wintry thoughts (ported from myspace)

hmmm...idea time. so on the way home from mammoth today, it hit me. yes...IT now i'm not so sure of the true importance of the idea, but at the time, i promised myself that i would blog it. who knows...maybe bill gates will read this, love the idea and revolutionize the world with it.

anyways...basically, we need some sort of flex ride thing. i'm sick of this whole fossil fuels dependency thing that we have going on. so what i'm thinking is that we need a service where we just put in where we want to go...basically like a reservation (from:my_house to:your_moms_house or whatever) and all of these entries would go into a big computerized database...and cars/vans/buses/whatever would be allocated and mapped out to make all of the routes work. more than likely, this would have to work off of an autopilot based transit system..maybe 2 lanes that are dedicated for this or something...who knows...but anyways...it would automatically map out and get people to and from places efficiently. if it was all automated, the cars (generic term) could go super fast (which would be fun in and of itself)...and be more efficient. i guess it would be like the roadrunner system...but it would actually be efficient...and work. just driving so far...to mammoth and back...makes me sick of gasoline and fossil fuels altogether. it's not so much the lower level industry folks...or any of that end of the environmental issues...i'm just sick of the fact that the oil industry has endless resources to stifle other technologies and basically to advertise how cool and normal using gasoline is (think chevron techron/cars commercials/toys_but whatever.

i'm just over the whole oil thing. driving back from mammoth, it felt like the snow was not as heavy as it has been in years past. not that i'm an expert, but it really made me think of the whole al gore movie thing...with the pics from ~60yrs back...~40yrs back...and today and how the snow level keeps moving up (or disappears altogether)...it's crazy...it's real. i saw it in person at mt rainier national park. one of the main glaciers has receded visibly over the past 50 years...nuts! but it makes me sick. it's really just each and every one of us making decisions against oil...hybrids/electrics/bikes...whatever. but thats where the industry kills us. we are pretty much fenced in to oil dependency. ugh. it makes me tired. i'm retiring from this blog...the gist of my thoughts are here...i am no longer.

cheers!....smiles...sleeps...

blogarythmic iterations v2 (ported from myspace)

this music makes me want to scream...but i did plenty of that last night at their concert. i'm a little bit out of it today...lazy (up til 4am...that could be part of it - who would have thought that having 2 monsters after 11pm would be a bad idea?)...just kinda blah about most things today. i hate not doing anything...but i just dont feel like doing much...so much going on in my head after yesterd...well...after this past week...it's as though i need to just clock out of my own consciousness and let things process for a bit.

http://picasaweb.google.com/PerfectInWeakness/2008Project86BenefitConcert

i'm putting switchfoot on...project 86 isnt exactly deep thinking, introspective music...at least not for me. (though it is great for letting out frustration/stress/energy... i want to go away for a retreat and just hang out with myself for a bit...i'm really a pretty interesting guy...i do enjoy my own company. blah. not sure what that's about...i have a lot of new things in my life that are HUGE...it's a lot to process. i think that being generally introspective (sidebar...i think that there are multiple aspects to introspection and personality types...i am fine hanging out in a group and interacting with people...people are generally great...:no more thoughts on this:)...ugh...such a blah mood today!

i think these wristbands will stay on a lot longer than the last one...it was already on it's last leg when i pulled it off yesterday. another fantastic sunset at the beach tonight...what does God have in store for me tonight? tomorrow, I get to see if I can find a place to move...and hopefully get some stuff moved in the afternoon...who knows.

some things in life are so vivid...so visceral and real...others are so gray-scale and lackluster...moments///people///events///songs///words///days///meals///colors...where is your passion? do you surround yourself with things (list above, etc) that inspire you? i dont think we always should...but i do feel that God fills us with passion...and there are things we are passionate about that we will gravitate to. whether that is a person...color...situation...band...whatever...there are things that we are just pulled to. that is where my heart is headed. i know not where i am headed...but i am following my heart. i will trust in God to steer my ship...follow my passion...focus on God...God is love...we should be filled with love for Him and for others.

i know that blah happens to everyone...it's almost as though it is the calm before the storm...the eye of the hurricane...a moment to look inside before being tossed out into chaotic rain...what are you passionate about? go get it...do it...find it...live it... life without passion is empty...passion is so tied to love...we love the things we are passionate about...whether it's my laptop...phone...best friend...or even reading my bible...it is those things that are truly going to garner the lion's share of love. time is money...quality time shows love...break your day up...what do you spend your time on? is that worthwhile? is that what you want God to see when he looks down on your life? sometimes, I'm embarrassed by that thought (spending 8hrs on the PS3 shooting people)...

i dunno cheeto...life is broad...deep...wide...obviously too large to grasp...but that just returns us to marveling at God's glory...God has a focused plan for each of us...it could be focused on 1 person...God might just want you to convert 1 person in your life...or he might want you to start a revolution in a 3rd world country and set peoples lives ablaze with love for him. who knows? God works in the "little guy"...the nobody...the average joe....the kyle field...he does. everyday. hide as we might...it is futile. which begs the question...why try to hide from God? because we cannot comprehend his power/presence...LoL... that makes me laugh (love laughing)...(passionate about making people smile/laugh/happy)

more on this later...this purge cycle is over, yo!

life is a spiderweb...stretching in all directions... (ported from myspace)

...words cannot express my confusion...

,,,pulled in every direction,,,

[[[clarity followed immediately by clouded thoughts]]]

///enlightenment chased out of town by mundane matthew......

<<<>>>

|||passion_vs._painful_struggles|||

^^^ intent before discontent vvv

+++upside-down,flip me around+++

thoughts stir in my head...so much that is worth so little so little that is worth pursuing/doing...why?...there is so much that makes noise in this world...pulls us away from our primary focus. this weekend's sermon was on the first bit of the sermon on the mount (with a little bit of background to ramp up to the multi-week teaching) starting in matt 4:23-5:3. we pretty much covered blessed are those that are poor (in spirit)...I heard it twice from 2 diff pastors...and both angles were touched on - those that are financially poor and those that are poor in the spirit (needing God?). God listens to those that NEED him...in our world, it is very very very hard to get to the point where we feel we NEED God. the reality of the situation however, is very different.

it is because there is so much going on in the world that we NEED God everyday.
it is because we are so blessed (financially, resource wise, weather wise, etc etc ad finitum) that we NEED God so much
it is because it is so easy not to get into situations where we feel we NEED God to save us (from lions, tax collectors, starvation, hepatitis, cannibalism, world war 2 or large man-eating beetles) that we do truly NEED God.

and that is my struggle...stuck in this complacency that is the USA in 2008...so easy (truly) to make enough to survive...to prosper even (everone in the US is rich compared to the rest of the world)...but it's all crap. it's harder for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle. that was talked at length this weekend but I still havent come to terms with it. that's friggin hard to get past. yeah, we can (and should) give all that we can to further the kingdom...yeah, we can say that the iphone that I have is something that can be used to reachout and connect with people...something i have in common with others or something that i can use in ministry...but i can also say that it's something that represents a TON of money ($429.83) that could have been used to buy beans and rice to feed real, human people that are truly in need of food. how's that? you say that there are people within driving distance that actually NEED food? that NEED food to the extent that bringing said food would be an answer to their prayers? wow. how 'bout that iphone now...feeling guilty (schindler's list pops to mind - the end scene where he sees his car and thinks about how many more lives could have been saved...)

wow...so many things that pull us away from our true calling. i almost want to make a list of what the priorities are in my life and ensure everyday that i am holding up my end of the bargain (i can put the list on my iphone...maybe then i wont feel so bad about having it)...1) love God 2) love thy neighbor (gotta love the good ol' KJV) etc etc...i mean really...if we are not living up to God's priorities...God's commandments and we end up in hell...who really cares that i had the coolest piece of tech on the planet (iphone, for those of you that were wondering) for a few years if I'm damned to an eternity of damnation in the worst place unimaginable?

compound all that with the fact that most of us will spend most of our waking lives working to earn money to pay for things that we really don't need...iphones...huge houses by the ocean...oversize rocks for rings...blah...futility...vanity...being human sucks dude

i tend to end on a note like this...futility/negativity/hopelessness. not that i'm a negative person...just that i have so much running around in my head that I have to let some of the junk out and throw down some words to really process everything. keep on lovin folks...and don't settle for whatever society has you convinced is all that you deserve...God has so much in store for each of us...keep prayin on it...keep on lovin folks...go to church!...the power of fellowship is amazing...my fingers are tired

dasdyrhcxbfdha sdav fd (ported from myspace)

brain=full...pressure cooker...it's like the ballast of a ship...the more it takes on (water/stress/thoughts/whatever), the lower the ship rides in the water...crazy. i hear people say that their brains are full...and i really do feel that. it's odd thinking that something that is just grey matter, neurons and a little bit of electricity can become full. I could see it if it were in the sense of a capacitor...but it's more of the "full like a balloon" thinking. Today, it's work, women and God. The God part is my optional contribution - I really do think that people should always be thinking about something. i often randomly ask people "what are you thinking right now?" and am truly suprised at how frequenly "nothing" is returned. granted, some of that is going to be people who are thinking things that they don't want to talk about ("i'm thinking about driving my car into a brick wall" or "i'm thinking about shaving my head and pulling out my front two teeth to see if anyone notices"). but overall...WoW. so yes...my brain is full and this is my blowoff valve (you're welcome). women are tedious. in general, my relationships are great for just about the first year. it seems to get "serious" after that (not that it isnt for the first year, but it's a different kind of serious that's not so much fun). i'm terribly hesistant to vent too much for fear of general sympathy but what the heck - if not here, then where? i'm really wondering if me struggling is !)me having a valid complaint @)me being weak and selfish, complaining about something totally arbitrary )satan attacking my mind and making things bigger than they really are or what. Based on the order that they came out (analyzing my subconscious), i'm obviously leaning towards number !. i honestly feel like I put out more into the relationship. that could be in my head as well...i feel so often as though I have so much to give but I'm constantly being barraged with what I'm going to call "relationship flack"...in that there are things that should be small...should be trivial enough to let drop, but they are still brought up in a prodding, sarcastically agressive way. (i know what I mean). i feel like I get the butt end of the stick so much of the time...I get to see her absorb so much and deal with so much from co-workers that she is not in love with but when she gets home, it's like the flip of a coin and there is no patience, no tolerance, no love in much of anything that we do. i'm whining now...i know this. but dang...i'm not talking about somebody that i'm seeing for a week or whatever...i feel like we have been sliding down this hill for 2 years now...there are a few things that improve, but the ones that dont have become much worse. is there a point where we can't just work on 1 or 2 things and we have to just bite the bullet and really figure out what is bugging eachother? that's another thing...i'm the only one that brings up "issues" and when i do bring them up, she does her part and tries to not let my complaints bother her. so it ends up that I feel like i'm working on the relationship by bringing things up that are bothering me so we can work on them and she does her part by not getting frustrated about all the crap I give her....so it's pretty much a no-win game. i get more and more frustrated...it's a circle or perhaps a downward spiral. typically, we go through ups and downs but lately, it feels like we go through neutrals and really far downs...more drastic, never really getting to the happy times (much less frequently). ok...i need to shift gears...

help - god - seek - dunno (ported from myspace)

God is Odd. Not so much God but how we interact with Him. It is a little looney actually. It is almost like my blogging. Ok, ok, context. I know. So...i'm pondering God and my relationship with Him and it amazes me how consistant we are at being inconsistant with God. It is SOOOO easy to forget about God and how great He is when things are going well but when stuff turns south, we're all about God. If I were drawing out the footprints poem, there would pretty much always be 1 set of footprints - Gods. When times are bad, we just jump into His arms and beg for love/life/help/grace/mercy/icecreamflavoroftheweek and when times are good, we are nowhere to be found. Similar to blogging in that I usually find myself blogging when I'm down/frustrated/stressed (in need of God) or infrequently/inconsistantly otherwise. It's horrible

God is so amazing. He has so much to offer each of us...we just have to reach out for Him and move in closer. I'm ok being random...but with God...it just won't work. I have so much respect for Christians that have stayed true...started churches...started new ministries...and stuck with them. I know that for the most part, there are a core group of believers that hold eachother up and support eachother...but it's still an amazing thing. each and every one of us can do that. what is your passion? what gifts has God given you? obviously these are questions that I'm beating myself up about but they are totally things that everyone should be dwelling on and seeking out God's plan for their lives. Dunno man...i'm still working on that for myself. God does want me in ministry...I truly am a kid at heart...that much I do know (which is awesome :) )...but the rest is a total unknown. So...for now...I cling to God and seek him with my time.

I'm seriously considering taking tomorrow off to just dwell on that and seek God out (I think he might be hiding in the Rockies ;) ). but seriously...yeah...I do need some quiet time alone where I can really just seek Him and see if He has something great to show me this week. Who knows...I think I'm always tired...maybe I should go to bed on time tonight to ensure that my batteries are fully charged for whatever He has in store for me. Dunno

(and yeah...barlow girl...so what?)

sick (ported from myspace)

healthy people don't need a doctor --sick people do. i have come to call not those who think they are righteous but those who know they are sinners. - mark 2.17

i'm pretty sure I have seen this before...but it strikes me every time. i guess I get hung up on the balance between the two worlds...those who don't think they are righteous and those who are not sick (unless of course, they are mutually exclusive in which case, hey...what can i say, i'm wasting words here). actually, it is also recorded in matthew...a little differently:

'healthly people don't need a doctor --sick people do.' Then he added 'now go and learn the meaning of this scripture: 'i want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.' for I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.' - matthew 9.12-13.

odd differentiation...i want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices...almost as though Jesus is saying that we should not focus so much on what we have done wrong but on what we can do right for others. i had a wake up call to something very similar this past weekend...Jason d'souza was teaching about the various commandments in the Bible (there are 613 total)...of which Loving God is first and loving your (thy) neighbor is second. it really hit me and made me wonder if my priorities were straight. i think i tend to digress down the chain of commandments without really realizing it. i havent typically spent much time loving on God...reading the Bible, praying/meditating...and that is pretty lame. it's so easy to focus on things that are in our faces everyday...sex...stealing...patience...without even touching on the things that God wants from us the most. it's really strange. but anyways...it was good that I heard what i did...i like wake up calls (most of the time...and i'm not talking about actual phone calls that wake me up...'cause they usually suck).

maybe i'm way off in my interpretation. that's another funny (probably not so much) thing about the Bible...there are SOOOO many different interpretations/translations of it and within those, there are SOOOO many different interpretations of the translations...it's pretty insane. I almost feel as though I could find a church somewhere that would interpret a verse in just about any and every shade of grey. that's where i have always felt pretty solid about myself and my own perspective. i really feel that in life and in God, we have to find our own paths...we have to trust what God has given each of us in the way of grey matter and really find our own interpretations. not to say that we shouldn't listen to what others say...just that ultimately, God holds each of us accountable for our own actions. i wonder if there really are supposed to be (per God) different interpretations for each of the scriptures...and that each variety speaks to one person or another in order to lead them towards God in their own unique way. so in that...the Vineyard has been pretty great. I really feel like they are open to a lot (liberal) and are almost hippyish in their way of interpreting the Bible. it's very odd...with open expression of spiritual gifts...people speaking in tongues...truly a new experience for me. i'm still not sure where i'm at with that. I get uncomfortable easily (as evidenced by a bead of sweat forming on my brow) which is something that God truly has quelled at times.

another nugget:
the sabbath was made to meet the needs of people, and not people to meet the needs of the sabbath. - mark 2.27

very interesting. i dont think I have heard that before...oh...i guess i have (it's underlined in my Bible). i'm a little slow tonight. oh well. work has been draining. too much stuff to do, too little time. i guess that's better than the alternative...i really dislike not having things to do at work. so the verse...it almost feels like Jesus is saying that we should use the Sabbath for that which we consider to be making the most use of it. (did that even make sense?)...but it's very generic. like saying "woman was made to meet the needs of man and not man to meet the needs of the woman" ok, that was a little chauvenistic...and doesnt quite draw a parallel...hmm..."computers were made to meet the needs of people and not people to meet the needs of computers" that's much better. so it feels like Jesus is saying that we can mostly do what we want on the Sabbath...as it is a day of rest for us (that we can choose to use in any way we see fit - with all of the basic underlying assumptions about not doing things that bring shame to God and all that).

i'm getting tired and my content feels to be heading towards diminishing returns very shortly...

waffles (ported from myspace)

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...life is so odd. in some ways, things are predictable, regular...just the same old day to day "stuff". the wake up and go to work mode; the hey, i'm hungry feed me mode; the golly gee i'm tired leave me alone mode...then there's God. God has a way of not conforming (who would have thought, eh?)...God just does his own thing...stuff happens on His timing...we are merely reeds in the wind when it comes to God. the avg day to day stuff just blows off the table...life comes to a halt...things are blown out of perspective...life STOPS and yet, it speeds up at the same time. 4 hours feels like days...4 days seem like 10 minutes...connections are made...issues are surfaced, tears are shed.
Godisamazing - iamweak.
that about sums it up. i am soooo soooo weak. it's terribly sad. God reveals so much to me yet I still do not make a full hearted effort. He is so distant at times (when I do not seek Him)...He is so close at other times...I am so high maintenance...like many women that I know (in relationships)...ok...guys can be high maintenance too but it really seems as though our society encourages the art of being high maintenance for women. it's almost as though the feel like they are more desirable if they are tough to deal with...maybe they're just playing hard to get or whatever. it's still lame...whatever the excuse (reason).
Back to God. I have come back to God. I am talking about God again. I was not gone from God so much as I never really stuck around long enough to see what He was really about. He constantly amazes me in the depth...in the sheer amount of *stuff* that's going on with Him. God is always on time...that will never cease to blow my mind. it is as though he is a puppeteer, carefully orchestrating a dance amongst many many puppets that are all sorta free minded but still mostly under his control...knowing all, pulling strings here and there to ensure that they are all in time...that they (we) hear Him when He calls...dance with joy and generally just live life.
i have spent a ton of time gaming in the past few months...a ton of time that could/should have been spent actually DOING something meaningful...even if it were only spent learning just a bit more about linux, reading some dorky tech book, browsing the web...whatever...it would have been better spent. I spent so much time this weekend seeking God and begging for Him to move closer to me...to pull me in...to fill me...to help me...then so much more time thanking Him for all of the blessings from the weekend. Now that I'm back home...I need to be reading the Bible more...to hold myself accountable to what I know I should do (ten second pause to go grab Bible)...to spend time with God...to meditate on God...to seek Him out...to read the Bible more...to pray out loud...to consciously focus on Loving God as the focus of my life...to re-prioritize my life...
I considered getting rid of my PS3 for a long while this past weekend...I guess I figure that gaming just consumes (eats without productive any worthwhile by-products) my time. I think I realized just how much free time I have...and how I totally throw it down the toilet when I game. It's not that it's a terrible thing...just that there's so much more that I could be doing with my time, my life than to "play" online for hours at a time, days in a row, months on end.
I just ordered a book that I think will help me out..."How to read the Bible for all it's worth" I'm thinking that this will be the start of a new path of education and wisdom-gaining...I plan to spend time at nights (I'm a night person) reading the Bible (devotional time) and also reading other "value-add" books...tech/Godspeak/whathaveyou...they must be value-add.
mybrain=becomemush@now;Istoptyping,k?bye

leftovers (ported from myspace)

so many thoughts...sitting around in my head. not that I would call them pent up thoughts...they are not held captive...but they do yearn for freedom.
often, thoughts feel as though they are just percolating...marinating..."getting ready" to be released. they are not always fully formed when they are set free, but it must be their time. so many things to think, so few things worth saying.

this weekend's talk hit home to me in regards to prayer. it is a very interesting thing to me, this prayer topic. honesty with oneself is imperative in truly developing as a human (not that i'm pretending that there is a "should" or something to be acheived as a human, but more of a personal "should" for each of us to stive for and to spend our lives growing into). honesty is insanely difficult to achieve in this world of perceptions and having to protect and develop one's image. honesty requires that we are unbiased about ourselves.

my thoughts digress... |next|

thoughts are amazing. the process of thinking is fascinating. i often find myself overfull, overwhelmed with this or that. call it work life relationships, call it whatever but my head fills up. I have too many thoughts (of late, it is suprising even to me that I do not overload on wedding topics) to process that invade - attacking my sanity one second at a time. often i am too lax with myself...not paying attention to what is running through my head...checking out without stopping to check in to see what is crossing the scanner at the checkoutstation of my thoughts...buying whatever happens to pop up in front of my human eyes (flawed as they are). it is so easy to let the guard down.

|next|

it is difficult to focus on meaning. meaning to who? who is this written for? it is written to help in bringing what might otherwise be lost as unconscious jargon up to the conscious level and forcing it to be processed and seen by my own two eyes. bringing thoughts that _could_ be worth thinking up to the surface for processing. thoughts are so easily lost. they sink down into the depths of our overfull brains...possibly never to see the light of the conscious again. some of the best ideas are lost exactly this way. they pop up (no, not like your IE experience) are barely acknowleged, then sink down into the vast wilderness that is the rest of the brain. where are these thoughts stored and where can we find them? why didnt I get a library card for all of the data in my head? why am I not able to recall and checkout any piece of data that intrigues me? I am subject to some other control...my thoughts are not mine, they are only fleeting, temporary gifts that stop in to say "hi" then leave just as fast. few stay...few that are taken in for a quality look...

friday ramblings (ported from myspace)

insatiable appetite for more
where does this appetite for MORE originate? where in my being do these desires come from? there is always something else to be desired...something else to WANT. I want to not want. wanting is such a waste of time of thought and above all, of money. i have a macbook...i WANT a macbook pro. why? it's faster...nicer...whatever. but i really don't understand the underlying desire for it. it's going to be the same experience overall...still just a keyboard, screen and other junk that I use to connect to the net from whatever coffee shop...a newer, larger apple logo (whatever)...but at the end of the day, it's the "same" experience...but it costs me an extra $1000. i suppose that could be justified...whatever that means. i'm not really making money with this thing (though i have)...that's not really the point of the whole exercise.

life is so weird. we have what we have, wanting what we do not have, knowing that when we do obtain that which we desire, we will yet again regain a desire for something else. it is a never ending cycle...apparently to repeat for this cycle of days that is life. it's almost comical, really. we can consciously realize what is happening, yet we are still subject to the will of the beast.

sokny has been in cincinnatti this week so i have had some spare time. typically i will either just hide out in the bedroom after work, watching movies and/or computing the nights away...or wander aimlessly from retail outlet to retail outlet in search of something to spend my duckets on. this trip was no exception...i spent the first night watching movies and computing...yesterday i went to the mall and bought some socks...a few shirts and whatever.

retail is very similar to movies actually. retail - buy shirts, socks whatever...just to wear them for a few months/years/days...and throw them away..just money down the drain. movies...we spend money basically just to be entertained. most are "ok" with a few here and there that actually make an impact on our lives. very silly we are. we are so basic...almost like animals with our carnal desires...so basic... we spend so much of our lives just living life...without really delving into finding what really matters. what matters? is it family or having kids or getting married or having a wildly successful career? maybe a little bit of a few of those...but i'm not really convinced that many of these add up to much. at the end of the day or rather, at the end of life...what matters? we all die. everything will eventually end up as dust...even the parthanon, the colluseum...stonehenge...everything will fade, it's glory but a second in the grand scheme of this multi billion year old earth that we are current residents of.

obviously this boils back down to the eternal truth...but i'm still struggling with it...coming to terms with that which i know to be true....i'm not sure if i'm just slow to trust or if i'm just destined to spend my life in the throes of a passionate struggle for "the meaning of life"...gaining slight clarity after/during each internal battle...

ugh...weird. well, i'm going to head into frys now (currently at lunch, writing into a notepad from a non-wifi location)...and indulge in some more senseless retail shopping...

imperfections (ported from myspace)

life is so obviously imperfect. it's too obvious to be coincidence. i think i was pondering my relationship earlier today and it really made me wonder. i'm kind of retarded at times. i often marvel at how retarded i can be in this relationship. just the ridiculous "small" arguments that linger on through the day...they blow my mind. it is so difficult for me (both of us) to let go of the small stuff. i wish it was easier, this life thing...but at the same time, i don't. if life were easier (let's just call it "perfect"), we wouldn't have anything to look fwd to. what would be the point in heaven (other than the ol' eternal life thing) if earth was perfect. each of us has our own custom reality that has it's own imperfections.

if i had been born into a different country - i'm going to use thailand because i have at least a little bit of experience with that country - i'm betting that i would still struggle with various imperfections in life and i would still find life just "reasonably satisfying". actually, i was tempted for quite awhile to ditch out on this stress filled, overly complicated, let me check my calendar (oh wait, i only use it for work), life that is my existence here for the much less complicated, much simpler life that is life on an island in the Andaman sea.

it's crazy. there is this huge balance between living a good christian life and living in america. i'm not so sure that it's a balance...i tend to put everything in context of "struggles". i struggle with things. it's my internal checks and balances. it feels like this life just pulls in the wrong direction when it comes to so many key issues. sex - my body ALWAYS tells me the wrong thing. my head tells me the wrong thing slightly less than half of time time...it's only when i force myself to change my perspective that i do the right thing. and society? "pop culture" yeah...that's pretty much just another big anchor tied to my foot pulling me down.

imperfections, yes. so we are here on this earth to realize this, to step back and take a deep breath...to exclaim "wow, this really is jacked up" and to seek out the truth that is so ingrained in these exact imperfections...we see evidence of the perfection that God promises us when we look at the earth...at the sunsets and amazing cloud formations that we are graced with ever too infrequently (in so cal). looking at anything from a macro level...it might just seem perfect. look at a mountain range. from a helicopter, flying over, the range is sooo impressive. the lake looks too blue to be real...everything looks like a painting. zoom in a bit...the mountains are nothing but rocks...dry and lifeless...heaps of them. there is nothing to substantiate the earlier perception of perfection. the lake. it is nothing more than near-freezing water...run off from a glacier up the way. not to go too far into the analogy...the concept behind is solid.

imperfections. so here we are with this world. what to do. we struggle with anything that we might consciously know to be good. there are always barriers to be knocked down, TV stations not to watch...but is that to be our focus? it seems that constant struggles are just the result of giving in, of being pulled down. why spend life focused on the struggles when it could just as easily be spent on lovin others. i'm not sure that it's really that easy. if we don't stop to analyze and drill into the issues that impact us, we will not be able to firm up enough to be the solid foundation that is required when building anything substantial. i would not build my house on sand (yada yada) so why would i expect God to want to build his house (the Church) on people that are not grounded and have a well earned, educated faith in Him. (quick mental parallel to a retirement planner) what to do what to do. constantly seek the balance between building the foundation and reaching out. spend time investing in solid personal growth while also making the effort to reach out to others and plant seeds.

hmm. so how and when to build and such...i am getting tired...this is going to have to marinate more...after more rest, that is.

titles lie...topics change (ported from myspace)

"A Christ-centered church is not a showcase for saints but a hospital for sinners"
- Randy Alcorn, Heaven, page 35 (http://www.amazon.com/Heaven-Randy-C-Alcorn/dp/0842379428/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-5380703-1512938?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1191103913&sr=8-1)

Wow. not really much more to add to this except that i don't think that i have yet to find a church that speaks like this to me. i own part of that. it is (also) up to me to make it known to others what i am about and what i want the church to be about. WE are the church. the church is not a building that we go to on sundays, it's a group of people that get together on sundays (and it just so happens that they have a building and whatnot to hang out in). i'm definitely a sinner and definitely more in the hospital than in the realm of saints.

there is so much darkness inside each of us. darkness that we must fight against, rallying for the truth. we fight these battles internally every day as well as externally. each day as we head out of our residences, we head into battle, armed with the tools of Ephesians 6:10-17. it is so tough to grasp at times that we truly are battling for God EVERY day, every moment. we are being assailed by the dark one...our thoughts intertwined with darkness...being pulled down by the beautiful woman at the bank or the new computer that we can't afford at best buy. we are encouraged by some unseen being to do things that are rooted in evil, that if we let them take hold, will pull us down and keep the veil over our eyes. we must rise up. we must persevere and become greater than what we are today. this is temporary. we are all temporary and need to keep that in focus.

it continually impresses me that we can be so much more than we are. I often feel stuck in this eternal road that leads almost flat...the road to our destinies. it is so easy to get caught up in this world, to plan the big wedding, to spend money frivolously...what is greater - a new phone and a faster computer that will bring many hours of (selfish, self-centered) entertainment or financially backing a struggling christian radio station and adding on to the children's ministry at church? putting it in that kind of black and white, hit or miss comparison, it seems obvious. it's really easy to say...but freakin hard to actually DO. when the paychecks come in and the money does it's thing, seemingly disappearing from the bank on it's own...yeah. well...that's how it can go sometimes. take charge...make the conscious decision to do what you know is right. so much of life feels like sitting in a boat moving down the river. things pass...time flies by...and somehow, we just end up at the end of the river. what if God has more in store for us than that? what if God wants me to jump out of the boat at the next turn...test the waters....what then? will i jump? or will i just sit back and ride it out, knowing that there's always more grace to cover over my weakness? i keep asking God to make it more obvious to me when he's calling...but i wonder if i'm just not hearing because i'm afraid. dunno.

leave the seat (ported from myspace)

one of the oldest questions in male-female relations will be answered today once and for all. so i'm at a coffee shop...and after drinking (and purging) some coffee, it dawns on me: the toilet seat in public male-female bathrooms should, without a doubt be left up.

here's the (irrefutable) logic: think about little 5 year old male kids going to the bathroom. have they been trained to leave the seat up? nope. they just let it go wherever it may go...spraying to their little heart's delight. if the seat is in the default female position (down), we all lose. when women go in there, they lose 100% of the time. when guys go in there...we're set to lose about 25% of the time (+/- depending on how much fiber was in the diet).

now, let's flip the coin and leave the seat up. this is a win for everyone! the seat will stay SOOOOO much cleaner...the little guys can stay with their current pattern...and we all win. the seat will always be soooo much cleaner, nobody has to worry about having to clean up a rainstorm's worth of "moisture" from the seat....

OMG...such a breakthrough. I just had to share. It is a beautiful day in the world, i must say.

You're welcome...tell your friends, neighbors and coworkers

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mudpies and whipped cream (ported from myspace)

nevermind, too many calories. and cancel that mocha, i'll just go with a triple espresso (venti?) actually, i'm just having normal drip coffee at the local coffee shop...with a stuffed croissant for evening snack. it's much too small to qualify as dinner.

enough of the small talk...on to the actual brain activity. i think i have too many black shirts. i was digging through my drawers/closets/dirty clothes pile the other day and i noticed that...i'm not sure that too many black shirts is really possible...it is definitely the best color since PB&J sandwiches...it's the new pink...PC's are the new macs...well, maybe not that last one. but anyways...i think i need to add a few more colored shirts to my portfolio.

ok, second attempt to drown the small talk...i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just stuck in shallow mode today. perhaps the shortage of human interaction has left me with a suplus of trivial thoughts that i need to purge. ok, i'll go with my local observations as an interim game. i'm at latte 101, the guys in front of me are engaged in some sort of interview regarding stocks and money making. appears that the younger guy is interviewing the 60-something man...not sure what the motivations are....next to me is a youngish couple...very quitely engaging in some sort of flirtatious table game. i noticed when picking up my snack that there is a largish group gathered on the sidewalk out front...brought their own lawn chairs and whatnot...apparently this is a favorite gathering ground for a bunch of AA success stories....or maybe just the local drug dealer hangout. haha. i'm listening to imogen heap...she's very spiritual in her music/synth vocals...so evidently passionate...yet lacking true depth. (aren't we all?)

quick aside to mention that ZFS (new filesystem by Sun Microsytems) is going to be the BIG thing in computing in the next 10 years. just my humble opinion.

so dark out. it's odd for me today. sokny is out of town on her annual girls trip...i'm not making efforts to fill the days like i normally would on this weekend. i went up to slo two weeks ago and had a great time just hangin out...went up to pismo last weekend for a couple's getaway (just me n' sok) and i'm ready for some downtime. i really enjoy the ramping up and down of life. it's so interesting to me how small decisions (go out/don't go out, make plans/sit on ass all day) really set the theme for life. i'm pretty lazy when it comes to hanging out. i just move along in life...one day at a time without much effort in the direction of hanging out or interacting with others. i'm very much an introvert (on the inside) but I'm not 100% sure why. it's definitely easier not to make the effort, but i don't think that's really the driving force. maybe i'm just uncomfortable with people. i was thinking about that a little today. with our counseling...i was taking some time to actively ponder the talks. i think i'm a little nervous in general when talking with people...and it takes me a little time to get used to people...to get comfortable. i'm not sure what's the driving force behind it...but i just get nervous around people. very odd. i will have to ponder that more, later. so many things in life require conscious focus and thought to make them work well - relationships, self realization, God, friends...life is such a precarious journey - i suppose that is why humans throughout history have spent many endless nights staring at the stars, debating life philosophies and killing each other over religion. i'm a peaceful creature...but i definitely struggle with the dark side. how starwars of me. yes, i know. from the plain old evil thoughts (see "the number 23" movie) to lust and irritation with bad drivers...it all stems from the same roots.

ah well...that's a great start to the night...this place shuts down in 5 mins...time for me to roll outta here...and see where this caffeine is planning on taking me tonight...

cheerio(s)!

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is it still an ellipse if i use 4 periods vs. 3? (ported from myspace)

topics....abound....clarity....is in short supply

but alas....there is hope....intelligent life has been found....internal to each of us....is a unique perspective....which yields a unique understanding and interpretation....and depth....within each of our lives

we are inexplicably individual and inexplicably intertwined with eachother....autonomous sybiosis....pushing off of eachother only to rebound and cling tightly....a delicate dance that mimics that of bacteria under a microscope....so illogical yet so carnal - raw - natural....a microscopic look at this planet would reveal the simplistic underpinnings of our lives....we are but organic bodies, fueled by emotions, driven by hormones....walking in our own footsteps, yet never treading on new ground....constantly thinking....learning....developing....growing into ourselves...yet away from that which we consider to be our core

money in money out....God in love out....human in garbage out....

impulse out...high depth, low volume dump

more of the same... (ported from myspace)

After all that stuff yesterday...and this shows up in my inbox today:

TODAY'S VERSE from HEARTLIGHT -- http://www.heartlight.org/

VERSE:

Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. On him God the Father has placed his seal of approval.

-- John 6:27

http://www.SearchGodsWord.org/desk/?query=John+6:27

THOUGHT:

What are you spending the biggest bulk of your life working for?

Is it a boss, a promotion, a sense of importance, a secure lifestyle ...? If it can be taken from you, or you can be removed from it, then it's not very permanent is it! Only what Jesus gives us is truly lasting, and it comes from God's grace. So how can you more fully invest yourself in work that "endures to eternal life"?

PRAYER:

Un-cloud my thinking, dear God, so that I may more clearly see what it is that I'm working for in my life. Help me find ways to invest myself, "my" time, and "my" money in those things that are eternal. But, dear Father, I must confess that I will need your help to find my significance in my relationship with you and not in what I do, produce, and accomplish. Please forgive and strengthen me as I commit to seek you above all other things. In the name of Jesus, your Son and my Savior, I pray. Amen.

and the topic of todays call is (ported from myspace)

"be an evangelist for the things you love" and/or the curiosity "build god, then we'll talk" (song title...just interesting).

i have always struggled. I could stop there. that does sum up quite a bit of me. but anyways. i have always struggled with being an evangelist for things of this world. linux tends to be a bit religious...and i do think that some people get carried away with it sometimes. but anyways...there's something that i see as being almost anti-religion about being all pro-something. like if i were to wear a linux shirt...which I do on occasion...i'm advertising linux. now, why wouldnt't i/shouldn't i wear a shirt with a cross on it or something instead. am i saying that linux is more important that church, christ, god and my faith? i mean really...if you boil it down...our number one goal on this planet is to evangelize...or is it? err...should it be? um...have we even really sat back and tried it? I have been through a few conscious situations wherein i have made a focused effort to spread the good news. not that there have only been a handful...it's just that they always seem to be so demanding. they stand out. they are nervous times... treading on eggshells or broken glass types of moments. i really don't think that's how it's supposed to be. or maybe it's the small things...those day to day attempts to follow in His footsteps that really make the difference.

i know deep down inside at a "core" level when i am thinking rationally and all at peace/rest, etc, that it really is my effort and making the effort to spread the Word that constitutes what I should be doing every day. i suppose the key is to just focus more and more on doing the things that God would have us do (speaking in summary here to keep the thoughts flowing) that really brings us closer to God. thinking more about what God would have us do will naturally elevate our thoughts to God vs. to the things of this world. thinking about helping others, tending to widows and orphans...helping the sick, feeding the poor and worshiping God are all so much better than a day spent at work...which really only nets out to paying my bills, feeding myself...housing myself and ensuring that ATT doesnt cut off my iPhone and my precious mobile internet (it does way more than that, i promise). i dont even like talking on the phone or even phones in general...i just like that there are so many of them and i get this crazy high from making them do things that they aren't intended (by cingular or other carriers) to do. enough about me (again).

ugh

i make me sick. really. this whole rat race. it's just one big race to die. one big self realizing, stick it to the man, get more for me, i'm better than you, look at me i'm great, look at my body my fancy clothes and my cool sunglasses they're all better than yours race. what is this? we dont even really work out of necessity. it's just a nicety...a societally impressed mandate that we all try to make more money so we can spend more on ourselves...or have a bigger wedding. so much of my frustration starts with a single stone. not that i mind spending the money on the ring...but to me it is so much more about the meaning of the ring than the freaking material. i just want a cheap ring. i do want something that will last (as long as it needs to on this earth)...like a steel size ten comfort fit ring that let's all the ho's in the world know that i'm really not interested. ugh yeah...the stone. so really. we can say all day that women are socialized differently...but i suppose that it all boils down to me having an iphone, macbook and a car and sok having a big fat ring. priorities are different but they all boil down to us wanting things of this world when these resources that we have are a huge responsibility (back to the spiderman quote that captures so much of my thoughts of late "to whom much is given, much is expected" or something like that). there is also a paraphrased parallel parable (say that three times fast) that i can attempt to share and have shared more frequently of late about a master and his three servants. he entrusts each of them to five bucks. the first goes and buries it in the earth thinking that he is being a good steward of the master's money by protecting it from theft or other dangers. the second goes off and fritters it away (i think that's straight from the new king james translation) on worldly pleasures (arby-que's or something). the third goes and puts the money to work and increases it. you know the story. at the end of the week, the master comes back to the three servants and asks "what did you do with my money...where is it?" the first guy goes and digs it up and shows the 5 bucks to the master, proud as a 2 year old of the fist time using the toilet: "here it is!" the master gets mad. "i could have buried the money...thanks for nothing" the second servant relates his tale of debauchery and intoxication... to more disappointment from the master. the third shows the earnings...a hefty fifteen dollar increase. the master responds "good and faithful servant...good job"

ok, so i butchered the summary...but the basics are there. looking in at my life...i'm just a dumb drunk...burying some money for a "later" that may never come while others starve...missing the opportunity to be fed with my money that is oh so tactfully buried in the nether regions of some JP morgan server farm...earning a whopping 9.96% since inception...bla bla. what to do? is the american dream what i'm looking for? or is that the exact thing that we are told to abandon (the things of this world) in search of a higher authority's calling? hmm. WTF?

so i suppose that i am in search of something. not that i'm looking for religion...i have a God..I know him. I am looking for "the meaning of (my) life". what am i to do with my gifts. this is where sunday's message comes in. it was a great dissertation about evangelism...from which i took the single sentence "be an evangelist for the things you love". conflict. 2 trains of thought here...1) i should evangelize the things i love (computers music bla bla) in the hopes that others who are interested in the same will see my genuine love and openness...and be curious thereby opening an avenue by which i can share God's love and the gospel with them. (truncate) or 2) i should love God first and foremost and thus, should abandon ALL (self, others, stuff) and follow him.

quandry

i struggle with evangelism + things of this world. they seem so diametrically opposed...so foreign to eachother. like twins (the movie)...like peanut butter and motor oil...green eggs and vomit...ugh i dont get it. not that i can't figure out how to evangelize through them...it just throws up a barrier that needs to be thought through...broken down for better digestion of aforementioned sermon. should i have gone to see jars of clay instead of snow patrol? what is this opposition? why are the things that i want the very things that i know i should be dropping by the wayside and trading in/up for things that are not of this world? why is this world so wrong. there are so many things about humanity that are just so incomplete. it is absolutely amazing to step back from anything and realize it. paper is full of holes. food goes in...*$* goes out. why do we even have to go to the bathroom? (because we aren't in heaven...yeah, thanks :)...why does paint lose it's color and fade..why does life take so much work? why...yeah, i can ask questions all day long but the answer is the same. things of this world are not perfect...and that is the very thing that makes us take steps back...fall on our face and realize that this is all on purpose...the paint fades to help me see that nothing is perfect. me expecting anything to be perfect is me setting myself up for failure (which happens everyday)...striving for perfection...is to strive for failure....only to know that Christ has already paid the price for that failure...already made up the most important gap by dying on the cross.

this is feeling very odd. skip topic

tired again (in life)...there is no accountability in this life...things have run amok!

i'm done with this purging...my brain has filled up instead of the reciprocal...still don't know what i want to do with my life...(ooh....maybe thats part of the problem...that i'm looking for what i want to do vs. what He wants me to do...hmm) bah! kyle...out!

dunno joe! (yo)

so i'm pretty much totally convinced that i'm just one big idea factory. not in some crazy sense like ideas just come out my ears or anything like that...but more along the lines of just having what I like to think of as "good" ideas. i really think that it is one of my stronger areas. i have lost quite a bit of my strong work ethic...the corporate world is a funny thing. I feel that I am very efficient with the time that I do actually spend working and that allows me considerable freedoms. the more and more time i spend at work, the more and more I am convinced that our current structure at work is just fundamentally wrong. we have a distinct line between technicians and managers. it is very much like enlisted vs officers in the military...but it just does not work. there is a new drive to save the company money by allowing techs into management roles, but it still does not solve the problem of the large pay gap and the fundamental thinking that techs are inferior to managers. i wish i was kidding...i wish it was not so apparent or obvious. it blows. i have way more talent that i am able to use. not being cocky...but my plant does not know what to do with me. there are a few options to move towards, but they don't fix the real problem. this would be called "root cause analysis" if i were on the clock right now. bla! h a h a.

i have never been one to bail out when problems surface...but this one just keeps killing me. i'm wondering if it is an Oxnard problem or a company problem. if it's just oxnard, i would be ok pressing forward and fixing the issue...people move on...it's not that big of a plant...but if it's a company thing...it's just not worth the headache for me. whatever. there are more important battles for me to spend my time working on. i wonder if they would support me taking the plant manager role as a technician. lol. the search goes on.

so there's this awesome 10k run down south...the mud run. it's at some marine corps base in orange county. tons of fun. i need to sign up and do that this year.

i need to make a dentist appointment...my teeth have been bothering me. teeth and feet pretty much suck. they are so much more trouble than they are worth. i wish i could just have all my teeth replaced with something that required no maintenance. feet...i suppose are not quite as bad...but they are still a PITA. (not like the bread thingy, it's an acronym).

going to seattle next weekend for chris' wedding. went to NYC last weekend...and a few weeks before that, washington DC. travel is good...but i'm just way too much of a homebody to travel this much.

careers...i'm thinking that i need to start angling myself towards a computer/IT/geek type of a role. i'm not really worried about whether it's with P&G or not, but i suppose it would be the "best". I would need to move into management for sure...i don't want to stay stuck under this glass ceiling/jacked up perception thing forever. i'm not going to say that i'm ok just letting it exist...because if i'm going to stay with this company, i am going to work to make the situation better...but i feel that I can do that much more effectively as a manager. maybe it would be better to stay as a tech? who knows...either way...i need to be looking for more opportunities to change this place.

i'm in zoey's right now. they are on my friends list...good times. this place is almost the epitome of relaxing...of nice...it's so comfortable here...so freaking cool. they have a little mini stage...they have a fun balcony...they are in a fun alley and they usually have pretty good coffee, food and people to enjoy. sokny is getting her hair cut...i guess that's cool. the new price on tix that i found for seattle will save more than she spends on her cut anyways...that's good :) I was worried that i was going to end up getting ripped off because i procrastinated for so long about buying them.

i think i need another coffee...i should just setup a caffeine drip...that would be so much easier. but coffee is pretty yummy to sip on...

i'm done...bye!

ecclesiastes (ported from myspace)

again....futility. is all for naught? I feel as though the thoughts and insanity in my mind echoes this book...as though my life were a mirror of these thoughts...played out in the shakespearian theater that is my distorted mind. i so often feel as though the only way to break out of this cycle is to abandon that which i know and truly put ME to the test. that's not just horrible english...but truly the battle that I wage internally so very frequently. quit job (everyone says it's a good job...or rather, that it's a good company to work for...but I am so dissatisfied by it) my job is the epitome of the worthlessness that is this human existence - we make toilet paper. aside from the fact that everything we do gets flushed down the toilet (sure, you can argue that it has its moment...and an important moment at that)...I don't even contribute to directly making this poo paper...i provide data as to how well we did during the making of said paper. how secondary...how temporary...how futile!

like really...I can do a good job at what i do...i can do a freaking great job at it in fact...but i am not convinced that this is what God made me for. my capability is so much more than what i am doing...i feel like the Z06 )read: FAST( corvette that is bought up by a car collector (pNg) only to be parked amidst a collection of other cars...some nice, some not so nice... (i'm not trying to say that i'm better than anyone else...just that i feel like my potential is SOOOOOOOOOOO much more than my current task requires)...ugh bla pfft!

futility. i have been trying to make more time for reading the Bible. i'm so pathetic. I know that me reading the Bible is simply a matter of me not doing something else (computer related, more likely than not) and picking up the Bible that is 6" from my bed and putting in some quality time. I defer to God in prayer...I am too weak...i give in to the worldly, "fun" tasks instead of reading that which provides purpose.

putting 1 and 2 together, it might seem obvious that i just need to spend more time in the Bible then waa lah! bada bing bada boom! i know what i want to do or i find some facet of work that fills me...dunno dude. I have yet to explore that...i really really enjoy this daily verse that i get from la illumina alma (book of light)...something like that. they send out a daily verse that i make time to read each morning (when at work) that helps me to get some scripture into my mundane regime...thats nice

not sure what else to say. how sad it is that my sole vent for my real voice is this page...this keyboard that knows me better than anyone else...these words that i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone in particular yet share with the world at large...unknowingly...blindly pouring my soul out onto this screen...filling pixel after wasted pixel with letters and words streamed from my inner being onto some server in the middle of nowhere owned by some large company that doesnt care a whit about me...only wanting a few clicks of the ads from me to pay for my existence...pay for my 0's and 1's stored away on a few Mb's of space. they don't care...my computer (golly, that sounds personal) doesnt care...in fact...i'm not even sure that i care. what's the point in posting this stuff publicly...except to seek out that unconfirmed affirmation that what i am and what i do is worth something? to see that as of now, there have been just over 1000 reads of my blogs...does that make me feel worthwhile? does that justify me? i dont think so. i drink up precious water (water really is quite a freakin awesome miracle)...use up gallon after stinky gallon of gas...pollute endless cubic meters of our precious atmosphere...buy all of these silly electronic devices as if they are the very thing that will preserve my life when I am old and this crappy body sits decaying in a chair waiting for me to leave so it can finally rest and return to the earth in some attempt to return all of the nutrients that i wrecklessly consumed to the earth...to God...wow.

futility. i would have a hard time justifying the energy and life that i consume for a single day let along all (365*27+10+31+30+31+31+28+31+30+31+3+23hr+39mins) of my life. ok, so i can't really take credit for the first 5 years or so as I was still trying to learn to eat, sleep and not wet myself at the same time...but dang. what is the value of life? infinite! some might say with a passionate cry. so i have wasted infinite amounts of money (is that really what this world comes down to?)...air - what is the value of air?...water...hmm...God's time and energy in creating me, watching me, listening to me, talking to me? that does sound more appropriate.

futility. this life...so we have so many things in us that are said to be "innate". born with. instinctual. human. so yeah...for instance...suckling on one's mother as an infant...before we learn to control our bodies...we know how to find food. we know certain things...we will learn to walk without much encouragement. we know how to take care of young. we know that giving is good (some study showed that humans gain satisfaction at a core level when we give - like charity)....it is in our nature to serve (heard this at church...though i would still say that it's one of the hardest things to CONCIOUSLY do)...hmm...I would say that we are selfish. whether that's a product of society or biology...who knows... (nature vs nurture...yada yada). but dang....i would say that most of what i (or we, considering that sokny is pretty much attached to my side - for better or worse...i'm sure i have already written somewhere about how much of a pathetic partner i am) most of what i do is completely selfish. work...earn money for me to spend on me...get praised for what a good job i do (makes me feel good)...type on the computer to get out the thoughts that ravage my brain day in and day out...work until 1030 to make tomorrow easier for me...travel to new york so i don't have to trust sokny...i can just be there with her and not have to worry (as much) since i still have a really hard time trusting her. oh yeah...and bop around new york for fun (for me). go to church for my own eternal sake. what do i do for others. ooh...i bought a CD for someone at work...i sold something on ebay for someone else...i give computer advice to folks at work...i talk to people and try not to be mean. hmm i complain about my job because I'M bored...because i'm not getting paid enough or whatever. what do i really have to complain about at work...or in life for that matter.

it's an odd thing that people from cultures that are financially less fortunate are happier. makes you wonder if you just quit everything you know and moved to some 3rd world country (funny how they are happier, yet we still put them below us in "rank")...and made a life there. spread the word of God to unbelievers...lived life...actually got to know people. so the immediate argument for "running away"...(truly, both sides can be argued with equal merit)...is that "if I run away, who is going to minister to the folks I work with now?" i have no idea (laughing now)...i'm really just searching for my purpose in life.

read part of the purpose driven life. some books are just too "committal" for me. "pick up your cross and follow me". so many interpretations of that. does that mean that I should just leave? so many interpretations...ok, no, it means that i have to pick up my cross daily...that cross being the burden of sharing the gospel with others at work on a daily basis...hitting the human reset button and devoting my current existence to God. blah...is this a curse? what is a curse? blah.!@#Jkslzfjiaosjfd;alks;32512. I really wonder how long this can go. it amazes me how bodies (mine would be the subject of this particular dissection) just cannot focus on one thing for too long. Not ADD necessarily...but more in the sense of just not really having the capability to do something for a prolonged period...like typing this in depth monologue...like sitting in front of a computer learning a new task 1 on 1 with someone else...like digging into a particular program issue. like my brain either overloads...after which i need a break...or just shuts down...like a laptop battery using up the reserve...it needs some time to recharge after such intense use. intense use...that sounds like i'm actually putting my body to work. why do i feel as though i don't do that often enough. on previous subject, i wonder how long I could really type into this thing before i just dwindle into incomprehensibility...probably not worth trying as that would waste my time and yours. is this worthwhile?

new background just changed...it's set to change at random every 30 mins...ugh...tired. haha...what a lame title that was and how amazing that it lasted for so long. tired. futile...all negative. does this vent in my life represent the negative that opposes the positive that i give off during the day? nah. i do have quite a suprising bit of negativity in me. it's freaking weird. some things just frustrate me to no end. things about me, about the world, about ebay, about my car, about how trivial life seems to be, about how complicated everything/everyone is...and without even trying to be complicated/difficult, about relationships, sex, no sex )not funny, though i'm laughing deliriously now(, about hormones, emotions, cameras, pictures, technology, ugh...so much frustrating stuff in life. is this what it is like to NOT live in heaven? are these the things that will work beautifully when we get there? how will it be possible to live in coexistance with eachother as individuals and yet get along perfectly. that is quite a quandry (luckily we have God to work on that one for us).

blog pictures hiking AMD processors vs Intel Core Duo's (intel's current chips are a better deal for the dollar right now)...mac vs PC (skip)...linux...career...shawn mcdonald (rocking artist of the blog!) getting tired. let's see...worked from 645-615, then 8-1030...13hrs. maybe i can just not show up tomorrow (oh...today). bah...i have to at least drive sokny in at 5...she left her car at work and rode home with her parents after dinner. hmm. i suppose i will get "not so much" sleep. oh well. it's overrated. that would be nice...if we didnt have to sleep. keep dreaming sucka. i remember something from slashdot.org about drugs that mimicked sleep while being awake...something like 72hrs straight with an improvement in cognitive functions...cool. i would probably complain about that too. i suppose this ends my run of blathering about nothing.....

sleep....1208am 060507

more learnings about myself (ported from myspace)

life is pretty funny...i think i just might be a little slow on the uptake...but i never cease to be amazed at how much i really don't know about myself. this may seem like a trivial learning...but in the context of a relationship, the impact is amazing.



I suppose that i really just realized that i tend to be a go with the flow kinda guy. that piece in particular is something that i have thought about in the past...but the learning today is more around how that can impact my relationships. i think that if i were not in a relationship (hypothetical...but i can say this from experience as well)...i would probably just go to work, go home...with the occasional stop on the way to/from for food and gas. i really dont get out that much...i suppose that's just a reflection on how i was raised. i really like it...i don't need to get out and fill my afternoons with this or that...my nature is just to try to consolidate "things" as much as possible...be as efficient as possible with life. i have found that when i do that...i'm much less stressed and i typically find myself wandering fry's (especially on fridays when the new sales ad comes out) or at the mall (any mall...pick one).



so yeah...that's something that pretty much anyone that knows me would be able to say about me.



the learning comes in when that is put into a relationship. what i realized was that my lack of desire to make plans...to go out...to get engaged in the real world tends to be detrimental because i end up just saying yes to things that i don't really want to do. there is always give and take in relationships (and i firmly believe that there has to be/should be) but there is a point where it just doesnt make sense. example...i'm really not such a fan of shopping...in general...but more specifically, when i'm going shopping for dresses...umm...no, not for me...or for body lotion, hand lotion, bikinis, etc. that's just not my thing.



so what i'm going to try to do more is to acutally think about what i'm committing to and try to vizualize what i'm actually going to be doing...and figure out whether i will enjoy it. (aside...i feel like a first grader realizing that throwing rocks at girls might not be the best thing to do...oh yeah...um...i did get in trouble for that back in the day :). but anyways...yeah.



blogging...is a way...for me...to...put my thoughts in front of myself in order to more accurately process my subconcious. (as i write, i'm realizing that just putting into words the reason behind putting things into words is a vicious circle that could only be put into words by the person who is trying to rationalize putting so many things into words)



*wow...i didnt realize that i had animated icons in my arsenal...fun*



music is an amazing force in life. the sheer power of music to reach in and touch one's soul...to take control of one's mind and turn the steering wheel from sad, emotionally drained to "down with women"..."i can do this". (dashboard confessional)..or whatever...blows my mind. that's why i have been making this concious effort of late to fill my ears...fill my mind with Christian music. take for instance...any random day on the way to work. if I plug my ipod into the car on the way and just go with whatever random track pops up (out of my curent ~3500 song mix)...i might end up listening to nine inch nails...metallica...fugees...or whatever. but that probably isnt the mindset with which I could start my day of with to best glorify God. it sucks how much effort it takes to focus on God in the day to day (for me). i suppose it's really not that much more effort than just living life.

i often wonder why life it so retardedly high maintenance. why do i have to wear socks for my shoes to be comfortable. and if they are so comfortable, why do my shoes feel like they weigh ten pounds (other than the fact that they're steel toed)...and being so heavy...why do they make my feet get so hot...and on top of that, they smell...(TMI?)...then taking them off after work...ah...that feels nice. on up the chain...how about food? i wish that i could just be full all of the time. not necessarily in pain bloated ouch i'm full...but just comfortable full. that's a great feeling. it is tedious to have to plan out 2-6 meals every day just to get by. don't get me started on the by-products of all that food intake...that's a whole chapter in the book of life unto itself. but yeah...add to all of the other mundane, time consuming tasks that we are faced with...driving safely...death all over the news...car insurance...auto-bill pay...sand in my shoes...hair dye...bad weather (ok, can't really complain about that one in Cali)...unhealthy food...and it seems almost futile to make any attempt at fitting other aspect of relational life into the picture (though honestly, most of my relational issues are fought internally)...wow...i'm getting tired just thinking about this stuff...oh well...back to work

ta ta!

blogarhythmic iterations (ported from myspace)

to blog or not to blog, that is the question.

i'm so tired of being tired. i'm not really sure what to say or to expect from the next day...they all come one at a time...but what really gets me is how random life is. not that i'm really doing anything terribly impactful at the moment with my life nor am i really sure what my plan is for making an impact. i'm really just floating again...down the river...going with the flow...what really constitutes an impact? what would really make for a worthwhile life? i'm just not sure. there is so much out there in life...so much opportunity...but there...stop right there...

what is opportunity? does that mean that there are so many "million dollar ideas"...ideas that just need to be acted upon? i don't like million dollar ideas. they are stressful...they are fun to talk over coffee...but who really wants to work that much? who wants to worry that much about something so temporary as money. even with a secular mindset, it is tough to justify spending this life just to make and spend money. so...opportunity. does that mean that i should take more time to excercise opportunities to share God's love with folks? that one really sounds the best to me...i'm just not that good at it. i'm needy. i spend way too much time just thinking about stuff. not necessarily stuff that makes sense...i will probably never be happy in a relationship...i'm not totally sure why...it just feels to me that there is always going to be something major in each one that will prevent me from being fully satisfied. so that's another interesting thing...so yeah...we (Christians) know that in this life, we are not really ever going to be fulfilled...except through Christ...except the times when we drop "life" and truly embrace God for all that he is. I'm not really motivated in life to the degree that i "should" or "could" be. so...i'm not sure if that means that i'm doing what i'm supposed to or if i really should make the effort to fully excercise my abilities...at work, in my relationships, in my friendships, my family, my spirituality...what is the ever elusive "should"?

but really...it's days like today when i have 8 hours to myself..where i just want to listen to the birds....not that i'm a huge fan...listen to the hum of the computer fan...just relish in life. these are the days when i re-center myself around who i really am. i'm still not 100% that i'm not just being totally selfish...but i feel that there is a balance between being selfish and doing something for yourself so that you can do more for others. that is something that i shall continue to seek after. that....i would say...is one of my "gifts".

now i feel like i'm talking Xmen speak...like i found out that i can walk through walls...and maybe it is that important. i dont know. so...what i really said is that i think that my constant struggling...my inability to settle or to be satisfied with...much of anything just might be a good thing. i probably have a ton of polishing to do...i know i do, no use in false pretenses. so that though brought up a faint hint of human nature. we are all programmed...by society...to not be satisfied. it's pretty disgusting. we are told not to be satisfied with what we have (by ads...by the media...by eachother)...we are told not to be satisfied with this or that in our relationships...that w should...that we deserve to have the perfect marriage...the perfect kids...hmm...they dont exist. but by living under these...we make ourselves slave to the world. my macbook is a chain...it is just another worldly possession that steals away from my ability to commit myself to God and to live my life according to his will and ties another piece of my soul to this world. we are grounded to this world by our possessions...by our lust* for a perfect marriage/relationship. i say lust because it is a similarly "surface" desire. something that has no logical...emotional...no healthy basis for existing. i don't want the "Mr and Mrs Smith" marriage - not the one from the movie - but the pervasive images that the media pushes onto us...and that we push onto eachother as to what a perfect marraige looks like.

it would be amazing if we could have a time-out in life. an easy button where we could just push it and spend a day...a week...a true vacation with God. There are moments...mostly during worship...where i really do connect with God...but the rest of the time, i just feel like i'm not really doing what i should be doing and that "when i get home, i'm going to spend some time with God" I have said that to myself so many times...it's almost unreal that i still believe myself when i say it.

on that note...i'm going to go throw my macbook on the charger with my ipod...go to latte 101 and read my bible. ;)