hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...life is so odd. in some ways, things are predictable, regular...just the same old day to day "stuff". the wake up and go to work mode; the hey, i'm hungry feed me mode; the golly gee i'm tired leave me alone mode...then there's God. God has a way of not conforming (who would have thought, eh?)...God just does his own thing...stuff happens on His timing...we are merely reeds in the wind when it comes to God. the avg day to day stuff just blows off the table...life comes to a halt...things are blown out of perspective...life STOPS and yet, it speeds up at the same time. 4 hours feels like days...4 days seem like 10 minutes...connections are made...issues are surfaced, tears are shed.
Godisamazing - iamweak.
that about sums it up. i am soooo soooo weak. it's terribly sad. God reveals so much to me yet I still do not make a full hearted effort. He is so distant at times (when I do not seek Him)...He is so close at other times...I am so high maintenance...like many women that I know (in relationships)...ok...guys can be high maintenance too but it really seems as though our society encourages the art of being high maintenance for women. it's almost as though the feel like they are more desirable if they are tough to deal with...maybe they're just playing hard to get or whatever. it's still lame...whatever the excuse (reason).
Back to God. I have come back to God. I am talking about God again. I was not gone from God so much as I never really stuck around long enough to see what He was really about. He constantly amazes me in the depth...in the sheer amount of *stuff* that's going on with Him. God is always on time...that will never cease to blow my mind. it is as though he is a puppeteer, carefully orchestrating a dance amongst many many puppets that are all sorta free minded but still mostly under his control...knowing all, pulling strings here and there to ensure that they are all in time...that they (we) hear Him when He calls...dance with joy and generally just live life.
i have spent a ton of time gaming in the past few months...a ton of time that could/should have been spent actually DOING something meaningful...even if it were only spent learning just a bit more about linux, reading some dorky tech book, browsing the web...whatever...it would have been better spent. I spent so much time this weekend seeking God and begging for Him to move closer to me...to pull me in...to fill me...to help me...then so much more time thanking Him for all of the blessings from the weekend. Now that I'm back home...I need to be reading the Bible more...to hold myself accountable to what I know I should do (ten second pause to go grab Bible)...to spend time with God...to meditate on God...to seek Him out...to read the Bible more...to pray out loud...to consciously focus on Loving God as the focus of my life...to re-prioritize my life...
I considered getting rid of my PS3 for a long while this past weekend...I guess I figure that gaming just consumes (eats without productive any worthwhile by-products) my time. I think I realized just how much free time I have...and how I totally throw it down the toilet when I game. It's not that it's a terrible thing...just that there's so much more that I could be doing with my time, my life than to "play" online for hours at a time, days in a row, months on end.
I just ordered a book that I think will help me out..."How to read the Bible for all it's worth" I'm thinking that this will be the start of a new path of education and wisdom-gaining...I plan to spend time at nights (I'm a night person) reading the Bible (devotional time) and also reading other "value-add" books...tech/Godspeak/whathaveyou...they must be value-add.