and the topic of todays call is (ported from myspace)

"be an evangelist for the things you love" and/or the curiosity "build god, then we'll talk" (song title...just interesting).

i have always struggled. I could stop there. that does sum up quite a bit of me. but anyways. i have always struggled with being an evangelist for things of this world. linux tends to be a bit religious...and i do think that some people get carried away with it sometimes. but anyways...there's something that i see as being almost anti-religion about being all pro-something. like if i were to wear a linux shirt...which I do on occasion...i'm advertising linux. now, why wouldnt't i/shouldn't i wear a shirt with a cross on it or something instead. am i saying that linux is more important that church, christ, god and my faith? i mean really...if you boil it down...our number one goal on this planet is to evangelize...or is it? err...should it be? um...have we even really sat back and tried it? I have been through a few conscious situations wherein i have made a focused effort to spread the good news. not that there have only been a handful...it's just that they always seem to be so demanding. they stand out. they are nervous times... treading on eggshells or broken glass types of moments. i really don't think that's how it's supposed to be. or maybe it's the small things...those day to day attempts to follow in His footsteps that really make the difference.

i know deep down inside at a "core" level when i am thinking rationally and all at peace/rest, etc, that it really is my effort and making the effort to spread the Word that constitutes what I should be doing every day. i suppose the key is to just focus more and more on doing the things that God would have us do (speaking in summary here to keep the thoughts flowing) that really brings us closer to God. thinking more about what God would have us do will naturally elevate our thoughts to God vs. to the things of this world. thinking about helping others, tending to widows and orphans...helping the sick, feeding the poor and worshiping God are all so much better than a day spent at work...which really only nets out to paying my bills, feeding myself...housing myself and ensuring that ATT doesnt cut off my iPhone and my precious mobile internet (it does way more than that, i promise). i dont even like talking on the phone or even phones in general...i just like that there are so many of them and i get this crazy high from making them do things that they aren't intended (by cingular or other carriers) to do. enough about me (again).

ugh

i make me sick. really. this whole rat race. it's just one big race to die. one big self realizing, stick it to the man, get more for me, i'm better than you, look at me i'm great, look at my body my fancy clothes and my cool sunglasses they're all better than yours race. what is this? we dont even really work out of necessity. it's just a nicety...a societally impressed mandate that we all try to make more money so we can spend more on ourselves...or have a bigger wedding. so much of my frustration starts with a single stone. not that i mind spending the money on the ring...but to me it is so much more about the meaning of the ring than the freaking material. i just want a cheap ring. i do want something that will last (as long as it needs to on this earth)...like a steel size ten comfort fit ring that let's all the ho's in the world know that i'm really not interested. ugh yeah...the stone. so really. we can say all day that women are socialized differently...but i suppose that it all boils down to me having an iphone, macbook and a car and sok having a big fat ring. priorities are different but they all boil down to us wanting things of this world when these resources that we have are a huge responsibility (back to the spiderman quote that captures so much of my thoughts of late "to whom much is given, much is expected" or something like that). there is also a paraphrased parallel parable (say that three times fast) that i can attempt to share and have shared more frequently of late about a master and his three servants. he entrusts each of them to five bucks. the first goes and buries it in the earth thinking that he is being a good steward of the master's money by protecting it from theft or other dangers. the second goes off and fritters it away (i think that's straight from the new king james translation) on worldly pleasures (arby-que's or something). the third goes and puts the money to work and increases it. you know the story. at the end of the week, the master comes back to the three servants and asks "what did you do with my money...where is it?" the first guy goes and digs it up and shows the 5 bucks to the master, proud as a 2 year old of the fist time using the toilet: "here it is!" the master gets mad. "i could have buried the money...thanks for nothing" the second servant relates his tale of debauchery and intoxication... to more disappointment from the master. the third shows the earnings...a hefty fifteen dollar increase. the master responds "good and faithful servant...good job"

ok, so i butchered the summary...but the basics are there. looking in at my life...i'm just a dumb drunk...burying some money for a "later" that may never come while others starve...missing the opportunity to be fed with my money that is oh so tactfully buried in the nether regions of some JP morgan server farm...earning a whopping 9.96% since inception...bla bla. what to do? is the american dream what i'm looking for? or is that the exact thing that we are told to abandon (the things of this world) in search of a higher authority's calling? hmm. WTF?

so i suppose that i am in search of something. not that i'm looking for religion...i have a God..I know him. I am looking for "the meaning of (my) life". what am i to do with my gifts. this is where sunday's message comes in. it was a great dissertation about evangelism...from which i took the single sentence "be an evangelist for the things you love". conflict. 2 trains of thought here...1) i should evangelize the things i love (computers music bla bla) in the hopes that others who are interested in the same will see my genuine love and openness...and be curious thereby opening an avenue by which i can share God's love and the gospel with them. (truncate) or 2) i should love God first and foremost and thus, should abandon ALL (self, others, stuff) and follow him.

quandry

i struggle with evangelism + things of this world. they seem so diametrically opposed...so foreign to eachother. like twins (the movie)...like peanut butter and motor oil...green eggs and vomit...ugh i dont get it. not that i can't figure out how to evangelize through them...it just throws up a barrier that needs to be thought through...broken down for better digestion of aforementioned sermon. should i have gone to see jars of clay instead of snow patrol? what is this opposition? why are the things that i want the very things that i know i should be dropping by the wayside and trading in/up for things that are not of this world? why is this world so wrong. there are so many things about humanity that are just so incomplete. it is absolutely amazing to step back from anything and realize it. paper is full of holes. food goes in...*$* goes out. why do we even have to go to the bathroom? (because we aren't in heaven...yeah, thanks :)...why does paint lose it's color and fade..why does life take so much work? why...yeah, i can ask questions all day long but the answer is the same. things of this world are not perfect...and that is the very thing that makes us take steps back...fall on our face and realize that this is all on purpose...the paint fades to help me see that nothing is perfect. me expecting anything to be perfect is me setting myself up for failure (which happens everyday)...striving for perfection...is to strive for failure....only to know that Christ has already paid the price for that failure...already made up the most important gap by dying on the cross.

this is feeling very odd. skip topic

tired again (in life)...there is no accountability in this life...things have run amok!

i'm done with this purging...my brain has filled up instead of the reciprocal...still don't know what i want to do with my life...(ooh....maybe thats part of the problem...that i'm looking for what i want to do vs. what He wants me to do...hmm) bah! kyle...out!