Thursday, January 24, 2008

dasdyrhcxbfdha sdav fd (ported from myspace)

brain=full...pressure's like the ballast of a ship...the more it takes on (water/stress/thoughts/whatever), the lower the ship rides in the water...crazy. i hear people say that their brains are full...and i really do feel that. it's odd thinking that something that is just grey matter, neurons and a little bit of electricity can become full. I could see it if it were in the sense of a capacitor...but it's more of the "full like a balloon" thinking. Today, it's work, women and God. The God part is my optional contribution - I really do think that people should always be thinking about something. i often randomly ask people "what are you thinking right now?" and am truly suprised at how frequenly "nothing" is returned. granted, some of that is going to be people who are thinking things that they don't want to talk about ("i'm thinking about driving my car into a brick wall" or "i'm thinking about shaving my head and pulling out my front two teeth to see if anyone notices"). but overall...WoW. so brain is full and this is my blowoff valve (you're welcome). women are tedious. in general, my relationships are great for just about the first year. it seems to get "serious" after that (not that it isnt for the first year, but it's a different kind of serious that's not so much fun). i'm terribly hesistant to vent too much for fear of general sympathy but what the heck - if not here, then where? i'm really wondering if me struggling is !)me having a valid complaint @)me being weak and selfish, complaining about something totally arbitrary )satan attacking my mind and making things bigger than they really are or what. Based on the order that they came out (analyzing my subconscious), i'm obviously leaning towards number !. i honestly feel like I put out more into the relationship. that could be in my head as well...i feel so often as though I have so much to give but I'm constantly being barraged with what I'm going to call "relationship flack" that there are things that should be small...should be trivial enough to let drop, but they are still brought up in a prodding, sarcastically agressive way. (i know what I mean). i feel like I get the butt end of the stick so much of the time...I get to see her absorb so much and deal with so much from co-workers that she is not in love with but when she gets home, it's like the flip of a coin and there is no patience, no tolerance, no love in much of anything that we do. i'm whining now...i know this. but dang...i'm not talking about somebody that i'm seeing for a week or whatever...i feel like we have been sliding down this hill for 2 years now...there are a few things that improve, but the ones that dont have become much worse. is there a point where we can't just work on 1 or 2 things and we have to just bite the bullet and really figure out what is bugging eachother? that's another thing...i'm the only one that brings up "issues" and when i do bring them up, she does her part and tries to not let my complaints bother her. so it ends up that I feel like i'm working on the relationship by bringing things up that are bothering me so we can work on them and she does her part by not getting frustrated about all the crap I give it's pretty much a no-win game. i get more and more's a circle or perhaps a downward spiral. typically, we go through ups and downs but lately, it feels like we go through neutrals and really far downs...more drastic, never really getting to the happy times (much less frequently). ok...i need to shift gears...

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