/. (ported from myspace)

so yeah...happy. happy is something often overlooked. i have come to understand that happy is based on the now...the today..."current events"...temporary situations...anyways...without further musings in this direction...happy is a short term sensation. having said that...there are a few states that I often find myself in: I internally deliberate a lot (for better or worse) about day to day events...often lacking an emphasis on the positive...i find my self looking back on a "happy" weekend (the topic of this stream)...i find myself confused and pondering this or that...and occasionally, i find myself stuck in introspection...lost inside myself...just thinking about how/why i am who i am...and really...just thinking about "who i am"...not necessarily why i'm here...but about me. i don't consider myself a vain person...but i think it's healthy to do an internal audit...maintain some form of internal controls to ensure that the exterior really truly reflects the interior...like my car...well...probably a bad example..hmmm ahh...drop it
the initial topic of this stream was to be thinking about happy days...not the TV show...but days when i'm happy. I often find that in the minute...when it's happening...it's not really all that pleasurable....not sure why...but i really find the most "happiness" in a situation when looking back on it. kinda weird... not to say that there aren't moments of happiness in my life...as i do enjoy the "little things" i do appreciate when folks get together and throw a birthday bash for me...i do find happiness when i am able to get someone the perfect wine glasses for her birthday...that kinda stuff...makes me happy in the moment. but really...in day to day life, i really don't see myself getting too happy (this blog was intended to be ABOUT the happy moments...hmm...i digress) so yeah...i think that happiness is mostly a term referencing the past. the yesterday...the moments that were "ok"...but that have to be coined something...i wonder if it's just that they mean more when put in full context of thought...in context of life (context seems to be a recurring buzz word for me, of late)...but in the moment...when i'm actually at the cafe reading my linux book...underlining fun sentences about printing or configuring multiple displays...or whatever...it's just life. maybe life is those small moments...of neutrality...pieced together to form the "whole"...the complete puzzle that is me. so...let's say that life just happens....and it is those after the fact decisions (whether it's after the fact .05 seconds later...or .5days later) that really allow us to determine what it was...how it impacted us. interesting...in the sense that it is of interest to me : ).

joy...yeah...that is still something that i strive to achieve. i suppose many of the ideals out there are but things to be achieved...or to be reached for but never fully attained. would it be dissatisfying to achieve true joy in life? what would be left if we could be truly, 100% joyous here on earth. i suppose we would have to be joyous all the time...dunno. joy is still something that eludes me. it is so deep...so self sustaining...i don't know God to that depth yet...i don't trust God to that degree...i'm weak...i still sin too much (see how quickly i dissolve into self pity?)...i'm terribly prideful...i am vain...how are these strengths? how can i use this weak body to glorify God? this conversation has become a waste of time...i wonder if i should just let it go...this blog is for "venting"...for letting out all of these thoughts in my head that i don't tell anyone...or is it that i'm afraid to actually tell someone my thoughts and that it's easier to just put them here and casually hint that all of my deepest thoughts and emotions are here on a public page for any dog to read? yeah...that about sums it up. i yearn for depth of understanding of others and to reciprocate that...but this is all I know...this has been a great outlet for me...and a pretty decent way of letting others in (if they dare...buwahahahah!)...but is it just an excuse for not just being out there? is it a one-sided, unhealthy deposit of me with no counterbalance? is that even something I can ask? nope. hands down, nope. but life is good.
i can't really complain too much.
work sucks...poor me. haha. i live way above the poverty line...going to costa rica AND hawaii in the next 2 months...yeah...can't much complain about that. i suppose i just yearn to find my place. i think i'm desperate for something. i was watching this japanese import movie called "initial D" about drifting in japan...kind of a fast and the furious movie...but more grassroots...in that it doesnt have all the fancy neon and foo foo stickers. it totally made me want to move to japan...to experience another culture...why play life on the safe side? am i going to be sitting around in 20yrs, retired...knowing that i COULD have done this or that? what if I just quit and moved to japan? or china? or thailand over to long island? WHAT IF? that's the question we are supposed to ask...(who said we're supposed to ask, anyways?) what would happen? would I survive? would i have enough drive to get by? what would change if i went there? would it be any different? i would still strive to earn enough to get by and have a little left over to play with...i would still like gadgets and computers...how now brown cow? where to R2D2? haha. seriously...who am I...that's really not what i'm asking.....i have moved on to the perennial "WHY AM I HERE" hahahahaha. is it lame that I ask that question...or is it only lame because every other person in the world asks it so now i'm "typical" normal...just another joe (kyle, actually, but you can call me taco!).
drink more water, y'all...it's going out of style...starbucks...cha for tea...it's all comin down the pipes and water is on the out and out...why drink alcohol? i made chili tonight...with beer (which just so happens to be the best liquid for chili as it seems to break down the meat...keeping it nice and tender soft)...and i just figured i would chug the last...5-6ounces...so i got a little buzz on (yeah....i'm a super lightweight...don't drink much, but i do happen to have a Duvel in the fridge with my name on it:)....so yeah...i had a little temporary buzz going...why? why is that a "pleasant" sensation? feeling dizzy? is it because it's self induced and intentional? dunno yo.

web pages of the week...
http://www.kubuntu.com (new version coming out sometime this month v6.10)
http://slashdot.org
http://www.myspace.com
http://mail.aol.com
http://www.google.com

actually...that's a pretty good summary of all of the pages i frequent...i'm really a little on the boring side.....i'm tired of me...i'm going to bed...i'll think about today tomorrow...maybe then i'll realize what/why/how i wrote this. (i'm really not drunk...i do weigh 193lbs, y'know : ) simplemeout

Currently listening:
101
By Depeche Mode
Release date: 25 October, 1990