Wednesday, November 01, 2006

pour it on / out (ported from myspace)

not sure which....just do it. life is too short. it is way too easy to just do the day to day and to never really dig into what's there. what's going on in people's heads? do people even think about what their thinking about? "why am i thinking this?" "is it good to be thinking that?" "who thinks about me after i talked to them about that thing that they did back before they told me about the dude who told me to go to that place before i went over there?" something like that. art or something. i'm probably not very good at it. i'm not intrinsically artistic. what's interesting is that on all of those fun "who are you" tests...myers-briggs and whatnot...i come out as like 55% introvert...but anyone who i tell that to laughs in my face and retorts with something to the effect of..."yeah, are the epitome of extroversion" i pour my thoughts out here. this is my drain...where i talk to myself in public (i figure it's better to post here than to sit around the office muttering to myself...might lose my job over that ;) not that i'm really talking to myself...just thinking to myself (if i talked out loud, that might signal a shift towards extroversion...the external faucet of my thoughts being turned on vs just internalizing most everything and turning the blender on pulse)

interesting shift of perspective at work. with all of the travel/training last week...i have taken on the perspective that i just need to get my job done. sounds pretty freakin obvious (can i have a captain obvious badge, please?) but it's more than just talk...and i'm not sure if it's a permanent perspective/if i want to work to make it a permanent perspective/if i want to work to make it only a temporary perspective...but it has been interesting. i say that because in the past week, i missed a connecting flight in ATLanta...stayed overnight in some ghetto hotel, wherein, i, knowingly sacrificed an already slender 4hrs of sleep to log in to work and get caught up on some stuff that would have otherwise been a little on the messy side. ended up passing out after a bit and getting 45mins or so of shuteye. couple that with the fact that i was here until 745p last night...went home, crashed and came back in at 145a today...i'm really not sure if this place is getting to me. i'm not sure if i want that manager mindset wherein i will do whatever has to be done to get "the job" done. i really, truly think that if i end up taking on that mindset, it will get to will start taking over my life. i'm not just throwing about arbitrary banter here....i have seen it happen. managers (young, impressionable, straight outta college) get thrown into this high pressure, high $$, highly competetive workplace and they get swallowed, like a black hole.

is there a place to work that pays reasonably (another topic altogether...really seems that lifestyle rather easily increases to accomodate this variable), requires reasonable hours (i'm thinking 50 could be draining if it were every week...and i just don't see the point in working 10hrs a day when i really only have ~16-18hrs to play with...) and allows me to sufficiently flex myself and pressure myself to learn. hmm interesting not sure what to do with that thought. this job "could" hypothetically, theoretically do that...but it could also become the beast that is P&G management mentality (sure, it exists elsewhere, but i'm going to stay in this world for now)...hmm what the heck. what if i quit and found another job that paid more (would that just be acknowledging the fact that money is top dog?) for doing the same thing...possibly take on some fun management title that i could throw around...i do have a fun "resume ready" title or two now...but hmm just the same. dunno dogg...going to have to ponder that one. maybe i should just move one step closer and put some more finishing touches on my "sell myself document" and throw it around just to see who's biting? lazy...tired from too many long days...need...need to just space out for a few weeks...months...just leave me alone with my computer for a bit to play and to really get something going...what would i get going? dunno...maybe then i would have some time to figure that out..nah...i don't think that life / humans are to be figured out...we just are. ponder this ponder! moving right along......sleep becomes me...guess i will get back to the grind (bummed that i missed halloween with the lil ones last night : (

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