why a subject...that's all, nothing serious. anyways...we just returned from my cousin paul's wedding and it was great. it really helped me to see how much they love eachother and how much they have sacrificed for eachother. it was great...it really made me think...what is the purpose of my life? not that i'm trying to dress up the eternal question of "what is the meaning of life?" or something along those lines, though i fear it will be/should be tossed in that same barrel. so anyways...i was driving home and just started thinking. normally after weddings, women tend to be all gooey and excited about the passion that the couple shared and how lovely this or that was...yada yada...all too predictable and all too true to laugh at. so yeah...i was running through all of those kinds of things in my mind...just so i would not be suprised by any oohs or aahs...and i started thinking about marriage.
suprisingly (or not, i'm still not sure), i think about it a lot. that is another one of the inevitable resultant emotions that come out of weddings...so it quickly turned from that into more of an internal...what is the purpose of my life "thought session"...it's pretty important to ponder such topics, as that is really what we are here to do...y'know...to fulfill our purpose...to do what we are here to do...to do what God made us to do...yeah. so i was thinking...i really don't DO much with my life. I go to work...which i'm not too stoked on at the moment...i make money...i go home...possibly stop here and there and spend some of the aforementioned moneys on this or that inconsequential item...dvd...new phone...apples...sure, all good things. get home...eat...sleep yeah, you know the drill. i guess i kinda felt that for the first bit of being a Christian, i had some time to ramp up...and to get my feet wet...to ease into it and find my place. i'm ok with that...it makes sense...but now...i have been a Christian now for about a year and a half...almost 2 yrs...and i really don't think i'm too much better off than i was then. not that i havent made progress...but branches that bear no fruit will be trimmed (i'm paraphrasing a bit on that one)...yeah.
so where's my outreach? where's my ministry....not that i need a following or anything crazy like that...but my interaction with church is currently limited to sundays and the standard wednesday class. i'm going to make an honest effort to get into a small group/home group...but they kinda scare me. i guess my recent experience with them portrayed them to be more of a social group...i don't need more things in my life that make me feel comfortable...or feel good about myself...or feel like i'm a "good" Christian...i'm really looking for good solid friends and good solid folks to tell me that i'm not doing too well in this area and that (i have a few friends that do that for me and it's the best and the worst thing...i tell myself that some of the things that i do are not ok...and i do work through them internally very frequently...and i have made some progress...but i'm definitely still a work in progress and i NEED reality checks from folks to keep me grounded...there is already way too much BS (balogna sticks, right?) in the world to induldge in more of the same...intentionally)...so yeah. home group? small group? i guess i'm looking for God to reach out and pull me in...or to open the right door...i'm a n003 in this area...and what i have seen has not been promising...ugh. i'm sick of myself..
...and i should be looking for a new job...but that is a whole seperate topic for a whole seperate internal discussion...dunno....bla! here goes another pale attempt at sleep before another ridiculous week of PnG.