rica...so it's the last day of training here. i'm really not completely sure what was accomplished. i suppose that i did learn a lot about changes in the system...it's just so interesting how the company justifies having people travel to train. i think it's more than just the training. what is strange is that the company (feel like i need to insert a legalistic definition of "the company" here) doesnt seem to invest in technicians...insomuch as spending time and money to ensure that folks build strong relationships which encourages folks to work together and be more productive...reapplication and whatnot. so it's strange to me. i feel like the cost training that i just attended is an anomoly. possibly an anomoly that should be built upon...but what inevitably happens with that (and is already happening with this company wide cost training) is that folks just start hopping on board "for the ride" to costa rica vs for the training or the networking. folks in the class are online working on other stuff or just plain not paying attention when they should be trying to absorb as much as possible. so let's say that my 1week trip costs the company ~$2M. that works out to 400 per day of training just for the travel expenses...and an additional thousand or 2 for the hours worked + overtime incurred for travel. so the company is investing say about $700/day for me to be down here (and all of the other folks...+/- some for higher/lower pay levels and whatnot) all the while, i'm also not doing my normal job to the fullest...which will incur more overtime and all that jazz. weird.
i suppose i should have thought more about this before coming down here. its just so strange to me. the relationship building is great though. i really connect to people vs connecting to knowledge. usually they align as i tend to relate more with folks that are on or around the same intellectual level as myself...but anyways. i think it's great how these relationships develop. i like knowing that i have met the person on the other end of the line that i'm helping or getting help from. i like letting folks know who i am and breaking down barriers that are easy to shatter in person but difficult or even sometimes impossible to break down via phone calls and company IM's. life is too short not to let people in. life is too short to spend so much time and energy trying to be something that we're not. i'm no angel...(not that this is something Holy)...in fact...i think i do this a lot. i really like cell phones...lately, i have traded up on them every 6months or so. i like tweaking with them and showing them off. the first part is fine...the second is not as noble. it's kind of like life. it is so easy to take credit for the work that we do in life. it is so easy (more than that, even...it is built into us) to just take the credit and let the spotlight shine on us. i have been commended quite a bit since i have been down here on my capability in spanish. but really...i didnt earn my ability to learn languages. i...me...this human named kyle am not able to improve upon my God given talents. that's just something that comes rather naturally to me. (comes naturally = God given). i feel like this is some geometric proof that should be formally laid out, proving that we are nothing and that everything we are, everything we do and everything we have is from God, of God and given by God for the sole purpose of glorifying God. it is so much eaiser to just go through life and not really take the time to step back and glorify God. it should be so built into us...we should work to make this attitude something that comes so naturally to us that it is just another part of life.
what glorifies God? when we use the gifts that he has given us to the fullest. when i say that i'm going to learn linux and pursue the natural curiosity that he has built me with to see what i can do with it. maybe i can setup an extra computer as a webpage server or a fileserver that i can spread God's word? maybe i can get a group of guys together and share in the knowledge that we have with eachother and hang out (fellowship) and just love on eachother. i'm not talking about some sort of orgy...just folks getting together and investing time...investing ourselves in eachother. maybe that group builds itself into something larger...maybe other folks start coming into the group because of the great thing it has become (evengelising)...i feel that it doesnt necessarily have to be christian from the outset...or even specifically focused at a later point in it's life...just that God's love is present.
that's kind of a tangent...a strange deviation of where i'm really going in life. i have been thinking a lot lately about what i'm here for...why i have the talents i have and what God wants me to do with them. it's very interesting to me that i have certain innate abilities or that i am "good" at certain things and not good at others. i am eternally fascinated by these things...ah...have to run.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
2 (ported from myspace)
(Gen 18:1-2, 9-15) reading about sarah and abraham this morning...in the context of "fear". it reveals an interesting side of God in that a lot of times it seems like God is a God of fear and that he will just lay down the preverbial hammer on us (striking folks down when carrying the ark of the covenant and whatnot) without too much provocation. This story...after reading it in the context of how it display's God's rational, loving side...really shows that He understands that we are human and that we are going to make mistakes...and He already knows which disappointments we are going to live through...He already knows the plan He has for us (Jer 29:11)...and what we are going to do with what He has given us in the form of intellect (one that I will be ever-thankful for...both my own and that of others that He has blessed me with knowing), material blessings, friends, family, the particular upbringing that each of us experienced, the jobs we have...so much.
back to the story...even though God knew that Sarah doubted Him to the point of laughing at His promise of a child...He did not snap at her, but simply delivered on his promise and gave them a child (which He later tested Abraham with...proving Abe's mettle yet again...). I suppose the reality of this story is that we should all see how good God is in our own daily lives and build our faith on that. I get so frustrated...so often...with my work situation...my relationship...silly little things...God tests me over and over again...and it is sad how often I get caught on the little things...I get caught up with the fact that I have not been promoted...though I have already been blessed with so much in my life. I tend to focus too much on being happy...vs being joyful in what I have...who I have...what God has done for me/given to me...smiles!
another (concious) realization of late...is how impactful being in the Bible every day is. I am so lazy and have such a tough time getting into the routine of reading everyday...i have this devotional book "Fearless" that my bro Alex gave me that i'm trying to work through...(prompted this whole monologue)...diggin it. it's one of those 40 day plan/devotionals with a surfing theme...pretty neat. anyways...i'm going to make an earnest effort to build devotional time/bible reading time into my schedule...starting with this book. good times...
what a great way to start the work day...friday even. hmm...stream...hawaii...costa rica...life is so odd...i love the continual shifting of focus...of the random insights...of the random friends and random messages...i love self discovery...love learning...love questioning - special note on that topic: i have be internally deliberating about what I should be spending my time on...studying the Bible...or studying computers/linux. not that they are really parallel studies...but they are both vying for my time...for my cognitive processes to choose them to develop and work on...in august...i chose linux...i read through an entire book (~600 pgs of tech-geek speak) and carried it with me everywhere...it really got me thinking as to what my commitment was/should be...yeah. fun stuff...anyways...i guess i am usually more compelled to study about linux because it's fun...i say fun because they are both "interesting" topics in that I can get excited/stimulated/edumacated by reading about linux or by reading the bible...and i know that they are both great topics for me to learn. the bible...i learn about God and all of the facets of God in my life...little revelations such as the one today...that might not don on me unless looked at from another angle...and i know linux is good, as i do have some sort of almost innate understanding of computers...and i brutalized them for so long that i really feel that i should be giving back...and i feel that linux allows me to do that. in fact, just today, i gave two linux books and a burned (legal) copy of my favorite flavor to a guy at work...
its a very interesting study..."the bible vs linux"...they are both "open source"...they are both pretty much free (just need to invest time in both...other than the computer, i suppose)...but i think what really catches me is that they are both evangelical...i say that because Christianity is quite obviously evangelical...but it is somehow more PC to talk about linux. not that i'm about being PC as that has always been something i have tried to challenge and push the limits on (some areas of PC are a joke to me...and i have to challenge things that just don't make sense)...weird. so i'm not about being PC...but it is easier to talk about linux. is it more socially acceptable to talk about linux? not sure. i do know that when i bring up Christianity at work...whether provoked or not...i tend to get nervous...probably red in the face and a fun little sheen shows up on my forehead...but yeah...i'm also ok with "growing pains"...hmm...yeah...that's one of my primary internal discussions of late...i know i'm supposed to be working/living to glorify God...which I can do through knowing the Word as well as knowing what gifts I have been given and using them to the fullest (my utmost for His highest?) of my ability...i suppose it's just a fine balance...ensuring that the different areas of my life are in check.
fun...kindergarten discussion...these are the things going on inside my mess of color laden hair (it's dead...why not add some color to it?). i need to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and get some more coffee into my belly...
why don't more people blog? is everyone afraid to share their thoughts with the world? i was a little apprehensive about posting my first blog...but i just jumped...like on the Screamer @ Hume....just do it. not like the nike commercial...but like ben stiller in starsky and hutch where he dresses up like the EYE-talian guy in the green sweat suit with the huge side burns..."hey...DO IT" haha...i love that line. but yeah...i'm really curious as to why there aren't more of these. i'm sure everyone has their private little journals...whether a physical book or on some random, myspace-esque server in silicon valley...pouring out thoughts...that you can see visibly, tangibly in front of you...it just helps...i'm sure all the shrinks in the room agree...never mind the fact that i'm alone now...
man, i chewed the poo outta my tongue last night while eating pizza @ family night...ouch...i'm not a fan of the day-after the tongue biting swollen, dulled pain sometimes bleeding tongue thing. doesn't mix well with hot, strong coffee...bah.
running out of intelligent things to say...to tired after not enough sleep to want to say something unintelligent (beyond what has already been schpielled on this page....)
back to the story...even though God knew that Sarah doubted Him to the point of laughing at His promise of a child...He did not snap at her, but simply delivered on his promise and gave them a child (which He later tested Abraham with...proving Abe's mettle yet again...). I suppose the reality of this story is that we should all see how good God is in our own daily lives and build our faith on that. I get so frustrated...so often...with my work situation...my relationship...silly little things...God tests me over and over again...and it is sad how often I get caught on the little things...I get caught up with the fact that I have not been promoted...though I have already been blessed with so much in my life. I tend to focus too much on being happy...vs being joyful in what I have...who I have...what God has done for me/given to me...smiles!
another (concious) realization of late...is how impactful being in the Bible every day is. I am so lazy and have such a tough time getting into the routine of reading everyday...i have this devotional book "Fearless" that my bro Alex gave me that i'm trying to work through...(prompted this whole monologue)...diggin it. it's one of those 40 day plan/devotionals with a surfing theme...pretty neat. anyways...i'm going to make an earnest effort to build devotional time/bible reading time into my schedule...starting with this book. good times...
what a great way to start the work day...friday even. hmm...stream...hawaii...costa rica...life is so odd...i love the continual shifting of focus...of the random insights...of the random friends and random messages...i love self discovery...love learning...love questioning - special note on that topic: i have be internally deliberating about what I should be spending my time on...studying the Bible...or studying computers/linux. not that they are really parallel studies...but they are both vying for my time...for my cognitive processes to choose them to develop and work on...in august...i chose linux...i read through an entire book (~600 pgs of tech-geek speak) and carried it with me everywhere...it really got me thinking as to what my commitment was/should be...yeah. fun stuff...anyways...i guess i am usually more compelled to study about linux because it's fun...i say fun because they are both "interesting" topics in that I can get excited/stimulated/edumacated by reading about linux or by reading the bible...and i know that they are both great topics for me to learn. the bible...i learn about God and all of the facets of God in my life...little revelations such as the one today...that might not don on me unless looked at from another angle...and i know linux is good, as i do have some sort of almost innate understanding of computers...and i brutalized them for so long that i really feel that i should be giving back...and i feel that linux allows me to do that. in fact, just today, i gave two linux books and a burned (legal) copy of my favorite flavor to a guy at work...
its a very interesting study..."the bible vs linux"...they are both "open source"...they are both pretty much free (just need to invest time in both...other than the computer, i suppose)...but i think what really catches me is that they are both evangelical...i say that because Christianity is quite obviously evangelical...but it is somehow more PC to talk about linux. not that i'm about being PC as that has always been something i have tried to challenge and push the limits on (some areas of PC are a joke to me...and i have to challenge things that just don't make sense)...weird. so i'm not about being PC...but it is easier to talk about linux. is it more socially acceptable to talk about linux? not sure. i do know that when i bring up Christianity at work...whether provoked or not...i tend to get nervous...probably red in the face and a fun little sheen shows up on my forehead...but yeah...i'm also ok with "growing pains"...hmm...yeah...that's one of my primary internal discussions of late...i know i'm supposed to be working/living to glorify God...which I can do through knowing the Word as well as knowing what gifts I have been given and using them to the fullest (my utmost for His highest?) of my ability...i suppose it's just a fine balance...ensuring that the different areas of my life are in check.
fun...kindergarten discussion...these are the things going on inside my mess of color laden hair (it's dead...why not add some color to it?). i need to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and get some more coffee into my belly...
why don't more people blog? is everyone afraid to share their thoughts with the world? i was a little apprehensive about posting my first blog...but i just jumped...like on the Screamer @ Hume....just do it. not like the nike commercial...but like ben stiller in starsky and hutch where he dresses up like the EYE-talian guy in the green sweat suit with the huge side burns..."hey...DO IT" haha...i love that line. but yeah...i'm really curious as to why there aren't more of these. i'm sure everyone has their private little journals...whether a physical book or on some random, myspace-esque server in silicon valley...pouring out thoughts...that you can see visibly, tangibly in front of you...it just helps...i'm sure all the shrinks in the room agree...never mind the fact that i'm alone now...
man, i chewed the poo outta my tongue last night while eating pizza @ family night...ouch...i'm not a fan of the day-after the tongue biting swollen, dulled pain sometimes bleeding tongue thing. doesn't mix well with hot, strong coffee...bah.
running out of intelligent things to say...to tired after not enough sleep to want to say something unintelligent (beyond what has already been schpielled on this page....)
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
...another title... (ported from myspace)
so i'm not really sure where all i'm going with this, but i'm inspired to say. that's it...just say. just reading a message and found this "Go with your gut Kyle... That part of life is more simple than we think... " and i liked it. not that i didnt like it the first time i read it...just that i like having things/words/people/places/whatever around me that make me think. simple...i like to think. i like people who think...who question...who don't just use windows (not that there is anything wrong with using windows...well...yeah SKIP that topic for now)...but the ones that wonder...that ponder and allow their thoughts to travel...and just kinda hang on for the ride sometimes. the mind is a wonderful thing and i'm personally really enjoying finding out about mine...though i don't always find what i wish i found...it's almost like Christmas...but not. here's a quickie...i like computers...always have. not sure why...but we just get along (not worth questioning)...so i have this almost-innate sense that anything computers and me...we should just get along. but that's not always the case. i can get by on computers...i'm a pretty good "end user" of most things...and even a darn good "key user"...wherein i have a specialty in a particular app or suite and i can troubleshoot/become extremely proficient in using/help others with them...but i'm not a programmer. i dabble in shell scripting...but i guess it's just not my thing...i like some of the things it can do for me, but i'm not absolutely enthralled with it. i like having the ability to build a script that will install all the apps i use frequently on my computer...as well as update my computer with all of the little latest and greatest patches and whatnot via a cron job...that's cool...
i digress...anyways...yeah, i've found that (and i think it was quite a revelation) i'm just not always going to be THE MAN when it comes to computers...and i guess i need to come to terms with that (pretty much have already...just kinda sorting through the detritus that is my brain and diggin up the few pieces that are worth working with...and running with them.) life is so funny at times and so freaking frustrating at others...(re: all my other blogs)...funny...me...i'm fun...i like having fun...i love making others laugh and feel better...it's just me. frustrating...not being good enough at something/trying hard enough at something/whatever to satisfy others (something that gets driven into my head here at work over and over and over...yada yada... again every day)
music freakin rocks. listening to angels and airwaves right now...and it just "get's me off"...there's not much in this wonderful world that God built that compares...that's one of the reasons i love worshiping at church...theres just something about it...when it all hits...the lyrics...my mood (i sound like a woman, ugh)...the melody...the person leading worship...yeah...it's like nothing else...i remember when i saw third day @ the del mar fairgrounds during their set at last year's spirit west coast set...i knew all the words...they were rocking...everyone was praising God...that's what it's all about...that's great...people just loving on God... stepping to the side...weird when all those same people are walking out of the stadium...they all (including me, most of the time) lose the whole mentality that they had just two minutes ago...when it was them, the band and God...everyone's pushing and shoving to get out...and that whole sentiment doubles once folks are in their cars...kinda sucks. why do we have to be like that? why do we just suck sometimes... it sucks to just BLAME it on the ever-present humanity that we all have...sucks to just call it sin...something about us that we have to deal with...asking for forgiveness sucks...(especially from God). not that i'm opposed to it, as we are always going to have something to ask forgiveness for...but dang...every day. i fail every day...sometimes even before i'm fully awake...i'm the biggest grouch in the mornings, no matter how much sleep i've had...whatever.
so yeah...i love "stumbling" around on the 'net. it's great...there's so much interesting stuff out there. i'm not so good at going through a 10 page technical how-to on installing the latest and greatest KXdocker from binary...or taking the time to build a package for it that might help others do the same... (i'm probably good at that...but i'm going to blame that on my job..where i deal with numbers and fixing stuff on the 'puter all day...every day...that's a bummer...maybe i need a hands on job so I can still go home and play with the stuff i enjoy?)...yeah...life...fun...not so fun at times...life...me...music! fun...snow patrol rocks...should go see them tomorrow night at the wiltern...hmm...
that's about the end of it for now...streams only last so long...:)'s more...fun to try to stay in the mindset of just writing vs writing FOR someone...or TO someone...writing wrocks! that's another thing....i was actually commended (not sure it was said in a positive sense, but that's how i'm going to take it) for my use of "prose", ie, work terminoligy used in a very grandeloquent fashion...haha. it's great to be almost sarcastic when telling someone/everyone about this or that issue...work makes me laugh sometimes...but more often than not, that's just the only thing i can do that doesnt involve quitting on the spot. i'm going to stop...as i'm trying not to complain...even if it's only to my blog.
.s.m.i.l.e.!
Currently listening:
We Don't Need to Whisper
By Angels and Airwaves
Release date: 23 May, 2006
i digress...anyways...yeah, i've found that (and i think it was quite a revelation) i'm just not always going to be THE MAN when it comes to computers...and i guess i need to come to terms with that (pretty much have already...just kinda sorting through the detritus that is my brain and diggin up the few pieces that are worth working with...and running with them.) life is so funny at times and so freaking frustrating at others...(re: all my other blogs)...funny...me...i'm fun...i like having fun...i love making others laugh and feel better...it's just me. frustrating...not being good enough at something/trying hard enough at something/whatever to satisfy others (something that gets driven into my head here at work over and over and over...yada yada... again every day)
music freakin rocks. listening to angels and airwaves right now...and it just "get's me off"...there's not much in this wonderful world that God built that compares...that's one of the reasons i love worshiping at church...theres just something about it...when it all hits...the lyrics...my mood (i sound like a woman, ugh)...the melody...the person leading worship...yeah...it's like nothing else...i remember when i saw third day @ the del mar fairgrounds during their set at last year's spirit west coast set...i knew all the words...they were rocking...everyone was praising God...that's what it's all about...that's great...people just loving on God... stepping to the side...weird when all those same people are walking out of the stadium...they all (including me, most of the time) lose the whole mentality that they had just two minutes ago...when it was them, the band and God...everyone's pushing and shoving to get out...and that whole sentiment doubles once folks are in their cars...kinda sucks. why do we have to be like that? why do we just suck sometimes... it sucks to just BLAME it on the ever-present humanity that we all have...sucks to just call it sin...something about us that we have to deal with...asking for forgiveness sucks...(especially from God). not that i'm opposed to it, as we are always going to have something to ask forgiveness for...but dang...every day. i fail every day...sometimes even before i'm fully awake...i'm the biggest grouch in the mornings, no matter how much sleep i've had...whatever.
so yeah...i love "stumbling" around on the 'net. it's great...there's so much interesting stuff out there. i'm not so good at going through a 10 page technical how-to on installing the latest and greatest KXdocker from binary...or taking the time to build a package for it that might help others do the same... (i'm probably good at that...but i'm going to blame that on my job..where i deal with numbers and fixing stuff on the 'puter all day...every day...that's a bummer...maybe i need a hands on job so I can still go home and play with the stuff i enjoy?)...yeah...life...fun...not so fun at times...life...me...music! fun...snow patrol rocks...should go see them tomorrow night at the wiltern...hmm...
that's about the end of it for now...streams only last so long...:)'s more...fun to try to stay in the mindset of just writing vs writing FOR someone...or TO someone...writing wrocks! that's another thing....i was actually commended (not sure it was said in a positive sense, but that's how i'm going to take it) for my use of "prose", ie, work terminoligy used in a very grandeloquent fashion...haha. it's great to be almost sarcastic when telling someone/everyone about this or that issue...work makes me laugh sometimes...but more often than not, that's just the only thing i can do that doesnt involve quitting on the spot. i'm going to stop...as i'm trying not to complain...even if it's only to my blog.
.s.m.i.l.e.!
Currently listening:
We Don't Need to Whisper
By Angels and Airwaves
Release date: 23 May, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
normalized (ported from myspace)
i'm not sure if i just gave up on work or what...but it sure has been a lot less stressful lately. I'm not sure if it's just because i haven't been doing as much or if i have just come to terms with the fact that i know i can't get everything done even if i work 12hrs a day. i have put in my fair share of long days in an attempt at getting the work done...and i have made some dents in it here and there but i found that doing that was a conflict of my work ethic and my work-life balance theory. i really do believe that one should make every effort to keep work at work and to keep it from affecting the personal side of life. that has been a struggle of late and a struggle that i'm not completely sure which side i'm on.
i'm a fan of work...i'm pretty good at what i do...i usually like what i do...and i think it will settle down within the next few months, but i'm still unsure as to whether or not this experience changed how i do work. i guess recapping the events of late is about all i have to let out on "normal" days...weird. i figured that i might not have a whole lot to say...i guess i'm just really curious as to what work is going to look like when i'm only doing one job instead of the ever-nebulous 2.3523234 jobs...it is so grey...so weird not really knowing what my priorities are at work. so weird just being at work and knowing that even if i didnt go home...and didnt really sleep that much...i still wouldnt get all of it done. feels helpless most of the time...the rest of the time, i'm just too busy doing the work to realize that life...and work...and opportunities to actually pause and make the place better...actually fix the problems...actually implement my good ideas...are just passing me by. i think that i really do get my enjoyment out of work through the improvements that i make...through the 1 time per month (or 3 months...whatever) that i get the acknowledgement that i'm doing a good job. maybe that's just what happens when it's like this. i think i really do drop more work and probably get in "trouble" (if that could ever happen) more than i get "props". i guess i wonder if i can ever get back to the point where i'm satisfied with just getting the job done, unnoticed or if i will forever be in this pseudo world that is work where everything has to be humorous because if i really took it seriously, i would either just walk out or i would stay and work 16hr days 6.5 days/week.
getting a raise is humorous at this point...work is piled high...things are falling to the floor...maybe, just maybe somebody else sees the light...sees that we are doing 4 jobs with just under two full time people...and that the responsibility for covering the balance falls on me. that's weird....i'm the only full time person in this department (i laugh at the mention of it being called a department in the fragmented state that it is in today)...i feel that no one really thinks i'm going to get back to them when they ask me a question...that it really wouldnt matter if i stayed or went as the productivity level that i work at varies so much day to day...hour to hour...even minute to minute...i digress...i suppose that's the point of this strange blog...not sure if i'm typing public or private...today is just to let out something...more of a curiousity of whether or not there is anything worth purging...to see if i have anything worth saying at all...as i have said it all before....just in a different order.
stream...stream...good news on the forefront: business trip to costa rica in october without sok...good and bad i suppose...a vacation that would have been great to share with her as well as (more than likely) much needed time apart. we live together work together (albeit in different ends/businesses of the plant)...eat together, sleep together...the whole gammut...so yeah...unsure of what that trip is going to look like. maybe it's my solitary answer to the annual "girls trip" that has been toned down from the all out (pre kyle) party in vegas...to the (early kyle) party in miami/south beach...to this year's scottsdale, az trip...i guess it's supposed to be a spa/relaxation trip. dunno...not thinking that a trip like that...with the history there is going to be fully acceptable...ever?...i guess i'll have to "noodle" on that one. work sayings crack me up. "one sentence, no prose" i've got your prose...no teeth, please. ugh. anyways...this is a positive sentence...costa rica...linux? we are cutting over to a new linux based tracking system instead of our current unix one. i guess the HP-UX licensing fees were price-prohibitive. the new "low cost" server fits our corporate theme of using low-cost slave labor in previously management staffed roles (oh, that's me)...haha i love this place. i guess i really am linux...a low cost version of unix...:) the way things are going lately and by these parallels...i think i might have to go with bill gates...( i hear that campbells (yeah, the soup company) is the new chlorox...brush up the resume..."sell myself"...something that PnG has trained me well at)...
heck with doing the work. seriously. i'm totally convinced that i could spend my day doing 3 things (in 2hrs/day) that "make headlines" at work...and probably don't really DO anything...and get all sorts of praise and i would end up being better off than if i spent all day doing the 16 things that were really the best for the business. so strange...i suppose that it would probably (maybe) catch up with me eventually. i don't think i would get any satisfaction out of that anyways. pays better though. haha.
i'm a fan of work...i'm pretty good at what i do...i usually like what i do...and i think it will settle down within the next few months, but i'm still unsure as to whether or not this experience changed how i do work. i guess recapping the events of late is about all i have to let out on "normal" days...weird. i figured that i might not have a whole lot to say...i guess i'm just really curious as to what work is going to look like when i'm only doing one job instead of the ever-nebulous 2.3523234 jobs...it is so grey...so weird not really knowing what my priorities are at work. so weird just being at work and knowing that even if i didnt go home...and didnt really sleep that much...i still wouldnt get all of it done. feels helpless most of the time...the rest of the time, i'm just too busy doing the work to realize that life...and work...and opportunities to actually pause and make the place better...actually fix the problems...actually implement my good ideas...are just passing me by. i think that i really do get my enjoyment out of work through the improvements that i make...through the 1 time per month (or 3 months...whatever) that i get the acknowledgement that i'm doing a good job. maybe that's just what happens when it's like this. i think i really do drop more work and probably get in "trouble" (if that could ever happen) more than i get "props". i guess i wonder if i can ever get back to the point where i'm satisfied with just getting the job done, unnoticed or if i will forever be in this pseudo world that is work where everything has to be humorous because if i really took it seriously, i would either just walk out or i would stay and work 16hr days 6.5 days/week.
getting a raise is humorous at this point...work is piled high...things are falling to the floor...maybe, just maybe somebody else sees the light...sees that we are doing 4 jobs with just under two full time people...and that the responsibility for covering the balance falls on me. that's weird....i'm the only full time person in this department (i laugh at the mention of it being called a department in the fragmented state that it is in today)...i feel that no one really thinks i'm going to get back to them when they ask me a question...that it really wouldnt matter if i stayed or went as the productivity level that i work at varies so much day to day...hour to hour...even minute to minute...i digress...i suppose that's the point of this strange blog...not sure if i'm typing public or private...today is just to let out something...more of a curiousity of whether or not there is anything worth purging...to see if i have anything worth saying at all...as i have said it all before....just in a different order.
stream...stream...good news on the forefront: business trip to costa rica in october without sok...good and bad i suppose...a vacation that would have been great to share with her as well as (more than likely) much needed time apart. we live together work together (albeit in different ends/businesses of the plant)...eat together, sleep together...the whole gammut...so yeah...unsure of what that trip is going to look like. maybe it's my solitary answer to the annual "girls trip" that has been toned down from the all out (pre kyle) party in vegas...to the (early kyle) party in miami/south beach...to this year's scottsdale, az trip...i guess it's supposed to be a spa/relaxation trip. dunno...not thinking that a trip like that...with the history there is going to be fully acceptable...ever?...i guess i'll have to "noodle" on that one. work sayings crack me up. "one sentence, no prose" i've got your prose...no teeth, please. ugh. anyways...this is a positive sentence...costa rica...linux? we are cutting over to a new linux based tracking system instead of our current unix one. i guess the HP-UX licensing fees were price-prohibitive. the new "low cost" server fits our corporate theme of using low-cost slave labor in previously management staffed roles (oh, that's me)...haha i love this place. i guess i really am linux...a low cost version of unix...:) the way things are going lately and by these parallels...i think i might have to go with bill gates...( i hear that campbells (yeah, the soup company) is the new chlorox...brush up the resume..."sell myself"...something that PnG has trained me well at)...
heck with doing the work. seriously. i'm totally convinced that i could spend my day doing 3 things (in 2hrs/day) that "make headlines" at work...and probably don't really DO anything...and get all sorts of praise and i would end up being better off than if i spent all day doing the 16 things that were really the best for the business. so strange...i suppose that it would probably (maybe) catch up with me eventually. i don't think i would get any satisfaction out of that anyways. pays better though. haha.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
why (ported from myspace)
why a subject...that's all, nothing serious. anyways...we just returned from my cousin paul's wedding and it was great. it really helped me to see how much they love eachother and how much they have sacrificed for eachother. it was great...it really made me think...what is the purpose of my life? not that i'm trying to dress up the eternal question of "what is the meaning of life?" or something along those lines, though i fear it will be/should be tossed in that same barrel. so anyways...i was driving home and just started thinking. normally after weddings, women tend to be all gooey and excited about the passion that the couple shared and how lovely this or that was...yada yada...all too predictable and all too true to laugh at. so yeah...i was running through all of those kinds of things in my mind...just so i would not be suprised by any oohs or aahs...and i started thinking about marriage.
suprisingly (or not, i'm still not sure), i think about it a lot. that is another one of the inevitable resultant emotions that come out of weddings...so it quickly turned from that into more of an internal...what is the purpose of my life "thought session"...it's pretty important to ponder such topics, as that is really what we are here to do...y'know...to fulfill our purpose...to do what we are here to do...to do what God made us to do...yeah. so i was thinking...i really don't DO much with my life. I go to work...which i'm not too stoked on at the moment...i make money...i go home...possibly stop here and there and spend some of the aforementioned moneys on this or that inconsequential item...dvd...new phone...apples...sure, all good things. get home...eat...sleep yeah, you know the drill. i guess i kinda felt that for the first bit of being a Christian, i had some time to ramp up...and to get my feet wet...to ease into it and find my place. i'm ok with that...it makes sense...but now...i have been a Christian now for about a year and a half...almost 2 yrs...and i really don't think i'm too much better off than i was then. not that i havent made progress...but branches that bear no fruit will be trimmed (i'm paraphrasing a bit on that one)...yeah.
so where's my outreach? where's my ministry....not that i need a following or anything crazy like that...but my interaction with church is currently limited to sundays and the standard wednesday class. i'm going to make an honest effort to get into a small group/home group...but they kinda scare me. i guess my recent experience with them portrayed them to be more of a social group...i don't need more things in my life that make me feel comfortable...or feel good about myself...or feel like i'm a "good" Christian...i'm really looking for good solid friends and good solid folks to tell me that i'm not doing too well in this area and that (i have a few friends that do that for me and it's the best and the worst thing...i tell myself that some of the things that i do are not ok...and i do work through them internally very frequently...and i have made some progress...but i'm definitely still a work in progress and i NEED reality checks from folks to keep me grounded...there is already way too much BS (balogna sticks, right?) in the world to induldge in more of the same...intentionally)...so yeah. home group? small group? i guess i'm looking for God to reach out and pull me in...or to open the right door...i'm a n003 in this area...and what i have seen has not been promising...ugh. i'm sick of myself..
...and i should be looking for a new job...but that is a whole seperate topic for a whole seperate internal discussion...dunno....bla! here goes another pale attempt at sleep before another ridiculous week of PnG.
suprisingly (or not, i'm still not sure), i think about it a lot. that is another one of the inevitable resultant emotions that come out of weddings...so it quickly turned from that into more of an internal...what is the purpose of my life "thought session"...it's pretty important to ponder such topics, as that is really what we are here to do...y'know...to fulfill our purpose...to do what we are here to do...to do what God made us to do...yeah. so i was thinking...i really don't DO much with my life. I go to work...which i'm not too stoked on at the moment...i make money...i go home...possibly stop here and there and spend some of the aforementioned moneys on this or that inconsequential item...dvd...new phone...apples...sure, all good things. get home...eat...sleep yeah, you know the drill. i guess i kinda felt that for the first bit of being a Christian, i had some time to ramp up...and to get my feet wet...to ease into it and find my place. i'm ok with that...it makes sense...but now...i have been a Christian now for about a year and a half...almost 2 yrs...and i really don't think i'm too much better off than i was then. not that i havent made progress...but branches that bear no fruit will be trimmed (i'm paraphrasing a bit on that one)...yeah.
so where's my outreach? where's my ministry....not that i need a following or anything crazy like that...but my interaction with church is currently limited to sundays and the standard wednesday class. i'm going to make an honest effort to get into a small group/home group...but they kinda scare me. i guess my recent experience with them portrayed them to be more of a social group...i don't need more things in my life that make me feel comfortable...or feel good about myself...or feel like i'm a "good" Christian...i'm really looking for good solid friends and good solid folks to tell me that i'm not doing too well in this area and that (i have a few friends that do that for me and it's the best and the worst thing...i tell myself that some of the things that i do are not ok...and i do work through them internally very frequently...and i have made some progress...but i'm definitely still a work in progress and i NEED reality checks from folks to keep me grounded...there is already way too much BS (balogna sticks, right?) in the world to induldge in more of the same...intentionally)...so yeah. home group? small group? i guess i'm looking for God to reach out and pull me in...or to open the right door...i'm a n003 in this area...and what i have seen has not been promising...ugh. i'm sick of myself..
...and i should be looking for a new job...but that is a whole seperate topic for a whole seperate internal discussion...dunno....bla! here goes another pale attempt at sleep before another ridiculous week of PnG.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
tell ya later.../louder with earplugs in...(ported from myspace)
soooooooo....what is the point of all this? there are times, when driving down the road or when lying in bed...when one feels the urge to do what society tells us not to do...logic tells us not to do...in fact, pretty much everything that is this world that we live in tells us not to do some things...like pulling a hard right when driving eastbound parallel to a chain link fence surrounding a military base (not that there's much that's special about a military base, per se)...like walking into the living room naked as the "in laws" are making dinner...like...whatever. there is so much disconnect between the world that we see on TV...the world that we are expected to live in...the mini world that is work...an ecosystem...a food chain...a social drama unto itself...and the church. i guess i can't even really comment that there is disconnect between this and that, because that would imply that i feel ownership or part of any church. i don't have a church. sure, i go to calvary community church in westlake more often than not...and i know a few people there...but it is no CHURCH. a church is a living breathing dynamic gathering...it is not one person...it is not the place where people come and go on sundays...and the occasional wednesday for an organized class...it's a place where people go and feel at home...they give and receive counsel from friends...friends and family. not that anyone there has to be related...it's how people move and flow. i don't get that at calvary. i feel isolated...i feel as though i am a visitor in some world that is so distant from "church" that it is as though i am on another planet...
this is not about church though...i am not awake after being in bed (sad as that is...) because of church. it is really that first thought that pulled me back out here. what am i doing here. i'm not sure what my purpose is...i don't feel like reading a purpose driven life. that book has done a lot of good for a lot of people..i'm just not getting direction. possibly it is the wise words of a friend who suggested that my pathetic excuse for a christian life (in that i live with my girlfriend and still have the gall to attend church, carry a Bible, pray and call myself a Christian)...was the root of all of the tension in my life. not that i'm totally in disagreeance with her, but i guess i'm just too much of a hard head to give everything over at once. i have made some progress...albeit back to a "normal" lifestyle relative to the mild nature of others...hmmm...i'm just not sure what the deal is i guess. i'm not feeling God in my life...i'm off i'm on...dude...it's rough. either that or i'm just weak. i know that's the case, too...i can try...and in doing so, achieving this and that...to whom the merit is given...i don't know. work is just plain lame. i work hard...no one notices...i do nothing...no one notices...i complain about how hard i work...nothing changes...i don't complain about working hard...no one notices...why not just not work hard and have the same people not notice? or better yet...why not just not work hard...play on the 'net all day...and probably get more credit for the one thing that i did do...work is lame. it's actually almost the opposite of real...i would call it completely fake. so weird. if i just didnt do any work...but did the 4 things that people would notice (though they really did nothing for the company) i would probably get a raise. however...if i sat back and found the 4 things that would do the most for the company, i would probably get close to getting fired for the 3 things within the 4 that did not go exactly right...now that's what i would call a messed up "rewards system" LoL. so what i end up doing is oscillating back and forth between the two extremes...monday i spend 14hrs busting my booty fixing the leftovers from someone else's completely botched and half-@$$'d effort at a huge task...with nothing but complaints all around. i was not able to deliver what i normally would have done on any other day...but considering the circumstances and the magnitude of the possible impact of the issue...i rocked it. tuesday i was tired from the previous day so i barely managed to make any headway on resolving the aforementioned issue after patching up the current day's duties...and today...i made some actual progress again...another notch on the belt against the issue...but still not on par with most normal days. so what do i end up with? i'm drained at the end of the day...i delivered less net benefit to the company than a normal, uneventful day...but in the end, i did what was best for the company having now spend ~33hrs fixing someone else's hurricane leftovers...not that it's horrible work...it's tedious..i'm the man for the job as i know the data better than anyone at the site...but wow...how can folks get to the point where the actual work that needs to be done doesnt even get base recognition. seriously...i will get chewed out tomorrow for not having everything "back to base" though i have done everything in my power to get things back to normal. i'm just not sure where to go with this whole thing...
SAP skills are highly transferrable and i have a fun new role coming in november (if it ever gets here...oh when oh when will it..??) that should add quite a bit of flexibility, opportunity for travel and great opportunity to grow my skills (though i'm still uncertain as to the benefit to the financial bottom line for this KAF)...yeah...so that's the game. i burn my candle o' passion down to the nub at work...leaving nothing left for home...i'm drained of all my passion, as it goes so unnoticed at work (and most of the time at home, though that be a completely seperate schpiel)...ugh!! yeah...let me at that chain link fence...g'bye clothes...here i come o' kitchen o' my in laws! asklnklsdasgagslkglnskasdlkhgsnklnklgasdnklgsagksgslnkkjlgskljgsaslkj
this is not about church though...i am not awake after being in bed (sad as that is...) because of church. it is really that first thought that pulled me back out here. what am i doing here. i'm not sure what my purpose is...i don't feel like reading a purpose driven life. that book has done a lot of good for a lot of people..i'm just not getting direction. possibly it is the wise words of a friend who suggested that my pathetic excuse for a christian life (in that i live with my girlfriend and still have the gall to attend church, carry a Bible, pray and call myself a Christian)...was the root of all of the tension in my life. not that i'm totally in disagreeance with her, but i guess i'm just too much of a hard head to give everything over at once. i have made some progress...albeit back to a "normal" lifestyle relative to the mild nature of others...hmmm...i'm just not sure what the deal is i guess. i'm not feeling God in my life...i'm off i'm on...dude...it's rough. either that or i'm just weak. i know that's the case, too...i can try...and in doing so, achieving this and that...to whom the merit is given...i don't know. work is just plain lame. i work hard...no one notices...i do nothing...no one notices...i complain about how hard i work...nothing changes...i don't complain about working hard...no one notices...why not just not work hard and have the same people not notice? or better yet...why not just not work hard...play on the 'net all day...and probably get more credit for the one thing that i did do...work is lame. it's actually almost the opposite of real...i would call it completely fake. so weird. if i just didnt do any work...but did the 4 things that people would notice (though they really did nothing for the company) i would probably get a raise. however...if i sat back and found the 4 things that would do the most for the company, i would probably get close to getting fired for the 3 things within the 4 that did not go exactly right...now that's what i would call a messed up "rewards system" LoL. so what i end up doing is oscillating back and forth between the two extremes...monday i spend 14hrs busting my booty fixing the leftovers from someone else's completely botched and half-@$$'d effort at a huge task...with nothing but complaints all around. i was not able to deliver what i normally would have done on any other day...but considering the circumstances and the magnitude of the possible impact of the issue...i rocked it. tuesday i was tired from the previous day so i barely managed to make any headway on resolving the aforementioned issue after patching up the current day's duties...and today...i made some actual progress again...another notch on the belt against the issue...but still not on par with most normal days. so what do i end up with? i'm drained at the end of the day...i delivered less net benefit to the company than a normal, uneventful day...but in the end, i did what was best for the company having now spend ~33hrs fixing someone else's hurricane leftovers...not that it's horrible work...it's tedious..i'm the man for the job as i know the data better than anyone at the site...but wow...how can folks get to the point where the actual work that needs to be done doesnt even get base recognition. seriously...i will get chewed out tomorrow for not having everything "back to base" though i have done everything in my power to get things back to normal. i'm just not sure where to go with this whole thing...
SAP skills are highly transferrable and i have a fun new role coming in november (if it ever gets here...oh when oh when will it..??) that should add quite a bit of flexibility, opportunity for travel and great opportunity to grow my skills (though i'm still uncertain as to the benefit to the financial bottom line for this KAF)...yeah...so that's the game. i burn my candle o' passion down to the nub at work...leaving nothing left for home...i'm drained of all my passion, as it goes so unnoticed at work (and most of the time at home, though that be a completely seperate schpiel)...ugh!! yeah...let me at that chain link fence...g'bye clothes...here i come o' kitchen o' my in laws! asklnklsdasgagslkglnskasdlkhgsnklnklgasdnklgsagksgslnkkjlgskljgsaslkj
Thursday, August 03, 2006
computers (ported from myspace)
I'm still not sure what to think about computers...first, i learn to dislike them (while at work for 8-15hours/day)...then i go home and the first thing that I want to do is to jump on the computer or to pickup one of my linux books or whatever...i'm kind of curious as to what the allure is to me...i really like when stuff is free (cause paying for stuff is painful and oftentimes does not yield the same level of results...brings to mind the sacrifice Jesus made for us...as he was able to pay for something with his body that we could never pay for...i wonder if getting stuff for free is some innate desire that we have, as we innately understand that we NEED that which cannot be purchased...another person's love...the blood of Jesus...friends...etc) and i really like when stuff is cool/interesting/fun/produces nice results...all the while challenging me to stretch my brain and build myself.
breaking this down yet another level...i like linux. i'm going to start there...(now)...hmm...i have been on a computer for longer than i can remember. i really don't even remember life without a computer. i think our first one showed up around age 5....but that was a mac. back to linux...i guess what appeals to me is that it is a computer OS that not everyone knows. (including me). i like having problems arise...er...opportunites arise...that i do not already know how to fix. windows used to bug me because problems would show up...i would know how to fix it...and it would just take way too freaking long...but with linux...once i know how to fix something...it's usually pretty painless...it's free...has a HUGE variety of communities for support and people that use linux are generally of the hIgher Quality intellect. i find that fascinating. it is cool to find a group of folks who are smart...working on the same thing....motivated by a common interest...not getting paid (i have found that not getting paid is huge in this picture...where else do you find coders motivated by interest? usually people who are enrolled in the work force tend to lose motivation, whether it be by a lack of inspiration, management stifling their creative muscles, boring office environment or what have you....it just seems to go downhill once the funds start flowing...maybe i'm in the wrong line of work??).
anyways...people who run linux usually have a pretty strong desire to learn and to improve that which they are learning. me? i really dig linux. i'm really starting to ramp up on the learning curve...and i'm really digging it. i do still have a dual boot computer at home, with a legal, purchased version of MS windo$e XP MCE 2005, but i haven't really booted to it in quite awhile. i am still having a few issues getting linux to do all the things i want it to, but for the most part, i feel really, really comfortable with it and am getting pretty good at tweaking, breaking, fixing...rinse wash repeat...linux. i am a slow learner, though.
i feel hampered of late by work. i work too much...or just get too frustrated by work to spend quality time in linux. i have been digressing quite a bit at work...we have 2 huge programs here at work, that work together and they are both based on unix...which linux is derived from. so it's great being able to reapply some of my newly acquired knowledge of linux to these systems...and to be able to have a better of computers and their guts at the same time...but i have really been focusing on what i enjoy at work...which is not necessarily my job. not that it matters...i suppose that i should focus on what i'm good at...but i really do still need to get my job done and do what i'm actually getting paid to do...whatever. work is really kinda secondary to me. feels weird saying that...but i really don't have too many qualms about not having my job. i feel so demotivated when i come to work. i am inspired infrequently...usually when talking with someone else about their issues and what I can do to help resolve them. blah. why am i talking about work...i get tired just talking about it.
linux...yeah...good...so i'm still exploring this curiosity that the Lord has brought into my life and doing my best to explore this desire to the fullest...i'm actually kind of excited as to where this path will lead me...new career? start a business? i have no idea...just know that work...i can't even say that it's the actual work..but more of the people...or the situation...is really killing me. i wish i had the same passion to find a new job as i do to explore on the computer at home. that's kinda weird though. i know that God gave me the tools that I need to do the job that he put me here to do...i just need to figure out what the job is...and why me? haha. why anything, i guess...if you're going to ask why at all...start there. blarg...
Xplore Xwindows Xtremely Xcited Xactly Xasperated Xtremely Xtatic
way past my bedtime (time to go home)
maybe i just need to get some good solid old fashioned sleep? maybe i'm getting too much sleep...i don't really think there's a difference in how the day goes by...just changes the amount of stuff that i get done in a day.
project for when i get home...figure out what crashed on the ol' linux box...upgraded to the almost beta KDE 3.4.5 for kubuntu overnight...yay! good times.... >sudo apt-get remove kde< : )
breaking this down yet another level...i like linux. i'm going to start there...(now)...hmm...i have been on a computer for longer than i can remember. i really don't even remember life without a computer. i think our first one showed up around age 5....but that was a mac. back to linux...i guess what appeals to me is that it is a computer OS that not everyone knows. (including me). i like having problems arise...er...opportunites arise...that i do not already know how to fix. windows used to bug me because problems would show up...i would know how to fix it...and it would just take way too freaking long...but with linux...once i know how to fix something...it's usually pretty painless...it's free...has a HUGE variety of communities for support and people that use linux are generally of the hIgher Quality intellect. i find that fascinating. it is cool to find a group of folks who are smart...working on the same thing....motivated by a common interest...not getting paid (i have found that not getting paid is huge in this picture...where else do you find coders motivated by interest? usually people who are enrolled in the work force tend to lose motivation, whether it be by a lack of inspiration, management stifling their creative muscles, boring office environment or what have you....it just seems to go downhill once the funds start flowing...maybe i'm in the wrong line of work??).
anyways...people who run linux usually have a pretty strong desire to learn and to improve that which they are learning. me? i really dig linux. i'm really starting to ramp up on the learning curve...and i'm really digging it. i do still have a dual boot computer at home, with a legal, purchased version of MS windo$e XP MCE 2005, but i haven't really booted to it in quite awhile. i am still having a few issues getting linux to do all the things i want it to, but for the most part, i feel really, really comfortable with it and am getting pretty good at tweaking, breaking, fixing...rinse wash repeat...linux. i am a slow learner, though.
i feel hampered of late by work. i work too much...or just get too frustrated by work to spend quality time in linux. i have been digressing quite a bit at work...we have 2 huge programs here at work, that work together and they are both based on unix...which linux is derived from. so it's great being able to reapply some of my newly acquired knowledge of linux to these systems...and to be able to have a better of computers and their guts at the same time...but i have really been focusing on what i enjoy at work...which is not necessarily my job. not that it matters...i suppose that i should focus on what i'm good at...but i really do still need to get my job done and do what i'm actually getting paid to do...whatever. work is really kinda secondary to me. feels weird saying that...but i really don't have too many qualms about not having my job. i feel so demotivated when i come to work. i am inspired infrequently...usually when talking with someone else about their issues and what I can do to help resolve them. blah. why am i talking about work...i get tired just talking about it.
linux...yeah...good...so i'm still exploring this curiosity that the Lord has brought into my life and doing my best to explore this desire to the fullest...i'm actually kind of excited as to where this path will lead me...new career? start a business? i have no idea...just know that work...i can't even say that it's the actual work..but more of the people...or the situation...is really killing me. i wish i had the same passion to find a new job as i do to explore on the computer at home. that's kinda weird though. i know that God gave me the tools that I need to do the job that he put me here to do...i just need to figure out what the job is...and why me? haha. why anything, i guess...if you're going to ask why at all...start there. blarg...
Xplore Xwindows Xtremely Xcited Xactly Xasperated Xtremely Xtatic
way past my bedtime (time to go home)
maybe i just need to get some good solid old fashioned sleep? maybe i'm getting too much sleep...i don't really think there's a difference in how the day goes by...just changes the amount of stuff that i get done in a day.
project for when i get home...figure out what crashed on the ol' linux box...upgraded to the almost beta KDE 3.4.5 for kubuntu overnight...yay! good times.... >sudo apt-get remove kde< : )
lol (ported from myspace)
"...Of course, the plebian cp can be used as well, but we Unix sysadmins love to use cryptic commands to complete relatively simple tasks. That's what seperates us from mortal users..." - pg 122
plebian: (plebeian)
adj.
1. Of or relating to the common people of ancient Rome: a plebeian magistrate.
2. Of, belonging to, or characteristic of commoners.
3. Unrefined or coarse in nature or manner; common or vulgar: plebeian tastes.
Currently reading:
Running Linux
By Matthias Kalle Dalheimer
Release date: 01 December, 2005
plebian: (plebeian)
adj.
1. Of or relating to the common people of ancient Rome: a plebeian magistrate.
2. Of, belonging to, or characteristic of commoners.
3. Unrefined or coarse in nature or manner; common or vulgar: plebeian tastes.
Currently reading:
Running Linux
By Matthias Kalle Dalheimer
Release date: 01 December, 2005
Thursday, July 20, 2006
blogarhythmic growth (ported from myspace)
to blog or not to blog, that is definitely not the question. i'm so lame. so here's the premise of this whole deal...i think that for the most part, i just use these things as outlets...just to vent about whatever is going on in my tiny little pea brain...whatever's making me hot under the collar...who ever is bothering me or whatever is threatening to drive me nutz. it dawned on me the other day that i'm really kind of a schmuk and that i have tons wrong with me that i don't talk about. hmm...so yeah, i'm not sure where that leaves me, but i'm going to give it a shot.
i'm totally frustrated with me, actually. it really bugs me how little self control I really have (not sure if i'm just under the illusion that i don't have control...nah, i'm probably just weak in the head)...i think i do ok for the most part, but when it comes to some things, i'm just plain weak. maybe i'm just a little down because of some of the reading i have been doing lately. (going to get the Book)....again...i am reading ecclesiastes. i'm thinking that it's not really for any reason in particular...but i find myself jumping from book to book frequently, as they are all so interesting. anyways...solomon is writing about how meaningless life is...how futile our actions on earth are. he was pretty much THE man of his day...he could have any woman, could buy anything, could go anywhere he wanted...and he found that knowledge and wisdom were a few of the best things to seek out. so he looks for them..."the greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. to increase knowledge only increases sorrow" yeah...i'm not sure. the book spins in almost every direction...he tries everything...basically searching for the meaning of life. everything is futile...except for seeking God. he realized that everything in his life is from God...good and bad. knowledge and wisdom are both things to be sought after...though God is the only one who will have all of the knowledge and will always have the most wisdom. bah. weird book.
i'm thinking that it wasn't ecclesiastes that got me into this...hmm...i think it was ephesians. there's a whole bunch of stuff in there about living as God intended us to live, loving on everyone and living to please God. I fall short in that so often. whether it is me giving in to the desires of the flesh...or spending money on things that really don't do anything other than give me pleasure (new phone...new computer...cd's...gps antennae...hmmm....yeah) so it's pretty lame. i'm not sure why God wants me for anything.
narrowing it down some...eph 4:17-5:20. it pretty much says...here's how you used to live...but you should live like this...and goes on to say how we are to be tenderhearted and helpful, good, encouraging...loving, of course...forgiving, imitate God, no sexual immorality (which i'm personally still seeking a good description of...probably still searching because i know that i'm not going to find anything that's really something that i want to hear...bah...i suck again)...we should determine what pleases the Lord and do that. yeah...so anyways...feeling a little guilty...a little umm...convicted, i suppose. bah...i hate woe is me pleas poo
i'm totally frustrated with me, actually. it really bugs me how little self control I really have (not sure if i'm just under the illusion that i don't have control...nah, i'm probably just weak in the head)...i think i do ok for the most part, but when it comes to some things, i'm just plain weak. maybe i'm just a little down because of some of the reading i have been doing lately. (going to get the Book)....again...i am reading ecclesiastes. i'm thinking that it's not really for any reason in particular...but i find myself jumping from book to book frequently, as they are all so interesting. anyways...solomon is writing about how meaningless life is...how futile our actions on earth are. he was pretty much THE man of his day...he could have any woman, could buy anything, could go anywhere he wanted...and he found that knowledge and wisdom were a few of the best things to seek out. so he looks for them..."the greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. to increase knowledge only increases sorrow" yeah...i'm not sure. the book spins in almost every direction...he tries everything...basically searching for the meaning of life. everything is futile...except for seeking God. he realized that everything in his life is from God...good and bad. knowledge and wisdom are both things to be sought after...though God is the only one who will have all of the knowledge and will always have the most wisdom. bah. weird book.
i'm thinking that it wasn't ecclesiastes that got me into this...hmm...i think it was ephesians. there's a whole bunch of stuff in there about living as God intended us to live, loving on everyone and living to please God. I fall short in that so often. whether it is me giving in to the desires of the flesh...or spending money on things that really don't do anything other than give me pleasure (new phone...new computer...cd's...gps antennae...hmmm....yeah) so it's pretty lame. i'm not sure why God wants me for anything.
narrowing it down some...eph 4:17-5:20. it pretty much says...here's how you used to live...but you should live like this...and goes on to say how we are to be tenderhearted and helpful, good, encouraging...loving, of course...forgiving, imitate God, no sexual immorality (which i'm personally still seeking a good description of...probably still searching because i know that i'm not going to find anything that's really something that i want to hear...bah...i suck again)...we should determine what pleases the Lord and do that. yeah...so anyways...feeling a little guilty...a little umm...convicted, i suppose. bah...i hate woe is me pleas poo
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
freelegallinuxgamesmusickylestuffblah (ported from myspace)
so yeah...life is odd. i have definitely come to terms with the fact that i'm a pretty pathetic excuse for a Christian...but in knowing that, i am forced to do something about it. anyways...this tale started on sunday. i was in church and pastor brad was preachin' on matthew...particularly on the beAtitudes.
so anyways...i really love just reading the bible while in church...it's an amazing thing to me to sit back and just look up verses and to see, visually, all laid out in front of me just how everything in the Bible ties together. it's sooo great. getting back to the storyline...i started reading the whole sermon on the mount (math ch5-7). so i read the whole thing. i go through different periods in my life when different verses or songs or people...or anything really...just touches me (haha...not like that). anyways...so the sermon on the mount really reached out and grabbed me. i read through each section...and it just kicked my butt how direct, how confrontational the verses are and how "in your face" Jesus was. it was cool to see.
um...soo...i guess what really hit me was that i have been focusing on sex for a long time. i really haven't stopped to look back on how i live my daily life. i have been using an illegal copy of win xp media center edition...whatever programs i want...i'm pretty pathetic. if there was any possible way for me to load something that i might use...ever...i would pretty much just download it and install it. anyways...free is a kind of drug. it's a strange social power. so...i finally decided to just go with linux. i deleted about 120gigs of music, spent about $135 yesterday buyin some used CDs...deleted another 15 gigs or so of illegal apps...threw away ~30 burned xbox games...nuked my program backups (which would make a great science experiment if anyone's looking for one)...yeah. it's a very liberating experience. amazing how much that junk was weighing on me. it was more of a subconcious oppression...but it was so weird how sunday hit me that way.
sokny actually brought up all my other illegal stuff (apps/music/dvds/xbox games)...as we were walking out to the car...and how bad all that stuff was...as i have been battling (yes, battling) with linux...trying to get on a legal operating system...and i have beentrying to get my cups printing server working on kubuntu, so we could have the same functionality in our new OS as in win...and pretty much just killed my install. fun...so now, it doesnt boot and i'm trying to determine which direction to go. back to the start of this whole thing...one of the other verses that hit me was the "golden rule" - do unto others as you would have them do unto you (which, i'm told is now obsolete...and has been replaced with "do unto others as they would have done unto themselves"...very similar, but in a more progressive sense). so yeah. maybe i'm pathetic...shallow...unable to really grasp even the most basic of human ethics and morals...but sunday...this hit me.
yeah. so i'm thinking about it...do unto others as you would have them do unto you. pretty basic. but APPLIED? yeah...so i'm thinking about it in daily life. driving down the road. some guy cuts me off...maybe he's driving slow. what do i do? get frustrated. tailgate...pass him nervously on the right. but then again...STOP. what if he's having a horrible day? what if he's in a peaceful mood, introspective...pondering whether or not he should kill himself? maybe he needs space, maybe he's imperfect? maybe he's...human? just like me? maybe i should just love on him.
reminds me of a casting crowns song...if we are the body...why aren't his hands reaching...why aren't his words teaching...why aren't his hands healing? the basic sentiment of the song is that if we are the body of Christ (which we, as the church are), then why aren't we out in the world helping, healing, loving, teaching folks about God? would God/Jesus get upset if someone cut him off? doubt it. even when the Romans were all up on him, taking his life, he first thought about how God should forgive the people..."for they know not what they do" so what if we lived life like that? what if we lived such amazing, pure lives that people stopped and couldn't help but to notice how different (in a good way) we were. what if we were the ones who didnt smoke/drink/download music/speed/get mad at the wife, etc etc. i want to be that person...
so here i go...into a new week (yeah, i know it's already tuesday)...with a wonderful new attitude and some good perspective on life. i definitely know that i need to read the Bible more...yeah...so i have some improvements going on in my life...i should get a tatoo..."work in progress"...as that's probably not going to change...as long as i'm human.
peas oud jo!
so anyways...i really love just reading the bible while in church...it's an amazing thing to me to sit back and just look up verses and to see, visually, all laid out in front of me just how everything in the Bible ties together. it's sooo great. getting back to the storyline...i started reading the whole sermon on the mount (math ch5-7). so i read the whole thing. i go through different periods in my life when different verses or songs or people...or anything really...just touches me (haha...not like that). anyways...so the sermon on the mount really reached out and grabbed me. i read through each section...and it just kicked my butt how direct, how confrontational the verses are and how "in your face" Jesus was. it was cool to see.
um...soo...i guess what really hit me was that i have been focusing on sex for a long time. i really haven't stopped to look back on how i live my daily life. i have been using an illegal copy of win xp media center edition...whatever programs i want...i'm pretty pathetic. if there was any possible way for me to load something that i might use...ever...i would pretty much just download it and install it. anyways...free is a kind of drug. it's a strange social power. so...i finally decided to just go with linux. i deleted about 120gigs of music, spent about $135 yesterday buyin some used CDs...deleted another 15 gigs or so of illegal apps...threw away ~30 burned xbox games...nuked my program backups (which would make a great science experiment if anyone's looking for one)...yeah. it's a very liberating experience. amazing how much that junk was weighing on me. it was more of a subconcious oppression...but it was so weird how sunday hit me that way.
sokny actually brought up all my other illegal stuff (apps/music/dvds/xbox games)...as we were walking out to the car...and how bad all that stuff was...as i have been battling (yes, battling) with linux...trying to get on a legal operating system...and i have beentrying to get my cups printing server working on kubuntu, so we could have the same functionality in our new OS as in win...and pretty much just killed my install. fun...so now, it doesnt boot and i'm trying to determine which direction to go. back to the start of this whole thing...one of the other verses that hit me was the "golden rule" - do unto others as you would have them do unto you (which, i'm told is now obsolete...and has been replaced with "do unto others as they would have done unto themselves"...very similar, but in a more progressive sense). so yeah. maybe i'm pathetic...shallow...unable to really grasp even the most basic of human ethics and morals...but sunday...this hit me.
yeah. so i'm thinking about it...do unto others as you would have them do unto you. pretty basic. but APPLIED? yeah...so i'm thinking about it in daily life. driving down the road. some guy cuts me off...maybe he's driving slow. what do i do? get frustrated. tailgate...pass him nervously on the right. but then again...STOP. what if he's having a horrible day? what if he's in a peaceful mood, introspective...pondering whether or not he should kill himself? maybe he needs space, maybe he's imperfect? maybe he's...human? just like me? maybe i should just love on him.
reminds me of a casting crowns song...if we are the body...why aren't his hands reaching...why aren't his words teaching...why aren't his hands healing? the basic sentiment of the song is that if we are the body of Christ (which we, as the church are), then why aren't we out in the world helping, healing, loving, teaching folks about God? would God/Jesus get upset if someone cut him off? doubt it. even when the Romans were all up on him, taking his life, he first thought about how God should forgive the people..."for they know not what they do" so what if we lived life like that? what if we lived such amazing, pure lives that people stopped and couldn't help but to notice how different (in a good way) we were. what if we were the ones who didnt smoke/drink/download music/speed/get mad at the wife, etc etc. i want to be that person...
so here i go...into a new week (yeah, i know it's already tuesday)...with a wonderful new attitude and some good perspective on life. i definitely know that i need to read the Bible more...yeah...so i have some improvements going on in my life...i should get a tatoo..."work in progress"...as that's probably not going to change...as long as i'm human.
peas oud jo!
Saturday, April 01, 2006
commit...something (ported from myspace)
so the topic of commitment has been placed on the table. it's weird...the other day, i heard that it was brought up that i'm not ready to "commit" in the relationship. i guess that's just a shocker to me, because i'm pretty much Mr. Commitment. i'm all about looking for a wife and not just someone to hang out with for the current week/day/whatever. so yeah, it came as a shock to me. i guess the bottom line is that sok is ready for a ring and i'm not ready to give it to her.
i'm still not convinced that i'm not commited. let's see what webster says..."com·mit·ment Pronunciation (k-mtmnt)
n.
1. The act or an instance of committing, especially:
a. The act of referring a legislative bill to committee.
b. Official consignment, as to a prison or mental health facility.
c. A court order authorizing consignment to a prison.
2.
a. A pledge to do.
b. Something pledged, especially an engagement by contract involving financial obligation.
3. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family." so...today's applikashun falls under number 2a and 3. (little aside haha about 2a...that's funny stuff in the context of the current discussion...i guess 1c could be funny too...or maybe not so funny...hmm). anyhow...number 3. yeah, so i'm bound emotionally and intellectually to the relationship. i have a profound commitment to her. I think it's to the point where i'm feeling obligated (a. A social, legal, or moral requirement, such as a duty, contract, or promise that compels one to follow or avoid a particular course of action.) to propose and that somehow, there is now a sense of urgency to the matter. that's where it gets back to the lack of health derived from the female biological clock. (detrimental to the relationship).
hmm yeah....i'm not sure that i really had much to say about commitment, except that i'm commited to the relationship...but it is being spread about that i'm not... because i haven't purchased a (really freakin expensive) ring. haha. um yeah. so i have trust issues and i dont want to "take the plunge" until i'm totally sure that this chick proves her saltiness and i'm not there yet. bottom freakin line. :P anyhow...i'm thinking that i might just have a chronic issue with humans in general and that i will never be satisfied with someone else (or myself, for that matter...i'm pretty much worthless). anyway...now, on with the show
this complete waste of time was sponsored by your local sleep deprivation clinic (i'm sooooooo in need of a good night's rest...) blarhrl'aslkj
Currently listening:
In Your Honor
By Foo Fighters
Release date: 14 June, 2005
i'm still not convinced that i'm not commited. let's see what webster says..."com·mit·ment Pronunciation (k-mtmnt)
n.
1. The act or an instance of committing, especially:
a. The act of referring a legislative bill to committee.
b. Official consignment, as to a prison or mental health facility.
c. A court order authorizing consignment to a prison.
2.
a. A pledge to do.
b. Something pledged, especially an engagement by contract involving financial obligation.
3. The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons: a deep commitment to liberal policies; a profound commitment to the family." so...today's applikashun falls under number 2a and 3. (little aside haha about 2a...that's funny stuff in the context of the current discussion...i guess 1c could be funny too...or maybe not so funny...hmm). anyhow...number 3. yeah, so i'm bound emotionally and intellectually to the relationship. i have a profound commitment to her. I think it's to the point where i'm feeling obligated (a. A social, legal, or moral requirement, such as a duty, contract, or promise that compels one to follow or avoid a particular course of action.) to propose and that somehow, there is now a sense of urgency to the matter. that's where it gets back to the lack of health derived from the female biological clock. (detrimental to the relationship).
hmm yeah....i'm not sure that i really had much to say about commitment, except that i'm commited to the relationship...but it is being spread about that i'm not... because i haven't purchased a (really freakin expensive) ring. haha. um yeah. so i have trust issues and i dont want to "take the plunge" until i'm totally sure that this chick proves her saltiness and i'm not there yet. bottom freakin line. :P anyhow...i'm thinking that i might just have a chronic issue with humans in general and that i will never be satisfied with someone else (or myself, for that matter...i'm pretty much worthless). anyway...now, on with the show
this complete waste of time was sponsored by your local sleep deprivation clinic (i'm sooooooo in need of a good night's rest...) blarhrl'aslkj
Currently listening:
In Your Honor
By Foo Fighters
Release date: 14 June, 2005
Friday, March 31, 2006
beautiful day (ported from myspace)
Chris Cagle - What A Beautiful Day
Day one, I stumbled through hello on fifth avenue.
Day two, we grabbed a bite to eat and talked all afternoon.
Caught a movie on day fourteen.
And day 67 she said I love you to me.
Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day, what a beautiful day.
Day 116, I asked her what she was doing for the rest of my life.
Day 189, oh I almost lost that girl to my foolish pride.
She said I do on day 482.
And gave me a son on day 761.
Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day.
Day 18,253, well honey, that's 50 years yeah here's to you and me.
Yeah what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
Yeah what a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day. What a beautiful day.
Day one, I thank God I said hello on fifth avenue.
Day one, I stumbled through hello on fifth avenue.
Day two, we grabbed a bite to eat and talked all afternoon.
Caught a movie on day fourteen.
And day 67 she said I love you to me.
Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day, what a beautiful day.
Day 116, I asked her what she was doing for the rest of my life.
Day 189, oh I almost lost that girl to my foolish pride.
She said I do on day 482.
And gave me a son on day 761.
Oh what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
What a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day.
Day 18,253, well honey, that's 50 years yeah here's to you and me.
Yeah what a feeling, what a wonderful emotion.
Yeah what a life counting my blessings and knowing. Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way. She had a chance to leave but chose to stay. What a beautiful day. What a beautiful day.
Day one, I thank God I said hello on fifth avenue.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
relationships are... (ported from myspace)
woopee doo...another valentines day i'm really tired of this feeling that I always have to make the person who i'm in a relationship with happy. it's so one-sided. everyone that's reading this probably knows me well enough to know that i'm all about the person who i'm in a relationship with and I think that normally, that is a totally healthy perspective/attitude to have in a relationship. I'm actually a pretty big fan of doing stuff for the person i'm with. I love making my woman feel special, feel like she is the only person on the planet that i want to be with and to just barrage her with suprises and kisses and a variety of other forms of affection. i think this relationship is slowly killing that aspect of me...and I hate that. i feel like when I do something (suprises or whatever), it's almost an expectation. like...i'm just meeting the minimum criteria for being in the relationship...however, on the flipside, when she does something for me, it has to be the biggest suprise ever and I spend the next four hours saying thank you for whatever it was that she did. i'm sure this is probably just an over reaction to something that happened today, as today is supposed to be a special, romantic day...but i'm really burned out on suprises to tell you the truth. seriously...it feels like today is a day where i have to prove that i can go above and beyond what i normally do...like i have to earn my place in this relationship. i just want to cry on days like today...it feels like yet another holiday...birthday...anniversary...whatever the special occasion (unless it's my bday), it's my job to go above and beyond and plan a special evening...to get her the "right" gift...whatever. i'm so tired of how hard i have to work internally (in my head, working through this pile of BS or that pile...), being the only person in the relationship trying to work through issues...and bringing up issues, i guess...to sum it up...i'm tired of TRYING soooooo much harder than she. again, i'm sure this is a matter of perspective, but really...me...kyle...tired. :( poor me, eh? that was pretty pathetic. um...so yeah, now i'm at the bottom of the list of anyone who's reading this. no big deal. you're the one who came into my blog and decided to read yet another unadulterated excerpt from my messed up brain. ya have to give me credit for consistancy, eh? consistantly blurting out my thoughts when i'm the most upset...when i'm totally caught up in the moment...when i'm at my weakest. i'm not sure that's necessarily a good thing, but that's what it is.
ok...now that i have purged the majority of the frustrations from my brain...i'm going to take a step back and see if there's something to all this. y'know what's funny...maybe not funny...um...interesting? awhile back, i started tracking "good days" and "bad days" in the context of the relationship and i found a very strange trend. typically, i average 50% almost right down the middle, good vs bad. then, i guess i get to the point where i'm totally fed up with the whole mess and I just let it go...i usually end up bringing it up late in the night, when i can't sleep because i'm so frustrated with the relationship (which happens quite a bit) and i see her sleeping there, like nothing is wrong...and i wake her up and start talking. those conversations usually consist of me talking...then she will interject some sort of argument for her position...i get mad at her interrupting me when i was just getting started...then i finish what i was saying...she is already upset and closed off because i got mad at her...she says sorry and that the whole mess was her fault (a pity plea, if you ask me)...i feel like an ass for bringing up what would have been a valid point...and that's about the end of it. after those kind of "emotional releases", we usually do really well for about a week...maybe a little more. i'm not sure why...i guess that means that we do well until enough crap has built up in my head for me to get lost in it without too much incentive from her (this morning, i was upset because she was wearing a hoodie thing that zipped down, with only a bra underneath...i thought it was a little scandalous, she got pissed at my comment and BAM!...all of the sudden V-day is ruined...at least, so far it is). so i guess i'm either to the point in the relationship where i don't feel like it's worth it to suffer this much and it's something about the chemistry between us...or i'm just messed up in the head and not fit for any relationship.
i usually feel like women suck off and on, as men and women have an innate lack of understanding of eachother, but i don't think it should be like THIS. so...we are averaging less than 50% good days with an occasional non-productive emotional outburst from yours truly. good...bad...?? i have no freakin idea. is god just challenging me with this relationship or is he saying "abandon ship!!" that's the interesting thing about the bible...through it's verses, any situation can be interpreted as a "learning, growing experience" or as a "sign from God". blarg! i'm weak. i'm going to pray after i finish this.
more learnings? um...yeah, i guess this is just good food for thought for me...wipe the slate clean by pouring all the junk out on this page...and churn up some new conclusions to start off the thoughts for the new day.
work? is it a bad thing for work to be number 1? personally, i think work is just a means to an end. it's a place where we go to make money. that's the primary reason. if we didnt get paid, we wouldnt go to work, bottom line. 2. we go to work to glorify god through our steadfastness and commitment to doing the job we are doing as well as we can. 3. work is a great place to spread God's word to other folks. i have heard from many a retiree that it's the people that made the job great all these years. fair enough, but we're not here for eachother's company...but for the money. hmm...money sucks. it comes, it goes...but it's really just another flat tire, another rusty quarter panel...another decaying piece of life here on earth that just exemplefies human life. it's good for a bit...then it's not so good. when you have it, you want to spend it...then you dont have it...and you want more of it. good...bad...up...down...life on earth.
and with that...my thoughts drift back to narnia. the last book (the last battle) ends in an interesting way. all of the kids from the previous books die right before the last battle. they go to narnia, but they are already dead on earth. some sort of train wreck. anyways...at the end of the book, they go to heaven. they said that it looked like narnia, but better...more alive...it really made me think. what is heaven like? i know that God doesnt want me there how I am now, but that God wants the me there that is the me that I CAN be. i CAN be better. i am able to NOT have pre-marital sex...i'm just really lousy at NOT doing it. i'm a really bad perfect human. i wouldnt make a good Jesus...I drive too fast on the freeway...I curse...i'm not always as nice as i should be (not always lovin' on folks like i should be).
that reminds me of a verse i read earlier this week..."If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." -- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. so love should be the basis of our lives. it is often said that the ten commandments are all about love...four about loving god and 6 about loving others (i think that's the split). is all that stuff I just wrote a part of a loving relationship? am I being treated with love in the relationship and am I, on the flipside, treating her with love? i know that no matter what, there is going to be room for improvement...but dang...is it supposed to be this hard? that's something I often get caught up on...maybe God is just teaching me to love folks that are difficult to love. not that sokny is difficult to love all the time, but dang, sometimes she sure does rub the WRONG way.
i think i'm bipolar in this relationship and that has always struck me as odd...one day, i'm wondering why i wouldnt want to marry her...and the next day, i'm telling myself that i would be miserable in the relationship and that all she wants me for is to make cute kids for her (or duckies, as we call them). i'm wondering if that is something that is going to continue or if we are going to work through the issues that are causing all of the commotion and we will be able to kick it in the blissful portion of the relationship. i'm not deluded...i know that there are always going to be hard times, but i'm not willing to have to deal with stuff like i do now...for the rest of my life. so again...is god just trying to teach me to love people when it's not easy? or is he saying get the heck off the train?
i think that this issue is on the brain even more lately with all of the pressure i'm getting to get her a ring. WTF is that all about anyways? (aside...after running, she tells me: i'm not trying to pressure you, but i was thinking...if we are going to get a ring eventually anyways...why can't you just get it now?...is that pressure or am i on crack?) i have told her many times that i don't want to get her a ring until i'm ready. i fully understand that thing are never going to be 100% right...but when is it settling and when is it just saying that we are going to have to work through the remaining issues? i have told her many, many, many times that her pressuring me or asking me to get her a ring before i'm ready is not ok...it just adds stress to the situation and clutters my brain. (really, i have enough to work through in my head without the extra emotional stress of an engagement ring right now). i don't feel like it should be an induced decision. would you want to marry someone that felt pressured into buying the ring? will i be pressured into the wedding as well? ...kids? ...moving? ...not moving? i feel like relationships are all about supporting the other person in what they want to do, not the opposite.
i'm conflicted.
God...i am soooo ready for these learnings to be over...and for the real game to start. when is the real game? when do i find my purpose for being here? there is only one ME...God has me here for a reason...umm...i guess i'm just waiting for the right email, eh? i feel like i'm just reiterating the thoughts of every other person on earth...what is the meaning of life...lol
God: so...why did i put you on earth. Me: um...to make sure that P&G makes as much off of each roll of toilet paper as possible and that i did my best at providing them with that data. SMILE! God: umm... Me: umm... yeah...
ok...now that i have purged the majority of the frustrations from my brain...i'm going to take a step back and see if there's something to all this. y'know what's funny...maybe not funny...um...interesting? awhile back, i started tracking "good days" and "bad days" in the context of the relationship and i found a very strange trend. typically, i average 50% almost right down the middle, good vs bad. then, i guess i get to the point where i'm totally fed up with the whole mess and I just let it go...i usually end up bringing it up late in the night, when i can't sleep because i'm so frustrated with the relationship (which happens quite a bit) and i see her sleeping there, like nothing is wrong...and i wake her up and start talking. those conversations usually consist of me talking...then she will interject some sort of argument for her position...i get mad at her interrupting me when i was just getting started...then i finish what i was saying...she is already upset and closed off because i got mad at her...she says sorry and that the whole mess was her fault (a pity plea, if you ask me)...i feel like an ass for bringing up what would have been a valid point...and that's about the end of it. after those kind of "emotional releases", we usually do really well for about a week...maybe a little more. i'm not sure why...i guess that means that we do well until enough crap has built up in my head for me to get lost in it without too much incentive from her (this morning, i was upset because she was wearing a hoodie thing that zipped down, with only a bra underneath...i thought it was a little scandalous, she got pissed at my comment and BAM!...all of the sudden V-day is ruined...at least, so far it is). so i guess i'm either to the point in the relationship where i don't feel like it's worth it to suffer this much and it's something about the chemistry between us...or i'm just messed up in the head and not fit for any relationship.
i usually feel like women suck off and on, as men and women have an innate lack of understanding of eachother, but i don't think it should be like THIS. so...we are averaging less than 50% good days with an occasional non-productive emotional outburst from yours truly. good...bad...?? i have no freakin idea. is god just challenging me with this relationship or is he saying "abandon ship!!" that's the interesting thing about the bible...through it's verses, any situation can be interpreted as a "learning, growing experience" or as a "sign from God". blarg! i'm weak. i'm going to pray after i finish this.
more learnings? um...yeah, i guess this is just good food for thought for me...wipe the slate clean by pouring all the junk out on this page...and churn up some new conclusions to start off the thoughts for the new day.
work? is it a bad thing for work to be number 1? personally, i think work is just a means to an end. it's a place where we go to make money. that's the primary reason. if we didnt get paid, we wouldnt go to work, bottom line. 2. we go to work to glorify god through our steadfastness and commitment to doing the job we are doing as well as we can. 3. work is a great place to spread God's word to other folks. i have heard from many a retiree that it's the people that made the job great all these years. fair enough, but we're not here for eachother's company...but for the money. hmm...money sucks. it comes, it goes...but it's really just another flat tire, another rusty quarter panel...another decaying piece of life here on earth that just exemplefies human life. it's good for a bit...then it's not so good. when you have it, you want to spend it...then you dont have it...and you want more of it. good...bad...up...down...life on earth.
and with that...my thoughts drift back to narnia. the last book (the last battle) ends in an interesting way. all of the kids from the previous books die right before the last battle. they go to narnia, but they are already dead on earth. some sort of train wreck. anyways...at the end of the book, they go to heaven. they said that it looked like narnia, but better...more alive...it really made me think. what is heaven like? i know that God doesnt want me there how I am now, but that God wants the me there that is the me that I CAN be. i CAN be better. i am able to NOT have pre-marital sex...i'm just really lousy at NOT doing it. i'm a really bad perfect human. i wouldnt make a good Jesus...I drive too fast on the freeway...I curse...i'm not always as nice as i should be (not always lovin' on folks like i should be).
that reminds me of a verse i read earlier this week..."If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." -- 1 Corinthians 13:1-3. so love should be the basis of our lives. it is often said that the ten commandments are all about love...four about loving god and 6 about loving others (i think that's the split). is all that stuff I just wrote a part of a loving relationship? am I being treated with love in the relationship and am I, on the flipside, treating her with love? i know that no matter what, there is going to be room for improvement...but dang...is it supposed to be this hard? that's something I often get caught up on...maybe God is just teaching me to love folks that are difficult to love. not that sokny is difficult to love all the time, but dang, sometimes she sure does rub the WRONG way.
i think i'm bipolar in this relationship and that has always struck me as odd...one day, i'm wondering why i wouldnt want to marry her...and the next day, i'm telling myself that i would be miserable in the relationship and that all she wants me for is to make cute kids for her (or duckies, as we call them). i'm wondering if that is something that is going to continue or if we are going to work through the issues that are causing all of the commotion and we will be able to kick it in the blissful portion of the relationship. i'm not deluded...i know that there are always going to be hard times, but i'm not willing to have to deal with stuff like i do now...for the rest of my life. so again...is god just trying to teach me to love people when it's not easy? or is he saying get the heck off the train?
i think that this issue is on the brain even more lately with all of the pressure i'm getting to get her a ring. WTF is that all about anyways? (aside...after running, she tells me: i'm not trying to pressure you, but i was thinking...if we are going to get a ring eventually anyways...why can't you just get it now?...is that pressure or am i on crack?) i have told her many times that i don't want to get her a ring until i'm ready. i fully understand that thing are never going to be 100% right...but when is it settling and when is it just saying that we are going to have to work through the remaining issues? i have told her many, many, many times that her pressuring me or asking me to get her a ring before i'm ready is not ok...it just adds stress to the situation and clutters my brain. (really, i have enough to work through in my head without the extra emotional stress of an engagement ring right now). i don't feel like it should be an induced decision. would you want to marry someone that felt pressured into buying the ring? will i be pressured into the wedding as well? ...kids? ...moving? ...not moving? i feel like relationships are all about supporting the other person in what they want to do, not the opposite.
i'm conflicted.
God...i am soooo ready for these learnings to be over...and for the real game to start. when is the real game? when do i find my purpose for being here? there is only one ME...God has me here for a reason...umm...i guess i'm just waiting for the right email, eh? i feel like i'm just reiterating the thoughts of every other person on earth...what is the meaning of life...lol
God: so...why did i put you on earth. Me: um...to make sure that P&G makes as much off of each roll of toilet paper as possible and that i did my best at providing them with that data. SMILE! God: umm... Me: umm... yeah...
Thursday, February 09, 2006
work work revolution (ported from myspace)
work...um...yeah, so in the bible, it says that we should all work hard to glorify god. i guess i have been pondering this a lot lately, as my job is not exactly 100% of what i would like it to be or probably even 100% of a full job, for that matter. my backfill in my previous role is out today...and it took me all of 1hr to do her stuff this morning...a few hours anyways...i guess my workload is finally ramping up, which is good, but it really feels like i'm just getting by, day to day...not really making any valid progress. um...i guess i need to restate that, or at least try to explain.
err...i feel like we have a bunch of people who don't do their jobs correctly all the time, then we have people who are paid to fix all of the little screwups that slip through the normal filters (i do a little of this)...then we have people that pretty much just sit around talking to people all day, "setting direction" as to how they want the business run (managers). so my role kinda falls right between the two factions. my role is that of a level2 mgr, while i am only getting paid as a level3 tech ( a hefty pay discrepancy, if i dont say so myself). i guess i'm really not that worried about the money...i've never been about making huge sums of cash...i just want enough so i can do what i want for the most part and just live life. i dont need to have a small fortune, a mansion and four wives...but i would like to be settled beyond the current pay period. anyways...the WHOLE purpose of this blog concept was to get out frustrations/confusion about god and his purpose for my life. in fact, sokny was helping me with this yesterday. we were talking about how i was feeling out of the loop at work, in a time where i really need to be in the loop, but that the people who are supposed to keep me in the loop don't care enough to make the effort to involve me (their loss, IMHO, but whatever).
anyways...so i was frustrated, saying that i should go find another job and that maybe god was encouraging me onward...past this job. she referred to one of my first favorite bible verses (rom 5:3, i think) that says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces hope and hope is basically what helps us to stay positive and keep believing in God (that he is good). that's a paraphrase...argh...let me see if i can find it in NIV..."3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ah yes, character...ya gotta have character.
anyways...yeah, so she brought that up and it really helped me to flip my mood around. i still vented to her (another topic, for another day, as it says in proverbs that only a fool let's his my fly off...which i kinda related to venting) for another hour or so, but in the end, it was really good for me. we talked through some work stuff and it ended up being a really positive situation. yeah...so i still struggle with my purpose at work..not my lame job description, but my God-glorifying reason for existing on this planet, because, gosh darnit, there's only one of me and God put me here for a reason...i just need to do my best to strive towards that. arg...back to work...i will have to get back to this later or something...
err...i feel like we have a bunch of people who don't do their jobs correctly all the time, then we have people who are paid to fix all of the little screwups that slip through the normal filters (i do a little of this)...then we have people that pretty much just sit around talking to people all day, "setting direction" as to how they want the business run (managers). so my role kinda falls right between the two factions. my role is that of a level2 mgr, while i am only getting paid as a level3 tech ( a hefty pay discrepancy, if i dont say so myself). i guess i'm really not that worried about the money...i've never been about making huge sums of cash...i just want enough so i can do what i want for the most part and just live life. i dont need to have a small fortune, a mansion and four wives...but i would like to be settled beyond the current pay period. anyways...the WHOLE purpose of this blog concept was to get out frustrations/confusion about god and his purpose for my life. in fact, sokny was helping me with this yesterday. we were talking about how i was feeling out of the loop at work, in a time where i really need to be in the loop, but that the people who are supposed to keep me in the loop don't care enough to make the effort to involve me (their loss, IMHO, but whatever).
anyways...so i was frustrated, saying that i should go find another job and that maybe god was encouraging me onward...past this job. she referred to one of my first favorite bible verses (rom 5:3, i think) that says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces hope and hope is basically what helps us to stay positive and keep believing in God (that he is good). that's a paraphrase...argh...let me see if i can find it in NIV..."3Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." ah yes, character...ya gotta have character.
anyways...yeah, so she brought that up and it really helped me to flip my mood around. i still vented to her (another topic, for another day, as it says in proverbs that only a fool let's his my fly off...which i kinda related to venting) for another hour or so, but in the end, it was really good for me. we talked through some work stuff and it ended up being a really positive situation. yeah...so i still struggle with my purpose at work..not my lame job description, but my God-glorifying reason for existing on this planet, because, gosh darnit, there's only one of me and God put me here for a reason...i just need to do my best to strive towards that. arg...back to work...i will have to get back to this later or something...
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
try talk (ported from myspace)
Category: Food and Restaurants
So...talking...is very interesting. i think i'm actually a pretty boring as far as normal day to day conversations go. some people are good at making the day to day conversation...actually digging for the details (whether they are interested or not is a different story) and remembering stuff from the last time they talked (how was your vacation to bla bla? were you able to catch any rays?) i guess i strive for that sort of conversational expertise in that i do like getting to that level of conversation with people, i just have a hard time with it when i'm not really interested in what the person is doing. that's when i get to the "how's it goin'?"'s and the "'sup?"'s
sok and I went and heard max lucado speak at church this past weekend and he was basically echoing the thoughts of the author's of "Now, Discover Your Strengths". for the most part, it was that kinda speech, but he went to the next level. he was saying that not only should you find your strengths (god given gifts: talents, innate abilities, desires, etc), but you should strive to apply them to the best of your ability. and when you do that...it naturally follows that you will enjoy yourself at work and in doing that, you will glorify god while at work (i know, that seems like quite a concept)...this is backed by scripture (i wanna say somewhere in corinthians...hold on...nevermind, i dont have it on my desktop). anyways...that sounds great...so first...i have to discover my strengths (i guess that's where the book could help) and then, go find a job where I can best apply the gifts that God has given me so that I can make the most of my life (as max put it, there is only one of me in the world and there will only ever be one of me...so i have to be the best me that I can be...be the me that God wants/wanted me to be). and the best part is that when i find that job, i will be happier and i will enjoy what i do and be able to do it to the glory of God every day. wow...sounds like a plan to me, seeing as how 1:3 americans HATES their job and 80 perccent of americans do not feel energized or "enthuzed" about their job (per the aforementioned Max). hmm...i guess that's where i get lost. i can say that i'm pretty good with numbers...and that mechanical stuff comes pretty naturally to me...i guess computers are fine, too...i love reapplying someone else's hacks to phones...programs...mp3 players...anything electronics related and see it work...and help other people with it...but i'm not really sure where God wants me to go with these innate desires, skills and talents (no, not $1million dollars, i'm talking talent like talent show : ) oh well...as i say all the time, at least i'm thinking about it...and that, in itself, is a step in the right direction. blarg. life is difficult...i guess that's why we should work hard at being christlike (see philippians 2:1-5) so we can go to heaven, where (after)life will be goooood.
i'm not sure where i'm going...with my life here on earth, but i sure am trying hard at something...i struggle...it's what i do. oh...getting back to that first point of conversation. i guess i feel like i'm not that good at conversation, but that I am a pretty nice, friendly guy in general and that people like me (and i like people) BUT, i just suck at (what i deem to be) meaningful conversation. i think sokny is great at conversation (her and her brother, lao). i have told them this. in fact...sokny and i went to dinner with my grandparents on our way back from sean salehi's wedding (FYI, he's married, for those of you that might know him) and i learned more about my grandparents in that 3hr period than in the rest of my life (almost)...seriously...just being there, spending time with them and interacting. i didnt know that my grandma had her masters degree from USC or that they met at a presbyterian church function...so much neat stuff...that's one of the reasons that i'm stoked about sokny. she is good for me. she stretches me. not that we don't have our issues...but (at least) we're talking about 'em. :D. um...yeah, so i'm just about spent...it's tuesday?...the 10th? 10 more days until seattle/whistler...fun : )
Currently listening:
Chapter V
By Staind
Release date: 09 August, 2005
So...talking...is very interesting. i think i'm actually a pretty boring as far as normal day to day conversations go. some people are good at making the day to day conversation...actually digging for the details (whether they are interested or not is a different story) and remembering stuff from the last time they talked (how was your vacation to bla bla? were you able to catch any rays?) i guess i strive for that sort of conversational expertise in that i do like getting to that level of conversation with people, i just have a hard time with it when i'm not really interested in what the person is doing. that's when i get to the "how's it goin'?"'s and the "'sup?"'s
sok and I went and heard max lucado speak at church this past weekend and he was basically echoing the thoughts of the author's of "Now, Discover Your Strengths". for the most part, it was that kinda speech, but he went to the next level. he was saying that not only should you find your strengths (god given gifts: talents, innate abilities, desires, etc), but you should strive to apply them to the best of your ability. and when you do that...it naturally follows that you will enjoy yourself at work and in doing that, you will glorify god while at work (i know, that seems like quite a concept)...this is backed by scripture (i wanna say somewhere in corinthians...hold on...nevermind, i dont have it on my desktop). anyways...that sounds great...so first...i have to discover my strengths (i guess that's where the book could help) and then, go find a job where I can best apply the gifts that God has given me so that I can make the most of my life (as max put it, there is only one of me in the world and there will only ever be one of me...so i have to be the best me that I can be...be the me that God wants/wanted me to be). and the best part is that when i find that job, i will be happier and i will enjoy what i do and be able to do it to the glory of God every day. wow...sounds like a plan to me, seeing as how 1:3 americans HATES their job and 80 perccent of americans do not feel energized or "enthuzed" about their job (per the aforementioned Max). hmm...i guess that's where i get lost. i can say that i'm pretty good with numbers...and that mechanical stuff comes pretty naturally to me...i guess computers are fine, too...i love reapplying someone else's hacks to phones...programs...mp3 players...anything electronics related and see it work...and help other people with it...but i'm not really sure where God wants me to go with these innate desires, skills and talents (no, not $1million dollars, i'm talking talent like talent show : ) oh well...as i say all the time, at least i'm thinking about it...and that, in itself, is a step in the right direction. blarg. life is difficult...i guess that's why we should work hard at being christlike (see philippians 2:1-5) so we can go to heaven, where (after)life will be goooood.
i'm not sure where i'm going...with my life here on earth, but i sure am trying hard at something...i struggle...it's what i do. oh...getting back to that first point of conversation. i guess i feel like i'm not that good at conversation, but that I am a pretty nice, friendly guy in general and that people like me (and i like people) BUT, i just suck at (what i deem to be) meaningful conversation. i think sokny is great at conversation (her and her brother, lao). i have told them this. in fact...sokny and i went to dinner with my grandparents on our way back from sean salehi's wedding (FYI, he's married, for those of you that might know him) and i learned more about my grandparents in that 3hr period than in the rest of my life (almost)...seriously...just being there, spending time with them and interacting. i didnt know that my grandma had her masters degree from USC or that they met at a presbyterian church function...so much neat stuff...that's one of the reasons that i'm stoked about sokny. she is good for me. she stretches me. not that we don't have our issues...but (at least) we're talking about 'em. :D. um...yeah, so i'm just about spent...it's tuesday?...the 10th? 10 more days until seattle/whistler...fun : )
Currently listening:
Chapter V
By Staind
Release date: 09 August, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
first
here is a great posting to get this google blogathon started...let the games begin! i wonder how long it will take before this silly site overtakes myspace...they do have quite the headstart...hmm...i give myspace another year before ggl rocks em. hey... ".ggl" would be a great file extension for some kinda google file...i love google...mmm...gmail...google...what fun!
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
why talk (ported from myspace)
my head hurts from all of this senseless jabber. i really wonder if most people talk just to find the tidbits in other people's lives that they feel are worth telling to someone else. why talk? most people dont ever really dig deep enough to make it worthwhile. talk about the weather, the lakers, how the filet at lunch was a little fatty for your personal preference...what really matters to people. i think that so much of life is wasted on talk that does nothing...goes nowhere...just for the entertainment of the few and the loud.
i do think that i am more introspective than most folks and i suppose i'm ok with that. not that i dont have my periods of just blabbering on towards no real goal or purpose...i think i do that more than i really should. i know i'm not perfect.
i guess more than anything, i'm frustrated right now that i struggle so much with being human. it is painful. it is painful having to struggle against myself so much of the time. i don't know whether i'm just being idealistic or if i just suck at being perfect, but i really feel like i am here to struggle. i recall the work that we did in thailand and the outstanding theme for me was "struggling". i struggled to work in the 120 degree heat, i struggled to not show as much affection to sokny, i struggled to stay focused on God, i struggled to make the effort to try to communicate and connect with the workers, I struggled with myself…to be better. Ack…this is all coming off like all I do is sit around and try to be better. I wish. I struggle just thinking about reading the bible and going to church and reaching out to folks. God has plans for me (good ones! – Jer29:11) and I struggle to give up control to god and to just let go. I have a tough time letting go and releasing stuff to god in general. I stress so much about any relationship that I’m in. I stress about trusting the woman that I’m with and just letting that go to god. It really is his. I need to trust god that he has and will always put me in a relationship that will help to build me up and mold me as he sees fit. Whether he wants me to go through some rough times, so I can be stronger later or wants me to chill and just be taken care of…I guess that’s just how it goes. Everything fits into the bigger picture. It’s bigger than me.
what I have found is that no matter how long you have been a Christian or how long you have been attempting to be more Christ-like (Phil 2:1-5?), there are always going to be things that you need to work on. Now, it might be sex, money, relationships in general, driving faster than the speed limit or illegal MP3’s…but once those larger, more obvious issues are worked through (and hopefully resolved), there are going to be more things to work on because, by nature, we are imperfect, prone to sinning and just plain being “not perfect”. (oh, and I’m betting that relationships are always going to be on that list, as the good relationships…the ones that last…take work…lots of it
Currently listening:
Conspiracy No. 5
By Third Day
Release date: 26 August, 1997
i do think that i am more introspective than most folks and i suppose i'm ok with that. not that i dont have my periods of just blabbering on towards no real goal or purpose...i think i do that more than i really should. i know i'm not perfect.
i guess more than anything, i'm frustrated right now that i struggle so much with being human. it is painful. it is painful having to struggle against myself so much of the time. i don't know whether i'm just being idealistic or if i just suck at being perfect, but i really feel like i am here to struggle. i recall the work that we did in thailand and the outstanding theme for me was "struggling". i struggled to work in the 120 degree heat, i struggled to not show as much affection to sokny, i struggled to stay focused on God, i struggled to make the effort to try to communicate and connect with the workers, I struggled with myself…to be better. Ack…this is all coming off like all I do is sit around and try to be better. I wish. I struggle just thinking about reading the bible and going to church and reaching out to folks. God has plans for me (good ones! – Jer29:11) and I struggle to give up control to god and to just let go. I have a tough time letting go and releasing stuff to god in general. I stress so much about any relationship that I’m in. I stress about trusting the woman that I’m with and just letting that go to god. It really is his. I need to trust god that he has and will always put me in a relationship that will help to build me up and mold me as he sees fit. Whether he wants me to go through some rough times, so I can be stronger later or wants me to chill and just be taken care of…I guess that’s just how it goes. Everything fits into the bigger picture. It’s bigger than me.
what I have found is that no matter how long you have been a Christian or how long you have been attempting to be more Christ-like (Phil 2:1-5?), there are always going to be things that you need to work on. Now, it might be sex, money, relationships in general, driving faster than the speed limit or illegal MP3’s…but once those larger, more obvious issues are worked through (and hopefully resolved), there are going to be more things to work on because, by nature, we are imperfect, prone to sinning and just plain being “not perfect”. (oh, and I’m betting that relationships are always going to be on that list, as the good relationships…the ones that last…take work…lots of it
Currently listening:
Conspiracy No. 5
By Third Day
Release date: 26 August, 1997
Friday, December 02, 2005
i'm not sure (ported from myspace)
so friday is finally here and it's late in the day...still at work. yeah...that...again. anyhow, budget season is kicking into high gear and it seems that everyone is content to not take ownership for their stuff. wow, i love being the underpaid one that has to try to keep everyone on the same page. more and more, i'm thinking that i should put myself on the short timer's list here. i mean, so many people get paid so much more for doing SOOOO much less. I don't see why i couldnt be in their shoes. and i'm not just saying that to be pissy...i really don't see a reason. I mean, if i'm going to deal with the stress and BS no matter what, i might as well get paid for it...or i could go find something that i actually like doing and pursue that? dunno, yo. i feel like the more i pursue God (and i'm not sure if it just feels like it is since i became a Christian or if now I have been told that Christians struggle more, especially new ones), the more i feel pressure to act instead of just dealing with the ever-nebulous "IT". work...woman...money...friggin solitaire... i just wonder why i'm here...i sure as heck know that i'm not here just to help make toilet paper that's cheaper and looks better than the competition, all the while finding ways to rip off the customer and give them less for more $$... then again, maybe i am supposed to be here and i just can't see all of the non-christians here in the right light...to set a fire under my sedentary b(_)++ and get me to start talking with them. i'm not sure if this role even plays to my strengths? or if i'm really supposed to play to my strengths or if i'm supposed to be making better use of my weaknesses (reference my favorite verse...2cor10:3-5)....oh, and have i mentioned that i have a ton of weaknesses? lol i don't see what God sees in me. i'm not sure what i see in me sometimes...being human sucks, i'll tell you what. oh well...i guess i shouldnt complain too much...i'm alive...healthy and i'm smart enough to know that i'm definitely broken...and that i know enough to know that i can't be the person that i want to be on my own...and i guess that's a start. i'm blessed with great friends...GREAT family... a job that pays pretty well (though more often than not, i wonder if that really is a blessing)...and my introspective intellect. THANK GOD for the BIBLE..y'know? anyone that doesn't know...send me a message with your address and i will send you one, so you, too can know how great it is. seriously...try me... :) (doin' my best to...) Love Y'all!!
Currently listening:
The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill
By Lauryn Hill
Release date: 25 August, 1998
Currently listening:
The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill
By Lauryn Hill
Release date: 25 August, 1998
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
strange parallels (ported from myspace)
It seems that my frustrations on "the futility of life" were echoed in the Bible...in Ecclesiastes Ch 1:
1:1 The words of the Teacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem:
Introduction: Utter Futility
2 “Futile! Futile!” laments the Teacher, “Absolutely futile! Everything is futile!”
Futility Illustrated from Nature
3 What benefit do people get from all the effort which they expend on earth? 4 A generation comes and a generation goes, but the earth remains the same through the ages. 5 The sun rises and the sun sets, it hurries away to a place from which it rises again. 6 The wind goes to the south and circles around to the north, round and round the wind goes and on its rounds it returns. 7 All the streams flow into the sea, but the sea is not full, and to the place where the streams flow, there they will flow again. 8 All this monotony is tiresome; no one can bear to describe it: The eye is never satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear ever content with hearing. 9 What exists now is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing truly new on earth. 10 Is there anything about which someone can say, “Look at this! It is new!”? It was already done long ago, before our time. 11 No one remembers the former events, nor will anyone remember the events that are yet to happen; they will not be remembered by the future generations.
Currently listening:
In Your Honor
By Foo Fighters
Release date: 14 June, 2005
1:1 The words of the Teacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem:
Introduction: Utter Futility
2 “Futile! Futile!” laments the Teacher, “Absolutely futile! Everything is futile!”
Futility Illustrated from Nature
3 What benefit do people get from all the effort which they expend on earth? 4 A generation comes and a generation goes, but the earth remains the same through the ages. 5 The sun rises and the sun sets, it hurries away to a place from which it rises again. 6 The wind goes to the south and circles around to the north, round and round the wind goes and on its rounds it returns. 7 All the streams flow into the sea, but the sea is not full, and to the place where the streams flow, there they will flow again. 8 All this monotony is tiresome; no one can bear to describe it: The eye is never satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear ever content with hearing. 9 What exists now is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing truly new on earth. 10 Is there anything about which someone can say, “Look at this! It is new!”? It was already done long ago, before our time. 11 No one remembers the former events, nor will anyone remember the events that are yet to happen; they will not be remembered by the future generations.
Currently listening:
In Your Honor
By Foo Fighters
Release date: 14 June, 2005
Thursday, August 25, 2005
no time for a name (ported from myspace)
so yeah....another day here at wonderful P n' G. today's thursday...just another thursday, i guess. i have transitioned into my new role...i am officially the "Supply Module Industrial Engineer"...for whatever that's worth. I'm sure it will at least look good on a resume some day. as far as the actual work...i'm passing on everything that I know...everything that i'm familiar with...on to my predecessor and venturing into the unknown of higher level analysis. what a good time. anyways...it has been frustrating, with the slim amount of training that I chose to receive. it was almost a choice and almost not. the days before thailand when i was not available for training (as I had 8 days to get my replacement ready for a 2 week stint of holding down the fort alone), the woman that I was replacing wanted to train me...and of course, on the flip side, when I had 2hrs available for time to be trainined in, the woman that i was replacing decided to come sauntering in at 10..short-timer's disease...it was bordering on hilarity...but not so much. anyways...i'm here...i'm it...and at the end of 8hrs, i will go home again, hopefully just that much closer to another raise that will bring me that much closer to another, higher, more removed from the real business here, but also, that much closer to the retirement that everyone wants, that always seems to come too fast...that we are all just blowing through life trying to get to. it's kinda sick when you actually take the time to think about it. we are really like little mice trapped in a maze...but the carrot isnt just around the corner...no, not in this wonderful society of ours. we have this complex where, when we get what we were seeking...we are sated, but only for a short time. say you work 3 hours of overtime / wk (after tax, yielding about 40 bucks/week) to save up for this special cell phone that you wanted. then, say that after the requisite 8 weeks (allowing for some human error with the finances) of extra hours and less time being spent at home, the money is finally saved and the phone is purchased. then, the waiting begins and the inevitable frustration at the ever-elusive ebayer in the-middle-of-no-where, pennsylvania for not shipping the phone. so, after the 8 WEEKS of laboring, another 8 days are spent in utter frustration (at some random guy who's just trying to make a buck, so he can buy his kid the mp3 player that HE wants). the phone finally shows up..and the excitement begins...WEE!!...three days of excitement....not wanting to fall asleep, for fear of the phone mysteriously being gone in the morning, for no particular reason other than that the phone seems to good to be true...it is finally mine!! yay! having achieved that goal, we are once again in search of a goal worth pursuing...what part of the american dream am I missing that joe schmoe has? what am i lacking in my life that someone else has (materially speaking, of course)? and so goes life...one on top of the other...never to be satisfied. i am convinced that retirement will be much the same bag of tricks that society has programmed us with. now there has to be a point to a lengthy blathering such as this...(not that i always strive to make a point, but today, i'm feeling a little more quixotic that usual)...so...really...what are YOU here for? i really struggled with that for quite some time. i really didnt know that i was struggling with it at the time, but really...when you are in perpetual need of a vacation and are mentally, emotionally and underneath it all, spiritually exhausted at all times...maybe something is not quite right...eh? so anyways...i went on this road trip back in october 04...i had planned to drive up to canada with a good buddy of mine...(y'all know Mike, right?)...but it didnt work out (apparently, new babies and wives can have that affect on a guy)...so i decided to push on through and go on the trip all by my lonesome. it sounded like a crazy idea...felt like a crazy idea...but as i said, i was drained...tired of being drained and not knowing how to dig my way out. so anyways...i drove. and drove...and drove and drove...you get the point. i think i put about 4000 miles on my sorta new ford focus in those 7 days. it was ridiculous. i spend so much time being frustrated with myself...sleeping in the car because i missed the campsite closing time by a few hours...whatever...it was a great experience. we learn a lot about ourselves through struggles like that. so...after quite a few nights and days of struggles, i found myself in washington. northwestern washington, as a matter of fact. i was driving up the western side of the puget sound, back up and around towards olympic national park and on through to the pacific coastline. i had just had my first success of the trip, after having found an actual open campsite in canada. it was great! but anyhow...i was just recoving from a brutal session of struggling with myself and the realities of an unplanned roadtrip and i saw this little church. (aside: for those of you that arent as familar with me as you could be, i went to church from 0-18, under a strict family mandate (it really wasnt that bad...but i was a lil rebel). after that time, i skipped the routine and found my own way around town on sundays. i had only been to church of my own volition once since the great transition to adulthood.) this little church, for whatever reason, called out to me and i had this feeling like i should start attending church again. (for those of you that have read my earlier blogs, this is all probably just review). so yeah...since then, i have been going to church regularly and found my way to thailand on a missions trip that my family and friends supported me in a way that i could never even have dreamed. i found a wonderful girlfriend that also follows God and we are treading the path that God has cut out for us. i'm not even saying that everything is lilly's and roses and the like, but it has definitely been a long journey for me and it has been totally amazing seeing how God has been working in so many different people's lives to bring me to him. there are so many things that seem like they are just random events in life, but God is behind it all. God has his hand in all of our lives, he listens to all prayers and delivers fantastically on them. anyways...this has drawn on for quite some time and i don't think that i really put the seal on this chapter, but it was a good effort, for sure. until next time...later!
Currently listening:
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: 27 August, 2002
Currently listening:
A Rush of Blood to the Head
By Coldplay
Release date: 27 August, 2002
Friday, July 29, 2005
friday blah (ported from myspace)
so it's friday...at p and g and everything is pretty much bla today. I'm officially taking over in my new role here on monday and susan is retiring after today. so it's kind of a strange feeling going on today. mostly because or normal drama with the woman. i want to stay for the retirement party at work for susan, as I have worked closely with her for the past 3.5yrs...and i think she would feel a little bit hurt that i didnt go to her party just because i wanted to get off early on a friday and go hang out in LA. i don't understand this. it's not like i'm super excited about staying for the retirement party, but i think it would suck if i were retiring and the person in the plant that i worked the closest with was not there (for some small reason) for my work retirement party. granted, there is a big party at her house tomorrow, where we really will see her off and we will have a good time doing it...but that does not release me of my desire to stay for the official work thing today. ack! more personal feelings that should probably never see the light of day...but anyone who reads this should know that this blog is totally bare...it's just what's going on with me now. yet more brain pollution to clutter my already over-emo'd brain. what a mess. emotions...hormones...sex...all just BS that clutters up what could be a drama-free life. i love it how we are set up with human bodies that push us to do so many things that are diametrically opposed to what the bible says that we should do. "put no one in front of god...to do so is basically idolatry"...yet everything in my body (my POS, weak, frail, hormonally, emotionally challenged body) makes me feel the best when i am around a woman that i am giving everything to (even if i am not getting what i need in return)...ack! sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks...and more. and i should be journalling about thailand...but it feels like life (the life that i willingly participate in...the people that i CHOOSE to spend my time with)...just keeps piling it on me. i never get a chance to dig deep enough within myself because i keep letting life throw more dirt onto my already over loaded pile of mental crap. hmm...whatever....today is payday...tomorrow, i'm finally getting rid of my fridge and moving the rest of my stuff out of lloyd's place...so that's totally good and sunday, i should be getting some money back for the shots that we got from thailand...and it's the weekend...so life is still doing ok...and i'm sure that once i get over the little hump that is the next few hours and find a ride home, i will be fine...but dang! i have no opinion...i'm just here to serve (if only i could do that for real...for everyone...and keep on spreadin the love...i guess it's something to aspire to, right)
Sunday, July 10, 2005
umm...hot? (ported from myspace)
oh my.
after working through thursday, we had a day off to relax and headed off to the beach. we took a small boat (scary lil wooden boat with a full sized v6 strapped on the back with a driveline coming out the back, with an attached propeller) to a small island between the island that we are on and Phuket...called koh kai. it was a tiny island with some nice sand and some decent snorkelling. there were actual coral reefs here with some fun fish. i saw a flute fish and a few puffer fish. i went snorkelling with paula from the thai LA team and one of the construction guys that we have been working with (his name is dua). he took us around about half of the island, with a stop midway, where he informed us that we might see sharks on the second half of the journey. it was a good time, but we did not see any sharks. the water was extra salty and warm, with an extra hot sun to encourage those who were seeking sun to head to the water.
needless to say, i received quite a sunburn, even with the four or so layers of sunscreen that i applied during our short stint on the island (from 9-130). today is our second day of work since the play day and it has been increasingly hotter as the days go by. the hottest day before the play day (based on my timex watch thermometer) was 114. i'm not sure if that takes the humidity into account or not, but yesterday, we hit 118 and today, the watch gave me a series of --- where the numbers normally would be. i'm guessing that means that the watch maxxed out, seeing as how that is often considered to be the borderline between normal hot weather and extremely hot weather. anyhow, later on, the temperature cooled down and came back as 120 on my watch. i think that i have mostly acclimatized and i think the only residual affects are that i get tired easily, am constantly sweating and constantly in need of water and breaks.
so...on an internal level, life has been a little crazy. i think that i was not sure what to expect as far as what the mission entailed from the get go and that really left me confused. i must explain...the basis of our mission here in koh yao is that we are building an orphanage/school/community center (different rooms for different aspects and the school part doubles as a community center at night). so that is the physical justification as for why we are here. we are working under the umbrella of the sustainable development research foundation with a part of our church outreach group called xealot (this project is a partnership between the SDRF and xealot). the sdrf is a non christian organization that just happens to employ almost all christians (if it were founded as a christian organization, they would not have access to as many of the different areas in thailand, as they are primarily buddhist or muslim). the SDRF works to improve the economic structure of areas that are in need (such as southern thailand after the tsunami) and uses that arm of outreach to show the people God's love and also their love for eachother as they serve the various communities. xealot is the christian outreach arm of our church, in which, we currently have 8 people who are in thailand for long term missions projects (2yr stints). so.........having thrown down that haphazard background, we are here to build a building to help the economic situation of this area. we are not here to prostheletize (sp?) to the people, but to serve them and to build relationships with the community under the umbrella that our long term folks can build on as they interact with the people in the area more and more. so...it took me a few days to prioritize my time here and really figure out what i was supposed to do. day 1, i was all about getting as much done that would get the building up as fast and efficiently as possible. that soon proved to be futile, as the thai workers are paid on a daily basis, so they are really in no hurry to get the job done (i would not expect anything else). so anyhow...i have finally settled my differences with my work ethics and my spirituality and found a level ground that sits between the physical work and actually building the relationships.
...more to come...
ky
after working through thursday, we had a day off to relax and headed off to the beach. we took a small boat (scary lil wooden boat with a full sized v6 strapped on the back with a driveline coming out the back, with an attached propeller) to a small island between the island that we are on and Phuket...called koh kai. it was a tiny island with some nice sand and some decent snorkelling. there were actual coral reefs here with some fun fish. i saw a flute fish and a few puffer fish. i went snorkelling with paula from the thai LA team and one of the construction guys that we have been working with (his name is dua). he took us around about half of the island, with a stop midway, where he informed us that we might see sharks on the second half of the journey. it was a good time, but we did not see any sharks. the water was extra salty and warm, with an extra hot sun to encourage those who were seeking sun to head to the water.
needless to say, i received quite a sunburn, even with the four or so layers of sunscreen that i applied during our short stint on the island (from 9-130). today is our second day of work since the play day and it has been increasingly hotter as the days go by. the hottest day before the play day (based on my timex watch thermometer) was 114. i'm not sure if that takes the humidity into account or not, but yesterday, we hit 118 and today, the watch gave me a series of --- where the numbers normally would be. i'm guessing that means that the watch maxxed out, seeing as how that is often considered to be the borderline between normal hot weather and extremely hot weather. anyhow, later on, the temperature cooled down and came back as 120 on my watch. i think that i have mostly acclimatized and i think the only residual affects are that i get tired easily, am constantly sweating and constantly in need of water and breaks.
so...on an internal level, life has been a little crazy. i think that i was not sure what to expect as far as what the mission entailed from the get go and that really left me confused. i must explain...the basis of our mission here in koh yao is that we are building an orphanage/school/community center (different rooms for different aspects and the school part doubles as a community center at night). so that is the physical justification as for why we are here. we are working under the umbrella of the sustainable development research foundation with a part of our church outreach group called xealot (this project is a partnership between the SDRF and xealot). the sdrf is a non christian organization that just happens to employ almost all christians (if it were founded as a christian organization, they would not have access to as many of the different areas in thailand, as they are primarily buddhist or muslim). the SDRF works to improve the economic structure of areas that are in need (such as southern thailand after the tsunami) and uses that arm of outreach to show the people God's love and also their love for eachother as they serve the various communities. xealot is the christian outreach arm of our church, in which, we currently have 8 people who are in thailand for long term missions projects (2yr stints). so.........having thrown down that haphazard background, we are here to build a building to help the economic situation of this area. we are not here to prostheletize (sp?) to the people, but to serve them and to build relationships with the community under the umbrella that our long term folks can build on as they interact with the people in the area more and more. so...it took me a few days to prioritize my time here and really figure out what i was supposed to do. day 1, i was all about getting as much done that would get the building up as fast and efficiently as possible. that soon proved to be futile, as the thai workers are paid on a daily basis, so they are really in no hurry to get the job done (i would not expect anything else). so anyhow...i have finally settled my differences with my work ethics and my spirituality and found a level ground that sits between the physical work and actually building the relationships.
...more to come...
ky
Thursday, July 07, 2005
thursday (ported from myspace)
so it's thursday in thailand...we actually started workin on tuesday, when we arrived here on koh yao around 2pm. that makes today the official 3rd working day. it is finally hot today...i guess the previous 2 days weren't that bad...but today...yeah...its dang hot. some perspective on that: i'm not sure how my timex watch measures temperature, but i left it out in the sun for thirty minutes or so to take my body heat out of the picture...and it was reading 114 degrees! woo hoo! yeah. so we are still working away...with my mindset having shifted from actually getting work done to trying to connect with the workers that we are helping...oops !!! time to go!!
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
thailand away! (ported from myspace)
so i'm in thailand...and the rain is coming down! we are supposed to be well into our first work day, but when we came back from lunch, the rain started coming down...so we are just kickin it in the "mayor's" office. I'm not really sure how the actual mission is going, it feels like we are not making too much progress, but the people that we are working with are having fun.
the food has been good for the most part, but there is a lot of fish that is not really meeting my needs. I did have some squid that was pretty good, considering that I have not had squid in the past. we are having fish pretty much every meal in one form or another and the cook and proprietor of the bungalows that we are staying in (havalea?) seems to understand that we can handle a little bit of spicy food at each meal. sokny, josh and a few others dont enjoy spicy food, so his dishes aren't always accepted around the table, but for the most part, people seem to be doing well.
the work is going well. we are doing a lot of manual, physically intensive construction type work that is wearing out my body. i am thankful that God has blessed me with such a strong physical build, but i think the heat (though from what the other team said, we have it easy) is starting to wear on me. I have been cranking away on the physical side of things and my forearms started cramping up today when working with the hoe. we are moving dirt back and forth with all of the effort being expended in similar efforts.
the flight was pretty difficult and on the 10.5hr flight over to japan, i only slept about 30mins, with most of the flight time in pursuit thereof. i am really enjoying the thailand aspect of the situation. since arriving, we spent the first night in bankok at a christian hostel. i think it was about 33 bucks a night and it was darn near in downtown. after arriving, we were, to say the least, totally confused as to what time it was. thai time was about 2am, but i think we were still on cali time, where it was about midday. the rest of the team was fairly tired and decided to retire to their room, but sok and I were running on adrenaline and took some time to tour the outdoor market. there were a variety of street food vendors as well as the standard knock off markets for shoes, wallets and a variety of other upper class items.
the next morning, we took a walk in the city to the xealot thailand offices (newsong's long term team in thailand - 2yr stay) where we talked about the mission and took some time to dig into thai culture a bit. from there, we took a bus to another airport and flew down to the Phuket area of thailand (south western area). we took another van/bus to our hotel, where we briefly scoped out the area. i was able to go for a short solo run on the beach and it was a little freaky seeing the ocean, knowing that it was just a few months ago that a killer tsunami ravaged the area. it was apparent that the touristy attractions were not all open, whether it was because it is rainy season or because of the tsunami, i do not know. it looked like there were a few dozen mini restaurant type establishments, of which only three were open. the area did look barren and i have heard from a few of the missions folks from last week that a few of the guys that we will be working with lost their wives in the tsunami. they said that they were able to save their children, but they could not save their whole family.
from phuket (in which we stayed in a nice hotel, one of few that are still open after the tsunami - apparently everything is super cheap due to the aforementioned reasons) we drove a short distance to a boat dock, from which we took a boat (yesterday morning) to the island of koh yow (spelled a number of different ways out here). the island is nice, the typical tropical island with a sandy beach (which i have heard is littered with trash from the ever changing currents), palm trees, a boat dock and rain foresty type vegetation. it reminds me very much of costa rica. we are staying in some house style bungalows, where there are plenty of openings for a wide variety of critters to enter. we had a large size grasshopper in the shower room this morning as well as a giant moth in the bedroom last night. i have only suffered two mosquito bites, both of which are my own fault for sleeping without the mosquito net over the bed. it was filled with it's own supply of bugs, so i decided not to drape it over the bed (i am sharing a bed with steve, one of our team leaders). the large bungalows (sleep 4) are 15 bucks per night and the smaller bungalows are 5 bucks per night. the showers are interesting and range from a bucket and a regular faucet to a hose that you use to wet yourself to the girls bungalow, where i have heard that they have a bona fide shower head. it is not too bad...but i have not slept well and that begins to wear on the body after awhile.
anyhow...the rain has stopped and i feel that if i type any more, i will be burning up valuable work hours here on the computer. what a suprise that we are working in a facility that has what i have heard are the only two computers with internet on the island (pop 6,0000). until next time...adieu!
the food has been good for the most part, but there is a lot of fish that is not really meeting my needs. I did have some squid that was pretty good, considering that I have not had squid in the past. we are having fish pretty much every meal in one form or another and the cook and proprietor of the bungalows that we are staying in (havalea?) seems to understand that we can handle a little bit of spicy food at each meal. sokny, josh and a few others dont enjoy spicy food, so his dishes aren't always accepted around the table, but for the most part, people seem to be doing well.
the work is going well. we are doing a lot of manual, physically intensive construction type work that is wearing out my body. i am thankful that God has blessed me with such a strong physical build, but i think the heat (though from what the other team said, we have it easy) is starting to wear on me. I have been cranking away on the physical side of things and my forearms started cramping up today when working with the hoe. we are moving dirt back and forth with all of the effort being expended in similar efforts.
the flight was pretty difficult and on the 10.5hr flight over to japan, i only slept about 30mins, with most of the flight time in pursuit thereof. i am really enjoying the thailand aspect of the situation. since arriving, we spent the first night in bankok at a christian hostel. i think it was about 33 bucks a night and it was darn near in downtown. after arriving, we were, to say the least, totally confused as to what time it was. thai time was about 2am, but i think we were still on cali time, where it was about midday. the rest of the team was fairly tired and decided to retire to their room, but sok and I were running on adrenaline and took some time to tour the outdoor market. there were a variety of street food vendors as well as the standard knock off markets for shoes, wallets and a variety of other upper class items.
the next morning, we took a walk in the city to the xealot thailand offices (newsong's long term team in thailand - 2yr stay) where we talked about the mission and took some time to dig into thai culture a bit. from there, we took a bus to another airport and flew down to the Phuket area of thailand (south western area). we took another van/bus to our hotel, where we briefly scoped out the area. i was able to go for a short solo run on the beach and it was a little freaky seeing the ocean, knowing that it was just a few months ago that a killer tsunami ravaged the area. it was apparent that the touristy attractions were not all open, whether it was because it is rainy season or because of the tsunami, i do not know. it looked like there were a few dozen mini restaurant type establishments, of which only three were open. the area did look barren and i have heard from a few of the missions folks from last week that a few of the guys that we will be working with lost their wives in the tsunami. they said that they were able to save their children, but they could not save their whole family.
from phuket (in which we stayed in a nice hotel, one of few that are still open after the tsunami - apparently everything is super cheap due to the aforementioned reasons) we drove a short distance to a boat dock, from which we took a boat (yesterday morning) to the island of koh yow (spelled a number of different ways out here). the island is nice, the typical tropical island with a sandy beach (which i have heard is littered with trash from the ever changing currents), palm trees, a boat dock and rain foresty type vegetation. it reminds me very much of costa rica. we are staying in some house style bungalows, where there are plenty of openings for a wide variety of critters to enter. we had a large size grasshopper in the shower room this morning as well as a giant moth in the bedroom last night. i have only suffered two mosquito bites, both of which are my own fault for sleeping without the mosquito net over the bed. it was filled with it's own supply of bugs, so i decided not to drape it over the bed (i am sharing a bed with steve, one of our team leaders). the large bungalows (sleep 4) are 15 bucks per night and the smaller bungalows are 5 bucks per night. the showers are interesting and range from a bucket and a regular faucet to a hose that you use to wet yourself to the girls bungalow, where i have heard that they have a bona fide shower head. it is not too bad...but i have not slept well and that begins to wear on the body after awhile.
anyhow...the rain has stopped and i feel that if i type any more, i will be burning up valuable work hours here on the computer. what a suprise that we are working in a facility that has what i have heard are the only two computers with internet on the island (pop 6,0000). until next time...adieu!
Thursday, June 30, 2005
thailand is upon us (ported from myspace)
So...it's thursday. to some, it's just another thursday, but not me, nope. i feel like it's the last day of school...all of the normal work drama that would probably pull me down, from where i would look to my coffee cup to pull me up...just bounces off of me. I'm all smiles. umm...at the same time, i have this nervous apprehension about the trip (i will post my missions letter after finishing this blog)...it's not so much the work or the physical structure of the trip itself...i'm not too worried about that, but it's more of the spiritual aspect of the journey. we are going to thailand to build a nursery/orphanage for the vicitims of the december tsunami. that's cool and all...but we are really going to reach out to the villagers on the little island that we will be working on. we are going there as missionaries, granted, we are not going to be doing any outright, in your face evangelism, but we will be open to sharing to those who question us about it. breakthrough work like this is what changes lives...and, on a larger scale, changes the world. i'm not saying that i am expecting to see huge changes in the villagers on Koh Yao (the island), but I am fully expecting to see God working in us, as a team and in the villagers (not sure to what extent).
so yeah.
I'm not supre excited about my current employment situation...i work at procter and gamble, and that's cool n' all...but i'm not set on the fact that this is for me...that i SHOULD be here in 25yrs to retire and that this is the work that God has chosen for me to do for my time on this funky blue and green planet. i'm not too sure about much in life at this point...except for that which I have already locked in (umm...i guess that doesnt even cover lunch today...hambuger habit, anyone?) and on top of that, i have a few things that i think would be really great to do in my life...marry...have some kids (2!)...own a house...(not so sure about that...it's probably just residual "american dream mentality" that i have been programed with since birth)...i guess travelling is something that i really enjoy, seeing new places and whatnot...but on top of that...i just like kickin it with people that are interested in the same stuff that I am...and sharing god's love with them and trying to be as christlike as possible (ie...be a better person than i am and striving for improvements towards that end until the day i die).
phew...as always...i'm not sure that i really said anything in this blog...but i did put some words down on paper...er...on the screen...um...well...there are some new 1's and 0's stored on some server somewhere...yeah...so i'm done.
k
Currently listening:
Morning View
By Incubus
Release date: 23 October, 2001
so yeah.
I'm not supre excited about my current employment situation...i work at procter and gamble, and that's cool n' all...but i'm not set on the fact that this is for me...that i SHOULD be here in 25yrs to retire and that this is the work that God has chosen for me to do for my time on this funky blue and green planet. i'm not too sure about much in life at this point...except for that which I have already locked in (umm...i guess that doesnt even cover lunch today...hambuger habit, anyone?) and on top of that, i have a few things that i think would be really great to do in my life...marry...have some kids (2!)...own a house...(not so sure about that...it's probably just residual "american dream mentality" that i have been programed with since birth)...i guess travelling is something that i really enjoy, seeing new places and whatnot...but on top of that...i just like kickin it with people that are interested in the same stuff that I am...and sharing god's love with them and trying to be as christlike as possible (ie...be a better person than i am and striving for improvements towards that end until the day i die).
phew...as always...i'm not sure that i really said anything in this blog...but i did put some words down on paper...er...on the screen...um...well...there are some new 1's and 0's stored on some server somewhere...yeah...so i'm done.
k
Currently listening:
Morning View
By Incubus
Release date: 23 October, 2001
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