my head hurts from all of this senseless jabber. i really wonder if most people talk just to find the tidbits in other people's lives that they feel are worth telling to someone else. why talk? most people dont ever really dig deep enough to make it worthwhile. talk about the weather, the lakers, how the filet at lunch was a little fatty for your personal preference...what really matters to people. i think that so much of life is wasted on talk that does nothing...goes nowhere...just for the entertainment of the few and the loud.
i do think that i am more introspective than most folks and i suppose i'm ok with that. not that i dont have my periods of just blabbering on towards no real goal or purpose...i think i do that more than i really should. i know i'm not perfect.
i guess more than anything, i'm frustrated right now that i struggle so much with being human. it is painful. it is painful having to struggle against myself so much of the time. i don't know whether i'm just being idealistic or if i just suck at being perfect, but i really feel like i am here to struggle. i recall the work that we did in thailand and the outstanding theme for me was "struggling". i struggled to work in the 120 degree heat, i struggled to not show as much affection to sokny, i struggled to stay focused on God, i struggled to make the effort to try to communicate and connect with the workers, I struggled with myself…to be better. Ack…this is all coming off like all I do is sit around and try to be better. I wish. I struggle just thinking about reading the bible and going to church and reaching out to folks. God has plans for me (good ones! – Jer29:11) and I struggle to give up control to god and to just let go. I have a tough time letting go and releasing stuff to god in general. I stress so much about any relationship that I’m in. I stress about trusting the woman that I’m with and just letting that go to god. It really is his. I need to trust god that he has and will always put me in a relationship that will help to build me up and mold me as he sees fit. Whether he wants me to go through some rough times, so I can be stronger later or wants me to chill and just be taken care of…I guess that’s just how it goes. Everything fits into the bigger picture. It’s bigger than me.
what I have found is that no matter how long you have been a Christian or how long you have been attempting to be more Christ-like (Phil 2:1-5?), there are always going to be things that you need to work on. Now, it might be sex, money, relationships in general, driving faster than the speed limit or illegal MP3’s…but once those larger, more obvious issues are worked through (and hopefully resolved), there are going to be more things to work on because, by nature, we are imperfect, prone to sinning and just plain being “not perfect”. (oh, and I’m betting that relationships are always going to be on that list, as the good relationships…the ones that last…take work…lots of it
Currently listening:
Conspiracy No. 5
By Third Day
Release date: 26 August, 1997
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