today was a great sermon about....introspection among other things...dude pretty much said that we need to have personal relationships with God and that we (individual we, not collective we) need to take the time out of our days to really think about God...and to admire his creation (worship) because of all of the amazing things that He has built/made/created/whatnot for us. I was fairly at peace with all of that this morning...and even into the afternoon...but right now, my head hurts. probably something to do with a messed up sleep schedule...getting tired around 5...asleep by 7 (pm)...several days in a row and now here i am. headache in full force for no apparent reason...food in belly...water for the brain to grow...plenty of O2 and entertainment...not terribly tired, though that is quickly becoming the last resort to rid myself of this throbbing grey mass...ack.
but anyways....i decided during the sermon that it was time to throw down more words here...to purge and all. fortunately for me...i'm REALLY intelligent and decided to wait until whatever freakish hour it is now to do this. whatever. different perspective it will yield, i suppose. ah...headache is simmering down...maybe it was just a full brain...needed to dump out some of this thought-mass through one channel or another. funny how this whole thing works actually. most things in our world are physical. we eat physical food...drink physical water...have physical relationships...go to a physical workplace (unless you're one of "those" lucky telecommuters)....etc etc. but lately, our worlds have been en transition...direct deposit banking (ok, so that's not terribly new)...pay bills online...the aforementioned telecommuters...email vs snail mail...but i think we are all still trying to work out the impacts of the virtual or intangible at a minimum...relationship. what does that look like? is it possible to live out life in all of it's entirety online...or in some other state of "E"? people really do...there's a game called second life... (google it) ...again, not a terribly new concept, but technology is progressing to the point where computers are a HUGE piece of our lives. I work on a computer, send mail to my family on a computer...have a lame ass representation of my life (that i'm pouring my time into as I speak...ok, that's going in a circle fast)...hmm...i tweak on a computer for fun...play music on a computer...play games on a computer...spend a pretty freakin huge percentage of my time on a computer. sick.
kinda funny along those same lines...probably fried my main computer the other day during a simple move from one computer box to another...didnt take the time to put on the whole anti-static wriststrap thingy...yeah...so it's not starting right now (probably just mad at me and needs to cool off ). so i'm throwing down these words on an old 467 Mhz computer with something like 62megs of RAM...that a co-worker gave me. Ii'm pretty thrilled that this thing is actually able to run as well as it is on thistiny linux distro (www.damnsmalllinux.org). sweet deal.
in other lines of thought...the whole genesis of this blog came about in church...i was supposed to take some time for me to just think about the world....to make my business God's business (the business of my/the father) . i'm still not sure what that means...well...at least, how it applies to me. i struggle with simple concepts. life is too short to just go through the paces...do things that we feel we "should" be doing...without ever really thinking about what's behind that which we spend all of our lives doing. why work just to retire? because we have been raised to think that retirement is our primary goal in life? why get married just to have the stability so we can get a house just so we can have room to pop out a few kids just so we can raise them just so we can kick them out just so we can put them through college just so they can pop out some grandkids just so we can have something to do during the retirement that we worked all our lives to get to? sounds long and undigested, but really....is that what it's about? can I get off this train and just live vicariously through one of many who are going down this road already? I'm confused about the WHY behind all of this. did anyone ever stop and ask that? maybe i'm the only dude who didnt get that line of code inserted:
i'm not sure. i know that there are differences in how people think...and kids are cool...but man. i'm not in a rush for that. not just kids...i just don't see a lot of the "why" behind things. i really wonder (even about myself) what's going on behind the scenes. why do people buy cars? houses? why have we fallen into this insanity that is american m-f,9-5, 2 days off, rinse wash repeat. it doesnt make sense. so empty. where is the outward expression of the life that i have inside of ME? this (outside) is not reflective of me (inside). not my body...but life. i just don't understand this stark contrast. maybe that's why i have a headache. my head is stuck in the middle of me and the world. from russia with love? is another missions trip going to sway my scales and give me direction? not sure. how about china? calvary in westlake is sending a team to china. not that i'm excited about that one...but what? is? the? deal?? these feeble hands are capable of more than that which they are currently on track to do.
quit P&G and...what? that is a feeble attempt at change as well....for a kite without a string will drift regardless of the ben on the ground yelling at it. who is supposed to be flying my kite? shawn mcdonald is on right now...he is freaking awesome. "pour out your water...so i might take a sip." so raw. he touches people. me? i touch myself. lol...but yeah...seriously...i barely take care of myself. i don't encourage myself to read the Bible as often as I should (very infrequently) let alone encouraging people and putting forth a good example of what a Christian is. pathetic...me....yeah. so i'm still not seeing it. the headache has retreated to a mild throb...peaceful music...humm of the old school computer fan....
have to be at work in 4hr 59mins...should make for another highly caffeinated, non-productive day at the office. where is my passion? what is the plan for my life? meaning of life...can i get a manual? is there a .pdf out there somewhere with my name on it that i can just download and pull up on my phone when i get lost or find some spare parts that i don't know what to do with? snowboarding trip in a few weeks...not excited. valentines day coming up...ugh...another thing on the list to check off and spend more money so i can be under that much more pressure at work to make money so i can do it all over again. it's funny how the spending of money pulls us to make more vs the other way around. though sometimes it does go the other way....which is even more of a joke...hmm...i have $10000 in the bank...what should i do with it? this capitalist thing is a joke (not trying to make a political statement)....what the heck?!?! is there anywhere in the world where i can go and just live...not having to worry about what i eat...who i offend...how hard i work...what i work on....just a place to LIVE. ugh...life weighs...me down...what is life? it's all just a race to get somewhere....WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE GOING? you people make no sense. but hey...let me know when you get there will ya? i'm trying to figure out if this whole thing is worth it....i'm tired...i'm going to sleep so i can get up and run along to my 9-5 and spend another $195 and save 5...just so i'm barely above water...keep up the stress...let's do this!
By Shawn McDonald
Release date: 07 March, 2006