so the topic of commitment has been placed on the table. it's weird...the other day, i heard that it was brought up that i'm not ready to "commit" in the relationship. i guess that's just a shocker to me, because i'm pretty much Mr. Commitment. i'm all about looking for a wife and not just someone to hang out with for the current week/day/whatever. so yeah, it came as a shock to me. i guess the bottom line is that sok is ready for a ring and i'm not ready to give it to her.
i'm still not convinced that i'm not commited. let's see what webster says..."com·mit·ment Pronunciation (k-mtmnt)
n.
1. The act or an instance of committing, especially:
a. The act of referring a legislative bill to committee.
b. Official consignment, as to a prison or mental health facility.
c. A court order authorizing consignment to a prison.
2.
a. A pledge to do.
b. Something pledged, especially an engagement by contract involving financial obligation.
3. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family." so...today's applikashun falls under number 2a and 3. (little aside haha about 2a...that's funny stuff in the context of the current discussion...i guess 1c could be funny too...or maybe not so funny...hmm). anyhow...number 3. yeah, so i'm bound emotionally and intellectually to the relationship. i have a profound commitment to her. I think it's to the point where i'm feeling obligated (a. A social, legal, or moral requirement, such as a duty, contract, or promise that compels one to follow or avoid a particular course of action.) to propose and that somehow, there is now a sense of urgency to the matter. that's where it gets back to the lack of health derived from the female biological clock. (detrimental to the relationship).
hmm yeah....i'm not sure that i really had much to say about commitment, except that i'm commited to the relationship...but it is being spread about that i'm not... because i haven't purchased a (really freakin expensive) ring. haha. um yeah. so i have trust issues and i dont want to "take the plunge" until i'm totally sure that this chick proves her saltiness and i'm not there yet. bottom freakin line. :P anyhow...i'm thinking that i might just have a chronic issue with humans in general and that i will never be satisfied with someone else (or myself, for that matter...i'm pretty much worthless). anyway...now, on with the show
this complete waste of time was sponsored by your local sleep deprivation clinic (i'm sooooooo in need of a good night's rest...) blarhrl'aslkj
Currently listening:
In Your Honor
By Foo Fighters
Release date: 14 June, 2005
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Friday, March 31, 2006
beautiful day (ported from myspace)
Chris Cagle - What A Beautiful Day
Day one, I stumbled through hello on fifth avenue.
Day two, we grabbed a bite to eat and talked all afternoon.
Caught a movie on day fourteen.
And day 67 she said I love you to me.
Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day, what a beautiful day.
Day 116, I asked her what she was doing for the rest of my life.
Day 189, oh I almost lost that girl to my foolish pride.
She said I do on day 482.
And gave me a son on day 761.
Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day.
Day 18,253, well honey, that's 50 years yeah here's to you and me.
Yeah what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
Yeah what a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day. What a beautiful day.
Day one, I thank God I said hello on fifth avenue.
Day one, I stumbled through hello on fifth avenue.
Day two, we grabbed a bite to eat and talked all afternoon.
Caught a movie on day fourteen.
And day 67 she said I love you to me.
Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day, what a beautiful day.
Day 116, I asked her what she was doing for the rest of my life.
Day 189, oh I almost lost that girl to my foolish pride.
She said I do on day 482.
And gave me a son on day 761.
Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day.
Day 18,253, well honey, that's 50 years yeah here's to you and me.
Yeah what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
Yeah what a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day. What a beautiful day.
Day one, I thank God I said hello on fifth avenue.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
relationships are... (ported from myspace)
woopee doo...another valentines day i'm really tired of this feeling that I always have to make the person who i'm in a relationship with happy. it's so one-sided. everyone that's reading this probably knows me well enough to know that i'm all about the person who i'm in a relationship with and I think that normally, that is a totally healthy perspective/attitude to have in a relationship. I'm actually a pretty big fan of doing stuff for the person i'm with. I love making my woman feel special, feel like she is the only person on the planet that i want to be with and to just barrage her with suprises and kisses and a variety of other forms of affection. i think this relationship is slowly killing that aspect of me...and I hate that. i feel like when I do something (suprises or whatever), it's almost an expectation. like...i'm just meeting the minimum criteria for being in the relationship...however, on the flipside, when she does something for me, it has to be the biggest suprise ever and I spend the next four hours saying thank you for whatever it was that she did. i'm sure this is probably just an over reaction to something that happened today, as today is supposed to be a special, romantic day...but i'm really burned out on suprises to tell you the truth. seriously...it feels like today is a day where i have to prove that i can go above and beyond what i normally do...like i have to earn my place in this relationship. i just want to cry on days like today...it feels like yet another holiday...birthday...anniversary...whatever the special occasion (unless it's my bday), it's my job to go above and beyond and plan a special evening...to get her the "right" gift...whatever. i'm so tired of how hard i have to work internally (in my head, working through this pile of BS or that pile...), being the only person in the relationship trying to work through issues...and bringing up issues, i guess...to sum it up...i'm tired of TRYING soooooo much harder than she. again, i'm sure this is a matter of perspective, but really...me...kyle...tired. :( poor me, eh? that was pretty pathetic. um...so yeah, now i'm at the bottom of the list of anyone who's reading this. no big deal. you're the one who came into my blog and decided to read yet another unadulterated excerpt from my messed up brain. ya have to give me credit for consistancy, eh? consistantly blurting out my thoughts when i'm the most upset...when i'm totally caught up in the moment...when i'm at my weakest. i'm not sure that's necessarily a good thing, but that's what it is.
ok...now that i have purged the majority of the frustrations from my brain...i'm going to take a step back and see if there's something to all this. y'know what's funny...maybe not funny...um...interesting? awhile back, i started tracking "good days" and "bad days" in the context of the relationship and i found a very strange trend. typically, i average 50% almost right down the middle, good vs bad. then, i guess i get to the point where i'm totally fed up with the whole mess and I just let it go...i usually end up bringing it up late in the night, when i can't sleep because i'm so frustrated with the relationship (which happens quite a bit) and i see her sleeping there, like nothing is wrong...and i wake her up and start talking. those conversations usually consist of me talking...then she will interject some sort of argument for her position...i get mad at her interrupting me when i was just getting started...then i finish what i was saying...she is already upset and closed off because i got mad at her...she says sorry and that the whole mess was her fault (a pity plea, if you ask me)...i feel like an ass for bringing up what would have been a valid point...and that's about the end of it. after those kind of "emotional releases", we usually do really well for about a week...maybe a little more. i'm not sure why...i guess that means that we do well until enough crap has built up in my head for me to get lost in it without too much incentive from her (this morning, i was upset because she was wearing a hoodie thing that zipped down, with only a bra underneath...i thought it was a little scandalous, she got pissed at my comment and BAM!...all of the sudden V-day is ruined...at least, so far it is). so i guess i'm either to the point in the relationship where i don't feel like it's worth it to suffer this much and it's something about the chemistry between us...or i'm just messed up in the head and not fit for any relationship.
i usually feel like women suck off and on, as men and women have an innate lack of understanding of eachother, but i don't think it should be like THIS. so...we are averaging less than 50% good days with an occasional non-productive emotional outburst from yours truly. good...bad...?? i have no freakin idea. is god just challenging me with this relationship or is he saying "abandon ship!!" that's the interesting thing about the bible...through it's verses, any situation can be interpreted as a "learning, growing experience" or as a "sign from God". blarg! i'm weak. i'm going to pray after i finish this.
more learnings? um...yeah, i guess this is just good food for thought for me...wipe the slate clean by pouring all the junk out on this page...and churn up some new conclusions to start off the thoughts for the new day.
work? is it a bad thing for work to be number 1? personally, i think work is just a means to an end. it's a place where we go to make money. that's the primary reason. if we didnt get paid, we wouldnt go to work, bottom line. 2. we go to work to glorify god through our steadfastness and commitment to doing the job we are doing as well as we can. 3. work is a great place to spread God's word to other folks. i have heard from many a retiree that it's the people that made the job great all these years. fair enough, but we're not here for eachother's company...but for the money. hmm...money sucks. it comes, it goes...but it's really just another flat tire, another rusty quarter panel...another decaying piece of life here on earth that just exemplefies human life. it's good for a bit...then it's not so good. when you have it, you want to spend it...then you dont have it...and you want more of it. good...bad...up...down...life on earth.
and with that...my thoughts drift back to narnia. the last book (the last battle) ends in an interesting way. all of the kids from the previous books die right before the last battle. they go to narnia, but they are already dead on earth. some sort of train wreck. anyways...at the end of the book, they go to heaven. they said that it looked like narnia, but better...more alive...it really made me think. what is heaven like? i know that God doesnt want me there how I am now, but that God wants the me there that is the me that I CAN be. i CAN be better. i am able to NOT have pre-marital sex...i'm just really lousy at NOT doing it. i'm a really bad perfect human. i wouldnt make a good Jesus...I drive too fast on the freeway...I curse...i'm not always as nice as i should be (not always lovin' on folks like i should be).
that reminds me of a verse i read earlier this week..."If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." -- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. so love should be the basis of our lives. it is often said that the ten commandments are all about love...four about loving god and 6 about loving others (i think that's the split). is all that stuff I just wrote a part of a loving relationship? am I being treated with love in the relationship and am I, on the flipside, treating her with love? i know that no matter what, there is going to be room for improvement...but dang...is it supposed to be this hard? that's something I often get caught up on...maybe God is just teaching me to love folks that are difficult to love. not that sokny is difficult to love all the time, but dang, sometimes she sure does rub the WRONG way.
i think i'm bipolar in this relationship and that has always struck me as odd...one day, i'm wondering why i wouldnt want to marry her...and the next day, i'm telling myself that i would be miserable in the relationship and that all she wants me for is to make cute kids for her (or duckies, as we call them). i'm wondering if that is something that is going to continue or if we are going to work through the issues that are causing all of the commotion and we will be able to kick it in the blissful portion of the relationship. i'm not deluded...i know that there are always going to be hard times, but i'm not willing to have to deal with stuff like i do now...for the rest of my life. so again...is god just trying to teach me to love people when it's not easy? or is he saying get the heck off the train?
i think that this issue is on the brain even more lately with all of the pressure i'm getting to get her a ring. WTF is that all about anyways? (aside...after running, she tells me: i'm not trying to pressure you, but i was thinking...if we are going to get a ring eventually anyways...why can't you just get it now?...is that pressure or am i on crack?) i have told her many times that i don't want to get her a ring until i'm ready. i fully understand that thing are never going to be 100% right...but when is it settling and when is it just saying that we are going to have to work through the remaining issues? i have told her many, many, many times that her pressuring me or asking me to get her a ring before i'm ready is not ok...it just adds stress to the situation and clutters my brain. (really, i have enough to work through in my head without the extra emotional stress of an engagement ring right now). i don't feel like it should be an induced decision. would you want to marry someone that felt pressured into buying the ring? will i be pressured into the wedding as well? ...kids? ...moving? ...not moving? i feel like relationships are all about supporting the other person in what they want to do, not the opposite.
i'm conflicted.
God...i am soooo ready for these learnings to be over...and for the real game to start. when is the real game? when do i find my purpose for being here? there is only one ME...God has me here for a reason...umm...i guess i'm just waiting for the right email, eh? i feel like i'm just reiterating the thoughts of every other person on earth...what is the meaning of life...lol
God: so...why did i put you on earth. Me: um...to make sure that P&G makes as much off of each roll of toilet paper as possible and that i did my best at providing them with that data. SMILE! God: umm... Me: umm... yeah...
ok...now that i have purged the majority of the frustrations from my brain...i'm going to take a step back and see if there's something to all this. y'know what's funny...maybe not funny...um...interesting? awhile back, i started tracking "good days" and "bad days" in the context of the relationship and i found a very strange trend. typically, i average 50% almost right down the middle, good vs bad. then, i guess i get to the point where i'm totally fed up with the whole mess and I just let it go...i usually end up bringing it up late in the night, when i can't sleep because i'm so frustrated with the relationship (which happens quite a bit) and i see her sleeping there, like nothing is wrong...and i wake her up and start talking. those conversations usually consist of me talking...then she will interject some sort of argument for her position...i get mad at her interrupting me when i was just getting started...then i finish what i was saying...she is already upset and closed off because i got mad at her...she says sorry and that the whole mess was her fault (a pity plea, if you ask me)...i feel like an ass for bringing up what would have been a valid point...and that's about the end of it. after those kind of "emotional releases", we usually do really well for about a week...maybe a little more. i'm not sure why...i guess that means that we do well until enough crap has built up in my head for me to get lost in it without too much incentive from her (this morning, i was upset because she was wearing a hoodie thing that zipped down, with only a bra underneath...i thought it was a little scandalous, she got pissed at my comment and BAM!...all of the sudden V-day is ruined...at least, so far it is). so i guess i'm either to the point in the relationship where i don't feel like it's worth it to suffer this much and it's something about the chemistry between us...or i'm just messed up in the head and not fit for any relationship.
i usually feel like women suck off and on, as men and women have an innate lack of understanding of eachother, but i don't think it should be like THIS. so...we are averaging less than 50% good days with an occasional non-productive emotional outburst from yours truly. good...bad...?? i have no freakin idea. is god just challenging me with this relationship or is he saying "abandon ship!!" that's the interesting thing about the bible...through it's verses, any situation can be interpreted as a "learning, growing experience" or as a "sign from God". blarg! i'm weak. i'm going to pray after i finish this.
more learnings? um...yeah, i guess this is just good food for thought for me...wipe the slate clean by pouring all the junk out on this page...and churn up some new conclusions to start off the thoughts for the new day.
work? is it a bad thing for work to be number 1? personally, i think work is just a means to an end. it's a place where we go to make money. that's the primary reason. if we didnt get paid, we wouldnt go to work, bottom line. 2. we go to work to glorify god through our steadfastness and commitment to doing the job we are doing as well as we can. 3. work is a great place to spread God's word to other folks. i have heard from many a retiree that it's the people that made the job great all these years. fair enough, but we're not here for eachother's company...but for the money. hmm...money sucks. it comes, it goes...but it's really just another flat tire, another rusty quarter panel...another decaying piece of life here on earth that just exemplefies human life. it's good for a bit...then it's not so good. when you have it, you want to spend it...then you dont have it...and you want more of it. good...bad...up...down...life on earth.
and with that...my thoughts drift back to narnia. the last book (the last battle) ends in an interesting way. all of the kids from the previous books die right before the last battle. they go to narnia, but they are already dead on earth. some sort of train wreck. anyways...at the end of the book, they go to heaven. they said that it looked like narnia, but better...more alive...it really made me think. what is heaven like? i know that God doesnt want me there how I am now, but that God wants the me there that is the me that I CAN be. i CAN be better. i am able to NOT have pre-marital sex...i'm just really lousy at NOT doing it. i'm a really bad perfect human. i wouldnt make a good Jesus...I drive too fast on the freeway...I curse...i'm not always as nice as i should be (not always lovin' on folks like i should be).
that reminds me of a verse i read earlier this week..."If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." -- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. so love should be the basis of our lives. it is often said that the ten commandments are all about love...four about loving god and 6 about loving others (i think that's the split). is all that stuff I just wrote a part of a loving relationship? am I being treated with love in the relationship and am I, on the flipside, treating her with love? i know that no matter what, there is going to be room for improvement...but dang...is it supposed to be this hard? that's something I often get caught up on...maybe God is just teaching me to love folks that are difficult to love. not that sokny is difficult to love all the time, but dang, sometimes she sure does rub the WRONG way.
i think i'm bipolar in this relationship and that has always struck me as odd...one day, i'm wondering why i wouldnt want to marry her...and the next day, i'm telling myself that i would be miserable in the relationship and that all she wants me for is to make cute kids for her (or duckies, as we call them). i'm wondering if that is something that is going to continue or if we are going to work through the issues that are causing all of the commotion and we will be able to kick it in the blissful portion of the relationship. i'm not deluded...i know that there are always going to be hard times, but i'm not willing to have to deal with stuff like i do now...for the rest of my life. so again...is god just trying to teach me to love people when it's not easy? or is he saying get the heck off the train?
i think that this issue is on the brain even more lately with all of the pressure i'm getting to get her a ring. WTF is that all about anyways? (aside...after running, she tells me: i'm not trying to pressure you, but i was thinking...if we are going to get a ring eventually anyways...why can't you just get it now?...is that pressure or am i on crack?) i have told her many times that i don't want to get her a ring until i'm ready. i fully understand that thing are never going to be 100% right...but when is it settling and when is it just saying that we are going to have to work through the remaining issues? i have told her many, many, many times that her pressuring me or asking me to get her a ring before i'm ready is not ok...it just adds stress to the situation and clutters my brain. (really, i have enough to work through in my head without the extra emotional stress of an engagement ring right now). i don't feel like it should be an induced decision. would you want to marry someone that felt pressured into buying the ring? will i be pressured into the wedding as well? ...kids? ...moving? ...not moving? i feel like relationships are all about supporting the other person in what they want to do, not the opposite.
i'm conflicted.
God...i am soooo ready for these learnings to be over...and for the real game to start. when is the real game? when do i find my purpose for being here? there is only one ME...God has me here for a reason...umm...i guess i'm just waiting for the right email, eh? i feel like i'm just reiterating the thoughts of every other person on earth...what is the meaning of life...lol
God: so...why did i put you on earth. Me: um...to make sure that P&G makes as much off of each roll of toilet paper as possible and that i did my best at providing them with that data. SMILE! God: umm... Me: umm... yeah...
Thursday, February 09, 2006
work work revolution (ported from myspace)
work...um...yeah, so in the bible, it says that we should all work hard to glorify god. i guess i have been pondering this a lot lately, as my job is not exactly 100% of what i would like it to be or probably even 100% of a full job, for that matter. my backfill in my previous role is out today...and it took me all of 1hr to do her stuff this morning...a few hours anyways...i guess my workload is finally ramping up, which is good, but it really feels like i'm just getting by, day to day...not really making any valid progress. um...i guess i need to restate that, or at least try to explain.
err...i feel like we have a bunch of people who don't do their jobs correctly all the time, then we have people who are paid to fix all of the little screwups that slip through the normal filters (i do a little of this)...then we have people that pretty much just sit around talking to people all day, "setting direction" as to how they want the business run (managers). so my role kinda falls right between the two factions. my role is that of a level2 mgr, while i am only getting paid as a level3 tech ( a hefty pay discrepancy, if i dont say so myself). i guess i'm really not that worried about the money...i've never been about making huge sums of cash...i just want enough so i can do what i want for the most part and just live life. i dont need to have a small fortune, a mansion and four wives...but i would like to be settled beyond the current pay period. anyways...the WHOLE purpose of this blog concept was to get out frustrations/confusion about god and his purpose for my life. in fact, sokny was helping me with this yesterday. we were talking about how i was feeling out of the loop at work, in a time where i really need to be in the loop, but that the people who are supposed to keep me in the loop don't care enough to make the effort to involve me (their loss, IMHO, but whatever).
anyways...so i was frustrated, saying that i should go find another job and that maybe god was encouraging me onward...past this job. she referred to one of my first favorite bible verses (rom 5:3, i think) that says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces hope and hope is basically what helps us to stay positive and keep believing in God (that he is good). that's a paraphrase...argh...let me see if i can find it in NIV..."3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ah yes, character...ya gotta have character.
anyways...yeah, so she brought that up and it really helped me to flip my mood around. i still vented to her (another topic, for another day, as it says in proverbs that only a fool let's his my fly off...which i kinda related to venting) for another hour or so, but in the end, it was really good for me. we talked through some work stuff and it ended up being a really positive situation. yeah...so i still struggle with my purpose at work..not my lame job description, but my God-glorifying reason for existing on this planet, because, gosh darnit, there's only one of me and God put me here for a reason...i just need to do my best to strive towards that. arg...back to work...i will have to get back to this later or something...
err...i feel like we have a bunch of people who don't do their jobs correctly all the time, then we have people who are paid to fix all of the little screwups that slip through the normal filters (i do a little of this)...then we have people that pretty much just sit around talking to people all day, "setting direction" as to how they want the business run (managers). so my role kinda falls right between the two factions. my role is that of a level2 mgr, while i am only getting paid as a level3 tech ( a hefty pay discrepancy, if i dont say so myself). i guess i'm really not that worried about the money...i've never been about making huge sums of cash...i just want enough so i can do what i want for the most part and just live life. i dont need to have a small fortune, a mansion and four wives...but i would like to be settled beyond the current pay period. anyways...the WHOLE purpose of this blog concept was to get out frustrations/confusion about god and his purpose for my life. in fact, sokny was helping me with this yesterday. we were talking about how i was feeling out of the loop at work, in a time where i really need to be in the loop, but that the people who are supposed to keep me in the loop don't care enough to make the effort to involve me (their loss, IMHO, but whatever).
anyways...so i was frustrated, saying that i should go find another job and that maybe god was encouraging me onward...past this job. she referred to one of my first favorite bible verses (rom 5:3, i think) that says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces hope and hope is basically what helps us to stay positive and keep believing in God (that he is good). that's a paraphrase...argh...let me see if i can find it in NIV..."3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ah yes, character...ya gotta have character.
anyways...yeah, so she brought that up and it really helped me to flip my mood around. i still vented to her (another topic, for another day, as it says in proverbs that only a fool let's his my fly off...which i kinda related to venting) for another hour or so, but in the end, it was really good for me. we talked through some work stuff and it ended up being a really positive situation. yeah...so i still struggle with my purpose at work..not my lame job description, but my God-glorifying reason for existing on this planet, because, gosh darnit, there's only one of me and God put me here for a reason...i just need to do my best to strive towards that. arg...back to work...i will have to get back to this later or something...
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
try talk (ported from myspace)
Category: Food and Restaurants
So...talking...is very interesting. i think i'm actually a pretty boring as far as normal day to day conversations go. some people are good at making the day to day conversation...actually digging for the details (whether they are interested or not is a different story) and remembering stuff from the last time they talked (how was your vacation to bla bla? were you able to catch any rays?) i guess i strive for that sort of conversational expertise in that i do like getting to that level of conversation with people, i just have a hard time with it when i'm not really interested in what the person is doing. that's when i get to the "how's it goin'?"'s and the "'sup?"'s
sok and I went and heard max lucado speak at church this past weekend and he was basically echoing the thoughts of the author's of "Now, Discover Your Strengths". for the most part, it was that kinda speech, but he went to the next level. he was saying that not only should you find your strengths (god given gifts: talents, innate abilities, desires, etc), but you should strive to apply them to the best of your ability. and when you do that...it naturally follows that you will enjoy yourself at work and in doing that, you will glorify god while at work (i know, that seems like quite a concept)...this is backed by scripture (i wanna say somewhere in corinthians...hold on...nevermind, i dont have it on my desktop). anyways...that sounds great...so first...i have to discover my strengths (i guess that's where the book could help) and then, go find a job where I can best apply the gifts that God has given me so that I can make the most of my life (as max put it, there is only one of me in the world and there will only ever be one of me...so i have to be the best me that I can be...be the me that God wants/wanted me to be). and the best part is that when i find that job, i will be happier and i will enjoy what i do and be able to do it to the glory of God every day. wow...sounds like a plan to me, seeing as how 1:3 americans HATES their job and 80 perccent of americans do not feel energized or "enthuzed" about their job (per the aforementioned Max). hmm...i guess that's where i get lost. i can say that i'm pretty good with numbers...and that mechanical stuff comes pretty naturally to me...i guess computers are fine, too...i love reapplying someone else's hacks to phones...programs...mp3 players...anything electronics related and see it work...and help other people with it...but i'm not really sure where God wants me to go with these innate desires, skills and talents (no, not $1million dollars, i'm talking talent like talent show : ) oh well...as i say all the time, at least i'm thinking about it...and that, in itself, is a step in the right direction. blarg. life is difficult...i guess that's why we should work hard at being christlike (see philippians 2:1-5) so we can go to heaven, where (after)life will be goooood.
i'm not sure where i'm going...with my life here on earth, but i sure am trying hard at something...i struggle...it's what i do. oh...getting back to that first point of conversation. i guess i feel like i'm not that good at conversation, but that I am a pretty nice, friendly guy in general and that people like me (and i like people) BUT, i just suck at (what i deem to be) meaningful conversation. i think sokny is great at conversation (her and her brother, lao). i have told them this. in fact...sokny and i went to dinner with my grandparents on our way back from sean salehi's wedding (FYI, he's married, for those of you that might know him) and i learned more about my grandparents in that 3hr period than in the rest of my life (almost)...seriously...just being there, spending time with them and interacting. i didnt know that my grandma had her masters degree from USC or that they met at a presbyterian church function...so much neat stuff...that's one of the reasons that i'm stoked about sokny. she is good for me. she stretches me. not that we don't have our issues...but (at least) we're talking about 'em. :D. um...yeah, so i'm just about spent...it's tuesday?...the 10th? 10 more days until seattle/whistler...fun : )
Currently listening:
Chapter V
By Staind
Release date: 09 August, 2005
So...talking...is very interesting. i think i'm actually a pretty boring as far as normal day to day conversations go. some people are good at making the day to day conversation...actually digging for the details (whether they are interested or not is a different story) and remembering stuff from the last time they talked (how was your vacation to bla bla? were you able to catch any rays?) i guess i strive for that sort of conversational expertise in that i do like getting to that level of conversation with people, i just have a hard time with it when i'm not really interested in what the person is doing. that's when i get to the "how's it goin'?"'s and the "'sup?"'s
sok and I went and heard max lucado speak at church this past weekend and he was basically echoing the thoughts of the author's of "Now, Discover Your Strengths". for the most part, it was that kinda speech, but he went to the next level. he was saying that not only should you find your strengths (god given gifts: talents, innate abilities, desires, etc), but you should strive to apply them to the best of your ability. and when you do that...it naturally follows that you will enjoy yourself at work and in doing that, you will glorify god while at work (i know, that seems like quite a concept)...this is backed by scripture (i wanna say somewhere in corinthians...hold on...nevermind, i dont have it on my desktop). anyways...that sounds great...so first...i have to discover my strengths (i guess that's where the book could help) and then, go find a job where I can best apply the gifts that God has given me so that I can make the most of my life (as max put it, there is only one of me in the world and there will only ever be one of me...so i have to be the best me that I can be...be the me that God wants/wanted me to be). and the best part is that when i find that job, i will be happier and i will enjoy what i do and be able to do it to the glory of God every day. wow...sounds like a plan to me, seeing as how 1:3 americans HATES their job and 80 perccent of americans do not feel energized or "enthuzed" about their job (per the aforementioned Max). hmm...i guess that's where i get lost. i can say that i'm pretty good with numbers...and that mechanical stuff comes pretty naturally to me...i guess computers are fine, too...i love reapplying someone else's hacks to phones...programs...mp3 players...anything electronics related and see it work...and help other people with it...but i'm not really sure where God wants me to go with these innate desires, skills and talents (no, not $1million dollars, i'm talking talent like talent show : ) oh well...as i say all the time, at least i'm thinking about it...and that, in itself, is a step in the right direction. blarg. life is difficult...i guess that's why we should work hard at being christlike (see philippians 2:1-5) so we can go to heaven, where (after)life will be goooood.
i'm not sure where i'm going...with my life here on earth, but i sure am trying hard at something...i struggle...it's what i do. oh...getting back to that first point of conversation. i guess i feel like i'm not that good at conversation, but that I am a pretty nice, friendly guy in general and that people like me (and i like people) BUT, i just suck at (what i deem to be) meaningful conversation. i think sokny is great at conversation (her and her brother, lao). i have told them this. in fact...sokny and i went to dinner with my grandparents on our way back from sean salehi's wedding (FYI, he's married, for those of you that might know him) and i learned more about my grandparents in that 3hr period than in the rest of my life (almost)...seriously...just being there, spending time with them and interacting. i didnt know that my grandma had her masters degree from USC or that they met at a presbyterian church function...so much neat stuff...that's one of the reasons that i'm stoked about sokny. she is good for me. she stretches me. not that we don't have our issues...but (at least) we're talking about 'em. :D. um...yeah, so i'm just about spent...it's tuesday?...the 10th? 10 more days until seattle/whistler...fun : )
Currently listening:
Chapter V
By Staind
Release date: 09 August, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
first
here is a great posting to get this google blogathon started...let the games begin! i wonder how long it will take before this silly site overtakes myspace...they do have quite the headstart...hmm...i give myspace another year before ggl rocks em. hey... ".ggl" would be a great file extension for some kinda google file...i love google...mmm...gmail...google...what fun!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
why talk (ported from myspace)
my head hurts from all of this senseless jabber. i really wonder if most people talk just to find the tidbits in other people's lives that they feel are worth telling to someone else. why talk? most people dont ever really dig deep enough to make it worthwhile. talk about the weather, the lakers, how the filet at lunch was a little fatty for your personal preference...what really matters to people. i think that so much of life is wasted on talk that does nothing...goes nowhere...just for the entertainment of the few and the loud.
i do think that i am more introspective than most folks and i suppose i'm ok with that. not that i dont have my periods of just blabbering on towards no real goal or purpose...i think i do that more than i really should. i know i'm not perfect.
i guess more than anything, i'm frustrated right now that i struggle so much with being human. it is painful. it is painful having to struggle against myself so much of the time. i don't know whether i'm just being idealistic or if i just suck at being perfect, but i really feel like i am here to struggle. i recall the work that we did in thailand and the outstanding theme for me was "struggling". i struggled to work in the 120 degree heat, i struggled to not show as much affection to sokny, i struggled to stay focused on God, i struggled to make the effort to try to communicate and connect with the workers, I struggled with myself…to be better. Ack…this is all coming off like all I do is sit around and try to be better. I wish. I struggle just thinking about reading the bible and going to church and reaching out to folks. God has plans for me (good ones! – Jer29:11) and I struggle to give up control to god and to just let go. I have a tough time letting go and releasing stuff to god in general. I stress so much about any relationship that I’m in. I stress about trusting the woman that I’m with and just letting that go to god. It really is his. I need to trust god that he has and will always put me in a relationship that will help to build me up and mold me as he sees fit. Whether he wants me to go through some rough times, so I can be stronger later or wants me to chill and just be taken care of…I guess that’s just how it goes. Everything fits into the bigger picture. It’s bigger than me.
what I have found is that no matter how long you have been a Christian or how long you have been attempting to be more Christ-like (Phil 2:1-5?), there are always going to be things that you need to work on. Now, it might be sex, money, relationships in general, driving faster than the speed limit or illegal MP3’s…but once those larger, more obvious issues are worked through (and hopefully resolved), there are going to be more things to work on because, by nature, we are imperfect, prone to sinning and just plain being “not perfect”. (oh, and I’m betting that relationships are always going to be on that list, as the good relationships…the ones that last…take work…lots of it
Currently listening:
Conspiracy No. 5
By Third Day
Release date: 26 August, 1997
i do think that i am more introspective than most folks and i suppose i'm ok with that. not that i dont have my periods of just blabbering on towards no real goal or purpose...i think i do that more than i really should. i know i'm not perfect.
i guess more than anything, i'm frustrated right now that i struggle so much with being human. it is painful. it is painful having to struggle against myself so much of the time. i don't know whether i'm just being idealistic or if i just suck at being perfect, but i really feel like i am here to struggle. i recall the work that we did in thailand and the outstanding theme for me was "struggling". i struggled to work in the 120 degree heat, i struggled to not show as much affection to sokny, i struggled to stay focused on God, i struggled to make the effort to try to communicate and connect with the workers, I struggled with myself…to be better. Ack…this is all coming off like all I do is sit around and try to be better. I wish. I struggle just thinking about reading the bible and going to church and reaching out to folks. God has plans for me (good ones! – Jer29:11) and I struggle to give up control to god and to just let go. I have a tough time letting go and releasing stuff to god in general. I stress so much about any relationship that I’m in. I stress about trusting the woman that I’m with and just letting that go to god. It really is his. I need to trust god that he has and will always put me in a relationship that will help to build me up and mold me as he sees fit. Whether he wants me to go through some rough times, so I can be stronger later or wants me to chill and just be taken care of…I guess that’s just how it goes. Everything fits into the bigger picture. It’s bigger than me.
what I have found is that no matter how long you have been a Christian or how long you have been attempting to be more Christ-like (Phil 2:1-5?), there are always going to be things that you need to work on. Now, it might be sex, money, relationships in general, driving faster than the speed limit or illegal MP3’s…but once those larger, more obvious issues are worked through (and hopefully resolved), there are going to be more things to work on because, by nature, we are imperfect, prone to sinning and just plain being “not perfect”. (oh, and I’m betting that relationships are always going to be on that list, as the good relationships…the ones that last…take work…lots of it
Currently listening:
Conspiracy No. 5
By Third Day
Release date: 26 August, 1997
Friday, December 02, 2005
i'm not sure (ported from myspace)
so friday is finally here and it's late in the day...still at work. yeah...that...again. anyhow, budget season is kicking into high gear and it seems that everyone is content to not take ownership for their stuff. wow, i love being the underpaid one that has to try to keep everyone on the same page. more and more, i'm thinking that i should put myself on the short timer's list here. i mean, so many people get paid so much more for doing SOOOO much less. I don't see why i couldnt be in their shoes. and i'm not just saying that to be pissy...i really don't see a reason. I mean, if i'm going to deal with the stress and BS no matter what, i might as well get paid for it...or i could go find something that i actually like doing and pursue that? dunno, yo. i feel like the more i pursue God (and i'm not sure if it just feels like it is since i became a Christian or if now I have been told that Christians struggle more, especially new ones), the more i feel pressure to act instead of just dealing with the ever-nebulous "IT". work...woman...money...friggin solitaire... i just wonder why i'm here...i sure as heck know that i'm not here just to help make toilet paper that's cheaper and looks better than the competition, all the while finding ways to rip off the customer and give them less for more $$... then again, maybe i am supposed to be here and i just can't see all of the non-christians here in the right light...to set a fire under my sedentary b(_)++ and get me to start talking with them. i'm not sure if this role even plays to my strengths? or if i'm really supposed to play to my strengths or if i'm supposed to be making better use of my weaknesses (reference my favorite verse...2cor10:3-5)....oh, and have i mentioned that i have a ton of weaknesses? lol i don't see what God sees in me. i'm not sure what i see in me sometimes...being human sucks, i'll tell you what. oh well...i guess i shouldnt complain too much...i'm alive...healthy and i'm smart enough to know that i'm definitely broken...and that i know enough to know that i can't be the person that i want to be on my own...and i guess that's a start. i'm blessed with great friends...GREAT family... a job that pays pretty well (though more often than not, i wonder if that really is a blessing)...and my introspective intellect. THANK GOD for the BIBLE..y'know? anyone that doesn't know...send me a message with your address and i will send you one, so you, too can know how great it is. seriously...try me... :) (doin' my best to...) Love Y'all!!
Currently listening:
The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill
By Lauryn Hill
Release date: 25 August, 1998
Currently listening:
The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill
By Lauryn Hill
Release date: 25 August, 1998
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
strange parallels (ported from myspace)
It seems that my frustrations on "the futility of life" were echoed in the Bible...in Ecclesiastes Ch 1:
1:1 The words of the Teacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem:
Introduction: Utter Futility
2 “Futile! Futile!” laments the Teacher, “Absolutely futile! Everything is futile!”
Futility Illustrated from Nature
3 What benefit do people get from all the effort which they expend on earth? 4 A generation comes and a generation goes, but the earth remains the same through the ages. 5 The sun rises and the sun sets, it hurries away to a place from which it rises again. 6 The wind goes to the south and circles around to the north, round and round the wind goes and on its rounds it returns. 7 All the streams flow into the sea, but the sea is not full, and to the place where the streams flow, there they will flow again. 8 All this monotony is tiresome; no one can bear to describe it: The eye is never satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear ever content with hearing. 9 What exists now is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing truly new on earth. 10 Is there anything about which someone can say, “Look at this! It is new!”? It was already done long ago, before our time. 11 No one remembers the former events, nor will anyone remember the events that are yet to happen; they will not be remembered by the future generations.
Currently listening:
In Your Honor
By Foo Fighters
Release date: 14 June, 2005
1:1 The words of the Teacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem:
Introduction: Utter Futility
2 “Futile! Futile!” laments the Teacher, “Absolutely futile! Everything is futile!”
Futility Illustrated from Nature
3 What benefit do people get from all the effort which they expend on earth? 4 A generation comes and a generation goes, but the earth remains the same through the ages. 5 The sun rises and the sun sets, it hurries away to a place from which it rises again. 6 The wind goes to the south and circles around to the north, round and round the wind goes and on its rounds it returns. 7 All the streams flow into the sea, but the sea is not full, and to the place where the streams flow, there they will flow again. 8 All this monotony is tiresome; no one can bear to describe it: The eye is never satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear ever content with hearing. 9 What exists now is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing truly new on earth. 10 Is there anything about which someone can say, “Look at this! It is new!”? It was already done long ago, before our time. 11 No one remembers the former events, nor will anyone remember the events that are yet to happen; they will not be remembered by the future generations.
Currently listening:
In Your Honor
By Foo Fighters
Release date: 14 June, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
no time for a name (ported from myspace)
so yeah....another day here at wonderful P n' G. today's thursday...just another thursday, i guess. i have transitioned into my new role...i am officially the "Supply Module Industrial Engineer"...for whatever that's worth. I'm sure it will at least look good on a resume some day. as far as the actual work...i'm passing on everything that I know...everything that i'm familiar with...on to my predecessor and venturing into the unknown of higher level analysis. what a good time. anyways...it has been frustrating, with the slim amount of training that I chose to receive. it was almost a choice and almost not. the days before thailand when i was not available for training (as I had 8 days to get my replacement ready for a 2 week stint of holding down the fort alone), the woman that I was replacing wanted to train me...and of course, on the flip side, when I had 2hrs available for time to be trainined in, the woman that i was replacing decided to come sauntering in at 10..short-timer's disease...it was bordering on hilarity...but not so much. anyways...i'm here...i'm it...and at the end of 8hrs, i will go home again, hopefully just that much closer to another raise that will bring me that much closer to another, higher, more removed from the real business here, but also, that much closer to the retirement that everyone wants, that always seems to come too fast...that we are all just blowing through life trying to get to. it's kinda sick when you actually take the time to think about it. we are really like little mice trapped in a maze...but the carrot isnt just around the corner...no, not in this wonderful society of ours. we have this complex where, when we get what we were seeking...we are sated, but only for a short time. say you work 3 hours of overtime / wk (after tax, yielding about 40 bucks/week) to save up for this special cell phone that you wanted. then, say that after the requisite 8 weeks (allowing for some human error with the finances) of extra hours and less time being spent at home, the money is finally saved and the phone is purchased. then, the waiting begins and the inevitable frustration at the ever-elusive ebayer in the-middle-of-no-where, pennsylvania for not shipping the phone. so, after the 8 WEEKS of laboring, another 8 days are spent in utter frustration (at some random guy who's just trying to make a buck, so he can buy his kid the mp3 player that HE wants). the phone finally shows up..and the excitement begins...WEE!!...three days of excitement....not wanting to fall asleep, for fear of the phone mysteriously being gone in the morning, for no particular reason other than that the phone seems to good to be true...it is finally mine!! yay! having achieved that goal, we are once again in search of a goal worth pursuing...what part of the american dream am I missing that joe schmoe has? what am i lacking in my life that someone else has (materially speaking, of course)? and so goes life...one on top of the other...never to be satisfied. i am convinced that retirement will be much the same bag of tricks that society has programmed us with. now there has to be a point to a lengthy blathering such as this...(not that i always strive to make a point, but today, i'm feeling a little more quixotic that usual)...so...really...what are YOU here for? i really struggled with that for quite some time. i really didnt know that i was struggling with it at the time, but really...when you are in perpetual need of a vacation and are mentally, emotionally and underneath it all, spiritually exhausted at all times...maybe something is not quite right...eh? so anyways...i went on this road trip back in october 04...i had planned to drive up to canada with a good buddy of mine...(y'all know Mike, right?)...but it didnt work out (apparently, new babies and wives can have that affect on a guy)...so i decided to push on through and go on the trip all by my lonesome. it sounded like a crazy idea...felt like a crazy idea...but as i said, i was drained...tired of being drained and not knowing how to dig my way out. so anyways...i drove. and drove...and drove and drove...you get the point. i think i put about 4000 miles on my sorta new ford focus in those 7 days. it was ridiculous. i spend so much time being frustrated with myself...sleeping in the car because i missed the campsite closing time by a few hours...whatever...it was a great experience. we learn a lot about ourselves through struggles like that. so...after quite a few nights and days of struggles, i found myself in washington. northwestern washington, as a matter of fact. i was driving up the western side of the puget sound, back up and around towards olympic national park and on through to the pacific coastline. i had just had my first success of the trip, after having found an actual open campsite in canada. it was great! but anyhow...i was just recoving from a brutal session of struggling with myself and the realities of an unplanned roadtrip and i saw this little church. (aside: for those of you that arent as familar with me as you could be, i went to church from 0-18, under a strict family mandate (it really wasnt that bad...but i was a lil rebel). after that time, i skipped the routine and found my own way around town on sundays. i had only been to church of my own volition once since the great transition to adulthood.) this little church, for whatever reason, called out to me and i had this feeling like i should start attending church again. (for those of you that have read my earlier blogs, this is all probably just review). so yeah...since then, i have been going to church regularly and found my way to thailand on a missions trip that my family and friends supported me in a way that i could never even have dreamed. i found a wonderful girlfriend that also follows God and we are treading the path that God has cut out for us. i'm not even saying that everything is lilly's and roses and the like, but it has definitely been a long journey for me and it has been totally amazing seeing how God has been working in so many different people's lives to bring me to him. there are so many things that seem like they are just random events in life, but God is behind it all. God has his hand in all of our lives, he listens to all prayers and delivers fantastically on them. anyways...this has drawn on for quite some time and i don't think that i really put the seal on this chapter, but it was a good effort, for sure. until next time...later!
Currently listening:
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: 27 August, 2002
Currently listening:
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: 27 August, 2002
Friday, July 29, 2005
friday blah (ported from myspace)
so it's friday...at p and g and everything is pretty much bla today. I'm officially taking over in my new role here on monday and susan is retiring after today. so it's kind of a strange feeling going on today. mostly because or normal drama with the woman. i want to stay for the retirement party at work for susan, as I have worked closely with her for the past 3.5yrs...and i think she would feel a little bit hurt that i didnt go to her party just because i wanted to get off early on a friday and go hang out in LA. i don't understand this. it's not like i'm super excited about staying for the retirement party, but i think it would suck if i were retiring and the person in the plant that i worked the closest with was not there (for some small reason) for my work retirement party. granted, there is a big party at her house tomorrow, where we really will see her off and we will have a good time doing it...but that does not release me of my desire to stay for the official work thing today. ack! more personal feelings that should probably never see the light of day...but anyone who reads this should know that this blog is totally bare...it's just what's going on with me now. yet more brain pollution to clutter my already over-emo'd brain. what a mess. emotions...hormones...sex...all just BS that clutters up what could be a drama-free life. i love it how we are set up with human bodies that push us to do so many things that are diametrically opposed to what the bible says that we should do. "put no one in front of god...to do so is basically idolatry"...yet everything in my body (my POS, weak, frail, hormonally, emotionally challenged body) makes me feel the best when i am around a woman that i am giving everything to (even if i am not getting what i need in return)...ack! sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks...and more. and i should be journalling about thailand...but it feels like life (the life that i willingly participate in...the people that i CHOOSE to spend my time with)...just keeps piling it on me. i never get a chance to dig deep enough within myself because i keep letting life throw more dirt onto my already over loaded pile of mental crap. hmm...whatever....today is payday...tomorrow, i'm finally getting rid of my fridge and moving the rest of my stuff out of lloyd's place...so that's totally good and sunday, i should be getting some money back for the shots that we got from thailand...and it's the weekend...so life is still doing ok...and i'm sure that once i get over the little hump that is the next few hours and find a ride home, i will be fine...but dang! i have no opinion...i'm just here to serve (if only i could do that for real...for everyone...and keep on spreadin the love...i guess it's something to aspire to, right)
Sunday, July 10, 2005
umm...hot? (ported from myspace)
oh my.
after working through thursday, we had a day off to relax and headed off to the beach. we took a small boat (scary lil wooden boat with a full sized v6 strapped on the back with a driveline coming out the back, with an attached propeller) to a small island between the island that we are on and Phuket...called koh kai. it was a tiny island with some nice sand and some decent snorkelling. there were actual coral reefs here with some fun fish. i saw a flute fish and a few puffer fish. i went snorkelling with paula from the thai LA team and one of the construction guys that we have been working with (his name is dua). he took us around about half of the island, with a stop midway, where he informed us that we might see sharks on the second half of the journey. it was a good time, but we did not see any sharks. the water was extra salty and warm, with an extra hot sun to encourage those who were seeking sun to head to the water.
needless to say, i received quite a sunburn, even with the four or so layers of sunscreen that i applied during our short stint on the island (from 9-130). today is our second day of work since the play day and it has been increasingly hotter as the days go by. the hottest day before the play day (based on my timex watch thermometer) was 114. i'm not sure if that takes the humidity into account or not, but yesterday, we hit 118 and today, the watch gave me a series of --- where the numbers normally would be. i'm guessing that means that the watch maxxed out, seeing as how that is often considered to be the borderline between normal hot weather and extremely hot weather. anyhow, later on, the temperature cooled down and came back as 120 on my watch. i think that i have mostly acclimatized and i think the only residual affects are that i get tired easily, am constantly sweating and constantly in need of water and breaks.
so...on an internal level, life has been a little crazy. i think that i was not sure what to expect as far as what the mission entailed from the get go and that really left me confused. i must explain...the basis of our mission here in koh yao is that we are building an orphanage/school/community center (different rooms for different aspects and the school part doubles as a community center at night). so that is the physical justification as for why we are here. we are working under the umbrella of the sustainable development research foundation with a part of our church outreach group called xealot (this project is a partnership between the SDRF and xealot). the sdrf is a non christian organization that just happens to employ almost all christians (if it were founded as a christian organization, they would not have access to as many of the different areas in thailand, as they are primarily buddhist or muslim). the SDRF works to improve the economic structure of areas that are in need (such as southern thailand after the tsunami) and uses that arm of outreach to show the people God's love and also their love for eachother as they serve the various communities. xealot is the christian outreach arm of our church, in which, we currently have 8 people who are in thailand for long term missions projects (2yr stints). so.........having thrown down that haphazard background, we are here to build a building to help the economic situation of this area. we are not here to prostheletize (sp?) to the people, but to serve them and to build relationships with the community under the umbrella that our long term folks can build on as they interact with the people in the area more and more. so...it took me a few days to prioritize my time here and really figure out what i was supposed to do. day 1, i was all about getting as much done that would get the building up as fast and efficiently as possible. that soon proved to be futile, as the thai workers are paid on a daily basis, so they are really in no hurry to get the job done (i would not expect anything else). so anyhow...i have finally settled my differences with my work ethics and my spirituality and found a level ground that sits between the physical work and actually building the relationships.
...more to come...
ky
after working through thursday, we had a day off to relax and headed off to the beach. we took a small boat (scary lil wooden boat with a full sized v6 strapped on the back with a driveline coming out the back, with an attached propeller) to a small island between the island that we are on and Phuket...called koh kai. it was a tiny island with some nice sand and some decent snorkelling. there were actual coral reefs here with some fun fish. i saw a flute fish and a few puffer fish. i went snorkelling with paula from the thai LA team and one of the construction guys that we have been working with (his name is dua). he took us around about half of the island, with a stop midway, where he informed us that we might see sharks on the second half of the journey. it was a good time, but we did not see any sharks. the water was extra salty and warm, with an extra hot sun to encourage those who were seeking sun to head to the water.
needless to say, i received quite a sunburn, even with the four or so layers of sunscreen that i applied during our short stint on the island (from 9-130). today is our second day of work since the play day and it has been increasingly hotter as the days go by. the hottest day before the play day (based on my timex watch thermometer) was 114. i'm not sure if that takes the humidity into account or not, but yesterday, we hit 118 and today, the watch gave me a series of --- where the numbers normally would be. i'm guessing that means that the watch maxxed out, seeing as how that is often considered to be the borderline between normal hot weather and extremely hot weather. anyhow, later on, the temperature cooled down and came back as 120 on my watch. i think that i have mostly acclimatized and i think the only residual affects are that i get tired easily, am constantly sweating and constantly in need of water and breaks.
so...on an internal level, life has been a little crazy. i think that i was not sure what to expect as far as what the mission entailed from the get go and that really left me confused. i must explain...the basis of our mission here in koh yao is that we are building an orphanage/school/community center (different rooms for different aspects and the school part doubles as a community center at night). so that is the physical justification as for why we are here. we are working under the umbrella of the sustainable development research foundation with a part of our church outreach group called xealot (this project is a partnership between the SDRF and xealot). the sdrf is a non christian organization that just happens to employ almost all christians (if it were founded as a christian organization, they would not have access to as many of the different areas in thailand, as they are primarily buddhist or muslim). the SDRF works to improve the economic structure of areas that are in need (such as southern thailand after the tsunami) and uses that arm of outreach to show the people God's love and also their love for eachother as they serve the various communities. xealot is the christian outreach arm of our church, in which, we currently have 8 people who are in thailand for long term missions projects (2yr stints). so.........having thrown down that haphazard background, we are here to build a building to help the economic situation of this area. we are not here to prostheletize (sp?) to the people, but to serve them and to build relationships with the community under the umbrella that our long term folks can build on as they interact with the people in the area more and more. so...it took me a few days to prioritize my time here and really figure out what i was supposed to do. day 1, i was all about getting as much done that would get the building up as fast and efficiently as possible. that soon proved to be futile, as the thai workers are paid on a daily basis, so they are really in no hurry to get the job done (i would not expect anything else). so anyhow...i have finally settled my differences with my work ethics and my spirituality and found a level ground that sits between the physical work and actually building the relationships.
...more to come...
ky
Thursday, July 07, 2005
thursday (ported from myspace)
so it's thursday in thailand...we actually started workin on tuesday, when we arrived here on koh yao around 2pm. that makes today the official 3rd working day. it is finally hot today...i guess the previous 2 days weren't that bad...but today...yeah...its dang hot. some perspective on that: i'm not sure how my timex watch measures temperature, but i left it out in the sun for thirty minutes or so to take my body heat out of the picture...and it was reading 114 degrees! woo hoo! yeah. so we are still working away...with my mindset having shifted from actually getting work done to trying to connect with the workers that we are helping...oops !!! time to go!!
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
thailand away! (ported from myspace)
so i'm in thailand...and the rain is coming down! we are supposed to be well into our first work day, but when we came back from lunch, the rain started coming down...so we are just kickin it in the "mayor's" office. I'm not really sure how the actual mission is going, it feels like we are not making too much progress, but the people that we are working with are having fun.
the food has been good for the most part, but there is a lot of fish that is not really meeting my needs. I did have some squid that was pretty good, considering that I have not had squid in the past. we are having fish pretty much every meal in one form or another and the cook and proprietor of the bungalows that we are staying in (havalea?) seems to understand that we can handle a little bit of spicy food at each meal. sokny, josh and a few others dont enjoy spicy food, so his dishes aren't always accepted around the table, but for the most part, people seem to be doing well.
the work is going well. we are doing a lot of manual, physically intensive construction type work that is wearing out my body. i am thankful that God has blessed me with such a strong physical build, but i think the heat (though from what the other team said, we have it easy) is starting to wear on me. I have been cranking away on the physical side of things and my forearms started cramping up today when working with the hoe. we are moving dirt back and forth with all of the effort being expended in similar efforts.
the flight was pretty difficult and on the 10.5hr flight over to japan, i only slept about 30mins, with most of the flight time in pursuit thereof. i am really enjoying the thailand aspect of the situation. since arriving, we spent the first night in bankok at a christian hostel. i think it was about 33 bucks a night and it was darn near in downtown. after arriving, we were, to say the least, totally confused as to what time it was. thai time was about 2am, but i think we were still on cali time, where it was about midday. the rest of the team was fairly tired and decided to retire to their room, but sok and I were running on adrenaline and took some time to tour the outdoor market. there were a variety of street food vendors as well as the standard knock off markets for shoes, wallets and a variety of other upper class items.
the next morning, we took a walk in the city to the xealot thailand offices (newsong's long term team in thailand - 2yr stay) where we talked about the mission and took some time to dig into thai culture a bit. from there, we took a bus to another airport and flew down to the Phuket area of thailand (south western area). we took another van/bus to our hotel, where we briefly scoped out the area. i was able to go for a short solo run on the beach and it was a little freaky seeing the ocean, knowing that it was just a few months ago that a killer tsunami ravaged the area. it was apparent that the touristy attractions were not all open, whether it was because it is rainy season or because of the tsunami, i do not know. it looked like there were a few dozen mini restaurant type establishments, of which only three were open. the area did look barren and i have heard from a few of the missions folks from last week that a few of the guys that we will be working with lost their wives in the tsunami. they said that they were able to save their children, but they could not save their whole family.
from phuket (in which we stayed in a nice hotel, one of few that are still open after the tsunami - apparently everything is super cheap due to the aforementioned reasons) we drove a short distance to a boat dock, from which we took a boat (yesterday morning) to the island of koh yow (spelled a number of different ways out here). the island is nice, the typical tropical island with a sandy beach (which i have heard is littered with trash from the ever changing currents), palm trees, a boat dock and rain foresty type vegetation. it reminds me very much of costa rica. we are staying in some house style bungalows, where there are plenty of openings for a wide variety of critters to enter. we had a large size grasshopper in the shower room this morning as well as a giant moth in the bedroom last night. i have only suffered two mosquito bites, both of which are my own fault for sleeping without the mosquito net over the bed. it was filled with it's own supply of bugs, so i decided not to drape it over the bed (i am sharing a bed with steve, one of our team leaders). the large bungalows (sleep 4) are 15 bucks per night and the smaller bungalows are 5 bucks per night. the showers are interesting and range from a bucket and a regular faucet to a hose that you use to wet yourself to the girls bungalow, where i have heard that they have a bona fide shower head. it is not too bad...but i have not slept well and that begins to wear on the body after awhile.
anyhow...the rain has stopped and i feel that if i type any more, i will be burning up valuable work hours here on the computer. what a suprise that we are working in a facility that has what i have heard are the only two computers with internet on the island (pop 6,0000). until next time...adieu!
the food has been good for the most part, but there is a lot of fish that is not really meeting my needs. I did have some squid that was pretty good, considering that I have not had squid in the past. we are having fish pretty much every meal in one form or another and the cook and proprietor of the bungalows that we are staying in (havalea?) seems to understand that we can handle a little bit of spicy food at each meal. sokny, josh and a few others dont enjoy spicy food, so his dishes aren't always accepted around the table, but for the most part, people seem to be doing well.
the work is going well. we are doing a lot of manual, physically intensive construction type work that is wearing out my body. i am thankful that God has blessed me with such a strong physical build, but i think the heat (though from what the other team said, we have it easy) is starting to wear on me. I have been cranking away on the physical side of things and my forearms started cramping up today when working with the hoe. we are moving dirt back and forth with all of the effort being expended in similar efforts.
the flight was pretty difficult and on the 10.5hr flight over to japan, i only slept about 30mins, with most of the flight time in pursuit thereof. i am really enjoying the thailand aspect of the situation. since arriving, we spent the first night in bankok at a christian hostel. i think it was about 33 bucks a night and it was darn near in downtown. after arriving, we were, to say the least, totally confused as to what time it was. thai time was about 2am, but i think we were still on cali time, where it was about midday. the rest of the team was fairly tired and decided to retire to their room, but sok and I were running on adrenaline and took some time to tour the outdoor market. there were a variety of street food vendors as well as the standard knock off markets for shoes, wallets and a variety of other upper class items.
the next morning, we took a walk in the city to the xealot thailand offices (newsong's long term team in thailand - 2yr stay) where we talked about the mission and took some time to dig into thai culture a bit. from there, we took a bus to another airport and flew down to the Phuket area of thailand (south western area). we took another van/bus to our hotel, where we briefly scoped out the area. i was able to go for a short solo run on the beach and it was a little freaky seeing the ocean, knowing that it was just a few months ago that a killer tsunami ravaged the area. it was apparent that the touristy attractions were not all open, whether it was because it is rainy season or because of the tsunami, i do not know. it looked like there were a few dozen mini restaurant type establishments, of which only three were open. the area did look barren and i have heard from a few of the missions folks from last week that a few of the guys that we will be working with lost their wives in the tsunami. they said that they were able to save their children, but they could not save their whole family.
from phuket (in which we stayed in a nice hotel, one of few that are still open after the tsunami - apparently everything is super cheap due to the aforementioned reasons) we drove a short distance to a boat dock, from which we took a boat (yesterday morning) to the island of koh yow (spelled a number of different ways out here). the island is nice, the typical tropical island with a sandy beach (which i have heard is littered with trash from the ever changing currents), palm trees, a boat dock and rain foresty type vegetation. it reminds me very much of costa rica. we are staying in some house style bungalows, where there are plenty of openings for a wide variety of critters to enter. we had a large size grasshopper in the shower room this morning as well as a giant moth in the bedroom last night. i have only suffered two mosquito bites, both of which are my own fault for sleeping without the mosquito net over the bed. it was filled with it's own supply of bugs, so i decided not to drape it over the bed (i am sharing a bed with steve, one of our team leaders). the large bungalows (sleep 4) are 15 bucks per night and the smaller bungalows are 5 bucks per night. the showers are interesting and range from a bucket and a regular faucet to a hose that you use to wet yourself to the girls bungalow, where i have heard that they have a bona fide shower head. it is not too bad...but i have not slept well and that begins to wear on the body after awhile.
anyhow...the rain has stopped and i feel that if i type any more, i will be burning up valuable work hours here on the computer. what a suprise that we are working in a facility that has what i have heard are the only two computers with internet on the island (pop 6,0000). until next time...adieu!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
thailand is upon us (ported from myspace)
So...it's thursday. to some, it's just another thursday, but not me, nope. i feel like it's the last day of school...all of the normal work drama that would probably pull me down, from where i would look to my coffee cup to pull me up...just bounces off of me. I'm all smiles. umm...at the same time, i have this nervous apprehension about the trip (i will post my missions letter after finishing this blog)...it's not so much the work or the physical structure of the trip itself...i'm not too worried about that, but it's more of the spiritual aspect of the journey. we are going to thailand to build a nursery/orphanage for the vicitims of the december tsunami. that's cool and all...but we are really going to reach out to the villagers on the little island that we will be working on. we are going there as missionaries, granted, we are not going to be doing any outright, in your face evangelism, but we will be open to sharing to those who question us about it. breakthrough work like this is what changes lives...and, on a larger scale, changes the world. i'm not saying that i am expecting to see huge changes in the villagers on Koh Yao (the island), but I am fully expecting to see God working in us, as a team and in the villagers (not sure to what extent).
so yeah.
I'm not supre excited about my current employment situation...i work at procter and gamble, and that's cool n' all...but i'm not set on the fact that this is for me...that i SHOULD be here in 25yrs to retire and that this is the work that God has chosen for me to do for my time on this funky blue and green planet. i'm not too sure about much in life at this point...except for that which I have already locked in (umm...i guess that doesnt even cover lunch today...hambuger habit, anyone?) and on top of that, i have a few things that i think would be really great to do in my life...marry...have some kids (2!)...own a house...(not so sure about that...it's probably just residual "american dream mentality" that i have been programed with since birth)...i guess travelling is something that i really enjoy, seeing new places and whatnot...but on top of that...i just like kickin it with people that are interested in the same stuff that I am...and sharing god's love with them and trying to be as christlike as possible (ie...be a better person than i am and striving for improvements towards that end until the day i die).
phew...as always...i'm not sure that i really said anything in this blog...but i did put some words down on paper...er...on the screen...um...well...there are some new 1's and 0's stored on some server somewhere...yeah...so i'm done.
k
Currently listening:
Morning View
By Incubus
Release date: 23 October, 2001
so yeah.
I'm not supre excited about my current employment situation...i work at procter and gamble, and that's cool n' all...but i'm not set on the fact that this is for me...that i SHOULD be here in 25yrs to retire and that this is the work that God has chosen for me to do for my time on this funky blue and green planet. i'm not too sure about much in life at this point...except for that which I have already locked in (umm...i guess that doesnt even cover lunch today...hambuger habit, anyone?) and on top of that, i have a few things that i think would be really great to do in my life...marry...have some kids (2!)...own a house...(not so sure about that...it's probably just residual "american dream mentality" that i have been programed with since birth)...i guess travelling is something that i really enjoy, seeing new places and whatnot...but on top of that...i just like kickin it with people that are interested in the same stuff that I am...and sharing god's love with them and trying to be as christlike as possible (ie...be a better person than i am and striving for improvements towards that end until the day i die).
phew...as always...i'm not sure that i really said anything in this blog...but i did put some words down on paper...er...on the screen...um...well...there are some new 1's and 0's stored on some server somewhere...yeah...so i'm done.
k
Currently listening:
Morning View
By Incubus
Release date: 23 October, 2001
Thursday, January 27, 2005
general confusion (ported from myspace)
Now...I know I'm a smart guy. What the hell. I guess this ties with what I wrote in my last blog...Again I am not hanging out with my woman. Last night, I hung out with my buddy mike with the talk that I would hang with the lady afterwards. I called her as soon as I was done hangin with mike and...no answer. Hmm...so...after a frustrated night of unanswered phone calls...I finally fell asleep. I found out in the morning that she had left her cell phone in the car and that she had also gone to bed early in order to get enough sleep to awake at 4:15 and go in to work early. ok...fine and good. one night...no big deal. So I'm all excited about hanging out tonight (one day is a long time for us to NOT hang out)...and i remember that tonight is family night...at my house. So I call her up and let her know what the new plans are...and I find that she doesnt want to hang out...she's tired and family night usually runs late and all...no suprise. Here's what I trip on...I always get upset about stuff like this. I mean...I understand that I want to hang out with her...and whatever. I know I'm in a hungry mood (kyle = impatient prick when hungry/tired/in traffic)...but dang...why am I such a punk. I hate when I'm in those kinda moods. especially when I have to apologize afterwards. Its like I'm not myself for a time. I really dislike that about myself (is it ok to not like a part of me?...i suppose it's ok as long as I work to change that part, yeah?). i wonder what the heck gets me all riled up so quickly. Hmm...my internal phsychologist program is not able to analyze myself today...any takers? Hit me up with the most in your face comments...I need help! haha...not that I'm about to self destruct or anything...I'm just a little pissed off at myself. oh well...TIA.
Currently listening:
Funeral
By Arcade Fire
Release date: 14 September, 2004
Currently listening:
Funeral
By Arcade Fire
Release date: 14 September, 2004
Saturday, January 22, 2005
the space between (ported from myspace)
Between any two people...no matter what...there needs to be space. Anyone that knows me knows that when I am in a relationship...that person is top dawg in my life. (i'm still the man, so I always have the final say...haha...yeah right) Seriously, though...i always throw myself into whichever relationship that I am in...100%. Not that I have the busiest life or anything (when not in a relationship), ...far from it, actually....but I tend to drop whatever it is that I am doing and charge on into the new greatness. It's kinda funny how content I can be spending time with myself when I'm not in a relationship and then how, when I am alone...um....
My brain is mush....i am digging through a swamp to find my words....I think I am being overpowered by hunger at the moment.
Basically...i dont have too much free time when I'm in a relationship. I think that heading into relationships like that takes its toll on a person (ME). I saw something in one of those lame chain emails that has the same 15 quotes as all of the other emails that run the globe and the originator's bonus five that all but make the email worthless.... (BTW...I never forward those...so please...yeah...dont send them unless you just want ME to read them ;) )...so...in that email, it was saying something like "love as though you have never been hurt before...and you will live a full life". I really think that's the attitude that I have when I charge into a new relationship. and I am convinced that it is a good thing. I think it's a bunch of poo to head into something that could be the best thing in the world for two people with anything less than all that you have to offer. I'm not saying that I'm a huge huggy buggy love machine on the first date...but when I know that I have found someone worth keeping...I'm going to hold onto that person and pour myself into the relationship. This time...that attitude was matched by the other person (not that that hasn't happened before...) which leads to spending endless hours together. The natural effects of all of this face time with a new person in one's life should be obvious....the family and friends at first see how happy you are and encourage you onward...then they tell you to slow down ( as everthing tends to move at an increased pace, given the extra hours per week spent together )...that you are heading into it way too fast...don't get in over your head....(which I am fine with...because I feel that most people don't charge into relationships with all that they have and, as a result, freak out when they see it happening with someone they are close to -> the more you put in, the more you risk BUT! the more you can also enjoy if the "gamble" pays off....hence....love like you have never been hurt...because everyone gets hurt at one time or another) After all of that fairly low-level predictable conversation comes the family and friends getting the feeling that they are now not getting enough of the person (this applies to both people in the relationship) that they are so used to having plenty of free time to spend with them. I have seen many different degrees of this intervention in my years...all of which SEEM to add to the stress of the relationship. I know that they do add stress...but I think that the timining is normally such, with this intervention, that it is healthy for a little more time apart (distance makes the heart grow fonder, no?). THIS time is different for me, in that I had a realization (today, actually...on the way home from my parents house....driving by the mall :P) that when two people spend every moment of the day together (minus work and other mundane tasks) that there tends to be a buildup of animosity between the two. I can say this...I love my woman. (in case you didnt know...let this be the official press release!)...and, having said that...I need to expound on my hypothesis. I think that if you hang out too much...neither of the people in the relationship are able to get all of the things done that need to be done. Laundry, Car cleaning, room cleaning, friend time, Xbox hacking...whatever it is that you were doing before, that you enjoyed doing (or just plain had to do) doest not get done. because of that...you start to build a to do list. everyone has them, but not everyone has a reason (even if you don't realize it) that you are not getting the stuff done in the first place. if I don't get to do all of my laundry this week...i might be ok. if i don't get to do laundry next week...i might start to run low on socks...and that will wear on me little by little...a stressor adding to the pile of minor stressors in one's life that keep us as tightly wound as we all are. Anyhow...as usual....I'm spent and I'm not sure that I really said anything worth saying...but I said it, nonetheless. I feel like getting some food...hmmm....Del Taco anyone? Call me soon and I might head out to eat with ya....haha yeah right....i will probably just pass out right now and forget about it until I wake up with my stomach trying to digest itself. ;)
Currently listening:
Emotive
By A Perfect Circle
Release date: 02 November, 2004
My brain is mush....i am digging through a swamp to find my words....I think I am being overpowered by hunger at the moment.
Basically...i dont have too much free time when I'm in a relationship. I think that heading into relationships like that takes its toll on a person (ME). I saw something in one of those lame chain emails that has the same 15 quotes as all of the other emails that run the globe and the originator's bonus five that all but make the email worthless.... (BTW...I never forward those...so please...yeah...dont send them unless you just want ME to read them ;) )...so...in that email, it was saying something like "love as though you have never been hurt before...and you will live a full life". I really think that's the attitude that I have when I charge into a new relationship. and I am convinced that it is a good thing. I think it's a bunch of poo to head into something that could be the best thing in the world for two people with anything less than all that you have to offer. I'm not saying that I'm a huge huggy buggy love machine on the first date...but when I know that I have found someone worth keeping...I'm going to hold onto that person and pour myself into the relationship. This time...that attitude was matched by the other person (not that that hasn't happened before...) which leads to spending endless hours together. The natural effects of all of this face time with a new person in one's life should be obvious....the family and friends at first see how happy you are and encourage you onward...then they tell you to slow down ( as everthing tends to move at an increased pace, given the extra hours per week spent together )...that you are heading into it way too fast...don't get in over your head....(which I am fine with...because I feel that most people don't charge into relationships with all that they have and, as a result, freak out when they see it happening with someone they are close to -> the more you put in, the more you risk BUT! the more you can also enjoy if the "gamble" pays off....hence....love like you have never been hurt...because everyone gets hurt at one time or another) After all of that fairly low-level predictable conversation comes the family and friends getting the feeling that they are now not getting enough of the person (this applies to both people in the relationship) that they are so used to having plenty of free time to spend with them. I have seen many different degrees of this intervention in my years...all of which SEEM to add to the stress of the relationship. I know that they do add stress...but I think that the timining is normally such, with this intervention, that it is healthy for a little more time apart (distance makes the heart grow fonder, no?). THIS time is different for me, in that I had a realization (today, actually...on the way home from my parents house....driving by the mall :P) that when two people spend every moment of the day together (minus work and other mundane tasks) that there tends to be a buildup of animosity between the two. I can say this...I love my woman. (in case you didnt know...let this be the official press release!)...and, having said that...I need to expound on my hypothesis. I think that if you hang out too much...neither of the people in the relationship are able to get all of the things done that need to be done. Laundry, Car cleaning, room cleaning, friend time, Xbox hacking...whatever it is that you were doing before, that you enjoyed doing (or just plain had to do) doest not get done. because of that...you start to build a to do list. everyone has them, but not everyone has a reason (even if you don't realize it) that you are not getting the stuff done in the first place. if I don't get to do all of my laundry this week...i might be ok. if i don't get to do laundry next week...i might start to run low on socks...and that will wear on me little by little...a stressor adding to the pile of minor stressors in one's life that keep us as tightly wound as we all are. Anyhow...as usual....I'm spent and I'm not sure that I really said anything worth saying...but I said it, nonetheless. I feel like getting some food...hmmm....Del Taco anyone? Call me soon and I might head out to eat with ya....haha yeah right....i will probably just pass out right now and forget about it until I wake up with my stomach trying to digest itself. ;)
Currently listening:
Emotive
By A Perfect Circle
Release date: 02 November, 2004
Thursday, December 16, 2004
disclaimer (ported from myspace)
Blogs for me...
start with an idea, a feeling. They go and grow from there into what, i do not know. I open my mind and let it flow, straight from the incipient stage idea all the way the the ending "." I do not edit my thoughts, just let them straight out through my fingertips. As a result of this stream of conciousness flow of words...y'all get to see some thought processes.
Maybe it was something I have been thinking about for a few months, maybe it was just the fact that I didnt like how the guy in front of me at the grocery store smelled...but something got me thinking and I just let 'er rip from there. critique...umm...feel free...I'm not into negativity...I might post your comments...or I might just delete them, seeing as how we really do have enough negative people in the world already and I see no point in spreading bad vibes on MY page. HA! yeah...that's about it for now.
Currently listening:
Room on Fire
By The Strokes
Release date: 28 October, 2003
start with an idea, a feeling. They go and grow from there into what, i do not know. I open my mind and let it flow, straight from the incipient stage idea all the way the the ending "." I do not edit my thoughts, just let them straight out through my fingertips. As a result of this stream of conciousness flow of words...y'all get to see some thought processes.
Maybe it was something I have been thinking about for a few months, maybe it was just the fact that I didnt like how the guy in front of me at the grocery store smelled...but something got me thinking and I just let 'er rip from there. critique...umm...feel free...I'm not into negativity...I might post your comments...or I might just delete them, seeing as how we really do have enough negative people in the world already and I see no point in spreading bad vibes on MY page. HA! yeah...that's about it for now.
Currently listening:
Room on Fire
By The Strokes
Release date: 28 October, 2003
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
ummmmmmm
i'm not even sure where any of this is going. why do things go up and down so much? why do the downs suck so bad when the goods that were so great twenty minutes ago are no longer in the audience? the good is still here...not to say that. it's just that there are so many times where the bad just takes over the situation and puts a hole in the boat as only bad can do. i suppose there will always be holes to fill and sweaters to mend, but why? it seems that my boxers are always torn or that I never have enough pairs of pants...but there are always tons of shirts to be had. life patterns itself off of my closet. no matter what's going on in life, there always seems to be something that needs attention. No, not like the hey, how ya doin kind of attention...like the gawd life sux...be a friend kind o' attention. why is that? why can't life just take a break from being so up tight and relax and be enjoyed? I suppose that would be too easy. like retirement. if you dont do anything with your life after finishing the life long working man's struggle...your body just falls off into the fog, as in a piers anthony never ending saga. however, if you stay active and do stuff...(studies show that retirees that gamble on a regular basis live longer than those that don't - more than likely being attributed to the fact that they are out doing something instead of just sitting home knitting)...you will live a longer retired life. sounds good to me...but why do we need challenge? I dont want challenge. well...I dunno about that. I really do like a challenge at times, but there are those situations where challenges just suck. I dont want to have to work to be with someone.
Now, I understand that all relationships take work and that part of the deal is fine. I guess I just have issues with drama. lol ...as if that's not just one big contradition of terms. i crack me up. anyways...dinner was great...blockbuster was fun, too...then the talk began. Not that talk is anything special in unto itself...talk is everwhere...all the time. ya gotta have the talk. but this talk was different. talk that refers to the past. talk that pulls one back to a time where single was the state and the mentality that goes with that is...well...single. you've all been there...in fact, quite a few of you are there now. and that's not a bad thing. single is a great time to discover who you really are and enjoy yourself and your life. I learned a TON about myself in my last stint of single. i wasn't necessarily looking to ditch single when I did, but I sure am glad that i have moved into not single with the woman that i'm with. pause tangent...back to our main story of the night... so yeah...when you're single, you are pretty much free to do whatever you want, whenever you want. That's fine and good, i suppose. Everyone does something different, as single is different for everyone. duh. so...why do the habits of single have anything to do with the habits of not single. for instance....if I liked to party a lot and dance with other women and...god forbid...kiss another woman on the dance floor...that would be fine. maybe not one of my better moments, but not something to bring trouble upon me. I would be fine with that happening. I have been there...and that's that. But now...I'm a not single kyle. i love being a not single kyle with this woman. i am not stuggling with that in the least. but...here's the rub...i'm not sure it's a rub...but here's the deal anyhow... if I were to look something someone did as a single person and look down on them for doing what they are doing...(say kissing someone that you just met or whatever...defin itely not the best of things to do, but definitely not the worst, either)...I suppose that could be a bad thing. umm...that didnt make sense. ok. i'm not a fan of flirtatious women that flirt just to flirt. i think that emotions are something that are not to be toyed with and that excessive flirting can be just a tool that is used to get attention, material goods, whatever. when it is used as such, it can be harmful. it can be a bad thing. if someone were to flirt a lot while single...but not while in a relationship...that isnt necessarily a bad thing. single is one thing....not single is entirely different. flirting while being single is ok...not a bad thing, though it can be if abused or turned into sport. flirting while in a relationship is not a good thing. I'm not saying that it doesnt happen or that it is always bad, but there are definitely tighter guidelines for that, than the single flirt. umm. it's late for me tonight....though it is not yet tomorrow...hm oh well.
modified mood...stoked about being not single...loaded on too much late caffeine...pacified by chronic lack of sleep...loving the pseudo intoxication that sleep deprivation provides... WOW...I haven't drank alcohol since...umm...I think since the PSP event. Not that I didnt have enough there for the month, but WOW. I sure am strange. maybe I will post some snowboarding pics now... :P
Currently listening:
Musicforthemorningafter (with Bonus CD)
By Pete Yorn
Release date: 23 April, 2002
Now, I understand that all relationships take work and that part of the deal is fine. I guess I just have issues with drama. lol ...as if that's not just one big contradition of terms. i crack me up. anyways...dinner was great...blockbuster was fun, too...then the talk began. Not that talk is anything special in unto itself...talk is everwhere...all the time. ya gotta have the talk. but this talk was different. talk that refers to the past. talk that pulls one back to a time where single was the state and the mentality that goes with that is...well...single. you've all been there...in fact, quite a few of you are there now. and that's not a bad thing. single is a great time to discover who you really are and enjoy yourself and your life. I learned a TON about myself in my last stint of single. i wasn't necessarily looking to ditch single when I did, but I sure am glad that i have moved into not single with the woman that i'm with. pause tangent...back to our main story of the night... so yeah...when you're single, you are pretty much free to do whatever you want, whenever you want. That's fine and good, i suppose. Everyone does something different, as single is different for everyone. duh. so...why do the habits of single have anything to do with the habits of not single. for instance....if I liked to party a lot and dance with other women and...god forbid...kiss another woman on the dance floor...that would be fine. maybe not one of my better moments, but not something to bring trouble upon me. I would be fine with that happening. I have been there...and that's that. But now...I'm a not single kyle. i love being a not single kyle with this woman. i am not stuggling with that in the least. but...here's the rub...i'm not sure it's a rub...but here's the deal anyhow... if I were to look something someone did as a single person and look down on them for doing what they are doing...(say kissing someone that you just met or whatever...defin itely not the best of things to do, but definitely not the worst, either)...I suppose that could be a bad thing. umm...that didnt make sense. ok. i'm not a fan of flirtatious women that flirt just to flirt. i think that emotions are something that are not to be toyed with and that excessive flirting can be just a tool that is used to get attention, material goods, whatever. when it is used as such, it can be harmful. it can be a bad thing. if someone were to flirt a lot while single...but not while in a relationship...that isnt necessarily a bad thing. single is one thing....not single is entirely different. flirting while being single is ok...not a bad thing, though it can be if abused or turned into sport. flirting while in a relationship is not a good thing. I'm not saying that it doesnt happen or that it is always bad, but there are definitely tighter guidelines for that, than the single flirt. umm. it's late for me tonight....though it is not yet tomorrow...hm oh well.
modified mood...stoked about being not single...loaded on too much late caffeine...pacified by chronic lack of sleep...loving the pseudo intoxication that sleep deprivation provides... WOW...I haven't drank alcohol since...umm...I think since the PSP event. Not that I didnt have enough there for the month, but WOW. I sure am strange. maybe I will post some snowboarding pics now... :P
Currently listening:
Musicforthemorningafter (with Bonus CD)
By Pete Yorn
Release date: 23 April, 2002
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
walla walla (ported from myspace)
interesting as life can be…unhappy as people get…elated as the opposite makes…interested as can be…scared in love…destroyed by the words never spoken…the look that killed…the hand that froze…the touch that healed…the hug that told a story…times past…here now…free speak speech…total communication…blabbering idiot…story told backwards…misinterpretation is the key…ban censorship…explain the mush…focus on the emotion of the moment…capture the feelings…work it out…physically emotive…trembling stomach…scared in love…in love?...in love
Currently listening:
Where You Want To Be
By Taking Back Sunday
Release date: 27 July, 2004
Currently listening:
Where You Want To Be
By Taking Back Sunday
Release date: 27 July, 2004
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