His promise of a child...He did not snap at her, but simply delivered on his promise and gave them a child (which He later tested Abraham with...proving Abe's mettle yet again...). I suppose the reality of this story is that we should all see how good God is in our own daily lives and build our faith on that. I get so frustrated...so often...with my work situation...my relationship...silly little things...God tests me over and over again...and it is sad how often I get caught on the little things...I get caught up with the fact that I have not been promoted...though I have already been blessed with so much in my life. I tend to focus too much on being happy...vs being joyful in what I have...who I have...what God has done for me/given to me...smiles!

another (concious) realization of late...is how impactful being in the Bible every day is. I am so lazy and have such a tough time getting into the routine of reading everyday...i have this devotional book "Fearless" that my bro Alex gave me that i'm trying to work through...(prompted this whole monologue)...diggin it. it's one of those 40 day plan/devotionals with a surfing theme...pretty neat. anyways...i'm going to make an earnest effort to build devotional time/bible reading time into my schedule...starting with this book. good times...

what a great way to start the work day...friday even. hmm...stream...hawaii...costa rica...life is so odd...i love the continual shifting of focus...of the random insights...of the random friends and random messages...i love self discovery...love learning...love questioning - special note on that topic: i have be internally deliberating about what I should be spending my time on...studying the Bible...or studying computers/linux. not that they are really parallel studies...but they are both vying for my time...for my cognitive processes to choose them to develop and work on...in august...i chose linux...i read through an entire book (~600 pgs of tech-geek speak) and carried it with me everywhere...it really got me thinking as to what my commitment was/should be...yeah. fun stuff...anyways...i guess i am usually more compelled to study about linux because it's fun...i say fun because they are both "interesting" topics in that I can get excited/stimulated/edumacated by reading about linux or by reading the bible...and i know that they are both great topics for me to learn. the bible...i learn about God and all of the facets of God in my life...little revelations such as the one today...that might not don on me unless looked at from another angle...and i know linux is good, as i do have some sort of almost innate understanding of computers...and i brutalized them for so long that i really feel that i should be giving back...and i feel that linux allows me to do that. in fact, just today, i gave two linux books and a burned (legal) copy of my favorite flavor to a guy at work...

its a very interesting study..."the bible vs linux"...they are both "open source"...they are both pretty much free (just need to invest time in both...other than the computer, i suppose)...but i think what really catches me is that they are both evangelical...i say that because Christianity is quite obviously evangelical...but it is somehow more PC to talk about linux. not that i'm about being PC as that has always been something i have tried to challenge and push the limits on (some areas of PC are a joke to me...and i have to challenge things that just don't make sense)...weird. so i'm not about being PC...but it is easier to talk about linux. is it more socially acceptable to talk about linux? not sure. i do know that when i bring up Christianity at work...whether provoked or not...i tend to get nervous...probably red in the face and a fun little sheen shows up on my forehead...but yeah...i'm also ok with "growing pains"...hmm...yeah...that's one of my primary internal discussions of late...i know i'm supposed to be working/living to glorify God...which I can do through knowing the Word as well as knowing what gifts I have been given and using them to the fullest (my utmost for His highest?) of my ability...i suppose it's just a fine balance...ensuring that the different areas of my life are in check.

fun...kindergarten discussion...these are the things going on inside my mess of color laden hair (it's dead...why not add some color to it?). i need to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and get some more coffee into my belly...

why don't more people blog? is everyone afraid to share their thoughts with the world? i was a little apprehensive about posting my first blog...but i just jumped...like on the Screamer @ Hume....just do it. not like the nike commercial...but like ben stiller in starsky and hutch where he dresses up like the EYE-talian guy in the green sweat suit with the huge side burns..."hey...DO IT" haha...i love that line. but yeah...i'm really curious as to why there aren't more of these. i'm sure everyone has their private little journals...whether a physical book or on some random, myspace-esque server in silicon valley...pouring out thoughts...that you can see visibly, tangibly in front of you...it just helps...i'm sure all the shrinks in the room agree...never mind the fact that i'm alone now...

man, i chewed the poo outta my tongue last night while eating pizza @ family night...ouch...i'm not a fan of the day-after the tongue biting swollen, dulled pain sometimes bleeding tongue thing. doesn't mix well with hot, strong coffee...bah.

running out of intelligent things to say...to tired after not enough sleep to want to say something unintelligent (beyond what has already been schpielled on this page....)

...another title... (ported from myspace)

so i'm not really sure where all i'm going with this, but i'm inspired to say. that's it...just say. just reading a message and found this "Go with your gut Kyle... That part of life is more simple than we think... " and i liked it. not that i didnt like it the first time i read it...just that i like having things/words/people/places/whatever around me that make me think. simple...i like to think. i like people who think...who question...who don't just use windows (not that there is anything wrong with using windows...well...yeah SKIP that topic for now)...but the ones that wonder...that ponder and allow their thoughts to travel...and just kinda hang on for the ride sometimes. the mind is a wonderful thing and i'm personally really enjoying finding out about mine...though i don't always find what i wish i found...it's almost like Christmas...but not. here's a quickie...i like computers...always have. not sure why...but we just get along (not worth questioning)...so i have this almost-innate sense that anything computers and me...we should just get along. but that's not always the case. i can get by on computers...i'm a pretty good "end user" of most things...and even a darn good "key user"...wherein i have a specialty in a particular app or suite and i can troubleshoot/become extremely proficient in using/help others with them...but i'm not a programmer. i dabble in shell scripting...but i guess it's just not my thing...i like some of the things it can do for me, but i'm not absolutely enthralled with it. i like having the ability to build a script that will install all the apps i use frequently on my computer...as well as update my computer with all of the little latest and greatest patches and whatnot via a cron job...that's cool...



i digress...anyways...yeah, i've found that (and i think it was quite a revelation) i'm just not always going to be THE MAN when it comes to computers...and i guess i need to come to terms with that (pretty much have already...just kinda sorting through the detritus that is my brain and diggin up the few pieces that are worth working with...and running with them.) life is so funny at times and so freaking frustrating at others...(re: all my other blogs)...funny...me...i'm fun...i like having fun...i love making others laugh and feel better...it's just me. frustrating...not being good enough at something/trying hard enough at something/whatever to satisfy others (something that gets driven into my head here at work over and over and over...yada yada... again every day)



music freakin rocks. listening to angels and airwaves right now...and it just "get's me off"...there's not much in this wonderful world that God built that compares...that's one of the reasons i love worshiping at church...theres just something about it...when it all hits...the lyrics...my mood (i sound like a woman, ugh)...the melody...the person leading worship...yeah...it's like nothing else...i remember when i saw third day @ the del mar fairgrounds during their set at last year's spirit west coast set...i knew all the words...they were rocking...everyone was praising God...that's what it's all about...that's great...people just loving on God... stepping to the side...weird when all those same people are walking out of the stadium...they all (including me, most of the time) lose the whole mentality that they had just two minutes ago...when it was them, the band and God...everyone's pushing and shoving to get out...and that whole sentiment doubles once folks are in their cars...kinda sucks. why do we have to be like that? why do we just suck sometimes... it sucks to just BLAME it on the ever-present humanity that we all have...sucks to just call it sin...something about us that we have to deal with...asking for forgiveness sucks...(especially from God). not that i'm opposed to it, as we are always going to have something to ask forgiveness for...but dang...every day. i fail every day...sometimes even before i'm fully awake...i'm the biggest grouch in the mornings, no matter how much sleep i've had...whatever.



so yeah...i love "stumbling" around on the 'net. it's great...there's so much interesting stuff out there. i'm not so good at going through a 10 page technical how-to on installing the latest and greatest KXdocker from binary...or taking the time to build a package for it that might help others do the same... (i'm probably good at that...but i'm going to blame that on my job..where i deal with numbers and fixing stuff on the 'puter all day...every day...that's a bummer...maybe i need a hands on job so I can still go home and play with the stuff i enjoy?)...yeah...life...fun...not so fun at times...life...me...music! fun...snow patrol rocks...should go see them tomorrow night at the wiltern...hmm...



that's about the end of it for now...streams only last so long...:)'s more...fun to try to stay in the mindset of just writing vs writing FOR someone...or TO someone...writing wrocks! that's another thing....i was actually commended (not sure it was said in a positive sense, but that's how i'm going to take it) for my use of "prose", ie, work terminoligy used in a very grandeloquent fashion...haha. it's great to be almost sarcastic when telling someone/everyone about this or that issue...work makes me laugh sometimes...but more often than not, that's just the only thing i can do that doesnt involve quitting on the spot. i'm going to stop...as i'm trying not to complain...even if it's only to my blog.



.s.m.i.l.e.!




Currently listening:
We Don't Need to Whisper
By Angels and Airwaves
Release date: 23 May, 2006

normalized (ported from myspace)

i'm not sure if i just gave up on work or what...but it sure has been a lot less stressful lately. I'm not sure if it's just because i haven't been doing as much or if i have just come to terms with the fact that i know i can't get everything done even if i work 12hrs a day. i have put in my fair share of long days in an attempt at getting the work done...and i have made some dents in it here and there but i found that doing that was a conflict of my work ethic and my work-life balance theory. i really do believe that one should make every effort to keep work at work and to keep it from affecting the personal side of life. that has been a struggle of late and a struggle that i'm not completely sure which side i'm on.

i'm a fan of work...i'm pretty good at what i do...i usually like what i do...and i think it will settle down within the next few months, but i'm still unsure as to whether or not this experience changed how i do work. i guess recapping the events of late is about all i have to let out on "normal" days...weird. i figured that i might not have a whole lot to say...i guess i'm just really curious as to what work is going to look like when i'm only doing one job instead of the ever-nebulous 2.3523234 jobs...it is so grey...so weird not really knowing what my priorities are at work. so weird just being at work and knowing that even if i didnt go home...and didnt really sleep that much...i still wouldnt get all of it done. feels helpless most of the time...the rest of the time, i'm just too busy doing the work to realize that life...and work...and opportunities to actually pause and make the place better...actually fix the problems...actually implement my good ideas...are just passing me by. i think that i really do get my enjoyment out of work through the improvements that i make...through the 1 time per month (or 3 months...whatever) that i get the acknowledgement that i'm doing a good job. maybe that's just what happens when it's like this. i think i really do drop more work and probably get in "trouble" (if that could ever happen) more than i get "props". i guess i wonder if i can ever get back to the point where i'm satisfied with just getting the job done, unnoticed or if i will forever be in this pseudo world that is work where everything has to be humorous because if i really took it seriously, i would either just walk out or i would stay and work 16hr days 6.5 days/week.

getting a raise is humorous at this point...work is piled high...things are falling to the floor...maybe, just maybe somebody else sees the light...sees that we are doing 4 jobs with just under two full time people...and that the responsibility for covering the balance falls on me. that's weird....i'm the only full time person in this department (i laugh at the mention of it being called a department in the fragmented state that it is in today)...i feel that no one really thinks i'm going to get back to them when they ask me a question...that it really wouldnt matter if i stayed or went as the productivity level that i work at varies so much day to day...hour to hour...even minute to minute...i digress...i suppose that's the point of this strange blog...not sure if i'm typing public or private...today is just to let out something...more of a curiousity of whether or not there is anything worth purging...to see if i have anything worth saying at all...as i have said it all before....just in a different order.

stream...stream...good news on the forefront: business trip to costa rica in october without sok...good and bad i suppose...a vacation that would have been great to share with her as well as (more than likely) much needed time apart. we live together work together (albeit in different ends/businesses of the plant)...eat together, sleep together...the whole gammut...so yeah...unsure of what that trip is going to look like. maybe it's my solitary answer to the annual "girls trip" that has been toned down from the all out (pre kyle) party in vegas...to the (early kyle) party in miami/south beach...to this year's scottsdale, az trip...i guess it's supposed to be a spa/relaxation trip. dunno...not thinking that a trip like that...with the history there is going to be fully acceptable...ever?...i guess i'll have to "noodle" on that one. work sayings crack me up. "one sentence, no prose" i've got your prose...no teeth, please. ugh. anyways...this is a positive sentence...costa rica...linux? we are cutting over to a new linux based tracking system instead of our current unix one. i guess the HP-UX licensing fees were price-prohibitive. the new "low cost" server fits our corporate theme of using low-cost slave labor in previously management staffed roles (oh, that's me)...haha i love this place. i guess i really am linux...a low cost version of unix...:) the way things are going lately and by these parallels...i think i might have to go with bill gates...( i hear that campbells (yeah, the soup company) is the new chlorox...brush up the resume..."sell myself"...something that PnG has trained me well at)...

heck with doing the work. seriously. i'm totally convinced that i could spend my day doing 3 things (in 2hrs/day) that "make headlines" at work...and probably don't really DO anything...and get all sorts of praise and i would end up being better off than if i spent all day doing the 16 things that were really the best for the business. so strange...i suppose that it would probably (maybe) catch up with me eventually. i don't think i would get any satisfaction out of that anyways. pays better though. haha.

why (ported from myspace)

why a subject...that's all, nothing serious. anyways...we just returned from my cousin paul's wedding and it was great. it really helped me to see how much they love eachother and how much they have sacrificed for eachother. it was great...it really made me think...what is the purpose of my life? not that i'm trying to dress up the eternal question of "what is the meaning of life?" or something along those lines, though i fear it will be/should be tossed in that same barrel. so anyways...i was driving home and just started thinking. normally after weddings, women tend to be all gooey and excited about the passion that the couple shared and how lovely this or that was...yada yada...all too predictable and all too true to laugh at. so yeah...i was running through all of those kinds of things in my mind...just so i would not be suprised by any oohs or aahs...and i started thinking about marriage.

suprisingly (or not, i'm still not sure), i think about it a lot. that is another one of the inevitable resultant emotions that come out of weddings...so it quickly turned from that into more of an internal...what is the purpose of my life "thought session"...it's pretty important to ponder such topics, as that is really what we are here to do...y'know...to fulfill our purpose...to do what we are here to do...to do what God made us to do...yeah. so i was thinking...i really don't DO much with my life. I go to work...which i'm not too stoked on at the moment...i make money...i go home...possibly stop here and there and spend some of the aforementioned moneys on this or that inconsequential item...dvd...new phone...apples...sure, all good things. get home...eat...sleep yeah, you know the drill. i guess i kinda felt that for the first bit of being a Christian, i had some time to ramp up...and to get my feet wet...to ease into it and find my place. i'm ok with that...it makes sense...but now...i have been a Christian now for about a year and a half...almost 2 yrs...and i really don't think i'm too much better off than i was then. not that i havent made progress...but branches that bear no fruit will be trimmed (i'm paraphrasing a bit on that one)...yeah.

so where's my outreach? where's my ministry....not that i need a following or anything crazy like that...but my interaction with church is currently limited to sundays and the standard wednesday class. i'm going to make an honest effort to get into a small group/home group...but they kinda scare me. i guess my recent experience with them portrayed them to be more of a social group...i don't need more things in my life that make me feel comfortable...or feel good about myself...or feel like i'm a "good" Christian...i'm really looking for good solid friends and good solid folks to tell me that i'm not doing too well in this area and that (i have a few friends that do that for me and it's the best and the worst thing...i tell myself that some of the things that i do are not ok...and i do work through them internally very frequently...and i have made some progress...but i'm definitely still a work in progress and i NEED reality checks from folks to keep me grounded...there is already way too much BS (balogna sticks, right?) in the world to induldge in more of the same...intentionally)...so yeah. home group? small group? i guess i'm looking for God to reach out and pull me in...or to open the right door...i'm a n003 in this area...and what i have seen has not been promising...ugh. i'm sick of myself..

...and i should be looking for a new job...but that is a whole seperate topic for a whole seperate internal discussion...dunno....bla! here goes another pale attempt at sleep before another ridiculous week of PnG.