again....futility. is all for naught? I feel as though the thoughts and insanity in my mind echoes this book...as though my life were a mirror of these thoughts...played out in the shakespearian theater that is my distorted mind. i so often feel as though the only way to break out of this cycle is to abandon that which i know and truly put ME to the test. that's not just horrible english...but truly the battle that I wage internally so very frequently. quit job (everyone says it's a good job...or rather, that it's a good company to work for...but I am so dissatisfied by it) my job is the epitome of the worthlessness that is this human existence - we make toilet paper. aside from the fact that everything we do gets flushed down the toilet (sure, you can argue that it has its moment...and an important moment at that)...I don't even contribute to directly making this poo paper...i provide data as to how well we did during the making of said paper. how secondary...how temporary...how futile!
like really...I can do a good job at what i do...i can do a freaking great job at it in fact...but i am not convinced that this is what God made me for. my capability is so much more than what i am doing...i feel like the Z06 )read: FAST( corvette that is bought up by a car collector (pNg) only to be parked amidst a collection of other cars...some nice, some not so nice... (i'm not trying to say that i'm better than anyone else...just that i feel like my potential is SOOOOOOOOOOO much more than my current task requires)...ugh bla pfft!
futility. i have been trying to make more time for reading the Bible. i'm so pathetic. I know that me reading the Bible is simply a matter of me not doing something else (computer related, more likely than not) and picking up the Bible that is 6" from my bed and putting in some quality time. I defer to God in prayer...I am too weak...i give in to the worldly, "fun" tasks instead of reading that which provides purpose.
putting 1 and 2 together, it might seem obvious that i just need to spend more time in the Bible then waa lah! bada bing bada boom! i know what i want to do or i find some facet of work that fills me...dunno dude. I have yet to explore that...i really really enjoy this daily verse that i get from la illumina alma (book of light)...something like that. they send out a daily verse that i make time to read each morning (when at work) that helps me to get some scripture into my mundane regime...thats nice
not sure what else to say. how sad it is that my sole vent for my real voice is this page...this keyboard that knows me better than anyone else...these words that i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone in particular yet share with the world at large...unknowingly...blindly pouring my soul out onto this screen...filling pixel after wasted pixel with letters and words streamed from my inner being onto some server in the middle of nowhere owned by some large company that doesnt care a whit about me...only wanting a few clicks of the ads from me to pay for my existence...pay for my 0's and 1's stored away on a few Mb's of space. they don't care...my computer (golly, that sounds personal) doesnt care...in fact...i'm not even sure that i care. what's the point in posting this stuff publicly...except to seek out that unconfirmed affirmation that what i am and what i do is worth something? to see that as of now, there have been just over 1000 reads of my blogs...does that make me feel worthwhile? does that justify me? i dont think so. i drink up precious water (water really is quite a freakin awesome miracle)...use up gallon after stinky gallon of gas...pollute endless cubic meters of our precious atmosphere...buy all of these silly electronic devices as if they are the very thing that will preserve my life when I am old and this crappy body sits decaying in a chair waiting for me to leave so it can finally rest and return to the earth in some attempt to return all of the nutrients that i wrecklessly consumed to the earth...to God...wow.
futility. i would have a hard time justifying the energy and life that i consume for a single day let along all (365*27+10+31+30+31+31+28+31+30+31+3+23hr+39mins) of my life. ok, so i can't really take credit for the first 5 years or so as I was still trying to learn to eat, sleep and not wet myself at the same time...but dang. what is the value of life? infinite! some might say with a passionate cry. so i have wasted infinite amounts of money (is that really what this world comes down to?)...air - what is the value of air?...water...hmm...God's time and energy in creating me, watching me, listening to me, talking to me? that does sound more appropriate.
futility. this life...so we have so many things in us that are said to be "innate". born with. instinctual. human. so yeah...for instance...suckling on one's mother as an infant...before we learn to control our bodies...we know how to find food. we know certain things...we will learn to walk without much encouragement. we know how to take care of young. we know that giving is good (some study showed that humans gain satisfaction at a core level when we give - like charity)....it is in our nature to serve (heard this at church...though i would still say that it's one of the hardest things to CONCIOUSLY do)...hmm...I would say that we are selfish. whether that's a product of society or biology...who knows... (nature vs nurture...yada yada). but dang....i would say that most of what i (or we, considering that sokny is pretty much attached to my side - for better or worse...i'm sure i have already written somewhere about how much of a pathetic partner i am) most of what i do is completely selfish. work...earn money for me to spend on me...get praised for what a good job i do (makes me feel good)...type on the computer to get out the thoughts that ravage my brain day in and day out...work until 1030 to make tomorrow easier for me...travel to new york so i don't have to trust sokny...i can just be there with her and not have to worry (as much) since i still have a really hard time trusting her. oh yeah...and bop around new york for fun (for me). go to church for my own eternal sake. what do i do for others. ooh...i bought a CD for someone at work...i sold something on ebay for someone else...i give computer advice to folks at work...i talk to people and try not to be mean. hmm i complain about my job because I'M bored...because i'm not getting paid enough or whatever. what do i really have to complain about at work...or in life for that matter.
it's an odd thing that people from cultures that are financially less fortunate are happier. makes you wonder if you just quit everything you know and moved to some 3rd world country (funny how they are happier, yet we still put them below us in "rank")...and made a life there. spread the word of God to unbelievers...lived life...actually got to know people. so the immediate argument for "running away"...(truly, both sides can be argued with equal merit)...is that "if I run away, who is going to minister to the folks I work with now?" i have no idea (laughing now)...i'm really just searching for my purpose in life.
read part of the purpose driven life. some books are just too "committal" for me. "pick up your cross and follow me". so many interpretations of that. does that mean that I should just leave? so many interpretations...ok, no, it means that i have to pick up my cross daily...that cross being the burden of sharing the gospel with others at work on a daily basis...hitting the human reset button and devoting my current existence to God. blah...is this a curse? what is a curse? blah.!@#Jkslzfjiaosjfd;alks;32512. I really wonder how long this can go. it amazes me how bodies (mine would be the subject of this particular dissection) just cannot focus on one thing for too long. Not ADD necessarily...but more in the sense of just not really having the capability to do something for a prolonged period...like typing this in depth monologue...like sitting in front of a computer learning a new task 1 on 1 with someone else...like digging into a particular program issue. like my brain either overloads...after which i need a break...or just shuts down...like a laptop battery using up the reserve...it needs some time to recharge after such intense use. intense use...that sounds like i'm actually putting my body to work. why do i feel as though i don't do that often enough. on previous subject, i wonder how long I could really type into this thing before i just dwindle into incomprehensibility...probably not worth trying as that would waste my time and yours. is this worthwhile?
new background just changed...it's set to change at random every 30 mins...ugh...tired. haha...what a lame title that was and how amazing that it lasted for so long. tired. futile...all negative. does this vent in my life represent the negative that opposes the positive that i give off during the day? nah. i do have quite a suprising bit of negativity in me. it's freaking weird. some things just frustrate me to no end. things about me, about the world, about ebay, about my car, about how trivial life seems to be, about how complicated everything/everyone is...and without even trying to be complicated/difficult, about relationships, sex, no sex )not funny, though i'm laughing deliriously now(, about hormones, emotions, cameras, pictures, technology, ugh...so much frustrating stuff in life. is this what it is like to NOT live in heaven? are these the things that will work beautifully when we get there? how will it be possible to live in coexistance with eachother as individuals and yet get along perfectly. that is quite a quandry (luckily we have God to work on that one for us).
blog pictures hiking AMD processors vs Intel Core Duo's (intel's current chips are a better deal for the dollar right now)...mac vs PC (skip)...linux...career...shawn mcdonald (rocking artist of the blog!) getting tired. let's see...worked from 645-615, then 8-1030...13hrs. maybe i can just not show up tomorrow (oh...today). bah...i have to at least drive sokny in at 5...she left her car at work and rode home with her parents after dinner. hmm. i suppose i will get "not so much" sleep. oh well. it's overrated. that would be nice...if we didnt have to sleep. keep dreaming sucka. i remember something from slashdot.org about drugs that mimicked sleep while being awake...something like 72hrs straight with an improvement in cognitive functions...cool. i would probably complain about that too. i suppose this ends my run of blathering about nothing.....