reTIREment

Yeah, I know I'm still a pup...ok, maybe not a pup but at least still what some people call young. But I'm sitting here at a coffee shop in Hueneme watching this group of what look to be retired people sitting around drinking coffee...taking care of their dogs, probably getting ready to go for a walk before heading home in time for their favorite soap opera

...and I'm thinking to myself...I dont want to be that kind of retired.

I don't want a job that tires me out and makes me WANT to be retired.

I don't want a job that feels like a job...

I am going to work towards keeping a job that's exciting...that you wouldnt have to pay me to do...but more importantly, a job that makes a difference. I dont want to be the next trump, jobs, gates, zuckerberg, roosevelt, kennedy, churchill...I am going to be another harper, bridges, gibbons, wilmoth...not satisfied with just getting by or having buildings put up with my name on it (after all, there's already a stadium named after me in Texas...) or anything that will fade. I'm not going spend my time developing the next big Theorem, designing a new stealth fighter, fusion technology or long-life tire (though those things are all very cool) - I'm going to do things that make a difference - feeding the hungry, housing those in need, taking care of those who can't care for themselves, striving to spread the love of God in THIS world...NOW...every day through my actions AND my words...through my LIFE.

You may call me idealistic (or a dreamer, lol)...but I call me a realist, grounded in the power of God...living in this world (the same world that you live in).

imperfections (ported from myspace)

life is so obviously imperfect. it's too obvious to be coincidence. i think i was pondering my relationship earlier today and it really made me wonder. i'm kind of retarded at times. i often marvel at how retarded i can be in this relationship. just the ridiculous "small" arguments that linger on through the day...they blow my mind. it is so difficult for me (both of us) to let go of the small stuff. i wish it was easier, this life thing...but at the same time, i don't. if life were easier (let's just call it "perfect"), we wouldn't have anything to look fwd to. what would be the point in heaven (other than the ol' eternal life thing) if earth was perfect. each of us has our own custom reality that has it's own imperfections.

if i had been born into a different country - i'm going to use thailand because i have at least a little bit of experience with that country - i'm betting that i would still struggle with various imperfections in life and i would still find life just "reasonably satisfying". actually, i was tempted for quite awhile to ditch out on this stress filled, overly complicated, let me check my calendar (oh wait, i only use it for work), life that is my existence here for the much less complicated, much simpler life that is life on an island in the Andaman sea.

it's crazy. there is this huge balance between living a good christian life and living in america. i'm not so sure that it's a balance...i tend to put everything in context of "struggles". i struggle with things. it's my internal checks and balances. it feels like this life just pulls in the wrong direction when it comes to so many key issues. sex - my body ALWAYS tells me the wrong thing. my head tells me the wrong thing slightly less than half of time time...it's only when i force myself to change my perspective that i do the right thing. and society? "pop culture" yeah...that's pretty much just another big anchor tied to my foot pulling me down.

imperfections, yes. so we are here on this earth to realize this, to step back and take a deep breath...to exclaim "wow, this really is jacked up" and to seek out the truth that is so ingrained in these exact imperfections...we see evidence of the perfection that God promises us when we look at the earth...at the sunsets and amazing cloud formations that we are graced with ever too infrequently (in so cal). looking at anything from a macro level...it might just seem perfect. look at a mountain range. from a helicopter, flying over, the range is sooo impressive. the lake looks too blue to be real...everything looks like a painting. zoom in a bit...the mountains are nothing but rocks...dry and lifeless...heaps of them. there is nothing to substantiate the earlier perception of perfection. the lake. it is nothing more than near-freezing water...run off from a glacier up the way. not to go too far into the analogy...the concept behind is solid.

imperfections. so here we are with this world. what to do. we struggle with anything that we might consciously know to be good. there are always barriers to be knocked down, TV stations not to watch...but is that to be our focus? it seems that constant struggles are just the result of giving in, of being pulled down. why spend life focused on the struggles when it could just as easily be spent on lovin others. i'm not sure that it's really that easy. if we don't stop to analyze and drill into the issues that impact us, we will not be able to firm up enough to be the solid foundation that is required when building anything substantial. i would not build my house on sand (yada yada) so why would i expect God to want to build his house (the Church) on people that are not grounded and have a well earned, educated faith in Him. (quick mental parallel to a retirement planner) what to do what to do. constantly seek the balance between building the foundation and reaching out. spend time investing in solid personal growth while also making the effort to reach out to others and plant seeds.

hmm. so how and when to build and such...i am getting tired...this is going to have to marinate more...after more rest, that is.

cooking

my new boss is from Phoenix where temps are in the 100s right now. it got me thinking about how little we use the power of the sun and if anything, we spend tons of money and CO2 emissions to cool down our places and offset the heat and light of the sun. anyhow...he said "it's so hot out, you could fry an egg...for real" and i was thinking...why not do that? maybe not an egg, but the idea i had was a slow cooker. something that you could drop some beef, water, veggies etc into on your way into work and when you came out to your car to head home, you'd have a nice stew waiting for you, all cooked up and stuff. i know solar ovens arent exactly news as they've been around awhile but nobody has done this yet. it would be pretty simple...just use some time-temperature-pressure physics to figure out what the ideal combo is to keep the would-be stew at the right temp, then put in a relief valve that would let off anything above that. it could be a simple "physical" solution vs anything extra fancy like a self regulating, solar powered micro computer (though that would be amazing and totally feasible as well...)

so much junk in my head right now...i think i realized this week that i really dont normally run out of juice physically (though i'm definitely not in shape)...but it's more of a mental game for me. i think my mind runs at a faster pace than my body (maybe i should be more physically active?) and as a result, i end up with lots of time where i just need to veg out because my mind is tired but my body's really not. hmm...maybe that explains the COD thing.

i'm really excited about what's going on in life...just not a fan of how the stress impacts those around me. just started a new role at work 7/1...with a new boss...probably getting another new role in the next 3 months or so...with another new boss...and maybe moving to a new P&G location...maybe MOVING...maybe selling and buying houses...hmmm yeah, that's some stuff. oh...and maybe working on a sibling for asher. i'm really not stressed about it...it's kinda weird (NOT COMPLAINING)... i guess i'm excited about my job and that there are tons of opportunities in it that i'm excited and passionate about. not so stoked on some of the more mundane things in life...but that's life.

we have some vacation coming up which should be great to get away and really have some time off work...not bringing the work laptop...just the phone and MY fun laptop :) having lots of fun with linux lately too...conky is good stuff...

not super excited about the new iphone 4 tho :( underwhelming? iOS hasnt changed that much since 1.oh...missing android a bit. maybe i can get an android tablet or netbook thingy to fill that gap. i'm definitely going to miss tweaking on my mobile devices but it's a fair trade :)

ideas...speaking...trucks?

so i haven't been speaking at church as much lately and it's helped me to realize a little bit more about how my strange mind works. When i'm writing talks a lot, that acts as a purge of brain stuff...which i had really only done through blogs on myspace before. what sucks i guess is that when i'm writing talks, it's not so much that i have a topic to write on, but that i have to shape my thoughts into something meaningful and maybe even something for a specific topic. it kinda stunts my mental creativity in a way. obviously it's not a bad thing, i just need to figure out how to work with it. perhaps i'll blog more about whatever's on my mind and in a different vein of my mind, try to write talks. dunno. that doesnt make sense to me as my creativity is more of a "flow". anyways...food for thought.

on the way home today, i was thinking about how normal pickup trucks like F150s or Rams tow boats or anything substantial. typically when i see them towing something, the rear end is angled down due to the weight of the load with the load angled forward. it seems like if the tow hitch were shifted forward...similar to the ones that sit in the base of the truck...it would keep both the tow load and the truck more balanced. To step it up a notch, a system should be developed that sits either in the bed of the truck or somehow integrated into the body of the truck that would auto balance the load to ensure the correct balance between the front wheels, rear wheels and trailer wheels. I'm sure someone smarter than me has already done the math...just figured that since this hadn't been done, this particular innovation should be taken into consideration.

scrobble

If I died today, and had just a moment to reflect beforehand, i would not be upset that i did not travel to italy...or visit china...or own the iphone 5. I would not be sad that i didnt have a house on the beach or ever get to drive a lamborghini. I would not be thinking about all of the tech gadgets that i didnt get to try...because that wont matter. I would be bummed that i wont get to spend more time with my family and then, in all likelyhood, be upset and feel like a big failure because i wasn't more bold about my faith in my daily life. I'll think about all of the missed opportunities that I had to share my faith where I chose to take the easy route and keep quiet. I'll likely think about the things I "could have done" to do something that truly lasts. The greatest empires that have ever existed did not last. The US will not always be the world superpower (ask the Romans or Alexander the Great or any of the other great superpowers of ages gone past... Bottom line, the greatest things of this earth will fade, will rust, will blow away and be forgotten. The Grand Canyon is young...only 5 MILLION YEARS old...and we talk about human history in terms of thousands of years. Think about that. Then think about eternity. Then think about what you're going to do with your day today. Have a great day at work :)

werds (repost from myspace)

Current mood: awake

really dont know sometimes...my mind just flies...i wish i had some sort of control of the throttle...but i know it's really not just me...it's more a matter of where the thoughts are coming from...sometimes, God fills my head...it's just full, loud and flowing...most of the time, it's jumbled words...but i rarely have energy or at least, i rarely allocate energy towards random thought. tired much of the time...regardless of the quantity of sleep...just tired. "tired becomes me" :P

i am so selfish with my spare time when i start feeling overwhelmed with life. it's funny and sad at the same time...i try to fit too much into my life which is something i have never done in the past. i suppose it's good that my life is actually somewhati full. it's really just an opportunity for me to be stretched and to adjust outwardly to something larger than my current container that is the scope of my life. i like that when i stretch, my capacity grows. as i learn, my ability to DO increases...though most of my learning is at work now which realistically means that i'm probably not doing as much learning outside of work...which is probably subconsciously depressing. i'm getting tired just thinking about it. truth be told, i have been tired off and on most of the day...most days...lol. hair is getting longish. might cut it, might not.

rob bell is great, but i'm too tired to think in his direction. his mind flies...i like that he takes us along for the ride...a little too pessemistic...but who isnt a little too..."something"...at times, right? i'm a little too grouchy when tired...a little too lazy...a little too human. i get mad when i feel myself blaming my actions on being human. there comes a point where i'm like "hey, wait...i AM human!" generally upset when people blame someone else for something that they obviously own..."poor me". bla bla bla for the most part. it kills me that the illegit overshadow the legit for the most part. i guess that goes back to the "the first will be last and the last will be first"..."the squeaky wheel will be moved to the back of the line"...haha.

it would be interesting to do a sleep deprivation test (not on me...i like sleep too much for that)...humans are so interesting without sleep. i have heard that we can suffer from dilusions when sleep deprived. makes no sense, but hey, i guess i believe it.

too tired...typing with my eyes closed...i think i shouold go to bed...g'nite

poop in a bag (repost from myspace)

sometimes life feels just like that...like we were promised something fun and great (a knock at the door) and we end up with stinky shoes and a mess on the porch (poo). maybe it's just me. it sucks, no doubt about it. i have been going through some odd stress in personal life (private), work life (two job transitions, stressful negotiations, lame coworkers), holidays (normal, retarded stress - quick tangent: if they are supposed to be about family and CHRIST (mas), why do they suck so much for the 3 weeks beforehand? (WTP?)) and the added bonus of exploring the possibility of buying a 2nd house. i'm not one who typically lets stress get in and really exist in life. i do know that i have intermitten stresses, here and there...mostly related to work...with a project deadline or something silly...but work to me is not CORE...it's just an add on to life. it is not anywhere near the foundation of who i am...it does not contain anything that could truly impact ME...just something that serves as a source of revenue and a place to meet people (good people...all the stinkers can stay home, please). dunno. i'm different. i know that. i think there is something on top of that as well...we have this economy mess. i think we are just cresting...just entering 1 of 2 places: either the beginning of a steep, bad bad bad downward spiral or possibly just starting to see the true magnitude of the problem (and the worst of it) from which we will have to pick up the pieces and move on. what worries me is that so many people are so negative. that negativity pervades our society these days. people are so stuck on (no, we can't change and do it another way) that we went with obama (yeah, i voted for him) just because he was spouting this speech of the past "yes, we can". seriously. think about that. it's a testament as to how sad we are...how in the dumps america is. thats not why i voted for him, but i do see that as one of the key underlying connections that he made with MOST americans.

i for one...well...i refuse to fall into that negativity and "can't do" attitude. i refuse to fall in to the pit that is america and that is this world...that is this earth. i refuse. i have something more than that. God has given me more than that inside me and he has given me more than that in the hope and the promise in Jesus. i dont have time to be brought down. a good example today actually. i bought a new bike a few weeks ago...and i was riding over to a friends house today from church...just because. anyways, i havent spent a lot of time on the bike in quite some time so i'm balls to the wall without the technical right to actually be riding as crazy as i do. so i'm zooming along...and a car pulls out too far on the corner for me to make it up the handycap ramp...so i try to jump the curb. i made it up...but lost control for a bit...and slammed pretty hard into a sign post. mostly just hit my fore arm and upper arm...but it was a solid blow. as i'm recovering and getting back on to ride, i hear someone laughing behind me. weird, i thought, and rode on. i made it a little farther down the road and the car with the "laugher" ends up stopped next to me at a red light. there are 4 inside, with the two (guys) in the back laughing at my near-disasterous crash. something about how much i sucked or something. i was confused...like "i nearly just died or ate $h!+...and you're laughing?...really?" i didnt really have time to think through it at the time...but as i rode on...i was just blown away. thoughts such as "what a jack@$$...REALLY?...wow, people suck" passed through my mind...dang. i didnt really understand.

i stopped for food...filled my tired to their recommended pressures at the gas station...and just had that stuff running through my head. after awhile, i calmed down...the adrenaline from the near disaster experience flushed out of my system...and i finally settled on my conclusion regarding the kid's (probably 16yrs old) reaction: i think it sucks that it is ok...accepted or even allowed that people react like that. if that was my kid, i would have kicked him out of the car and made him walk home to show him that that kind of a reaction is not ok...but it goes further. i think it really struck a chord within me...just how negative and evil some people are in our society. with all of the raw, exposed, bloody, sexual content on the web and TV, our filters are gone. we watch shows like seconds from disaster...and hit up sites like TMZ and E! to get the latest failures in hollywood royalty...we see every mistake, large and small of anyone that we want...barack obama, john mccain cussing out a lady in the senate...britney not wearing all her clothes or possibly even her shaving her head and going through a mental breakdown...and we are trained to be interested and not to care...but to laugh and be entertained (from gladiator "are you not entertained?!")...we (christians) need to break that cycle. we are not of this world...we are called to be different...to be outcasts...persecuted for our beliefs...made fun of and spat on...possibly even killed...

i still dont know how i could have reacted differently in that moment to have made an impact on that kid. every response that i can muster (at least today) is doused in negativity, dripping with sarcasm and hate...hmm...not that i'm mad...i just dont know how to say something that shows that thats not cool and that god loves him.

werd.

dave matthews on the brain (repost from myspace blog)

nothing specific...more of a general reflection on the band and the ideas they frequently broach...just thoughts being thrown out into the world for everyone to see...baring the soul and opening up the mind just "because"...thoughts are so deep...so intense...but it's only when one attempts to open that window and to share those thoughts that we really get to experience life...where we get to know someone and let someone else get to know us. Dave Matthews really hits me not because the band's music sheds new light on God...or puts any sort of new perspective on life but because it just feels...sounds...so real. its music that i can relate to...it's music that i can see clearly as someone else's attempt to open up in a way that I can relate to.

walking out of work as many times as i do, i reflect on the flowers that line the pathway. looking far ahead, they look so perfect. just rows and rows of perfect flowers on perfect flower plants...this to me is beauty. it's the beauty of this earth...I say that because when I look to the side...considering plucking one for my favorite flower recipient, I notice very quickly that they all have imperfections. they are living, dynamic, tangible, things...they are impacted by their environment and can easily look perfect if just given a quick glance.

we must dig deeper.

life can be way too easy. it is WAY too easy to just get through life. i'm not saying that life is easy here...just that if you really think about it and just ride the surface of the vast majority of situations in life, you can get by unscathed. you can go to work, give a very surface, non-interactive review of your weekend on Monday when co-workers ask...skip out at lunch and eat by yourself....participate in meetings and bury yourself in "work"...and really, you can just skip through life without getting too down.

this is not ideal for several reasons. it's easy to say that we would not be "living life to the fullest" or perhaps that we would be simply being selfish...but the reality is that on a personal level...on a core human level, we are not satisfied by these surface interactions. as humans...faulty, broken humans, we are, at a very fundamental level missing something...missing that deep, spiritual connection with God. we try to mimic this missing relationship by crafting relationships with humans...seeking to fill the hole in our beings...we crave a deep connection with humans...

what's odd about this...assuming we pursue this road and build up genuine relationships...opening our hearts to others and letting them open up to us (what I would call "investing in others")...and say we even go a step further and build a community of friends, family and others that we are invested in...theoretically allowing and encouraging greater connection with others...we will still not be satisfied with what we have. we can live the most fulfilled life possible on earth with all things of this world and we will still have a huge gaping hole in us...in our lives...right?

i have heard many stories of the "unfulfilled millionaire"...the guy who has everything that is listed in the "american dream"...the money, job, cars, baywatch wife, friends with everyone...whatever you want to put on your list...and who is still terribly depressed. what's different for us is that we do not have all of those things that are a part of that dream. some of us have lots of friends, some of us have more money, some are happily married...but not many of us have "it all"...all the things this world list out under the webster's definition of success. maybe i'm alone in my thinking, but I dont really want those things. sure, i like having money to buy toys and whatever...but every good thing that we are given is really just another thing that god has gifted to us (as a guy from work likes to call it)...something he has entrusted us with to glorify Him.

we are here on earth to glorify God...we will never be fulfilled as long as we are alive on this earth in our current states. that is just not meant to be. our bodies are faulty, our minds are faulty...everything around us is faulty...this world is faulty.

if we could achieve perfection here on this earth as humans, would heaven be attractive? if perfection can be achieved here...we would be able to experience that....be able to experience life to the fullest...after all, perfection is just that...perfect....lacking nothing...the absolute state of yay/woohoo/joy/happiness/love/etc etc. (quick aside...just reflecting on that makes me excited, knowing that i cannot/have not experienced all that God has in store for me)...ahhh...

just some thoughts...going to bed now seeing as how it's past 130am here on the east coast...

me.(us).now (ported from myspace)

so today finds us on the north shore of oahu...just hanging out. here's google's version of our locale...pretty sweet diggs if you ask me :) we're not where the (F) is...we're in the hotel overlooking the pool and "turtle bay" ;)

pseudo-political commentary (ported from myspace blog)

regarding this article: http://money.cnn.com/2008/05/29/news/companies/dunkin_donuts.ap/index.htm

i'm not typically politically vocal...i won't talk about things that are political as a general rule. there is too much "media" involved in that whole scene...things are "spun" and slanted or interpreted...they lose their true meaning in politics...it is terribly difficult to determine the true platform without reading what they hand out in their "platform papers"...or official documents that are sent out, detailing where they stand on this or that issue.

retrospectively, this isnt truely a political commentary so much as a general commentary on the media putting their take on things and impacting the way we live our lives or perceive the world around us. personally, i think that the bush administration and the US media have instilled such a fear of people that are different in us that it is hard to just live life anymore. we are afraid of black people...because they might be in a gang...we are afraid of people with tattoos because they are probably in the hells angels...or junkies...we are afraid of people who wear "middle eastern garb" because more than likely, they are hiding a home made bomb (IED...improvised explosive device) underneath...and in this case, we are afraid of people who wear clothes that over 1 billion people wear daily (a white scarf with black print on it). this is such a joke...and it is yet another ridiculous example of people who speak up...just to make a splash in the media...to stir the pot just a little bit more (the lame blogger that commented on the dunkin donuts ad) and that continue to instill more fear in americans of people that are "different".

I for one...am different. things like this make me want to dress up in "terrorist garb" (wear a scarf) or whatever and force people to see things differently. i am sick and tired of the media holding power over us, telling us what we should think when we see someone wearing this or that or having this or that tattoo on their bodies. people FEAR way too much and LOVE way too little. all of this is so counter to what i believe...it makes me sick that a huge, diverse company such as dunkin donuts cowers to some lame blogger commenting on a piece of clothing. LAME...WEAK...this is not the america that i want to be attached to. i am ashamed to be called an american if this blogger and this company act this way and are tolerated.

ugh...disgusting.

quit folding...start (un) (ported from myspace blog)

not sure...just thoughts. its as though when life is "balanced", my brain is not full...but when I am engaged in what life is doing...what is going on...participating and stretching myself...then my head fills. but it is a different kind of full. I still need breaks in life...still need to decompress...but compared to my head being full of "golly i'm bored with life and i wish i had a direction to run in"...it's sweet. i do things that i enjoy doing and that i'm good at. it's insane to me how obvious God's plans are now that they are unfolding...but how confused and almost resistant to this direction I was when i could not see the direction...makes me feel dumb that I didnt recognize it earlier but also proud that I have been entrusted with such gifts. GOD IS SO AMAZING :) I'm constantly in awe of this puzzle that is my life...fitting one piece together at a time. I'm not saying that i really think that i'll ever have all the pieces in place...at least not while i'm on this earth...but it is fun to see it unfolding in front of me...in me...in my head...my little head. anyways...i'm not really sure...what was what...but that was it

:) Smiles from kyle :)

(_to self_)

real:(thoughts)

change...is so relative

change is based on perspective

if I didnt change my socks would you notice?

if I changed my mind, would you care?

if I asked you to change the color of your hair, would you?

if I asked you to move to ohio would you?

if God asked you to start a church in north carolina, would you listen?

how close are you to me?

how well do you know me?

how close are you to God?

how well do you know God (and his voice)?

do you listen?

change

are you willing to change?

do you yearn for change?

does change scare you or excite you?

(do i have any change in my pockets?)

i dont know how to change

change is so foreign...so different (very insightful)

if I change, do you have to as well?

who am I to ask anyone to change?

how much (change) is too much?

(which underwear do i have on today?)

why do I feel that God is asking me to change?

how much is God asking me to change? (not that i care)

what am I gaining by changing? (my underwear)

it is not what i gain, but what I gain for God

change

is inevitable...fun...dynamic...good...difficult...necessary..._(become more christ-like)_...

hmm...

purge_overflow (ported from myspace)

tired is overused...i need a new word to describe where i am...how i am...it's more of a mental/emotional exhaustion than anything...i think that on the mental half...i'm generally fine...but when i have to think (apply logic or whatever) to emotional situations...it's almost like the two just conflict and decide to congeal in my head and not leave. so i'm suck with this...overfull feeling...this spent, TIRED feeling for most of the day...i wish i was wired like a computer...i could just jump to the command line, drop a single command and know what was going on in my head...but i'm retarded...unable to process and decipher what's going on up there...how ridiculous is that. try rebooting? yeah...works until i wake up lol.

what to do...this whole thing is quite the kerfluffle...it's as though a coin were flipped...but its just temporary...cards are played...hands are revealed...but there is no certainty in the outcome...it is not clean like poker, with a set formula with a certain outcome for each...it is all just words...words are so temporary...so fleeting...once said, they do not firm up to be taken with...they are gone...vapor...but at the same time, they are so permanent. the word goodbye...hello...hate...love...trust...WOW...i am blown away by the dichotomy that is wrapped up in words...they mean so much, yet can mean so little. life changing (3 words)...life ending (1 word)...

purge! get out of my head! LoL...i have so many things that are so much more important to think about...so many things that are new, exciting, limitless...oh well...ten paciencia (be patient)...i have been through this lesson so many times...but life never fails to catch up and push me to my limits...but! reflecting on the numerous times that God has proven to be faithful...(and he loves to say "wait")...yeah, it's all good...but this waiting...and this..."marination" time...kills me...but it's good for me...

growth is odd...to grow physically, we know that we can experience pain in lifting weights or running (yuck)...and see direct results...bigger arms...stronger legs... but whats deceptive is that this mental/emotional/spiritual struggle...the results aren't as tangible...of course they are there...but they just aren't as immediately apparent. God is amazing...he provides all the time...answers are yes/maybe/no...sometimes we have to learn "the hard way"...sometimes he delivers us from the situation that we are in...it's awesome.

i wouldnt even be in the whole high school group if i wouldnt have signed up to help at the women's christmas tea thing...and i love it...it is such a great fit...every week, i find out new things about myself...new things that God has been building in me from long ago...that are just now being put to use for the good of the Kingdom...all this time, i had been praying for direction...for signs showing where God wants me to go..."please show me your plan for my life" day in and day out...and now, here i am...with a path. the funniest part is that now that i'm on "the path"...i'm all excited about "what's next"...it truly feels as though the possibilities are limitless...and that's amazing/exciting/scary/frickin cool...

anyways...now, i=physically_tired so me=take_break...

hmmmmmm

sleepy blogs can be the best or the worst...best because it's raw, nearly unshielded thoughts...and worst....well...yeah. hmmmm....so i'm tired...i'm sleeping on the couch (not RIGHT now...)...i'm getting a lot done without getting much done...i feel like the guy in the jamiroquai video...what's that song...something without moving...but yeah. i feel like i'm running a race with no start, no end and no real directions...just floundering...almost falling...bouncing off whatever hits me...or being pushed into one direction or the other...but that's kinda what God wants...it's HIS plan (not mine)....he's the one who has plans for me...(good plans, in fact)...plans to take me places and have great (and not so great) things for me to accomplish and to go through...life is amazing like that. its so hard to let go of the reins and hand them over to God in a world that shouts at us that we are in charge and that we are "masters of our own destinies!"...yada yada...i think i'm just about done with the things of this world in that it inevitably turns into nothing...(for the most part)...work to make money to buy stuff...yeah...i've been through all that..it's not just that...but that is more of a trend...an underlying philosophy that governs most of the things of this world...work hard in this world to get more crap from this world (that we can't take with us (and why would you want to when you're going to heaven?))

...SLEEP!...

and things just keep going...so much...time wasted bah...i'm done wasting time here...for now.

wintry thoughts (ported from myspace)

hmmm...idea time. so on the way home from mammoth today, it hit me. yes...IT now i'm not so sure of the true importance of the idea, but at the time, i promised myself that i would blog it. who knows...maybe bill gates will read this, love the idea and revolutionize the world with it.

anyways...basically, we need some sort of flex ride thing. i'm sick of this whole fossil fuels dependency thing that we have going on. so what i'm thinking is that we need a service where we just put in where we want to go...basically like a reservation (from:my_house to:your_moms_house or whatever) and all of these entries would go into a big computerized database...and cars/vans/buses/whatever would be allocated and mapped out to make all of the routes work. more than likely, this would have to work off of an autopilot based transit system..maybe 2 lanes that are dedicated for this or something...who knows...but anyways...it would automatically map out and get people to and from places efficiently. if it was all automated, the cars (generic term) could go super fast (which would be fun in and of itself)...and be more efficient. i guess it would be like the roadrunner system...but it would actually be efficient...and work. just driving so far...to mammoth and back...makes me sick of gasoline and fossil fuels altogether. it's not so much the lower level industry folks...or any of that end of the environmental issues...i'm just sick of the fact that the oil industry has endless resources to stifle other technologies and basically to advertise how cool and normal using gasoline is (think chevron techron/cars commercials/toys_but whatever.

i'm just over the whole oil thing. driving back from mammoth, it felt like the snow was not as heavy as it has been in years past. not that i'm an expert, but it really made me think of the whole al gore movie thing...with the pics from ~60yrs back...~40yrs back...and today and how the snow level keeps moving up (or disappears altogether)...it's crazy...it's real. i saw it in person at mt rainier national park. one of the main glaciers has receded visibly over the past 50 years...nuts! but it makes me sick. it's really just each and every one of us making decisions against oil...hybrids/electrics/bikes...whatever. but thats where the industry kills us. we are pretty much fenced in to oil dependency. ugh. it makes me tired. i'm retiring from this blog...the gist of my thoughts are here...i am no longer.

cheers!....smiles...sleeps...

blogarythmic iterations v2 (ported from myspace)

this music makes me want to scream...but i did plenty of that last night at their concert. i'm a little bit out of it today...lazy (up til 4am...that could be part of it - who would have thought that having 2 monsters after 11pm would be a bad idea?)...just kinda blah about most things today. i hate not doing anything...but i just dont feel like doing much...so much going on in my head after yesterd...well...after this past week...it's as though i need to just clock out of my own consciousness and let things process for a bit.

http://picasaweb.google.com/PerfectInWeakness/2008Project86BenefitConcert

i'm putting switchfoot on...project 86 isnt exactly deep thinking, introspective music...at least not for me. (though it is great for letting out frustration/stress/energy... i want to go away for a retreat and just hang out with myself for a bit...i'm really a pretty interesting guy...i do enjoy my own company. blah. not sure what that's about...i have a lot of new things in my life that are HUGE...it's a lot to process. i think that being generally introspective (sidebar...i think that there are multiple aspects to introspection and personality types...i am fine hanging out in a group and interacting with people...people are generally great...:no more thoughts on this:)...ugh...such a blah mood today!

i think these wristbands will stay on a lot longer than the last one...it was already on it's last leg when i pulled it off yesterday. another fantastic sunset at the beach tonight...what does God have in store for me tonight? tomorrow, I get to see if I can find a place to move...and hopefully get some stuff moved in the afternoon...who knows.

some things in life are so vivid...so visceral and real...others are so gray-scale and lackluster...moments///people///events///songs///words///days///meals///colors...where is your passion? do you surround yourself with things (list above, etc) that inspire you? i dont think we always should...but i do feel that God fills us with passion...and there are things we are passionate about that we will gravitate to. whether that is a person...color...situation...band...whatever...there are things that we are just pulled to. that is where my heart is headed. i know not where i am headed...but i am following my heart. i will trust in God to steer my ship...follow my passion...focus on God...God is love...we should be filled with love for Him and for others.

i know that blah happens to everyone...it's almost as though it is the calm before the storm...the eye of the hurricane...a moment to look inside before being tossed out into chaotic rain...what are you passionate about? go get it...do it...find it...live it... life without passion is empty...passion is so tied to love...we love the things we are passionate about...whether it's my laptop...phone...best friend...or even reading my bible...it is those things that are truly going to garner the lion's share of love. time is money...quality time shows love...break your day up...what do you spend your time on? is that worthwhile? is that what you want God to see when he looks down on your life? sometimes, I'm embarrassed by that thought (spending 8hrs on the PS3 shooting people)...

i dunno cheeto...life is broad...deep...wide...obviously too large to grasp...but that just returns us to marveling at God's glory...God has a focused plan for each of us...it could be focused on 1 person...God might just want you to convert 1 person in your life...or he might want you to start a revolution in a 3rd world country and set peoples lives ablaze with love for him. who knows? God works in the "little guy"...the nobody...the average joe....the kyle field...he does. everyday. hide as we might...it is futile. which begs the question...why try to hide from God? because we cannot comprehend his power/presence...LoL... that makes me laugh (love laughing)...(passionate about making people smile/laugh/happy)

more on this later...this purge cycle is over, yo!

life is a spiderweb...stretching in all directions... (ported from myspace)

...words cannot express my confusion...

,,,pulled in every direction,,,

[[[clarity followed immediately by clouded thoughts]]]

///enlightenment chased out of town by mundane matthew......

<<<>>>

|||passion_vs._painful_struggles|||

^^^ intent before discontent vvv

+++upside-down,flip me around+++

thoughts stir in my head...so much that is worth so little so little that is worth pursuing/doing...why?...there is so much that makes noise in this world...pulls us away from our primary focus. this weekend's sermon was on the first bit of the sermon on the mount (with a little bit of background to ramp up to the multi-week teaching) starting in matt 4:23-5:3. we pretty much covered blessed are those that are poor (in spirit)...I heard it twice from 2 diff pastors...and both angles were touched on - those that are financially poor and those that are poor in the spirit (needing God?). God listens to those that NEED him...in our world, it is very very very hard to get to the point where we feel we NEED God. the reality of the situation however, is very different.

it is because there is so much going on in the world that we NEED God everyday.
it is because we are so blessed (financially, resource wise, weather wise, etc etc ad finitum) that we NEED God so much
it is because it is so easy not to get into situations where we feel we NEED God to save us (from lions, tax collectors, starvation, hepatitis, cannibalism, world war 2 or large man-eating beetles) that we do truly NEED God.

and that is my struggle...stuck in this complacency that is the USA in 2008...so easy (truly) to make enough to survive...to prosper even (everone in the US is rich compared to the rest of the world)...but it's all crap. it's harder for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle. that was talked at length this weekend but I still havent come to terms with it. that's friggin hard to get past. yeah, we can (and should) give all that we can to further the kingdom...yeah, we can say that the iphone that I have is something that can be used to reachout and connect with people...something i have in common with others or something that i can use in ministry...but i can also say that it's something that represents a TON of money ($429.83) that could have been used to buy beans and rice to feed real, human people that are truly in need of food. how's that? you say that there are people within driving distance that actually NEED food? that NEED food to the extent that bringing said food would be an answer to their prayers? wow. how 'bout that iphone now...feeling guilty (schindler's list pops to mind - the end scene where he sees his car and thinks about how many more lives could have been saved...)

wow...so many things that pull us away from our true calling. i almost want to make a list of what the priorities are in my life and ensure everyday that i am holding up my end of the bargain (i can put the list on my iphone...maybe then i wont feel so bad about having it)...1) love God 2) love thy neighbor (gotta love the good ol' KJV) etc etc...i mean really...if we are not living up to God's priorities...God's commandments and we end up in hell...who really cares that i had the coolest piece of tech on the planet (iphone, for those of you that were wondering) for a few years if I'm damned to an eternity of damnation in the worst place unimaginable?

compound all that with the fact that most of us will spend most of our waking lives working to earn money to pay for things that we really don't need...iphones...huge houses by the ocean...oversize rocks for rings...blah...futility...vanity...being human sucks dude

i tend to end on a note like this...futility/negativity/hopelessness. not that i'm a negative person...just that i have so much running around in my head that I have to let some of the junk out and throw down some words to really process everything. keep on lovin folks...and don't settle for whatever society has you convinced is all that you deserve...God has so much in store for each of us...keep prayin on it...keep on lovin folks...go to church!...the power of fellowship is amazing...my fingers are tired

dasdyrhcxbfdha sdav fd (ported from myspace)

brain=full...pressure cooker...it's like the ballast of a ship...the more it takes on (water/stress/thoughts/whatever), the lower the ship rides in the water...crazy. i hear people say that their brains are full...and i really do feel that. it's odd thinking that something that is just grey matter, neurons and a little bit of electricity can become full. I could see it if it were in the sense of a capacitor...but it's more of the "full like a balloon" thinking. Today, it's work, women and God. The God part is my optional contribution - I really do think that people should always be thinking about something. i often randomly ask people "what are you thinking right now?" and am truly suprised at how frequenly "nothing" is returned. granted, some of that is going to be people who are thinking things that they don't want to talk about ("i'm thinking about driving my car into a brick wall" or "i'm thinking about shaving my head and pulling out my front two teeth to see if anyone notices"). but overall...WoW. so yes...my brain is full and this is my blowoff valve (you're welcome). women are tedious. in general, my relationships are great for just about the first year. it seems to get "serious" after that (not that it isnt for the first year, but it's a different kind of serious that's not so much fun). i'm terribly hesistant to vent too much for fear of general sympathy but what the heck - if not here, then where? i'm really wondering if me struggling is !)me having a valid complaint @)me being weak and selfish, complaining about something totally arbitrary )satan attacking my mind and making things bigger than they really are or what. Based on the order that they came out (analyzing my subconscious), i'm obviously leaning towards number !. i honestly feel like I put out more into the relationship. that could be in my head as well...i feel so often as though I have so much to give but I'm constantly being barraged with what I'm going to call "relationship flack"...in that there are things that should be small...should be trivial enough to let drop, but they are still brought up in a prodding, sarcastically agressive way. (i know what I mean). i feel like I get the butt end of the stick so much of the time...I get to see her absorb so much and deal with so much from co-workers that she is not in love with but when she gets home, it's like the flip of a coin and there is no patience, no tolerance, no love in much of anything that we do. i'm whining now...i know this. but dang...i'm not talking about somebody that i'm seeing for a week or whatever...i feel like we have been sliding down this hill for 2 years now...there are a few things that improve, but the ones that dont have become much worse. is there a point where we can't just work on 1 or 2 things and we have to just bite the bullet and really figure out what is bugging eachother? that's another thing...i'm the only one that brings up "issues" and when i do bring them up, she does her part and tries to not let my complaints bother her. so it ends up that I feel like i'm working on the relationship by bringing things up that are bothering me so we can work on them and she does her part by not getting frustrated about all the crap I give her....so it's pretty much a no-win game. i get more and more frustrated...it's a circle or perhaps a downward spiral. typically, we go through ups and downs but lately, it feels like we go through neutrals and really far downs...more drastic, never really getting to the happy times (much less frequently). ok...i need to shift gears...

help - god - seek - dunno (ported from myspace)

God is Odd. Not so much God but how we interact with Him. It is a little looney actually. It is almost like my blogging. Ok, ok, context. I know. So...i'm pondering God and my relationship with Him and it amazes me how consistant we are at being inconsistant with God. It is SOOOO easy to forget about God and how great He is when things are going well but when stuff turns south, we're all about God. If I were drawing out the footprints poem, there would pretty much always be 1 set of footprints - Gods. When times are bad, we just jump into His arms and beg for love/life/help/grace/mercy/icecreamflavoroftheweek and when times are good, we are nowhere to be found. Similar to blogging in that I usually find myself blogging when I'm down/frustrated/stressed (in need of God) or infrequently/inconsistantly otherwise. It's horrible

God is so amazing. He has so much to offer each of us...we just have to reach out for Him and move in closer. I'm ok being random...but with God...it just won't work. I have so much respect for Christians that have stayed true...started churches...started new ministries...and stuck with them. I know that for the most part, there are a core group of believers that hold eachother up and support eachother...but it's still an amazing thing. each and every one of us can do that. what is your passion? what gifts has God given you? obviously these are questions that I'm beating myself up about but they are totally things that everyone should be dwelling on and seeking out God's plan for their lives. Dunno man...i'm still working on that for myself. God does want me in ministry...I truly am a kid at heart...that much I do know (which is awesome :) )...but the rest is a total unknown. So...for now...I cling to God and seek him with my time.

I'm seriously considering taking tomorrow off to just dwell on that and seek God out (I think he might be hiding in the Rockies ;) ). but seriously...yeah...I do need some quiet time alone where I can really just seek Him and see if He has something great to show me this week. Who knows...I think I'm always tired...maybe I should go to bed on time tonight to ensure that my batteries are fully charged for whatever He has in store for me. Dunno

(and yeah...barlow girl...so what?)

sick (ported from myspace)

healthy people don't need a doctor --sick people do. i have come to call not those who think they are righteous but those who know they are sinners. - mark 2.17

i'm pretty sure I have seen this before...but it strikes me every time. i guess I get hung up on the balance between the two worlds...those who don't think they are righteous and those who are not sick (unless of course, they are mutually exclusive in which case, hey...what can i say, i'm wasting words here). actually, it is also recorded in matthew...a little differently:

'healthly people don't need a doctor --sick people do.' Then he added 'now go and learn the meaning of this scripture: 'i want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.' for I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.' - matthew 9.12-13.

odd differentiation...i want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices...almost as though Jesus is saying that we should not focus so much on what we have done wrong but on what we can do right for others. i had a wake up call to something very similar this past weekend...Jason d'souza was teaching about the various commandments in the Bible (there are 613 total)...of which Loving God is first and loving your (thy) neighbor is second. it really hit me and made me wonder if my priorities were straight. i think i tend to digress down the chain of commandments without really realizing it. i havent typically spent much time loving on God...reading the Bible, praying/meditating...and that is pretty lame. it's so easy to focus on things that are in our faces everyday...sex...stealing...patience...without even touching on the things that God wants from us the most. it's really strange. but anyways...it was good that I heard what i did...i like wake up calls (most of the time...and i'm not talking about actual phone calls that wake me up...'cause they usually suck).

maybe i'm way off in my interpretation. that's another funny (probably not so much) thing about the Bible...there are SOOOO many different interpretations/translations of it and within those, there are SOOOO many different interpretations of the translations...it's pretty insane. I almost feel as though I could find a church somewhere that would interpret a verse in just about any and every shade of grey. that's where i have always felt pretty solid about myself and my own perspective. i really feel that in life and in God, we have to find our own paths...we have to trust what God has given each of us in the way of grey matter and really find our own interpretations. not to say that we shouldn't listen to what others say...just that ultimately, God holds each of us accountable for our own actions. i wonder if there really are supposed to be (per God) different interpretations for each of the scriptures...and that each variety speaks to one person or another in order to lead them towards God in their own unique way. so in that...the Vineyard has been pretty great. I really feel like they are open to a lot (liberal) and are almost hippyish in their way of interpreting the Bible. it's very odd...with open expression of spiritual gifts...people speaking in tongues...truly a new experience for me. i'm still not sure where i'm at with that. I get uncomfortable easily (as evidenced by a bead of sweat forming on my brow) which is something that God truly has quelled at times.

another nugget:
the sabbath was made to meet the needs of people, and not people to meet the needs of the sabbath. - mark 2.27

very interesting. i dont think I have heard that before...oh...i guess i have (it's underlined in my Bible). i'm a little slow tonight. oh well. work has been draining. too much stuff to do, too little time. i guess that's better than the alternative...i really dislike not having things to do at work. so the verse...it almost feels like Jesus is saying that we should use the Sabbath for that which we consider to be making the most use of it. (did that even make sense?)...but it's very generic. like saying "woman was made to meet the needs of man and not man to meet the needs of the woman" ok, that was a little chauvenistic...and doesnt quite draw a parallel...hmm..."computers were made to meet the needs of people and not people to meet the needs of computers" that's much better. so it feels like Jesus is saying that we can mostly do what we want on the Sabbath...as it is a day of rest for us (that we can choose to use in any way we see fit - with all of the basic underlying assumptions about not doing things that bring shame to God and all that).

i'm getting tired and my content feels to be heading towards diminishing returns very shortly...