woopee doo...another valentines day i'm really tired of this feeling that I always have to make the person who i'm in a relationship with happy. it's so one-sided. everyone that's reading this probably knows me well enough to know that i'm all about the person who i'm in a relationship with and I think that normally, that is a totally healthy perspective/attitude to have in a relationship. I'm actually a pretty big fan of doing stuff for the person i'm with. I love making my woman feel special, feel like she is the only person on the planet that i want to be with and to just barrage her with suprises and kisses and a variety of other forms of affection. i think this relationship is slowly killing that aspect of me...and I hate that. i feel like when I do something (suprises or whatever), it's almost an expectation. like...i'm just meeting the minimum criteria for being in the relationship...however, on the flipside, when she does something for me, it has to be the biggest suprise ever and I spend the next four hours saying thank you for whatever it was that she did. i'm sure this is probably just an over reaction to something that happened today, as today is supposed to be a special, romantic day...but i'm really burned out on suprises to tell you the truth. seriously...it feels like today is a day where i have to prove that i can go above and beyond what i normally do...like i have to earn my place in this relationship. i just want to cry on days like today...it feels like yet another holiday...birthday...anniversary...whatever the special occasion (unless it's my bday), it's my job to go above and beyond and plan a special evening...to get her the "right" gift...whatever. i'm so tired of how hard i have to work internally (in my head, working through this pile of BS or that pile...), being the only person in the relationship trying to work through issues...and bringing up issues, i guess...to sum it up...i'm tired of TRYING soooooo much harder than she. again, i'm sure this is a matter of perspective, but really...me...kyle...tired. :( poor me, eh? that was pretty pathetic. um...so yeah, now i'm at the bottom of the list of anyone who's reading this. no big deal. you're the one who came into my blog and decided to read yet another unadulterated excerpt from my messed up brain. ya have to give me credit for consistancy, eh? consistantly blurting out my thoughts when i'm the most upset...when i'm totally caught up in the moment...when i'm at my weakest. i'm not sure that's necessarily a good thing, but that's what it is.
ok...now that i have purged the majority of the frustrations from my brain...i'm going to take a step back and see if there's something to all this. y'know what's funny...maybe not funny...um...interesting? awhile back, i started tracking "good days" and "bad days" in the context of the relationship and i found a very strange trend. typically, i average 50% almost right down the middle, good vs bad. then, i guess i get to the point where i'm totally fed up with the whole mess and I just let it go...i usually end up bringing it up late in the night, when i can't sleep because i'm so frustrated with the relationship (which happens quite a bit) and i see her sleeping there, like nothing is wrong...and i wake her up and start talking. those conversations usually consist of me talking...then she will interject some sort of argument for her position...i get mad at her interrupting me when i was just getting started...then i finish what i was saying...she is already upset and closed off because i got mad at her...she says sorry and that the whole mess was her fault (a pity plea, if you ask me)...i feel like an ass for bringing up what would have been a valid point...and that's about the end of it. after those kind of "emotional releases", we usually do really well for about a week...maybe a little more. i'm not sure why...i guess that means that we do well until enough crap has built up in my head for me to get lost in it without too much incentive from her (this morning, i was upset because she was wearing a hoodie thing that zipped down, with only a bra underneath...i thought it was a little scandalous, she got pissed at my comment and BAM!...all of the sudden V-day is ruined...at least, so far it is). so i guess i'm either to the point in the relationship where i don't feel like it's worth it to suffer this much and it's something about the chemistry between us...or i'm just messed up in the head and not fit for any relationship.
i usually feel like women suck off and on, as men and women have an innate lack of understanding of eachother, but i don't think it should be like THIS. so...we are averaging less than 50% good days with an occasional non-productive emotional outburst from yours truly. good...bad...?? i have no freakin idea. is god just challenging me with this relationship or is he saying "abandon ship!!" that's the interesting thing about the bible...through it's verses, any situation can be interpreted as a "learning, growing experience" or as a "sign from God". blarg! i'm weak. i'm going to pray after i finish this.
more learnings? um...yeah, i guess this is just good food for thought for me...wipe the slate clean by pouring all the junk out on this page...and churn up some new conclusions to start off the thoughts for the new day.
work? is it a bad thing for work to be number 1? personally, i think work is just a means to an end. it's a place where we go to make money. that's the primary reason. if we didnt get paid, we wouldnt go to work, bottom line. 2. we go to work to glorify god through our steadfastness and commitment to doing the job we are doing as well as we can. 3. work is a great place to spread God's word to other folks. i have heard from many a retiree that it's the people that made the job great all these years. fair enough, but we're not here for eachother's company...but for the money. hmm...money sucks. it comes, it goes...but it's really just another flat tire, another rusty quarter panel...another decaying piece of life here on earth that just exemplefies human life. it's good for a bit...then it's not so good. when you have it, you want to spend it...then you dont have it...and you want more of it. good...bad...up...down...life on earth.
and with that...my thoughts drift back to narnia. the last book (the last battle) ends in an interesting way. all of the kids from the previous books die right before the last battle. they go to narnia, but they are already dead on earth. some sort of train wreck. anyways...at the end of the book, they go to heaven. they said that it looked like narnia, but better...more alive...it really made me think. what is heaven like? i know that God doesnt want me there how I am now, but that God wants the me there that is the me that I CAN be. i CAN be better. i am able to NOT have pre-marital sex...i'm just really lousy at NOT doing it. i'm a really bad perfect human. i wouldnt make a good Jesus...I drive too fast on the freeway...I curse...i'm not always as nice as i should be (not always lovin' on folks like i should be).
that reminds me of a verse i read earlier this week..."If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." -- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. so love should be the basis of our lives. it is often said that the ten commandments are all about love...four about loving god and 6 about loving others (i think that's the split). is all that stuff I just wrote a part of a loving relationship? am I being treated with love in the relationship and am I, on the flipside, treating her with love? i know that no matter what, there is going to be room for improvement...but dang...is it supposed to be this hard? that's something I often get caught up on...maybe God is just teaching me to love folks that are difficult to love. not that sokny is difficult to love all the time, but dang, sometimes she sure does rub the WRONG way.
i think i'm bipolar in this relationship and that has always struck me as odd...one day, i'm wondering why i wouldnt want to marry her...and the next day, i'm telling myself that i would be miserable in the relationship and that all she wants me for is to make cute kids for her (or duckies, as we call them). i'm wondering if that is something that is going to continue or if we are going to work through the issues that are causing all of the commotion and we will be able to kick it in the blissful portion of the relationship. i'm not deluded...i know that there are always going to be hard times, but i'm not willing to have to deal with stuff like i do now...for the rest of my life. so again...is god just trying to teach me to love people when it's not easy? or is he saying get the heck off the train?
i think that this issue is on the brain even more lately with all of the pressure i'm getting to get her a ring. WTF is that all about anyways? (aside...after running, she tells me: i'm not trying to pressure you, but i was thinking...if we are going to get a ring eventually anyways...why can't you just get it now?...is that pressure or am i on crack?) i have told her many times that i don't want to get her a ring until i'm ready. i fully understand that thing are never going to be 100% right...but when is it settling and when is it just saying that we are going to have to work through the remaining issues? i have told her many, many, many times that her pressuring me or asking me to get her a ring before i'm ready is not ok...it just adds stress to the situation and clutters my brain. (really, i have enough to work through in my head without the extra emotional stress of an engagement ring right now). i don't feel like it should be an induced decision. would you want to marry someone that felt pressured into buying the ring? will i be pressured into the wedding as well? ...kids? ...moving? ...not moving? i feel like relationships are all about supporting the other person in what they want to do, not the opposite.
God...i am soooo ready for these learnings to be over...and for the real game to start. when is the real game? when do i find my purpose for being here? there is only one ME...God has me here for a reason...umm...i guess i'm just waiting for the right email, eh? i feel like i'm just reiterating the thoughts of every other person on earth...what is the meaning of life...lol
God: so...why did i put you on earth. Me: um...to make sure that P&G makes as much off of each roll of toilet paper as possible and that i did my best at providing them with that data. SMILE! God: umm... Me: umm... yeah...