soooooooo....what is the point of all this? there are times, when driving down the road or when lying in bed...when one feels the urge to do what society tells us not to do...logic tells us not to do...in fact, pretty much everything that is this world that we live in tells us not to do some things...like pulling a hard right when driving eastbound parallel to a chain link fence surrounding a military base (not that there's much that's special about a military base, per se)...like walking into the living room naked as the "in laws" are making dinner...like...whatever. there is so much disconnect between the world that we see on TV...the world that we are expected to live in...the mini world that is work...an ecosystem...a food chain...a social drama unto itself...and the church. i guess i can't even really comment that there is disconnect between this and that, because that would imply that i feel ownership or part of any church. i don't have a church. sure, i go to calvary community church in westlake more often than not...and i know a few people there...but it is no CHURCH. a church is a living breathing dynamic gathering...it is not one person...it is not the place where people come and go on sundays...and the occasional wednesday for an organized class...it's a place where people go and feel at home...they give and receive counsel from friends...friends and family. not that anyone there has to be related...it's how people move and flow. i don't get that at calvary. i feel isolated...i feel as though i am a visitor in some world that is so distant from "church" that it is as though i am on another planet...
this is not about church though...i am not awake after being in bed (sad as that is...) because of church. it is really that first thought that pulled me back out here. what am i doing here. i'm not sure what my purpose is...i don't feel like reading a purpose driven life. that book has done a lot of good for a lot of people..i'm just not getting direction. possibly it is the wise words of a friend who suggested that my pathetic excuse for a christian life (in that i live with my girlfriend and still have the gall to attend church, carry a Bible, pray and call myself a Christian)...was the root of all of the tension in my life. not that i'm totally in disagreeance with her, but i guess i'm just too much of a hard head to give everything over at once. i have made some progress...albeit back to a "normal" lifestyle relative to the mild nature of others...hmmm...i'm just not sure what the deal is i guess. i'm not feeling God in my life...i'm off i'm on...dude...it's rough. either that or i'm just weak. i know that's the case, too...i can try...and in doing so, achieving this and that...to whom the merit is given...i don't know. work is just plain lame. i work hard...no one notices...i do nothing...no one notices...i complain about how hard i work...nothing changes...i don't complain about working hard...no one notices...why not just not work hard and have the same people not notice? or better yet...why not just not work hard...play on the 'net all day...and probably get more credit for the one thing that i did do...work is lame. it's actually almost the opposite of real...i would call it completely fake. so weird. if i just didnt do any work...but did the 4 things that people would notice (though they really did nothing for the company) i would probably get a raise. however...if i sat back and found the 4 things that would do the most for the company, i would probably get close to getting fired for the 3 things within the 4 that did not go exactly right...now that's what i would call a messed up "rewards system" LoL. so what i end up doing is oscillating back and forth between the two extremes...monday i spend 14hrs busting my booty fixing the leftovers from someone else's completely botched and half-@$$'d effort at a huge task...with nothing but complaints all around. i was not able to deliver what i normally would have done on any other day...but considering the circumstances and the magnitude of the possible impact of the issue...i rocked it. tuesday i was tired from the previous day so i barely managed to make any headway on resolving the aforementioned issue after patching up the current day's duties...and today...i made some actual progress again...another notch on the belt against the issue...but still not on par with most normal days. so what do i end up with? i'm drained at the end of the day...i delivered less net benefit to the company than a normal, uneventful day...but in the end, i did what was best for the company having now spend ~33hrs fixing someone else's hurricane leftovers...not that it's horrible work...it's tedious..i'm the man for the job as i know the data better than anyone at the site...but wow...how can folks get to the point where the actual work that needs to be done doesnt even get base recognition. seriously...i will get chewed out tomorrow for not having everything "back to base" though i have done everything in my power to get things back to normal. i'm just not sure where to go with this whole thing...
SAP skills are highly transferrable and i have a fun new role coming in november (if it ever gets here...oh when oh when will it..??) that should add quite a bit of flexibility, opportunity for travel and great opportunity to grow my skills (though i'm still uncertain as to the benefit to the financial bottom line for this KAF)...yeah...so that's the game. i burn my candle o' passion down to the nub at work...leaving nothing left for home...i'm drained of all my passion, as it goes so unnoticed at work (and most of the time at home, though that be a completely seperate schpiel)...ugh!! yeah...let me at that chain link fence...g'bye clothes...here i come o' kitchen o' my in laws! asklnklsdasgagslkglnskasdlkhgsnklnklgasdnklgsagksgslnkkjlgskljgsaslkj
No comments:
Post a Comment