to blog or not to blog, that is the question.
i'm so tired of being tired. i'm not really sure what to say or to expect from the next day...they all come one at a time...but what really gets me is how random life is. not that i'm really doing anything terribly impactful at the moment with my life nor am i really sure what my plan is for making an impact. i'm really just floating again...down the river...going with the flow...what really constitutes an impact? what would really make for a worthwhile life? i'm just not sure. there is so much out there in life...so much opportunity...but there...stop right there...
what is opportunity? does that mean that there are so many "million dollar ideas"...ideas that just need to be acted upon? i don't like million dollar ideas. they are stressful...they are fun to talk over coffee...but who really wants to work that much? who wants to worry that much about something so temporary as money. even with a secular mindset, it is tough to justify spending this life just to make and spend money. so...opportunity. does that mean that i should take more time to excercise opportunities to share God's love with folks? that one really sounds the best to me...i'm just not that good at it. i'm needy. i spend way too much time just thinking about stuff. not necessarily stuff that makes sense...i will probably never be happy in a relationship...i'm not totally sure why...it just feels to me that there is always going to be something major in each one that will prevent me from being fully satisfied. so that's another interesting thing...so yeah...we (Christians) know that in this life, we are not really ever going to be fulfilled...except through Christ...except the times when we drop "life" and truly embrace God for all that he is. I'm not really motivated in life to the degree that i "should" or "could" be. so...i'm not sure if that means that i'm doing what i'm supposed to or if i really should make the effort to fully excercise my abilities...at work, in my relationships, in my friendships, my family, my spirituality...what is the ever elusive "should"?
but really...it's days like today when i have 8 hours to myself..where i just want to listen to the birds....not that i'm a huge fan...listen to the hum of the computer fan...just relish in life. these are the days when i re-center myself around who i really am. i'm still not 100% that i'm not just being totally selfish...but i feel that there is a balance between being selfish and doing something for yourself so that you can do more for others. that is something that i shall continue to seek after. that....i would say...is one of my "gifts".
now i feel like i'm talking Xmen speak...like i found out that i can walk through walls...and maybe it is that important. i dont know. so...what i really said is that i think that my constant struggling...my inability to settle or to be satisfied with...much of anything just might be a good thing. i probably have a ton of polishing to do...i know i do, no use in false pretenses. so that though brought up a faint hint of human nature. we are all programmed...by society...to not be satisfied. it's pretty disgusting. we are told not to be satisfied with what we have (by ads...by the media...by eachother)...we are told not to be satisfied with this or that in our relationships...that w should...that we deserve to have the perfect marriage...the perfect kids...hmm...they dont exist. but by living under these...we make ourselves slave to the world. my macbook is a chain...it is just another worldly possession that steals away from my ability to commit myself to God and to live my life according to his will and ties another piece of my soul to this world. we are grounded to this world by our possessions...by our lust* for a perfect marriage/relationship. i say lust because it is a similarly "surface" desire. something that has no logical...emotional...no healthy basis for existing. i don't want the "Mr and Mrs Smith" marriage - not the one from the movie - but the pervasive images that the media pushes onto us...and that we push onto eachother as to what a perfect marraige looks like.
it would be amazing if we could have a time-out in life. an easy button where we could just push it and spend a day...a week...a true vacation with God. There are moments...mostly during worship...where i really do connect with God...but the rest of the time, i just feel like i'm not really doing what i should be doing and that "when i get home, i'm going to spend some time with God" I have said that to myself so many times...it's almost unreal that i still believe myself when i say it.
on that note...i'm going to go throw my macbook on the charger with my ipod...go to latte 101 and read my bible. ;)